Afroman hits home

(sung to the tune of the Afroman hit)
I was gonna come over last night until I got high,
I was gonna check out your new xbox but then I got high,
Now I'm sitting at home not calling you back, and I know why (why man),
cause I got high, because I got high, because I got high.
la da da da la da da la la da da.

(n8's verse)
I was gonna woop your ass at Madden until I got high,
I was gonna drink all your beer until I got high,
Now Gus is playin solo, and we all know why (why man),
cause I got high, because I got high, because I got high.
doo, doo, doo, doo da doo, doo da di,

Addiction

Hi everybody. My name is n8 b and I'm addicted to myspace.
Seriously.
I thought I would sign up and just kind of surf around checkin out all my friends pages. How wrong I was. By day two I was obsessed with upping the number of my friends, adding music to my page, postin new pics, etc. This thing is very evil.
That being said, if you're on there add me to your friends. If you're not and you want to stay sane, DO NOT sign up. It's worse than crack I tell you (well from what I've heard). But if you're not signed up and have a few hundred hours to waste, by all means sign up and let's be friends. Except for you Nancy Smoot. Go breed your hate elsewhere.
Sorry I haven't been posting. I was gonna blame it on the hustle and bustle of the holidaze, but that would be lying. And that's wrong. Just plain wrong. I promise to post more often.
I *sour patch kid* all of you.

No More Driving, No Kids!!

I survived my first official Christmas as a married man, barely. I have always considered myself a Christmas type of guy. I enjoyed driving through neighborhoods looking at the lights, spending time with family. A regular Clark Griswald. I don't know anymore though and I am not sure if it was just all of the running around this year, the changes in family dynamics or if I am just becoming a grinch....

Running Around...
I know that driving to family events, shopping malls and traffic are all part of the holiday season, but this year, it seemed to really piss me off. I found myself cussing out grandmas who have no business on the road rather than ignoring the idiots and decrepit and listening to Christmas music on that channel that plays non-stop holiday music for a month. I seriously almost knocked a guy out because he was actually blocking the entrance to parking for the whole mall and NO ONE was pulling out of a spot.

Family Dynamics...
Usually, my Christmas Eve is spent with my mom's family and Christmas Day with my dad's family. This year, being married, there were two more families to visit, which not only means more running around, it also mean that you get to hear this..."When are the kids coming?" Oh and don't forget about this, "You better take care of her!" coming from the all of the family members that you have never met because they aren't allowed out of the house except for holidays. The other problem is that now that I am older, my cousins are having kids. Although, the 4 "kids" ranging from 6 months to 4 years old are all very cute, I realize more and more that after 10 minutes, cuteness falls to annoying. Nothing says get me out of here like picking up a kid and discovering that there is now piss on your shirt and pants.

So is it just me? I hope it was just this year and next year I will be my normal "Dicko Claus" self.

what did you get for christmas?

I'm always curious about presents. My Christmas was looking bleak between work stress and present buying stress and funerals, but it turned out okay. I got a new jacket and some simpsons dvds and some books and of course I bought myself a Xbox360. Plus I took Abby shopping and to dinner and a movie at Cinetopia in Vancouver. And Abby took care of a lot of the shopping and I think everyone liked what we got them, which is important too me.

Cinetopia was a little spendy, but the snacks are reasonable and you can take those and pizza or other food into the theatres, plus its really loud, really big screens, big comfy chairs with plenty of leg room, and we went into the restaurant and wine bar, which is really upscale. They serve food in portions to share at $7-$15 and you order a few different ones (or 5 like us, we were hungry) and then get some overpriced (but very good) wine, and get full and drunk before the movie. It was nice. (although I spent over $100, you could easily get away with $30-50 without the wine)

We saw the Lion the Witch and The Wardrobe, the Chronicles of Narnia, and that movie was great. Good for kids although young kids might get scared at the battle scene cause they show some close-ups of some really scary and ugly looking creatures. But there is no blood and no sex and no cussing, so older children should be fine. It's a great story and really good special effects.

christmas is rad

there is no feeling like the one that makes you spend money on stuff for people on
1. stuff they don't want
2. stuff they could buy themselves.

thats why I am a big fan of money, gift cards, and liquor.

