Mass Hysteria

Movie Line?
Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria.

Adventures of Willie vol 1.5:
Well, Willie hasn’t called since that great conversation yesterday, so you get an update on the life of me. We have decided to hold a yard sale to unload about 30% of the crap we own and NEVER USE. I spent about 16 hours straight yesterday working for the Man and then working at home til 12:30 in the morning. While the hours were long and hard (he he), I did get inspired and start a few home improvement projects while sorting garage sale stuff. So while rearranging the front bedroom and living room, because I can’t focus when doing tasks, I am also now removing all the space heaters since we got central air 4 years ago, and removing the wood paneling and looking to install cable in the front bedroom to bring it out of the 60s to match the rest of the house. More on this later. Let's see if I can keep up the intensity or if I end up drunk in the hot-tub instead...

Bitch of the Week:
I fertilized my lawn with some stuff that was supposed to also kill weeds last week. So of course my lawn was HUGE, the weeds were bigger and healthier, and the dead spots grew some new weeds but no grass. My back yard even grew some new weeds with flowers that didn’t even exist in my yard before the fertilizer. I had to empty the bag about 20 times, but I got a good workout, so I got that going for me.

edit: 2nd Bitch of the Week:
I had to type this twice, the pic of the dogs and cats together wouldn't post, and yesterday the pic of Willie wouldn't post. Luckily the 3rd time it wouldn’t post I typed it in Word first so I didn’t lose it. Now trying for the 5th time it appears to be working, and the pic works. Blogger.com technology is wonderful... which brings up another point.

Interesting thought of the day:
Is it wrong to be pissed off when free stuff doesn’t work out correctly? For instance, free websites like hotmail or blogger, or gifts of faulty Subway cards (fuck you subway), or any gift for that matter when it isn’t what you want or is more trouble than its worth? What if you get a beer making kit, but upon reading the directions find out that it is a lot of work? Is it wrong to be upset?

Sin City Here I Am (part two in an epic two-part mini-series)

TJ woke me up at about 8 on Saturday morning. That wouldn't have been so bad if we didn't stay up until 5 the night before. "Let's get the truck unloaded before it gets hot" was his reasoning. At 8 in the morning it was already in the mid eighties. In L-town it hits mid eighties in the middle of Summer so to have it that hot at 8 in the morning was a little hard to take.
As we were moving shit up to their second floor condo, the condo's security guard rolled on over to our truck in his golf cart.
"You guys better get some Gatorade. It's gonna be hot today." My first thought was "No shit dumbass. It's fucking eighty degrees at 8 in the morning." "If you're not from around here the heat may surprise you" the security guard added. TJ asked him if water would be okay or if we better run down to the store and grab some Gatorade. The guard replied that "Yeah, water would probably work too."
After he rolled off we finished unpacking the truck. Since it was already a beautiful day, and we were all warm from moving shit on a hot day, we decided to hit the pool. We hung out at the pool for about an hour before heading back up to the condo, having a little chat with the coach, and taking a little six hour nap.
After waking up from our naps, Jill and TJ said we should head over to the new Red Rocks Casino and check out their buffet. The coach agreed with this thought and we were on our way.
Next time your in Vegas stop by and check out the Red Rocks. It's new but it's not right on the strip. It's a very nice place, and I didn't get lost once. Last time we were in Sin City we stayed at the MGM Grand and over the course of three days I got lost about five times. The numerous Heinekens may have played a part in that too though.
After spending a solid couple of hours chowing down, we decided to do some gambling. I decided to hit up the "Wheel of Fortune" slot machines and proceeded to almost immediately go up fifty bucks. I then gave it all back to the casino while waiting for my Heineken that never showed. Stupid waitress bitch. I mean don't tell somebody you're going to bring them a refreshing Heine and then not show. That's just rude.
After gambling a little we decided to go check out Fremont and the light show. Somewhere along the way we had managed to lose a couple of hours and by the time we got to Fremont, the light show was done for the evening. We hit a couple of casinos on Fremont for beverages and decided to head down to the strip.
I forget the name of the place, but on the strip there is a casino that has a mechanical bull in the bar. This sounded terrific. Let's get hammered and then go get hurt. After making our way through the casino and to the entrance of the bar, we decided that we didn't want to pay the cover if we weren't going to be able to ride the bull. And on Saturday night's they have bikini girl bull-riding. If I had another week or so to hang out in Vegas I would have checked it out. Since I was leaving the next morning we head back out onto the strip.
After unsuccessfully trying to get a parking spot at the Double-Down Saloon we decided to make our way to the Hard Rock Casino for Carmen Electra's Celebrity Poker tournament. Well the tournament must've been over already, cause none of us spotted any celebrities. A little more gambling and a couple of Heinekens later we decided to head back to Jill & TJ's place.
On our way out of the Casino we spotted none other than Skid Row's own Sebastian Bach passed the fuck out on a slot machine. This was easily the highlight of my weekend. Right in front of us was the mastermind behind such hits as 18 and life and some other shit I can't remember right now. Awesome.
On the way back we hit the drive-thru of the infamous Fatburger. Nothing to write home about. Anyhoo, we head back to the condo and proceeded to p.t.f.o. I believe it was about five in the morning.
The next morning Jill woke me up at about ten to go to breakfast. I was in for a treat. The Hash House A Go-Go is tha shiznit. I have never seen a plate of food as outrageous as the meals at the Go-Go.
The size of Jill and TJ's pancakes were unreal so I took a pic just to document it. My waffle was also giant in that it was about a square foot and about an inch and a half thick. The pancakes were about fourteen inches across and about a half an inch thick.
We gorged ourselves on breakfast and then made a quick pit stop by the condo. I grabbed my bag, had a quick motivational pep talk with the coach, and was off to the airport.
After one of the most turbulent rides of my flying career I landed safe and sound in PDX. My only regret was that I couldn't stay in Vegas longer.

The Mis-Adventures of Willie (vol 1)

After about the 50th phone call from Willie since he left for San Fransisco, and the fact that he makes me laugh every time, especially at work when I need it, I have decided to chronicle some of the best one quotes, stories, and embarassing happenings that are his life.

6-6-06 (oohh, spooky)
Willie calls at 1:00 (for the 5th time today since I didn't answer 3 of those times)
(note, from now on in these stories, W is Willie, E is me, N is Nate)

E-What's up stalker?
W-He he, you busy? You at lunch yet?
E-Of course I'm busy. Too busy to go to lunch these days. What's up?
W-I hurt myself bad yesterday.
E-Oh yeah?
W-You know how people in China town only come up to your chest, or maybe chin if they are really tall? Well I was walking and talking on the phone, and all of a sudden I was stopped suddenly. I looked down and there was a waist high "no parking on this side of the street" sign. And then the pain hit me. It couldn't hit me in the leg, or the thigh, no...I't hit me right in the dick. Right about then I realized how much pain I was in and dropped to the ground. A little chinese guy walking behind me stopped to laugh, and between gasps, he asked if I was okay. I tried to get up and kind of walk it off...and then the real pain hit me and I dropped to the ground again.
E- (listening and laughing the whole time) That sucks man. Right in the junk is the worst.
W-I finally did get back up, go down one more time, then got up and hobbled off. The guy hadn't stopped laughing yet, but he was nice enough to make sure I was okay enough to walk away. And later when I took a pee, the end of my dick was all purple.
E-(I proceed to lose it) HA HA HA, I am totally putting this on the Blog.
W-Yeah, if I had a Vag, it would have hit me right in the camel toe.

E- So what are you doing now?
W-Going to see the new X-Men movie. And I am the geek who went by himself, and since there was a line for the 1:00 show, I got a ticket to the 1:30 show so I can get a good seat, and now I am by myself.
E-Are you that guy who talks on his cell phone during the pre-previews?
W-I wanted a good seat.
E-That's awesome. You should come home instead of hang in San Fran pretending to work. Then we could see it together.
W-That's okay. I'm gonna sit here and masturbate with my hurt dick.
E-(I lose it again) You have fun with that. I gotta go back to work.

Stay tuned for the futher adventures of Willie the wonder-friend.
(note: some of Willie's comments have been altered to make them funnier, and/or speed up the conversation, as he tends to talk about 3/4 speed unless he is drunk.)

