Saturday, July 01, 2006

I'm back

I'm back, and searching through old embarassing pictures of Nate and Todd from middle school and college to post on the internet. Fuck you guys. I wish I had thought of something so funny.

The one true thing out of all that is that I do have a pretty big movie collection. But thanks to a birthday present of a newly released classic on DVD, I finally have an old favorite to add to the collection.

This move was great. Best line: "Hubie Boobie? Don't call me that."

Friday, June 30, 2006

Facts About Gus Vol. 14

What most people don't know about Erik is that he used to be into politics. During his eighth grade year he not only was class president, but also treasurer and secretary.
I remember asking him one day why he was so into it because I thought it was a waste of time. His reply? "It's what Alex P. Keaton would do." I swear that Gus had a major man-crush on that guy. He even started calling himself Erik O. Guttormsen. He was planning a four-year long stranglehold on the class presidency that would last through high school.
During the election for class officials in ninth grade, Erik was called to his Guidance Counselor's office. The story is that one of Erik's interns from his eighth grade campaign had come forward and said that Erik had molested them with a candy cigarette.
Erik transferred schools the next morning, finishing his high school years at Mark Morris. He reached a settlement with his accuser a couple of years later. After the settlement his accuser, Anh Nguyen, moved to California never to be heard of again.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Facts About Gus Vol. 12

Many people don't know this, but for about six months after Erik graduated from WAZZU he competed in a midget-tossing league. It was one of the underground, 'Fight Club' type deals. His team wasn't very good when Erik joined, but he started bringing them back. With two games left to go in the season Erik steps up to the line with his midget (BoPhal Khim) and gave him a hell of a heave. His team was down by thirteen feet, but Erik was averaging fifteen feet eight inches on his tosses. As he released BoPhal into the stratosphere he heard a "pop". Erik's career as a midget tosser was over.

Facts About Gus Vol. 11

In 1993, during the end of his sophomore year of high school, Erik told his English teacher Mr. Ramos that he was a Dikfore. This was the first time this prank has every been pulled. Mr. Ramos responded back "What's a dikfore?" The rest is history.
Here is Mr. Ramos wearing his Dikfore shirt proudly.

Facts About Gus Vol. 9


As anybody who has ever read this blog knows, Erik is a video-game fanatic. He has been ever since I can remember. When I was younger, I remember going over to his house and playing either Atari, Sega, Nintendo, Super Nintendo or the Turbografx 16. Most of you will recognize the first four I mentioned but you're probably scratching your head at the mention of the Turbografx.
This particular system came out at about the same time as the Super Nintendo and the Sega Genesis. For some reason, Erik didn't have a Super Nintendo at the time and he asked for a Turbografx for his B-day. Well not only did he get the system and about 20 games but he also got the brand new Turbografx 16 CD. This bad boy played games off of compact discs! The technology was insane!
I remember going to his house to play his new system, and he was playing this brand new samurai game that was on his Turbografx CD. While the graphics of this game were breathtaking at the time, the controls weren't very good. I recall Erik's character committing hari-kari over and over again cause he couldn't hit the right buttons. That poor samurai killed himself a couple hundred times. To me, this was hilarious.
Well G-Fed kept playing his Turbografx and got really good. I remember his agent (remember the Alf days?) calling him and telling him that Turbografx was in the works with a major Movie Studio to produce a movie about it's system. Erik flew down to California and auditioned for the part.
Well before he heard anything back from the studio, the project was scrapped. They decided to change the story over to Nintendo and it's new 'Power Glove' and Super Mario Bros. 3 game. Instead of giving Erik, a natural video gamer, a shot at the lead role they handed it over to that whiny bitch Fred Savage.
Erik was devastated. He vowed to never watch anything with Fred Savage in it again and still gets angry at the mere mention of him or one of his movies. Just try bringing up the Wonder Years or the Princess Bride. Let me know how that works out for you.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Facts About Gus Vol. 8


After reading a couple of Smooty's posts on Gus, one memory became crystal clear. I now remember where he learned his vicious dance moves. It ties into his love of movies also.
I remember when I first met Erik, he had me come over to hang out at his house after school. I remember riding my Stu Thompson edition Huffy over to house with a backpack full of baseball cards. I knew Gus had a good collection of cards and was hoping to do some trading. I got out of my chores for the day and made it to Erik's house earlier than I originally had thought.
I knocked on the front door and Erik's dad let me in. He told me he was downstairs watching movies. I headed down and found Erik watching a video.
On Betamax.
The video?
The Making of Michael Jackson's Thriller.
Little did I know that Erik was honing his dance moves.
He quickly ejected the tape and turned the TV off, but he was sweating pretty badly. I figured he had just ran home from school, but in all reality he was home working on his moves.
Who knew that without Betamax, the world would never have G-Fed, the white pants or the Pop And Lock. Thank you Betamax.