Mmmmm.....Trout

From the "what the hell?" file;
A rainbow trout fished out of Holmes Lake in Lincoln, Neb., on Dec. 17, 2005, features a double mouth. Clarence Olberding, 57, of Lincoln, wasn't just telling a fisherman's fib when he called over another angler to look at the two-mouthed trout. It weighed in at about a pound. Olberding, who plans to smoke and eat the fish, said the hook was in the upper mouth, and that the lower one did not appear to be functional.
First question: Why would you fish in a pond near a Nuclear power plant? I am just assuming that it was near a power plant due to the uniqueness of this fish. It kind of reminds me of that three-eyed fish on the Simpsons. I remember coming home from Portland and driving by the old Trojan Nuclear power plant near Rainier and seeing old guys fishing in the little ponds next to the plant. Why? I mean there are so many better places to fish than right next to a power plant.
Second question: Why the hell would you eat this thing? I mean look at the damn thing. It has TWO MOUTHS. That shit is not normal. Well at least the lower one did not appear to be functional so that makes it okay. I would imagine seeing this at Marsh's Free Museum, but if I pulled one out of a lake, I would give up seafood forever. I still might just from looking at that pic. What an ugly fuckin fish. Nuff said.

Fa-La-Lah Baby

I had to post this cause it reminded me of A Christmas Story.
"Deck the Harrs Rif Bows of Ha-Rey, Fa-Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra, Ra-Raaa-Ra-Ra"

I listen to Yahoo's launchcast internet radio (highly recommend it) and I'm listening to 80s songs cause I can't stand the repetative christmas songs coming in over the speakers at work
...long story short,
"My future's so bright, I gotta wear shades" best line in the song, "50 thou a year, will buy a lot of beer..." I think I used to believe this a little in college. Now it's more like "35 thou a year will let me get drunk sometimes, but I'll have to keep drinking bud lite and busch occasionally..." Of course, that doesn't rhyme...shit.

Wow! My abs are sore.

No, not from doing situps, but from puking all night. No, not from booze or food poisoning, but I swear it was from seeing the lucky bullshit cards that people were winning with. I felt like Al Roker after a large pizza last night. I got home from a 12 hour poker marathon yesterday and I just knew something wasnt right. To spare the details, it was violent. It was a good representative of me losing to a guy that went all in with a 7, 2 off suit after the flop and all he had was a pair of twos, while I had a ace through 5 straight. Turn = 7! River = 7!!! Me = Puke.

Most Exciting

If you read "Congratulations on owning the most exciting product on the planet!" on the front of the warranty card and owners manual for the newest thing you just opened, what would you think that thing would be? (becuase it says that on my newest purchase...)

Things that make you say "hmmmm"

If you were feeling over-worked, stressed, under-paid, etc. etc. at your job, and you opened two fortune cookies out of a 500 cookie bag, and they read:

• An exciting new job is about to present itself
• You are capable of building a thriving business venture

what would you think?

No spirit in my home this holiday.

The Seahawk stocking was hung by the chimney with care and the bitter cold outside was brushed away by the smiling faces inside. Our hosts had thought of everything that makes a Christmas party great. A beautifully trimmed tree, friends, presents, a food spread to fill the healthiest of appetites. Not to mention, the festive music playing in the background, Christmas cookies and of course, a Nikki Tyler video, a DVD called Filthy Sluts and a 3 inch penis extension.

So apparently porn is the new "must have" gift of the holiday. Or so it may seem from the gift exchange I went to on Saturday. Now, this post isn't some rant about porn and why it is good/bad for society. People can make up their own minds on that. What I am saying here is, the Christmas spirit hasn't found its way to my house yet. You see, during the gift exchange, I opened a present, and low and behold, it was the 1998 classic film, "Filthy Sluts." Considering, that most of the people(and when I say people, I mean MEN) at the party were married, this gift was never "stolen" from me. Partly because most of them already had received some sort of pornography as a present, but mostly for the fear that their wife would "bobbit" them for openly and deliberately taking porn.

Here's where the "no Christmas spirit" part comes in...I get home and look at my wife and say, "Funny, there was a lot of porn at that party, eh?" She replied "yes" as she looked down at her new pink, stuffed animal, rabbit with an erection and balls. Then I say something that didn't go over well. Something about watching the porn. Who knew, she got rerally upset with me. It was like the grinch and scrooge had taken over her all at once. "What the hell, we're not watching that porn! I'm going to bed!" *SLAM* So as I sat there considering if I could get away with watching the porn in the living room without her knowing, I started thinking about how inconsiderate my wife was. Think of it, someone had spent their hard earned money to buy this porn to GIVE. It would be an injustice if the that money went to waste. There are people in Somalia that can't even afford porn and here we are lucky enough to have people care enough to buy it for us. My friend got to use his penis extension that night (even if it was only to put it into the crock pot with the little smokies and BBQ sauce) How insensitive of her. I mean, what can I expect from her down the road.