Sin City Here I Come (part one in an epic two-part mini-series)

So a couple of months ago my step-sister Jill, got a new job with an Interior Design firm down in Las Vegas. Beforehand she was working in the L-town, for a local Interior Decorator. This past weekend her boyfriend, TJ, moved down there. I had the pleasure of going with him. We were scheduled to take off from Longview on Thursday morning. I arrived at TJ's place at about 9 on Thursday to see that he wasn't done packing yet. After a couple more hours of packing he decided that he was going to tow his 1966 Volkswagen bus behind the rental truck. This added about two hours to our leaving time and in the end somewhere between six and eight hours of drive time. So we stop back by the local Budget truck depot and pick up a trailer. TJ also added me as a driver of the truck while we were there. Awesome. After Suzy the garden gnome finished filling out our paperwork and us hooking the trailer up to the truck, we were off back to TJ's for the bus. We got that loaded up and we were off. Well after a quick stop to talk to the coach. We drove down I-5 for about seven and a half hours finally stopping for the night in beautiful Ashland, Oregon. We checked into a hotel and watched a little Sportscenter before dozing off. Beforehand we agreed that we would be up early to hit the road as we figured there was probably about 12-14 hours left of driving. Jill woke us up with a phone call. Needless to say, we did not get an early start. We headed back out on I-5 about 9:30 that morning. We drove for a couple of hours before stopping for breakfast in Northern California. I figured that since we were heading to Vegas, we should be big-ballin and all so I enjoyed some Crystal with my Break-
fast. I can see why all the rappers love this stuff. It was good. Fo Shizzle.
After Breakfast we headed back out onto I-5 for the most boring stretch of the trip. I mean there are just so many fields, orchards, and fields that you can look at. Northern California is damn boring for driving.
We were supposed to hit a junction that would've have ran us right through Bakersfield on our way to Vegas. We missed it. So we ended up in Buttonwillow, California. Worst. Place. Ever.
We were hungry so we decided on some tasty Carl's Jr. for dinner. We ordered our meals and were told that our food we be ready soon.
"Ninety-two" the manager calls out about ten minutes later. Since we were given no order number, we should have known that a Guacamole Bacon Burger meal and a Spicy Chicken Sandwich meal is a 92 in fabulous Buttonwillow. The manager called out 92 about four more times before she finally got pissed and screamed out "#8 and a Spicy chicken meal". TJ grabs our food while we can hear the trollish manager saying "I called out 92 like five times!" Well that doesn't really work if you don't tell us the number. I was amused by how pissed off she was.
The next stop was the local Chevron for some petrol and a couple of Full Throttles. Once inside the Food Mart I noticed that they had no Full Throttles. What the fuck? I headed back out to the truck and noticed another minit mart right across the street. As TJ was still filling up the truck with gas I ran across the street (closer to jogged) and made my way into the minit mart. I'm pretty sure the owner of that there minit mart was/is on something. I grabbed three Full Throttles and placed them on the counter. I was expecting somewhere between five and seven dollars. Here in town they are roughly a buck 79 each. So you can imagine my surprise when the clerk told me eleven bucks. I politely laughed in her face, and left empty-handed.
We headed back out onto the road and drove through Bakersfield and out to the Mojave desert. Two words. Bo Ring. We decided to stop at a rest stop and had a little pep talk with the coach.
We headed back out onto I-15 and immediately pissed off every single trucker around. You see towing a Volkswagen bus on a full sized trailer behind a completely full truck will get you to right around 55 mph. I guess the truckers like driving faster than that (who knew?)
We drove for a couple more hours, arriving in Sin City at 2 in the morning on Friday night. We were so tired that there was no drunken debauchery that night, only a little sleep.
Stay tuned for my Saturday and Sunday morning in Vegas.....

Mondays

MONDAYS FUCKING SUCK!

hmm, I thought that might make me feel better, but I still want to go on a killing spree, so I guess that didn't help. Maybe if I mix all the partial bottles of liquor I have together and then me and Nate take turns swilling it out of an old mason jar until we pass out I might feel better. Or at least forget about work for a while. Just the thought of that makes me feel a little better, so I guess this wasn't a complete waste of 30 seconds...

Golfing, rain or shine

Well...it's Friday. And I approach another weekend where I have plans to play golf. Which is a good feeling, except for the 2nd time this spring, I have plans to play when it is supposed to rain. Last time it was at Trophy Lake in Port Orchard a few weeks back at James' 1st Annual Cabin Trip and Golf (weather permitting). The weather turned out to be sunburn-beautiful instead of raining as expected, and I spent a good 36 hours or so drinking, golfing, playing cards, and catching up with some college buddies that I usually only get to talk to via email or cell phone. It was great, and the weather was exactly like the website pictures.This time it is at Heron Lakes in Portland, and it is for the wife's family reunion and the 6th annual (I think) Fergie Fest Family Golf Tournament. Am I lucky enough to have the weather hold off and look like the picture below? Or will the forescast of rain only in the PM be off and I will get drenched? Let's hope for some sunbreaks so I can enjoy another year's win.

edit: Speaking of rain and sports, I have decided long ago living in the Pacific NW that rain won't stop me from playing sports. It has to be a frickin storm, and windy and raining to the point of not enjoying myself anymore to keep me from playing. A buddy (Bo) wouldn't come play wiffleball the other day because it was barely raining. Does that make him a pussy, or me crazy? (And does it change your answer to know that the rain stopped in the 1st inning?)

Pizza or beer

I had an epiphany today.

If you had to give up either pizza or beer, which would you choose?

My epiphany was that I would give up beer. I didn't realize how much I really loved pizza until the exact moment I decided that. Crazy.

But since I don't have to choose, I think I will go get another slice of free pizza from the lunch room, and later I will have a couple of free beers before I go home after another 9-10 hour day. Hey, no matter how busy you are, there is always a bright side. Usually.

Flushing a shut-out down the drain

I know it's only wiffleball, but it still hurts to have a shut-out going into the 6th and final inning, and having the wind pick up just a little bit, and getting shelled for 7 runs. You would think our manager would pull me, and put Tyler* in, but as I am the manager and was the one that couldn't get Phil to swing at a strike if the game depended on it (which it did), and I am stupid, I stood there like a stubborn bitch until my arm hurt (yes, from wiffleball, screw you) and pitched until I got the 3rd out.

And to make matters worse, I got robbed of a home run in the game for the second time this season. Uhh...crap, I had something else to say, but am now fuming about dropping that game and not hitting a home run in the last at bat to tie the game, that I can't even think straight.

*yes there were only 2 of us playing, which is part of the reason we couldn't stop some of the multitude of hits

the Letter "D"

If you haven't been checking out D's blog you should. Especially today. It is outfuckinstanding.

Rainy Days of Wiffleball

So we played wiffleball on Sunday. Probably not the best idea with the scattered showers and all. Before our game we started of with a little home run derby tournament that was won by the one-and-only Erik Guttormsen. Congrats Gus.
The rain really didn't affect the home run derby that much, except for batted balls that should've been a homerun but just died right next to the fence. I had at least three of them myself.
The rain did affect the regular game. It's very hard to pitch from a muddy mound and to bat in a mud-filled batter's box. I tried pitching a couple of innings and I got shelled, walking a few and giving up a couple of runs. And the other team was killing me with their pitching. I couldn't hit my way out of a wet paper bag. Final score: 17-11.
It wasn't that bad, I mean we only lost by a touchdown.

roped in

DAMMIT!

Why don't I take my own advice? After those horrible shopping experiences, and promising myself I won't shop til next month, I drive by Hollywood Video and see 5 DVDs for $20. I think "finally, the best sale yet." I am in the wrong lane, so I go through the intersection, take the next available left...and can't fucking turn left again because there is too much traffic. So I turn right, go another block, turn left and through a parking lot, and back on to that street headed back to Hollywood.

And what do I get for my extra trouble of 4 minutes worth of driving to go essentially 50 yards? The DVDs are 3 for $30, except for one fucking rack of DVDs from late 2005. "So I can pick 5 of the 9 choices?" Fuck you.