Facts About Gus Vol. 6


Erik loves hot dogs (referred to as wieners from here on out). Well he used to anyways.
His love affair ended on August 21st, 1998. That was the day he participated in the one and only, Nathan's Hot-Dog Eating Championship.
You see Erik started eating wieners at an early age. And he was good. He could sit down and devour a plate of wieners in a couple of minutes.
He kept on eating wieners all through high school. He was a wiener eating fool. Around the time of graduation he decided he would like to compete on a national level. He wanted to show the world how good of a wiener-eater he was.
After his junior year of college, Erik spent the summer high up in the Rocky Mountains training for the big Nathan's Championship. He was determined to win. He did nothing but drink beer, play Goldeneye on the N64 and eat wieners. He ate more wieners that summer than Kobayashi ever could dream of. This picture was taken as we were driving down off of the mountains at the end of summer. It was his last wiener before the competition. Look at how happy he is. The happiness would soon be gone.
The day of the contest arrived and Erik was easily the favorite to win it all. He advanced through the first couple of rounds and made it all the way to the finals. What would happen next, stunned everybody.
Erik buzz-sawed his way through the last round, decimating his competition. He was a flurry of gluttony. It looked like Erik defeated the rest of the competitors.
Then the judges stepped in. Erik was taken offstage and led to the judges quarters. There it was determined that Erik had cheated. I won't say how or where wieners were found but Erik was eliminated and banned from all future contests. He vowed to only eat wieners for personal joy, not competition.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Facts About Gus Vol. 5

Erik got the taste of the good life at a relatively early age. While Erik was in elementary school, his family went on vacation to the happiest place in California. While at Knott's Berry Farm, Erik was discovered by a major Hollywood talent agent. This agent guaranteed Erik's parents that he could turn Erik into a major television star.
Erik's parents weren't too sure about the idea, but Erik pleaded with them to let him try. They arranged for Erik to stay with his "Uncles" in San Francisco who would take him to auditions and casting calls.
At only his second casting call, Erik hit paydirt. It was for a show that the National Broadcasting Channel (a.k.a. NBC) was producing. Erik landed the lead role of ALF. He had no idea how much his life was about to change.
The first season, Alf was an amazing surprise hit. The network signed Erik to a multi-year contract to make sure and keep the cast together.
Erik was in costume during filming so the general public had no idea who he was. The other actors on the show were getting practically mugged everywhere they went. Alf was the biggest thing to happen to NBC since the television was invented. Not getting noticed pissed Erik off immensely.
That is when the drinking started. Erik hit the bottle and he hit it hard. He started forgetting his lines, passing out on the set and puking into his fur. It was pathetic.
Erik was released two shows into season three. He moved back to Longview and hasn't mentioned anything about his "acting" career since the early 90's. If you run into him, please don't bring it up.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Facts About Gus Vol. 3

Erik O. Guttormsen is a Furby Fanatic. He started collecting in high school and spent his weekends going to Furby-Fests and buying every Furby he could get his hands on. He spent many a lonely night with just the incessant chatter of the Furbies keeping him company. His prized possesion is seen here in his right hand. The "Zebra-furb" as Gus called it was "one day gonna be worth big bucks!" Um, Okay Gus. He has had to hide his love for his Furbie Friends once him and Abby got together. She then sold them on eBay while Erik was in class. She made a whoppin seventeen dollars. Erik cried for days. What a punk ass bee-yatch. But it needed to be done. Thank you Abby. Thank you very much.

Facts About Gus Vol. 1

Since Erik is a dick and went to Mexico for a week, I have decided that Smooty and I should publish little known facts about the creator of NOSE. I will get the ball rolling, but I'm sure Smoot has his share of little known facts about Gus. I mean they did go to college together. And since Erik isn't here to censor our asses, it's free game.

Fact #1 : Erik *LOVES* Kris Kross. He has seen them in concert seventeen times. I know this because he has the ticket stubs laminated and attached to a necklace he puts on when he wants to feel "gangsta". He even still listens to Totally Krossed Out on a daily basis. In fact, he picked me up for wiffle-ball last week and had "I missed the bus" cranking out of his stereo system. It was wiggity, wiggity wack.

Getting Charged

Boy was I dragging ass this morning. When the alarm went off this morning I knew it was going to be a long day. Lucky for me I have Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink! I am so fucking charged up now that I feel like I'm Under Siege. There's a Fire Down Below and it's Hard to Kill but I'm Out for Justice On Deadly Ground and it's most likely gonna leave Exit Wounds on The Patriot. I should probably ask my boss about it though because it seems like an Executive Decision. I forgot where this is heading so I'm just gonna stop now. I'm sorry.