Child - "Mommy, mommy, I made this for you at school today!"

Wife - "Thanks child, I love it"

Later that night

Wife - "Did you see that crap your daughter made in class for me today. What a piece a garbage."

Me - "Don't you think we should hang it on the fridge?"

Wife - "Too late, I already burnt it. She's lucky I didn't spank her."

Scary to think about, I know. That is why I must watch this porn with her, it is my duty. Until then, I will continue to get the word out and respect those who have the spirit. Consequently, this Blog is dedicated to all the porn industry - the college students, coke heads and hard working people of Burbank, CA. Merry Christmas and I will continue to fight to bring the Christmas Spirit into my household not for only your sake, but my future children's sake. Oh, and for those people in Somalia too. Afterall, isn't it the thought that counts.

My thoughts exactly

Usually when I find something on someone else's page that is the same as what I was thinking, I write my own version, give them a little credit, and maybe post a link. Well, on Friday, Mulgrew said EXACTLY what I was thinking, so I'll just cut and paste and get on with my life.

"Speaking of famous people being assholes, has there ever been a more condescending commercial than the Destiny’s Child Wal-Mart Christmas commercial? Perhaps “condescending” is not the right word…hypocritical? Anger-inducing? Piss-me-off-ish? (Can someone help me a word here, please?)

In the commercial, Beyonce (‘cause Lord knows I haven’t seen enough of her) and the other two girls in Destiny’s Child are at Beyonce’s house on Christmas morning, exchanging gifts. These gifts include: a giant plasma TV, a laptop, a tricked out digital camera, and other exorbitantly expensive gifts.

Maybe it’s because I grew up poor, but I don’t want to see really rich celebrities exchanging $60,000 worth of gifts on Christmas morning. This doesn’t make your product more appealing to me. Instead, it makes me want to punch these rich fucks in the face.

No surprise that this commercial comes from Wal-Mart. The median income of the average Wal-Mart employee is $22,400. Of course, I just made that number up, but it’s got to be pretty low. But then they show Beyonce and the gang throwing presents around that probably 98% of their employees (and probably 90% of their customers) can’t afford. This angers me so much that I can’t believe more hasn’t been written about it.

So fuck you, Wal-Mart, and fuck you, Destiny’s Child. Take your $6000 59 inch plasma TVs and your $800 digital cameras and shove them up your asses.

And Merry Fucking Christmas.

Welcome, Welcome

Two new sucka foos added to the mix. If you are new to the blog (or even if you are a returning contestent), please keep coming back and posting your comments, because with 4 of us lurking around here, you can be sure there will be something new up here just about every day. And don't forget to surf around some of the old posts, because you are sure to miss something unless you click my blog every day like I do to J. Mulgrew's blog.

and remember
"I pity the fool that don't eat my cereal!"

also, I beat Dicko in the semi's of fantasy football. and with an upset win by the Champ over the 1st place Beat-A-Dicko, I have a chance to take it to the house next week for the big W.

and speaking of big W, congrats to the Husky Volleyball Team. I don't usually root for the Huskies (don't usually as in Never), but they won the whole NCAA tourney. That's right, best team in the nation. I watched the last couple matches and a few earlier this year and last year, and they are fuckin good.

dicko going down in fantasy football?

Everyone here needs to be rooting for Hasslebeck and the Seahawks. Cuase they can get home field advantage, which means 4 or 5 of us around these parts could go to a playoff game for the first time in a long time, maybe even my first ever now that I think about it. Also Matt is my QB against Dicko in fantasy football today. I got screwed by dropping to 2nd in the league, meaning I have to play both on fire teams instead of just one. A win this week and next could mean half my xbox360 paid for...if EB ever gets my fucking system in.. bastards.

Bring on the Colts!

It's about time the Seattle Seahawks start to get some national media attention. I mean we are talking about the best team in the NFC. I tried as hard as I could this year to not get too excited and jinx them (see 1984) but damn this team looks good. I know, I know that this team has looked good in the past only to go on and disappoint later on, queue Matt Hasselbeck "We're gonna take the ball and we're gonna score".
But this team is different. These guys are actually playing as a team and not making mistakes. They are scoring when they should and Shaun Alexander is straight out DOMINATING. And all this without their two leading wide recievers for most of the season. I'm predicting the Super Bowl this year, anything else and I will be disappointed.
GO HAWKS!