If I hadn't been wearing my work shirt and easily identifiable as someone working only 2 blocks away, they would have got a nice big "POOKIE, LET'S BURN THIS MOTHER FUCKER DOWN!" Bastards. Next time I go shopping I am purposely peeing on the floor next to the toilet.

weekend time

That is awesome. I want some non-monetary compensation. I was thinking golf, but punching people would be fun too. Or wackin em with my wiffleball bat.

And if anyone could please turn off the rain for the weekend, that would be nice. Our wiffleball game got rained out (yes we are wussies) and hope to play this weekend and have the kegger, I mean all star game, and need to not be raining.

And tons of movies coming out. I want to see X3 , and Abby wants to see DaVinci Code, which I have not read yet. Is it as good as everyone says?

3 flushes

You know you are having a good day, when 2 flushes just isn't enough.

And it's definitely better than days where you blow mud so loud and so fast that you scare the cat.

Wiffleball

As you have heard on here before Gus and I are participating in the first season of the Cowlitz County Wiffleball Association. We are just about to the halfway point of the season, save for two games that will be played tomorrow and Friday night. This weekend we are having our All-Star game / Homerun Derby / Kegger. If you are in the Longview/Kelso area this weekend and want to drink some beer and have a good time watching some wiffleball, Jones field in Kelso is the place to be. There are directions on the CCWA homepage so you know where to go and the festivities will be getting under way at about 1 in the afternoon. A keg cup will run you five bones and there are rumors of maybe having a little BBQ action. And Mike Jones will be there. No, not the rapper Mike Jones from Houston, but the one and only Mike Jones with his nuts pierced. That alone is worth the price of admission*.
So you should all come out and have some fun and drink some beer. Erik and I will both be participating in the derby and the game. We are both playing on the same team, so the opposition is pretty much doomed from the get-go.

*admission is free, and seeing Mike Jones is definitely worth that

Two great stories in one great post

Great Story #1
Hey guess who didn't know that WinCo doesn't take credit cards?
That's right, I rushed into WinCo to pick up some pop for a work BBQ, because even though I have never been there, and don't like the fact that it drove 2 good Market Places out of business in our town, it was the closest and off I went.
I'll be back in 10 minutes right?
Wrong.
First I have to go through their Disneyland line style store to get to the pop. Then I load up a cart. Then I get pissed even more by finding later that two 12 packs are cheaper than one 24 pack. The 12 packs are on a display after you go by all the other items, so either switch em, or bitch about it. I choose the latter because I am in a hurry, so I jump in one of the few open lines without switching them out to save a few bucks, behind the least scummy person who isn't rolling at least two full carts up to the line. (Hey porker, saving $.25 on all your items does not save you money if you buy $50 worth of shit you don't need!)
After the inept checker helps the inept customer in front of me, it is now my turn to be embarrassed and inept, because I only have my credit card, and they don't take them. Oh they take debit, or cash, or checks, or I can use the ATM to withdraw cash, but they don't take my most convenient form of payment, credit card. And the only sign for it is the one next to the debit card machine, which I ignored because it looks like every sign in the world that says we take credit, debit, and cash, but no checks, except they switched the words around to keep it a secret.
So, 10 minute drive and 10 minutes at the store at Fred Meyer, and it only took me 40 minutes to make a 10 minute trip. I now hate WinCo. I also would like to meet the braniac financial minds that think they lose more on Credit Card Fees than they lose on bogus checks, fraud, and the cost of processing all those checks. Plus all the business they lose from people like me, who hate them.

Great Story #2
Subway sells gift cards that they call Subway Cash Cards. You would think that these would be useful for purchasing sandwiches. They even say on the back:

• More Convenient Than Cash
• Use your SUBWAY Card to pay for SUBWAY purchases with a single swipe.
• visit www.mysubwaycard.com, or any participating SUBWAY restaurant to reload your Card or check your balance.

Wellllll, me, myself, and I would like to say "YOU SUCK." Abby and I got this card as a gift from our volleyball team. So we should be talking free sandwiches baby. But the cost in embarrassment and frustration is now way over the $5 or $10 value of this thing. I have been turned down at no less than 5 Subways in Washington and Oregon, and have been carrying this card around for about 3 months now. I stopped trying after the first month, so the total would be a lot higher if A.) I felt like trying more B.) I didn't have a friend with a Quizno's (who I might add accepts their gift certificates at all restaurants) and C.) didn't decide to wait until I could go back to the exact Subway where the card was purchased so that I know it will work.

Oh contraire, monfraire. I got a new hassle. Apparently the card has not been activated. Luckily unlike WinCo, I had enough cash to complete the transaction, and even if I didn't they would have taken a credit card. Otherwise you might be reading about a 28 year old banker from Washington who is sitting in jail with an empty stomach awaiting arraignment. Fuckers.

Luckily I already cleaned out Fred Meyer of their stock of wiffle balls and I have a full case of beer and BBQ stuff for the long weekend, because I don't feel like shopping again til next month.

My Top 25

As I have written on here before, I *heart* my iPod. Never did I think a little piece of electronics would change my life in such a way. Currently I am right around 5600 songs on the bad boy. I am always looking for some new tunes so if anybody reading this out there (all 3 of you) has an suggestions, suggest away! Here are my top 25 as of right now;
Bad Religion, 21st Century (Digital Boy)
"Franks & Beans" audio clip from Something About Mary (hilarious)
Trick Daddy, Let's Roll
cKy, Sink into the underground
the Kinks, Lola
Rolling Stones, Beast of Burden
Tom Petty, Refugee
Jay-Z, 99 Problems
Rolling Stones, Gimme Shelter (quite possibly the greatest song evah)
Rolling Stones, Start Me Up
Velvet Revolver, Slither
Jimi Hendrix All along the Watchtower
Modest Mouse, Ocean breathes salty
Offspring, All I want
Bush, Machinehead (greatest driving song evah)
Modest Mouse, Float on
Rancid, Radio
Rolling Stones, Brown Sugar
Method Man & Redman, da Rockwilder
Rolling Stones, Shattered
Snoop Dogg, Snoop's upside your head
Green Day, When I come around
Beastie Boys, Fight for your right
Rolling Stones, Start me up
The Roots, The seed (2.0)

Damn I knew I liked the Rolling Stones but six out of twenty-five is a little ridiculous. What's on your list?......

My Trip To Cleveland (How I Missed My Flight)

So I have stated in the past that I work for a pretty decent sized plumbing and industrial wholesaler. I mainly do residential plumbing sales with a little bit of commercial plumbing and some industrial mixed in just to make it exciting.
Well a couple of months ago I was selected from the salesmen at my branch to go back to Elyria, Ohio to a major tool manufacturer's headquarters and do some training. The training dealt with how their tools operated and what the major selling points of each tool was. The training was set for Monday through Thursday of this week.
Monday was supposed to be a simple travel day. Not for Nate. I woke up at 5 am that morning and hit the shower, knowing it would wake me up. J9 accompanied me to the airport in Portland which is about 45 minutes away. I made it to the airport in time to meet up with a couple of guys from our Portland branch that were also attending the training. We all boarded the plane headed for beautifully overcast Phoenix, Arizona. We were supposed to have a one hour layover in Phoenix and then board the flight for Cleveland. This is where things turned from good to not so good.
We landed in Phoenix and I proceeded to hit the pisser. Afterwards I tried to meet up with the other guys at the Fox Sports Bar. Worst. Bar. Ever.
A little backstory; About a year ago a law was passed in Washington state making it illegal to smoke in public places that are indoor. Bars, Restaurants, and whathaveyou all stopped being smokey and stinky. Verdict: Awesome!
Anyhoo, the people of Phoenix aren't really concerned with the quality of their air. This bar was packed with the oldest bar crowd I have ever seen smoking cigarettes like they were outlawing them at the end of the hour. The guys I was with, being smokers themselves, thought nothing wrong with this and headed into the bar.
Me myself and I hit up the smoke free Gordon Beirsch right down for the Fox Smoke Bar and enjoyed one of the worst $7 pints in the history of man. After such a tasty beverage, I was capital H hungry. Pizza Hut, here I come.
After devouring a personal sized pepperoni I was thirsty again. Not wanting another crappy $7 brewski I hit up the local Starbucks a.k.a. The Dark Side.
If these motherfuckers knew how to make a caramel Frappacino I would've been in Cleveland at 6 pm, Ohio time. When did I get there? I'm getting there, keep your pants on! (except you Jessica Alba)
So anyways I'm walking out of Starbucks and happen to glance up to see:

CLEVELAND : DEPARTED

FUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!