Road Rage Against the Machine

I have something to admit. I am a road-rager. I try not to be but I just can't help it. I mean if the speed limit is 35 drive 35. Just two nights ago I followed some dipshit for about two miles in a 35 mph zone and I shit you not he never got over 23. And that's being generous. Most of the time it was closer to 18. WTF?
Well now I have something else to rage about. Our wonderful little town of Longview has decided that the only way to stop the speeders is to put these beautiful "speed humps" on the road. And they don't install them where people speed the most. Anybody that can cover the expenses (roughly $800) can have one installed in their neighborhood by the city. According to an article on tdn.com there are currently about 40 of them in our town. The article also went on to say that people are getting angry about these. Well no shit. Some of them are so big that you have to slow down to 12 mph just so you don't bottom out. The article also says that some people have begun to lay on their horns whenever they go through an area with these. What a great idea! So I encourage everybody in Longview (all three of you who read this) who encounters these mofos to just lay on your horn.
Thanks for listening, I feel much better now.

Grandparents

Recently both Nate and I have lost a grandparent, as well as my friend Angela and at least one other person I know losing a grandparent. Very sad, especially at this time of year. December seems to be a crappy time for the elderly, becuase I haven't had to go to any funerals for a while, and then this month, BAM 2 or 3 of them. Anyways, Miss you Grandpa.

On a lighter note
Man, Garfield is some funny shit, and its been around for ever. I love him, Fox Trot, Get Fuzzy, Dilbert, The Far Side, Calvin & Hobbes, and a few others. I'm such a kid. I think that I could be perfectly happy winning a shopping spree at Toy-R-Us.

edit: And I found a new friend with the next blog button (and also a few on myspace lately, feel free to add me if you are there, Erik Guttormsen) http://stevehappens.blogspot.com/ Very Funny picture and discussion today about why people call pants "pants" when they are clearly one article of clothing and not a pair. hmmmm.

Sorry boys, the Bakery is closed

This just in off of ABC News webpage year in review:
How about the Idaho high school boy who fed a batch of semen-frosted brownies to a fellow student and his friends? It seems the teenager was more than a bit ticked when his classmate put peanut butter in his cheese sandwich days before. As a police report said, the prankster, who has since agreed to admit to three counts of disturbing the peace, "hated peanut butter and it made him more mad than he could explain."
Seriously, how much would you have to hate peanut butter to give somebody a jizz frosted brownie? I am suprised this guy is still alive. If somebody would've fed me some "special" brownies (and not in the good way) I would fucking kill them. Twice.

the Kid and the Toy Train (a Christmas Story)

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

New Team Member

Just like Wal-Mart, we have team members.
Welcome Nate Bullcock.

as for me, I finally did some dreaded christmas shopping. Before that I had a chamber of commerce after hours christmas party. So at that and afterwords I had to drink some beers and I had to go to sleep right when I finally got home, so all in all not a horrible night. no dishes, no volleyball phone calls (I coach), no thinking about work, in a word, nice.

That's what I'M talking about

http://www.cinetopiatheaters.com/wine_bar/enomatic.htm
a movie theater with restaurant, wine bar, loung chairs, etc. with the emphasis on the wine bar you can swipe your card for a fresh taste or glass of wine. I know where I want a gift card to for Christmas...

dick jokes

4 days til Howard Stern is off the air. That sucks, because I listen to him for a few minutes every morning, and almost every morning the show is funny. Today, a particularly funny line when talking with one of the Senators who supports him against the FCC.
"Howard, you can be a defender of those who can't defend themselves when you move."
"Well, I don't know about that. I'll probably just do a lot of dick jokes."
Classic. I love it.

and in case you are wondering, the EB games informed Bophal (also has a 360 on preorder) that they MIGHT get them on the 18th. Oh yeah? Well I MIGHT take a big shit in your store. Right after I return the accessories I bought over a month ago because the lying bitch told me that I wouldn't get one one opening night, but probably tuesday. And I bought two games off Ebay, and I would have to return those without receipts dammit. I may just have to stick with what I've got and tell microsoft to go fuck themselves. Maybe start using Navigator instead of Internet Explorer and Linux instead of Windows. Fuckin bill gates.

and i probably should include a dick joke.
My dick is so big that it has its own dick. and its dick is bigger than your dick.
My dick is so big, its behind you.

(stole these from Drew Carey's book, check it out cause it's damn funny.)

great cartoon

http://www.illwillpress.com/xmas.html (parental advisory, he says fuck and shit)
If you are tired of people in general bitching in the public eye for reason or another, then you will appreciate this cartoon of a neurotic squirel bitching about people that try to ruin Christmas becuase it has "religious overtones." My favorite line is "Tis the season to stop being a whiney bitch and shut the fuck up!"(about the neo-yuppie scumbags)
and
"That's why I like Santa. He's a fat bastard, he's happy, he works one day a year, and he gets to eat all the cookies he wants. He rewards the good, and punishes the bad, kinda like a vigilante."

on a side note, my local EB Games says they are supposed to have their second shipment of Xbox 360s in, which means I am supposed to get the one I pre-ordered today. I hope they don't let me down again.

football and david cross

Anyone think that commercial with Payton Manning getting autographs and aprons from normal people and treating them all like football players? I am undecided it It's kind of a "mad at myself for likeing it" kind of feeling.

I also got directed to The Bob and David site, which I forgot about since the last time I watched Mr. Show. David Cross has this long ass letter rippin on Larry the Cable Guy, because Larry ripped on him and is pretty ignorant. Anytime commedians write long-winded letters ripping on people, I want to read them.

proud of who you are

the next blog button strikes again, this time with a blog by someone who is funny, and proud to be who she is. Kind of cool considering most people put on fake displays most of the time.
http://carolyncastiglia.blogspot.com/ *A place for my thoughts to resonate in the sound bank of the world, rocking the comic flow of life until a new era of peace appears and fat girls are fashionable again.* Copyright 2004, 2005 - which is amazing, since I was copying wrong 'til 2003.

other than that, I've been busy, so the first thing to suffer is the website, blog, myspace, emails, etc. Basically the devil computer and all its time-wasting-goodness. But we got a tree yesterday, and some garland, so it probably smells good at home. Maybe If I can find a few hours to actually be home, I will find out. And I get to go watch the Blazers lose again tonight, since we have season tickets. And Christmas parties start this weekend for most people, if you haven't already been to one. Man I love drinking and eating. Unfortunately while I am really excited for getting presents, eating, drinking, seeing friends, partying, drinking, decorating, etc., I have absolutely no desire to go out present shopping. How about everyone just buy them self something and stick my name on it, and I'll buy myself something and stick all your names on it? Sounds good? Great? I'll be at home with the new drink I made up last night.

A frosty white russian:
1 shot Carmel liquor, 1 shot Peppermint Schnapps (preferably Ice 101 or Rumpleminz), 2 shots Kahlua, all poured over ice and milk or cream added to fill glass. Shit its good.

2 good quotes

Peter Jackson Talks Halo
Oscar-winner Peter Jackson has just wrapped up King Kong, but he's turning his eye to the Halo movie, of which he is executive producer. "Hopefully it won't suck," Jackson said.
(that's what I like to hear. Honesty in my movie-makers)

NFL Football
"Houston continues their bid to draft Reggie Bush next year with another loss this week."

also I would like to say a big Fuck You to the Philidelphia Eagles and their horrible offense. Thanks to them I lost my fantasy football week which would have guaranteed me first place becuase they took out Hasselbeck and Westbrook after the game was 42-0 at half time. I only needed like 30 yards of offense, and they pull two of my starters. Fuck. Plus it made the game really boring, although I am glad that Seattle won, and happy for the Seahawks defense, because Seattle is gaining respect for the first time since S. Largent.

Wear the fox hat

I got emailed a funny joke, and thought I would make it more applicable to my own life.

When people come to visit me in Longview, and they are discussing it with their friends unfamiliar to the area, their friends often suggest to them, "Wear the fox hat."

christmas light snobs

I came up with a new phrase on saturday night. Christmas light snobs are people (like me) who can't help but cringe at the tasteless christmas decoration addicts who put every single light they own on the front of their house in an attempt to outspend their neighbors in the electrical bill category of this years tacky fucker awards.

They cover the bushes, the trees, around the windows, the roof line, the icecicle lights, the front path and sidewalk, around the yard, the chimney, and of course the nativity scene and iron reindeer.

They use the colored lights, the white lights, the multi-colored lights, stars, rope lights, pictures of santa, pictures of snowman, and of course, the newest sign of the apocolypse, those fucking inflatable santas, snowman, reindeers, snowglobes, grinch and his dog, and other crap like the Coca-Cola polar bears.