I ran faster than a crackhead with a Franklin towards gate A18. My flight was gone. I headed back up the walkway and found Customer Service. They didn't have another flight going to Cleveland until 6 am the next morning. Problem? I had training starting at 8 am. With the four hour flight and the three hour time change I just don't think I could make that.
I told them I had to be there at that time and they decided to re-route me through Sin City. Five hours later.... And then I had a three hour layover in Vegas before making my way to Cleveland.
After talking to my step-sister, who just so happens to live in Vegas, I had them change my flight there to another that was two hours earlier. I was to arrive in Vegas about a half hour after Jill got off work.
She came and picked me up, we went and had dinner, hung out at her place and then she took me back to the airport.
I arrived at the gate for my flight to Cleveland about a half hour early and easily made it onto my plane after taking two Tylenol PM's to make me sleep. Well the drunken teenager behind me had other ideas. He kept yelling to his buddies "Rectum.............. Hell it just about Killed 'em" which he followed with the most annoying laughter evah.
I was able to get a couple of hours of sleep, arriving in Cleveland at 6 am. The tool company's rep. picked me up at the airport about a half hour after that and we were off to the hotel. I made it there in time to wash my face, brush my teeth, drop off my bags, and throw on my steel-toed boots and head to training.
What did I learn from this experience? Only go to the Tilted Kilt in the Rio. Not the stand alone.

Longview and Dilbert

First off, I was driving through town, and realized how nice it is to live in such a green part of the world. Its really nice hear, with lots of trees along the lake I live by, so I took a few pics.
Also, if you read Dilbert, and/or the Dilbert blog and newsletter, you can appreciate this from the most recent newsletter:
There’s no such thing as a Dogbert Award, but when I heard this story from a reader, I thought that maybe there should be. “I have a student whose vocabulary is rather impressive. He annoys his classmates by answering questions in such a way that they have no idea what he has just said. Finally one student had had enough and asked why his classmate couldn't say things so other people could understand him. Without missing a beat the student shot back "Because I don't speak retard!" My immediate reaction was that the entire school year had been an elaborate set up for that punchline.

Nate Bullcock's Escape From Jail

Nate escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous even though he looks kinda scrawny. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Voodoo

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right...Voodoo Penis, my ass."




The rest is history...

Wiffle Ball pics

Here are a few pics from last Thursday, just to show you we mean business. They are not as cool as Kick Ball pics (Gina knows about this), but they are proof that we exist. Kinda.

#1 Alex getting ready to hit a double. Commishoner N8 and his scorekeeper Matt in the background, as well as our new signee, Garrett relieving himself to the left...

#2 A close up of the Commish and his scorebeeachhh. True athletes...

#3 That's me, with a vote of no confidence in Phil's pitching, because he walked me again...

#4 The commish taking batting practice. He really ripped that last one...

LEAVE A COMMENT.......

Us here at NOSE have noticed a dramatic increase in readership but nobody seems to want to leave a comment. What the dilly folks? We rely on your comments to let us know how shitty we truly are. So please leave a comment, and if you get a chance check out the wiffleball page. That is all.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

good weekend and summer movies

Well, now that volleyball is over, I didn't have to volunteer any time this weekend (if you don't count Friday afternoon with the Lions club). So what did I do? I drank Corona and Pacifico on Friday. Then I did this again Saturday, as well as watched Mission Impossible 3 with Abby. Then Sunday our wiffle ball games got rained out, so I drank a few beers watching Nate's team try to play a game through the rain and still hit 4 home runs and demolish Hewey's team. Then it was off to finally try Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter on the Xbox360.

This weekend was the first time in almost 2 months that I had time to play video games. And it was good. I think I am going to get an HD TV just so I can see this game and a few others on a bigger clearer screen. The 360 rocks. And as you can see from my Gamer tag down to the left, they also have previews of upcoming movies, including Nacho Libre, with Jack Black, MI3, which made me go see it Saturday, and X3, which comes out this month. I might actually see some movies this summer, as MI3 was a good experience, very loud with lots of shooting and explosions, and X3 looks good, and you gotta see Jack Black movies, and Nacho Libre looks funny as hell. Speaking of Hell, there is a new Omen movie coming out. The kid in that xbox360 preview looks just a little scary staring at you in that red coat and shorts. This picture is him, and you can see the red tie, but if you have the means, see the 360 preview. And it comes out on 6-6-6, which is a cool (i.e. scary) idea.

Now tonight a little practice wiffle ball maybe after Lions, then some makeup games tomorrow. Check out our stats if you want. Cowlitz county wiffleball association

Happy Cinco de Drinco

Here's hoping this picture resembles your dinner tonight, or breakfast tomorrow, or whatever.

Also, here's hoping that less than half of you get the squirts from all the Mexican Food and Beer. I know Smoot will be leaving a porcelin imprint on that big ol butt of his tomorrow, and hope that not too many of you follow him into the throneroom.

And to all these alleged "girls" he keeps getting to hang out with, since Damien scares all the dudes away from their get togethers, I hope you enjoy your visits to NOSE, and feel free to comment. Comments make us feel important. And the more embarassing stuff you can share about Todd's drunken exploits, the better.

And for those of you finding your way here via Smooty's email..
Everyone knows that I am funnier than Todd. Todd will just have to live with that knowledge, and that rumor about his huge penis. Everyone hates it when that rumor gets spread about you.

The Coma Patient

A woman was in a coma for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough,there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened - telling him "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined ..no pulse, no heartbeat.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said "I'm not sure... maybe she choked."

random question

Everyone by now has seen these self-important assholes who wear their cell-phones on their belts and my question is this.

What is the main driving force behind wearing their phone here?

What are your thoughts?

• Is it just because they want you to see it?
• Do they really think it is handier than having it their pocket?
• Do they feel like gunslingers from the old west?
• Do they not realize that they look like complete tools, or am I alone in that opinion?
• Do they have really small penises?

Only 4 more days until Cinco de Drinco!

And here are some more pictures for you to enjoy!

Wiffle Ball

Wiffle Ball If you live near me and Nate, you should be playing in our wiffle ball league. If you do not, you can at least see how good we are at it because Nate keeps stats and everything. And if you have your own league or sports team, you check out the site because league lineups.com is pretty cool for tracking your league or team, and its free.

Also, for those of you loyal readers out there, I apologize for the lack of posts lately. Life has been in the way for all three of us. We are ashamed, but will make no special effort to rectify the situation.

(The previous message was written purely to say a word that sounds like rectum.)

Photo of the Week

Nothing beats an ice cold Pabst. Especially if you can get ahold of Pabst glasses to drink it out of like I have...

p.s. I am totally growing my hair out like this guy.

I know its a little early, but...

Cinco de Mayo is the widely commemorated Mexican holiday celebrated in honor of the Mexican army's victory over the French in the Battle of Puebla in 1867. While properly a Mexican celebration, it has become increasingly popular in the U.S., especially in areas bordering Mexico.
The festive spirit of the day is observed with food, folkloric dancing, music and parades.

Cinco de Drinco is the widely commemorated name for the same holiday that involves much of the same thing, except you replace folkloric dancing with drinking, and music and parades with drinking.

This year will be my 9th or 10th Cinco de Drinco (I can't remember if I made that up at 19 or 20?), but the first annual Cinco de Drinco held at our house in our newly remodeled back yard will be three Fridays from now. It will also be preparation for our 6th annual 4th of July Party. And this year I have the week off again and will be just back from Mexico at the end of June (and possibly Montana for a wedding on the 1st), so get ready for a new tradition in only its 2nd year, Go 3rd. Beer Gardens on the 3rd, followed by 3 more days of partying with Go 4th at our house and the Lake, Abby's birthday the 5th, and mine the 6th. The hot tub will be fired up at all occasions, with plenty of beer, BBQ, and four-square for all.

Ping Pong and fun weekends

If you didn't have a good enough reason to buy an Xbox360 before, now you do. That's right. Ping Pong.