Maybe it's just me (although I know its not), but what ever happened to outlining the roofline of your house and adding a simple star or possibly one or two simple lawn decorations? How about a 10 strand of light maximum or something? How about it being legal to shoot those inflatable animals with a bee-bee gun? The first hint that you need help is if it is brighter outside your house at night than it is during the day. And if you mix multi-colored with single colors and white, or use more than one color and white, then you have tacky lights. Just thought you should know. Try white with blue, or white with red, or red with green, or multi-color only for example. Until you sled so fast that you burn through the bottom of your sled, or have your grandpa burn down the tree with his stogie after grandma makes catfood and pineapple green jello, try and not blind the rest of us with your lights. Clark W. Grizwald, you are not.

You know you're gettin old when...

You know you're gettin old when the gifts at your work gift exchange (candles, christmas decorations, etc.) start to look like good gifts.

on another work related note, a little dilbert-esq mumbo-jumbo in the bank today...

Mission Statement: The mission of our bank is to offer traditional and innovative products, and to deliver unparalleled personalized services to our customers.

Not bad, but it sucks to realize that while I am giving new meaning to the phrase "too busy," others have time to come up with this cookie cutter corporate bullshit. Of course I'm on blogger for 2 minutes, but thats only because it was a nicer option than going postal...

dilbert

This picture rocks. I love dilbert. also, you should check the dilbert blog today (12-1). Very funny story about Scott Adams' brother getting out of eating his peas. His brother made a good point. Parents tell you what to do and justify it with tire cliches. If the kids are smart, its pretty easy to turn it around on the parents. Then they can fall back on the "because I own you" reason for the kid to do what they say.

and Im too busy to click the next blog button. but I really want to and probably will at least once as soon as I post this. also, I wish I was home not working.

Holiday drinking

yeah, 2 posts in one day. That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it...

So, I used the webtender to make sure I wasn't fucking these up, but I thought I would share some drinking plans with you that I am making for this month.

Adios Motherfucker (A.M.F.)
Ingredients: Vodka, Rum, Tequila, Gin, Blue Curacao, Sour mix, 7-Up
Mixing instructions: Pour shot of all ingredients into a chilled glass filled with ice cubes. Top with 7-Up and stir gently. NOTE: I have had this drink without the Sour and with less 7-up. Keep in mind that this requires more of the liquor to fill the glass, so… just like a Long-Island Iced Tea with less mixer, it will knock you out quicker than the original.

Yoda (heard about this from a co-worker/bartender. can't wait to try it)
Ingredients: Blue Curacao, Sour mix, Midori melon liqueur, Sour Apple Pucker, Vodka
Mixing instructions: Mix a shot of Sour Mix and Blue Curacao. Once those are mixed into a nice green color, add a shot of Midori and then 2 shots of Pucker. Finally add a splash of Vodka, then pour over ice. NOTE: Like Yoda, this drink is green and powerful. If you want a slightly less powerful Yoda, you can leave the Vodka out. If you want a more powerful drink, obviously add more Vodka. This drink is very sour, so feel free again to leave out the Sour Mix, which will make it stronger just like the AMF, because you will need more alcohol to fill the glass.

Creamsicle
Ingredients: Vanilla Liqueur, Orange Juice, Milk
Mixing instructions: Mix 2 shots Vanilla and Milk and 4 shots O.J and pour over ice. NOTE: Stronger versions include a little Vodka (try Vanilla Vodka to save money)

White Russian:
Ingredients: Kahlua, Light Cream, Vodka
Mixing instructions: 2 shots Vodka, 1 shot Kahlua, fill glass with Cream (or Milk) NOTE: I never make this drink like this. I always use Irish Cream and Milk, and generally use another flavor like vanilla, raspberry, caramel, peppermint, or just about any type of flavored schnapps or vodka. The important parts are the Kahlua, Milk, and Vodka for a kick. Then add flavors. My current favorites are the Caramel, Irish Cream, Milk, Kahlua and the Rasberry Vodka, Kahlua, Irish Cream, Milk versions.