On another note, I had a good weekend.
Golf on Thursday with Dad. Some drinking.
Dad's birthday party on Friday. Much drinking.
Blazer game and then visiting Porky's for Easter weekend drinking.
Easter followed by seeing Larry the Cable Guy live in Portland. Very funny, as was his lead in PJ Walsh . I highly recommend the Git-R-Done tour if you get a chance to see it.

And speaking of fun weekends, N8 is planning a whiffleball league, so if you are in the area, make sure and get signed up.

WA quarter

The Simpsons have a movie in the works. Which is nice.

Also, you can vote for the design for the Washington quarter, to make sure that sucky 3rd design doesn't win...

http://www.governor.wa.gov/quarter/default.asp

And lastly, I like beer. Dark Beer, Lite Beer, Hefeweizen, Amber, IPA, Stout, Budweiser, Coors, Pyramid, Rolling Rock, Widmer, Fat Tire, Guinness, Kirin-Ichiban, Henry's, Busch, Ale, Black and Tan, Arogant Bastard, Corona, MacNJacks, Harps...man, I'm getting thirsty already and its not even lunch time.

the Pharmacist

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Fun with Computers

What is your biggest complaint about computers? What is your biggest praise for computers?

For me (and I am sure Smooty can eleborate, as he is in I.T.) the biggest complaint has to be people that do not, or will not, read error messages, help menus, or instructions. How many problems that some schmuck asking for your help has had are solved when you force them to read the instructions on screen and follow them.

HEY ASSHOLE, IF THE MESSAGE SAYS THAT THE SCREEN CAN NOT BE OPENED BECAUSE YOU HAVE POP-UPS DISABLED, MAYBE YOU SHOULD FOLLOW THE PROMPTS AND DISABLE POP-UPS FOR THAT SITE INSTEAD OF GETTING FRUSTRATED AND CALLING I.T!!! Am I right Smoot or what?

Also, I would prefer that people who spam and hack computers (so that my fucking computer at home takes 5 minutes to load because of all the spyware and background programs in the world before I can access a program) could be put in prison with the rapists so they can feel pain on the same level as the pain that this causes me.

On the plus side, I am a big fan of time-wasting sites on the internet and wish that it was my job to look at them or design them, kind of like a web-nanny from that movie 40 Days with Josh Hartnett. Nothing beats reading wastes of space like this blog and then creating your own.

Quick joke

Thought for the day:
If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Also, I heard the funniest line of the month when watching part of Fever Pitch last night.
Jimmy Fallon's buddies are forcing him to take a shower after he goes on a Bill Buckner tape-watching binge, and he looks down and one guy appears to be cleaning his "equipment," and he says "what are you doing?" the guys says, "Don't worry, I'm a doctor." And he says, "Yeah, but why are you shaving my balls Doc?"

Work Sucks, March Madness, Cleveland, Wiffle-Ball, iPods, Myspace

So this week has been one of the busiest weeks evah for me here at work. Monday and Tuesday I had meetings in Portland and didn't get back to town either day til about 6 or so. And the rest of the week here at my office has been so busy that for the ten hours I am here, I have actually been doing work. What's up with that?

Congrats go to Shaun Campbell who held on to win the first annual NOSE/RRR March Madness Pick 'Em. Your t-shirt will be to you soon buddy. I just need to find a place to get one printed because the one I found on-line had a minimum order of six t-shirts. And I figured having six people with "champion" shirts out of a ten person pool was kinda brokeback. The real reason is I didn't want Emily to get a shirt (don't tell her that though).

So I am gonna be heading to the land of the Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame here in May. I was selected out of the salesmen of my branch to go on a training trip to the Ridgid Tool headquarters and I am so happy about it that I just pissed in my pants a little bit. So they fly me out to Cleveland, put me up in a hotel a couple of days, and teach me about Ridgid tools. They also take us the the R'nR HoF and a Cleveland Indians game. It should be pretty cool.

Matt Jones of Jackmove fame and I are getting ready to get our inaugural season of Wiffle-Ball under way. If you live in SW Washington and would be interested in playing leave me a comment with you e-mail addy and I will definitely get a hold of you. It should be a lot of fun drinking beers, hanging out, and striking Matt Jones out numerous times. We had one tourney last year and it was a blast.

So I am approaching the 5,000 song mark on my iPod. I probably haven't even listed to about a quarter of the songs I have on there but it's still nice to have 'em. Currently I have been rocking out to some Bad Religion. If you have any suggestions of tunes I may like, leave me a comment and I will check them out.

Last night I logged onto my myspace.com account and noticed that I just passed the 100 friend mark. I feel so fuckin popular that I went and roughed up the suspect right there. I'd like to give a shout-out to Red Red Rine, who was my 100th friend. Thanks for the ego boost.

Great post

Check this out from one of my favorite blogs.
http://porktornado.diaryland.com/upssucks.html
Dusty got screwed at work because UPS didn't get a package to his boss on time. The letter that he writes to them is awesome.

And I was just watching the Mets beat the Washington team (what the fuck is their name???) and saw a sweet arguing match between the Washington coach and the ump. It was just like old Tommy Lasorda arguing matches. It was sweet.

Automobiiiillle?

Dooooonnnggggg? Where is my Automobile?

Automobiiillle?

Crash...Lake...Big Lake.

More Golf Jokes

First off, condolences to Tricia, whose fellow sonic dancers barely lost to the King's dance team. That Sucks.

As for golf jokes...

Golf
A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball.
She hacks it 10 feet; goes over and hacks it another 10 feet, then hacks it another 10 feet.
She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those f----ing lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replied, "Well, you know, that's your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead."
To this day, his grave marker stands next to that tee box

and Joke #2

It seems there is a foursomes of men teeing off on Saturday morning. The last one gets up on the ladies tee goes through an elaborate pre-shot routine and addresses the ball. As he is about to swing the starter comes on the loudspeaker and announces, "Will the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the men's tee?" The man backs away from the ball and starts his routine over. As he addresses the ball the loud speaker crackles again, "Will the man on the ladies tee move back to the men's tee, PLEASE?" The man shakes his head, backs away and starts the routine all over again. Just as he addresses the ball and is about to swing the loud speaker crackles again, "PLEASE! WILL THE GUY ON THE WOMEN'S TEE KINDLY MOVE BACK TO THE MEN'S TEE!" The golfer shakes his head and yells, "WILL THE STARTER KINDLY SHUT UP AND LET ME HIT MY SECOND SHOT!"

and I just got back from Wine Tasting in Walla Walla all day Sunday, and then a nice leisurly drive back the Washington side of the Columbia with Abby and a few more wineries on Sunday. I will get some pictures on the net this week I hope. Man I spent a lot of money...but boy do they make some good wine in Walla Walla.

March Madness & Work Sucks

So it looks like Mr. Shaun Campbell is most likely gonna win the 1st annual NOSE/RRR March Madness Tournament pick 'em. Congratulations Shaun on an amazing first round and following it up with some solid couple of rounds. Mr. Tasker is sitting in third place and has a possible chance of pulling it out with a win by UCLA. And that could very well happen with how the rest of this tourney is playing out. The boys here at NOSE both scored higher than our buddy Emily over at Red Red Rine so let the shit-talking begin.
Work as been extremely brokeback this week. One of our counter salesman blew out his knee a couple of weeks ago. He's been wearing a brace on it and to the doctor a couple of times and the doc decided he needed to operate. So Bob (totally a fake name) is home recouping from surgery. Guess who gets to work his job? And still have all of my regular responsibilities too. I've been so tired every night this week that I go home, watch TV for a couple of hours and usually fall asleep on the couch.
I probably won't be writing much for the next week so I will leave you with what could possibly be the most racist robot joke evah. Hope you enjoy it.
A business man is in a new town where they just built a brand new, five-star golf course. The business man goes to the golf course and approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddy."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." The robot caddy turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole, thanks to the robot and his advice.
But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddy.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"
The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next time I am in town."
A couple of weeks pass, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.
Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said,"I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the hell could've complained about those robots? They were incredible."
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for unemployment, and the other two robbed the pro shop."

The finals

Two sets of finals going on.
The first is VOTE NOW for Tricia and the sonic dancers trying to make it to the finals.

The second is of course the NCAA that we all have no chance at because of all the Sweet! upsets. Any side bets on the remaining teams from the NOSE/RED RED RINE fans? I'm going with Florida and Noah and that WNBA fro hes got going on.

Also, I will be on hiatias (or how ever you say vacation in a cool way these days) while over in Walla Walla on Saturday, and although wine-induced posts are very funny, I probably wont have internet while in a 12 passenger limo/van and hitting up my 5th or 6th winery. And since hangovers and being awake don't mix, don't expect a post Sunday either. Smoot and Nate, its up to you to not let both our readers down...

And Smoot, sorry, but you didn't win the raffle either.

Mind of Mencia

Smooty introduced me to Carlos Mencia last year. And I was just lucky enough to catch the new Mind of Mencia on Comedy Central. And that show is one of the best shows on TV. Hey made fun of Kanye West, and had some huge chicks and midgets dancing at the end of the show...absolutely hilarious. Thank you Smoot for starting down the path.

and then, a commercial for David Spade's ShowBiz News. "Michael Jackson's 2,600 sq ft Neverland Ranch closed this week. It's 15 years old, so I guess he's just not attracted to it anymore..." That's awesome. I need to watch more Comedy Central.

Oh yeah, on another note, I held the drawing for the Xbox360 and the other prizes in our Volleyball Club's raffle. Nate, you didn't win. But I held the auction during the 18s division practice, and found out that I may be out of shape, but I can still hit the ball almost as hard as half their team...of 17 year old girls, so I got that going for me. And I even blocked one...But shit, these girls are taller than me, so I feel pretty good about that.

The Broken Printer

A coworker got a pen stuck inside our printer.

He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to maintenance. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of the maintenance guy's comes in laughing and says he was just in the office, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to........

Funny stuff, and the egg

First of all, some quotes to read, so they don't have to keep going around the email chain:

• "I feel so miserable without you. It's almost like having you here." --Stephen Bishop
• "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." --John Bright (this is about Todd)
• "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --Winston Churchill
• "He had delusions of adequacy." --Walter Kerr (Again, about Todd)
• "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --Groucho Marx
• "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --Mark Twain
• "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --Oscar Wilde (this is Ahn)

And then another funny list from Alex:
How to Make a Woman Happy-
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
a friend
a companion
a lover
a brother
a father
a master
a chef
an electrician
a carpenter
a plumber
a mechanic
a decorator
a stylist
a sexologist
a gynecologist
a psychologist
a pest exterminator
a psychiatrist
a healer
etc. etc. (there is a lot more, but you get the idea)

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY- It's not difficult:
1. Show up naked 2. Bring beer

-Egg Found And for those of you in the area that read the paper, The Daily News had an easter egg hunt going, with daily clues in the paper to where the $1,000 egg was located. And after a couple weeks of good clues that sounded like the egg was at the Lake in the center of town (Longview), it was in fact located in some park I have never heard of in Castle Rock. I would like to be the first to say THAT IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. If 80% of your readers live in one area, don't make a prize available to 8% that live 20 miles North. I had never even heard of the place they found the egg, and I am sure I am not in the minority of people that thought "that sucks." I did however appreciate that a couple of "pranksters" (as the paper called them) took my idea and hid some fake eggs around town. That's awesome.

Wow! Britney Has Really Let Herself Go

Gonzaga Chokes

I can't believe Gonzaga choked that bad. I am embarrased to have visited Spokane before, after seeing Morrison crying before they had even lost. And then to see him SOBBING at midcourt after they did in fact choke on a huge lead with only 3 mintues left...You don't give up just becuase you have lost the momentum, common guys. That team has been living too close to Cougar-Land in Pullman. That was some serious Ray Finkle type shit.

And I hope you all had Duke to win it, because my only chance of winning the blog-pool is if you guys lose your champion pick too. I am on fire, except for that stupid North Carolina.

And in my other Pools, I have Texas, who finished off Virginia in dramatic fashion. Very cool finish with swished long-distance, off-balance 3 pointers at both ends of the court with little time left.

and the name Bullcock is very funny (see below).

The Legend Of BULLCOK

As some of you may know I used to play tennis back in my high school days. I wasn't the greatest, but I wasn't half bad either. My high school had one of the better teams in the league so for my first two years I played junior varsity.
The summer between my sophomore and junior years I decided I was gonna play varsity. I played tennis all the time and even went as far as taking some lessons. My game improved dramatically.
Well school starts and my math teacher and I don't get along. At all. Long story short, he ends up flunking me. As a result I don't get to play tennis my junior year, which would have been my first year on varsity. I was pissed.
I kept playing though even occasionally practicing with the team. Kept playing all summer getting ready for senior year. I remember taking a somewhat easy schedule my senior year just so I would do good in all my classes so I know I would play tennis. I also ran cross country and "wrestled" my senior year. The reason I put wrestled in parentheses is a whole other store that I really don't have time to get into know.
Shit, where was I.
....re-reading post....
Okay so tennis season my senior year starts and we have a great team. All the guys that started their freshman year with me fill the varsity squad. I am paired up with my buddy Greg playing doubles. We were pretty damn good winning most of our matches. Well as most of you know, the local newspaper usually will do write-ups on local high school sports. I always thought it was pretty cool when I got my name in the paper and usually cut them out and put them in some half-ass scrapbook I had.
Well one of the last matches of season comes and we are playing the dreaded Columbia River high school out of Vancouver, Washington. This is the one team that every year played us tough. They always had a great team. We kicked their asses. I think Greg and I won our doubles match something like 6-1, 6-0. Stomped their Cheiftain* asses into the ground. We were pumped. That win pretty much assured us of the league title. So the next afternoon I hurry home after school and grab the local newspaper. Reading the write-up I notice something wrong. Wait a minute......What's this?

RAL vs. Columbia River

Varsity Doubles

Greg Able & Nate Bullcok

defeat

Jake Shaw & Ryan Smith

6-2, 6-0

What the fuck? Bullcok? My last name is Bullock.
What's even worse is my mom works at the Newspaper. And they still spelled my name wrong.
My buddies thought it was hilarious. I got called "Bullcok" for long, long time.
Some good did come out of it though. I ended up asking a hot chick to the prom and she said yes. Boy did that girl end up disappointed.

* Chieftain was Columbia River's mascot

BRAD KANN

We can't stay too serious around this place for long (see prior post below) so I felt it necessary to make fun of our friend Brad. He has earned many names over the past 10 years (college and after-years) including Junior Bitch, B.G.B. (big-gay-brad), and numerous others that escape me because this new round of making fun of Brad was so funny, I forgot the others.

For those of you watching basketball last Friday, I am sure you caught a glimpse of the Bradley-Kansas game. Well, what was so funny about this to us, is that on the TV screen it read like this:

BRAD
KANN

How is that funny you ask? Because we called Brad and the other guys he was watching the game with and started in with "Brad Kann suck some dick," "Brad Kann take it from behind," "Brad Kann get me a beer," etc, etc. Very funny when you are wasted off Green Beer and Guinness. Especially if you know Brad and how everyone always picks him to be the subject of their dumb drunk jokes. He is a good sport.

You have to give it to him. He takes it pretty well everytime.
(see jokes like that are what make me smile!)

Also, while searching for a picture of Brad, I found these great drinking pics I forgot about, as well as a link to a bunch of picture pages that I made on my website, including one of my favorites, this one of my and Abby.

Good luck with your picks tonight, and Go Zags!

And it looks like Tricia and the Sonics are still alive. Look for a new vote link soon.

Good Deeds done not so Dirt Cheap

I may have mentioned this before, but my grandfather passed away in December. So recently at an auction that my Church/old elementary school holds every year, my wife and I decided to purchase the name of the gym for a year and name it after my Grandpa Gunnar in his memory. So with the help of my cousin Gunnar and his wife, we forked over the necessary dough to win the auction, and here you see the end result. Pretty Cool.

In the picture is me, my grandma, Jamie (Gunnar's wife), and her boys Bryson and Kjell (bryson's first name is Gunnar). My grandma liked it as I hoped she would and said that she is sure he would have really liked it too. As an added bonus, Bryson goes to St. Rose now too, so Gunnar and Jamie get to see it all the time. Plus my Dad goes to church a lot, and he will be able to see it, and that is important to me too. Hope this only sounds like bragging a little, but I really wanted to mention it.

GO ZAGS!