In case you don’t feel the need to have all these alcohols around, you can also just get rum and coke, but remember, it’s the holidays, get the Spiced Rum (AYE CAPTAIN!) And don’t forget the peppermint schnapps and hot cocoa. If you aren’t driving and have the means, spring for the Rumple Minze. It’s about $20, but around this time of year it comes with some Christmas glass or mug, it’s at least 100 proof, and it is without a doubt the best peppermint alcohol out there. It rated a 95 out of 100 on the wine site I found the picture on. You can drink it straight as opposed to the cheap shit that has to be drowned in mixer. Plus while searching for a picture, I found this:
3 Strikes, You're Out recipe
1 oz Rumple Minze® peppermint liqueur
1 oz Goldschlager® cinnamon schnapps
1 oz Jagermeister® liqueur
Pour each liquor into a seperate shot glass. Take down each shot in quick succession. There are tons of different names (3 wise men, blitzkrieg, etc.) but they all want you to drink the 3 really good expensive liquors really fast. They can’t all be wrong can they?

next blog, funny pics, and trivia

the magic of the next blog button strikes again, but this time in the form of a random person on my blog instead of vice-versa (how come no one says versa-vice, and how come its not spelled vice-ah cause that's how it sounds...oh wait, saying it backwords makes it vice and not vice-ah. thats probably why the vice-versa order. it sounds better).

Anyways, stephanie found my blog, which is fun, cause hers led me to Curts blog. His post today is funny, and the last couple are good too. and its got pictures. which reminds me that I want to put more pictures on here, cause reading is always better with pictures. especially if you are in sex-ed. (but not the part of class about disease or the saxaphone penis, those pics are just fucking wrong)

so here are a few good ones. with a bunch more adult ones at signs

Also, Trivia. "At the end of the Charlie Brown Christmas Special, what song is sung by the Peanuts gang?"

damn, hopelessly addicted. http://thehoofer.blogspot.com/ a new site (acutally new today) which normally would have me skipping right by, but this one makes me want to check back to see what ends up on here.

and abby was looking for some PE Ideas, so she had me send her one from this site. http://www.pecentral.org/ Talk about ice breakers, use the little kid games at your next party...

dip

Slammin Artichoke Dip

2 cans of Artichokes (packed in water) Chopped
1 block of cream cheese softened
1 cup of mayonnaise
1 cup of Parmesan cheese
1 small can of green chilies

make sure the cream cheese and mayo are incorporated well before you add the rest.
mix all together, put into oven-safe dish and bake at 350 til bubbling.serve with tortilla scoop chips

found this on another blogger's site. wish I could give the link, but I am dumb and backed up on my browser then started a new post to cut and paste, and now I can't get back to her site. whoops.

also, How do you know the Holidays are here?
When it seems like no one at work is working except you. (and everyone has time off but you.)

If you notice, no one at the front counter, both bosses' offices empty. What you can't see is the next office also empty, and the other office has 3 ladies chattin about the outfits that just arrived mail-order. And me with work on my desk...Fuck that, whats on blogger?

oh yeah, just clicked the next blog button again. Apparantely there are more porn sites on blogger. and not all foreign sites are bad I guess... http://quasetodossexo.blogspot.com/

fun at work

Ever have a day where you have way too much to do... and you either:

A. freak out all day, don't feel like you get anything accomplished, and balance not caring and killing someone at the end of the day... all with the apptitude of a large circus chimp?
or
B. amazingly fit 12 hours worth of phone calls, paperwork, loan write-ups, copying, skipping lunch, going to the doctor, closing deals, advancing construction funds, and still put something random on your blog into 9 hours, becuase you are actually having a good day?

Today I am picking the 2nd one, cause because joking about an asian lady's accent (You Wok, instead of You Rock) with her and your other co-workers, and then singing to yourself "...Between a Wok, and a Hard Prace," becuase it's so funny for no reason. Also because although we have a staff meeting tonight, we are getting pizza for free. And I fucking love pizza. Even if we have to watch insanely stupid training videos made 2 years ago, but with actors from 1985. and their awesome haircuts and clothes.

Also, I clicked next blog a few times today, and earlier today actually found nothing good. Crazy, but just a bit ago, did find a few good blogs, and this one http://dudemanphat.blogspot.com/ which I thought was well put together. Man there a lot of foreign sites on blogger. If I haven't mentioned it before. Which I have. So the previous sentence is stupid. Screw you for judging me. And Check out Mulgrew's and Gina's sites in my blog list the last couple days. Pretty funny and thought-provoking.