Scam Alert: Home Depot

I am writing this to warn all of you loyal NOSE readers of something that happened to me. I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me at Home Depot and it could happen to you.
Here's how the scam works, two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride into town. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Wednesday, Friday, twice on Saturday, again on Monday, and also yesterday and probably tonight.

get fuzzy & Sonics

Time to vote again for Tricia.

Also, another good comic today, this time from Get Fuzzy.

Way To Go, Ichiro!

Congrats to Ichiro and the rest of the World Baseball Classic champions, Japan. Hopefully this will carry over into the regular season for Ichiro and the Seattle Mariners.

Blazers good, Refs bad

The blazer game last night was exciting, but was again ruined for me by the poor officiating of the NBA league and the poor free-throw shooting of the Blazers. This write-up doesn't even mention it, but with somewhere around a minute left, Zach Randolph missed 2 free throws that would have brought them within 2. But about 30 seconds later it became a Moo point* when the Refs failed to call A BLATENT FULL BODY CONTACT FOUL that sent a Blazer player to the ground in mid-lay up after an offensive rebound, and the Bucks went the length of the floor to widen the lead to 5 or 6. It was the biggest horseshit non-call I have seen since the SuperBowl.

The game was hella exciting, and anyone that doesnt dig the Blazers lately has to realize that other than free-throw shooting and those fuckin refs (they sucked against both teams by the way) they games are still damn fun to go to. Especially when you can get tickets cheap and practically sit where ever you want. Plus there is always a chance of a fight, especially when your team keeps losing and the stupid rookie is wearing tights...

On another note, I picked up a Team Autographed ball and a bunch of memoribilla from the Blazers for the raffle. If you haven't bought any tickets to support my Club, you are missing out. Thousands of Dollars in prizes, and tickets are only $1.

*(its like a cows opinion, it doesnt matter)

dilbert is funny

Very funny comic.

Also, if you didnt see my comment to Nate's post, North Carolina was a joke pic I did not get online to change in time. There is a slight chance I will not win the Blog pool...

The Sweet Sixteen a.k.a. How My Bracket Got Busted

Note to self: Quit drinking before filling out March Madness tournament brackets. The downside to that is I will have to wait until next year to actually follow through on it. And as of Saturday, this year's bracket was completely fuckered. Here are the standings as of Monday morning:

1. Shaun Campbell - 480 pts. - still leading after an impressive first round
2. Emily "Red Red" Rine - 450 - Wow! The luck of the Irish is alive and well
tie. Erik Guttormsen - 450 - speechless
4. Alex Nelson - 440 - who knew that bankers knew basketball?
5. E. Rhodes - 430 - who?
6. n8 b - 410 - why UNC, why?
7. Ryan "Dicko" Dickerson - 400 - you suck Dicko
tie. T. Warburton - 400 - who, deux?
9. T. Tasker - 390 - who, again?
tie. Gym Hewey - 390 - now that is some funny shit. I don't care who you are that's some funny shit.

At this time I would like to give a big fuck you to UNC, Ohio State and Kansas. As for Southern Illinois and U of Wisconsin, Milwaukee...my bad, what the hell was I thinking?
As for my other brackets, they are fucked too. I actually had Illinois winning one. I guess I like just throwing money away. My only hope hinges on Dook and J.J. Redick who is looking awfully tired.
As for my St. Paddy's day I drank some green beers, and some Guinness. Erik and Mrs. G. got wasted. Good times. Quite the dangerous duo when they have both been boozing. They have been known to leave empty beer cans and half-eaten breakfast burritos in their wake.

Round 2

So I am too lazy to go find out how the pool is doing, but I would assume that with the scores I saw last night (and don't remember. hmmmm, green beer and guinness) that Shaun is no longer perfect, and we are probably equally getting screwed by picking the wrong upsets. When Nate gets on here, he can post the standings or something. Me, I've only missed 7 picks I think, and haven't lost any of my elite 8 picks, so there is still a chance.

St. Pattys day was a fucking success. If you guage success by getting real drunk, eating muchos gracias breakfest burritos, getting drunk some more, having someone drive your car home, and getting cool green heinekin and corona (corona???) beads at The Shamrock. That bar is cool, and I can't think of a better way to waste a day then drinking and watching basketball. Except maybe drinking and watching Football. (GO HAWKS!)

sea vs. hou Also, thanks for voting for Tricia and the sonics. as you can see, they are up against the Rocket Dancers on the 22nd, so make sure to get on this link and vote on that day.

edit: I did get one picture, but blogger isn't working for me either on the photos, so check myspace to see it.

F*cking Blogger & Way To Go Shaun

So I've tried FIVE fucking times now to post this really great story I have about a big fucking Grizzly Bear up in Alaska. How big? Try fourteen feet tall when it's standing on it's hind legs. And blogger won't let me post the pictures of this monster. Soon as it let's me post some pics it'll be up here.

And after one day of the NOSE/RRR March Madness Tourney Challenge, Erik's buddy Shaun when 16 for 16 on day one. Which is funny since just 72 hours ago he made his deal with the devil. I thought there was some kind of waiting period before deals with Satan went through. Oh and it's Shaun's B-Day today so happy birthday Shaun.

And a happy B-Day to little Nate, son of Matt Jones of Jackmove fame. And one of the coolest little dudes ever. (I mean the name says it all, right?)

And to everybody else, Happy St. Paddy's. Who brought the Guinness? (God I cannot wait to get off work)

3 down...

So, 3 games down, how many of you picked Wisc. Milwaukee?
and how about Boston College holding on?

I saw a healthy handful of brackets got posted. excccellent.

edit 4:00 PST: so now im 6-7. how about you?

Also, our friend Tricia and the Sonic Dancers need your help. Vote for them at VOTE NOW

edit 4:20 PST: I can't help myself. I hate work and want to be watching basketball. Check this page of first day quotes out, along with my favorite. sports.yahoo

"At the Nevada–Montana game someone held up the following sign: "Grizzly 1,300 pounds, Wolf 70 pounds. No contest." "Someone spent time writing that out? And then carrying into a stadium? And someone at CBS decided to show it? " WTF?

Get In The Pool

Our friend Emily over at Red Red Rine started a NCAA March Madness pool sponsored by her webpage and the good guys here at NOSE. So if you are interested in picking some games and talking a little smack go to here, and sign up.
The winner will have exclusive shit-talking rights plus win a brand new, extremely limited (try one of one) tee-shirt that will somewhat resemble this.
So get off your asses and sign up. And Red, you're going down!
Good luck to everybody who enters.

And to my "little" brother T.R. Happy 25th Birthday! Hope it's a good one!

NCAA and St. Patricks Day

Its tuesday before the games start. Have you got your picks in for the NOSE/RedRedRine NCAA pool on Espn.com yet?
http://games.espn.go.com/tcmen/group?groupID=122935&password=null

Or have you got in on any office pools? Who did you pick, or if it was random draw, who did you get? Inquiring minds want to know. And they also want to know how many of you take time off to watch any of the games.

And for those of you in the area, the 17th is Shaun's birthday, so we are meeting at the Shamrock Friday between 3:00 and 6:00 if you want any chance of a seat. It's drinking time baby!

quick renaming of burckhardt

Lately those of us around the Longview branch of NOSE have been referring to our favorite Wookie (burckhardt) as "Cockblocker." (stories to follow at another time) A recent advertisment in the new EGM has made realize the error of our ways. He is in fact a "Gamekiller," as described at www.gamekillers.com. The example in my ad was "The One Upper," and you can get an idea of the other types at the site. Because if he's ruining your chances of talking to girls, he's not really blocking your cock. At least not yet...

favorite funny movies?

How about a fun post with some commentor interaction?

What's the best funny movie you've seen lately?
(whether its new or something you watch over and over.)
(p.s. we'll do other categories later)

For me, it's "Harold & Kumar go to White Castle"
(favorite line: "COMMON POOKIE, LET'S BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER DOWN!"

And what's your favorite funny movie(s) of the last 10-20 years?

For me, the first thing that jumped in my mind was "Spaceballs."
(line: "I'm surrounded by assholes!")

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

So tonight is the night I get my new computer. It kinda feels like Christmas in March. I am so excited, every time I think about it I pee in my pants a little bit.
I stopped by T, O, double D's last night to check on the progress and he was just loading it up with some programs for me. I started asking him questions about the specs on this bad boy and he broke it down for me as best he could (I don't speak computer at all). Anyways he told me it is gonna have a 1.4 ghz, 64 bit processor, a gig of ram, and a 150 gb hard-drive for me to store movies and music on. I plan on spending the evening bulking up my iTunes collection.
So I wrote Erik an e-mail this morning asking him about his high-speed internet provider and basically just bragging about my new toy. I will enclose our e-mail exchange below because I am too lazy to recount the whole exchange.
---------------------------------------------
From: Nate.Bullock@onecoolmofo.com
Sent: Thursday, March 09, 2006 10:13 AM
To: eguttormsen@ilovefagsoup.com

What's up foo? I should be getting my new computer tonight. It looks like it's gonna be a beast.
1.4 ghz 64 bit processor
150 gb hard drive
1 gb ram
17" flat screen monitor
wireless keyboard and mouse
I'm gonna go home and rough up the suspect BIG time!
How's you're day going?
---------------------------------------------
From: eguttormsen@ilovefagsoup.com:
Sent: Thu 09-Mar-06 10:22 AM
To: Nate.Bullock@onecoolmofo.com

you getting high speed internet?
--------------------------------------------
From: Nate.Bullock@onecoolmofo.com
Sent: Thursday, March 09, 2006 10:13 AM
To: eguttormsen@ilovefagsoup.com

fo sho....I'm gonna start looking at providers here in about a week....who do you use?
--------------------------------------------
From: eguttormsen@ilovefagsoup.com:
Sent: Thu 09-Mar-06 10:22 AM
To: Nate.Bullock@onecoolmofo.com

adelphia. and i think they are running a killer $26 a month for the first 6 months or something.
--------------------------------------------
From: Nate.Bullock@onecoolmofo.com
Sent: Thursday, March 09, 2006 10:13 AM
To: eguttormsen@ilovefagsoup.com

really? I will have to give them a call. That sounds good. How much is it usually?
---------------------------------------------
From: eguttormsen@ilovefagsoup.com
Sent: Thu 09-Mar-06 10:22 AM
To: Nate.Bullock@onecoolmofo.com

i think its between 35 and 40 usually, but its grouped in with my $130 cable bill (ouch) so im not exactly sure. plus you rent the modem for 2.50 or something like that.
--------------------------------------------
From: Nate.Bullock@onecoolmofo.com
Sent: Thursday, March 09, 2006 10:13 AM
To: eguttormsen@ilovefagsoup.com

$130 for cable? Does it at least swallow?

Tiger Woods 2006

In case you play video games, and were considering getting the new Tiger Woods game, don't. Here is my favorite excerpt from what I think is a very funny review I did on gamespot.com

"In case dual sticks is not hard enough for you, we have placed the power button above the left stick, just because we hate you and want you to shank to the right consistantly like you do in real life."
You can see a summary here, and the full review here.

Also, Harry Potter 4 comes out on DVD today (or yesterday). Columbia House better get my friggin copy here, cause I need to drink to Harry Potter 4, and they don't allow drinks in Kids movies, or in most theaters for that matter.

Three Times in One Day? Wow!

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive womanstanding alone.
He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I likemost - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beerfuck," he said.

Too Funny

I know double posts are kewl but this was too funny to not share. Big ups to planetdan.net for finding this gem. If for some reason this pic doesn't move (like it should) click on the link. You won't be disappointed.

edit by Erik: I checked out planet dan, and this site is good. I had to add these gems.

I want to see her wal-mart outfit. Moo moo or stretch pants???
And You Gotta Love Moloram and Indiana Jones.
Goes good with Nates new phrase I heart you.

I Could've Been Killed!

So yesterday, Gym from work and I were going to lunch. Taco Time was the destination as it usually is on Tuesdays. About halfway through our trip we arrive at the intersection that I have so poorly drawn out here.
This intersection is right over by were Erik works. It's a four-way stop and it tends to confuse people who can't drive, especially at lunchtime when there is more traffic than usual. So I pull up to the stop sign (I'm represented by the car-thing on the map) and wait for my turn. The other cars all go and I start out into the intersection. Well Mr. Yuck driving his brand new, shiny blue, Chevrolet Avalanche (damn those things are ugly) decides it's his turn to go. Except he isn't going to turn right like he should but instead goes straight through the intersection, stopping a couple of inches away from T-boning me.
I go to flip him off (I suffer from an extreme case of Road Rage) and notice he's an older, fat, ugly guy. Probably somewhere in his late fifties to early sixties.
And before I can even do anything he's half hangin out his window, flipping me off, and cursing me out. This angers me extremely.
I circle around the block to try to follow this guy. The traffic is so thick though that I can only get a couple blocks behind him before he turned and lost me. I'm not sure what I would've done had I caught him, seeing as I am not much of a fighter. It didn't help that this guy was older than dirt. But boy was I angry. My biggest pet-peeve is stupid people who can't drive. And you could tell this guy was stupid by his actions, and the car he was driving. What is the deal with the ugly-ass plastic that Chevrolet puts on those Avalanches.
And I know you are all amazed by my drawing abilities and if you would like me to draw you something crappy, send me an e-mail. My specialty is Ligers. Their bred for their magical powers and super jumping abilities.

quick post

I love you smoot. Don't be mad. Prove me wrong and post something before Thursday...

and good crossover article on phatphree about Tucker
http://thephatphree.com/features.asp?SectionID=1

demoted

Watched the Oscars, and realized I have missed a lot of movies in the last couple years. Gay cowboys? (probably good but haven't seen it.) A rap song winning an Oscar? (sorry but I can appreciate all music, and did not like that song, and will not see that movie, although it was cool how excited they were to win, even if they couldn't avoid getting Bleeped at least once) Everyone using Clooney to make their speech funnier? (even George didn't get it) and why don't they have more movie category awards instead of best photo editing and shit the people watching on TV don't care about?

I had some funny shit to say on here about friday at Nates, and golfing Saturday with Willie and Mike, but beer makes you forget shit. And since I don't have a voice recorder, you'll just have to take my word for it. I'm sure we said something about sticking our balls in the mashed potatoes, but all the other funny bits escape me after the weekend.

Smoot and Dicko. You are welcome to come back as posters, but having 4 names as contributors made the top of the page longer, and seing as you do not fucking post anything ever, I moved the actual blog posts up a little on the screen by droping you. So feel free to bitch a little more just so I know you are actually still there, and I will add you back on.

Don't Invite Willie...

Don't invite Erik Williamson anywhere, cause he will bring this guy with him.

my Weekend

First off I would like to warn everybody. What you see in the above picture may look like beer. It is not. Don't be fooled like Erik Williamson was Friday night.
So I spent my Friday hanging out with Erik W., Mike, and the Guttormsens. I went to high school with Mike and haven't seen him in a while so that was nice. They came over and drank some beers and hung out for a while. We watched Dave Chappelle's standup "For what it's worth". (I think that's the title)
After consuming my Red Stripes and Willie's Coronas, we decided we needed some more brews. Willie and I headed out to the always reliable Market Place. Decisions, decisions. We finally settled on some Killians red, some Tecate (w/limes) and Bootie Light. Good choice, good choice, terrible fucking choice. Mike compared the taste of Bootie Light to that of severely watered piss. I'm not sure how Mike knows what piss tastes like but I agreed with him after a taste of the Bootie.
(That's a great ending to a sentence "a taste of the Bootie")
Saturday I wasn't feeling too good. I don't know what it is about getting a little older that makes you a wuss. Seriously, I couldn't have had more than nine beers. It might have been on an empty stomach, as I don't remember eating anything for dinner, but still, nine beers?
So Saturday my neighbor was celebrating his 50th B-Day. Beers and BBQ for all! My buddy Ed decided to come into town and hang out so we headed over to the neighbor's, had a couple brews, ate way more than I should have, and came home to play some X-Box and have a little chat with the coach. Good times. J9 showed up about 9ish and made some of the best munchies evah. I don't remember falling asleep, but J9 woke me up about 1.30 and informed me it was time to come to bed. My couch is pretty damn comfy.
Yesterday I spent doing laundry and mastering the new Blitz: the League on X-Box. I hate doing laundry.