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays. And if you are in to hot chocolate, I have half a bottle of Ice 101 to liven up that second or third cup. :)

damn

So I got on here to mention the fact that my 10-year reunion is tonight. I am gonna get talked into speaking a little in front of people, which I am not a fan of, but will do if given beer. I was going to talk about this, but instead clicked on the next blog button again. Of course a few foreign sites again, which I just click past since I can't read them, then a site about a bloggers quest to quit smoking, then a couple family pages with cute baby pictures and cake smeared on their face, but then I found something interesting. (also I have to mention, any site with funny movie references, especially any girls site that says "these are not the droids you are looking for" has to get a mention on my page http://noricum.blogspot.com/)

Did you know there is no controls over what you place on blogger? I found a site below that is porn. not just some boobies, but fake stories about fucking and all kinds of graphic pictures. For some, this will interest you, for others please don't click the link, just take my word for it that you can put absolutely anything you want on blogger. and I didn't know that, and now I do, and knowing is half the battle (GI Joe tought me that).

As for non-illegal type stuff... I got way too drunk wednesday thanks to the help of the in-town-for-one-night friend Garrett and sister Heather. Nothing like eating a big ol Muchos Gracias breakfast burrito after 6 solid hours of drinking, only to violently introduce it to my porcelin friend in the bathroom the next morning. On the plus side, I had more room in my stomach for triple helpings of Thanksgiving dinner. I love me some mashed potatoes. damn skippy.

And today is the big shopping day. I am working, so just so I wouldn't feel left out, I bought a game for my xbox 360 that still hasn't arrived yet. Another call to the game store informed me (at least they answered the phone this time) that they still haven't gotten a second shipment in yet. That sucks and is good all in one. Because the value on ebay is going down, so my chance to make a weeks salary in one day is slipping away, but the likelihood that I will open and keep this $400 piece of electronic goodliness is getting, uhh, more likely. After tax and extras and a few games, I will only be out about $600, but the rest of you didn't really want christmas presents this year did you?

and for those of you that are perverts like me, or want to complain to blogger and need the link, click at your own risk, 18 and over only don't say I didn' warn you.

addicted. seriously.

I can't stop clicking on the "next blog" button at the top of the page every time I get on here. I'm just gonna post what I find in the first couple clicks this time, since I don't have time to search for a good one.
http://heatshotspot.blogspot.com/ kinda funny blog by a lesbian, i think.
http://fusmmauricioflorez.blogspot.com/ I see a lot of foreign blogs on here, and usually pass them by because I can't read them, but this one has a giant drawing of reproductive organs at the top, so it struck me as funny. even though I think its about someone's pregnancy.

and these sites are brought to you by a new blog http://www.elrondofdorthonian.blogspot.com/ Alex's blog.

Sorry I don't have more. Gotta go. And contrary to Nate's belief's, the fag soup is a funny story, but not a funny insult if you don't know the story...

Mama Say Mama Saw Mamakusaw

Couldn't think of a catchy blog title, then it hit me. Why not a line from a song off of "Thriller." Everyone loves Micheal Jackson from back in the day right?

Anyways, this post will be equally un-interesting. I found a few more sites. http://tedreviews.blogspot.com/ is Ted somebody reviewing books and movies and such. Pretty good, and added to my list on the left. Also, an accountant I know has a website, conviently on blogger, with Tax Advice, so I added that to the side list too. http://www.futcher-henry.com/ Also, we had the first day of tryouts for Cowlitz Volleyball, which Abby and I coach for (14-blue) and there were over 80 girls in the 14 division. With only 4 teams (12 max each) that's a lot of people that won't make it. Even if we find a way to add another team. Cutting players is the worst part of tryouts.

This weekend looks like fun though, at least until Sunday and the 2nd day of tryouts. Dodgeball friday after a day of class instead of work. Then apple cup watching the Cougs beat the huskies on saturday, followed hopefully by the new Harry Potter flick. http://harrypotter.warnerbros.com/gobletoffire/

So other than waking up early on a Sunday, which I hate to do, to coach and help with tryouts for 6-12 hours, this weekend should be fun. of course thats hoping I don't through my arm out in our last dodgeball match...

harry potter

...guess who is voldemort?
Ralph Fiennes
http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hc&id=1800019488&cf=gen
http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1808475610/hmg
Cast additions:
Miranda Richardson as reporter Rita Skeeter, Brendan Gleeson as Mad-Eye Moody, and Ralph Fiennes as You-Know-Who.

Due to the length of the book (734 pages), it was thought the story would have to be broken into two separate movies. But director Mike Newell (the first English director of the series) felt that by cutting extraneous story points - including Hermione's efforts to liberate the house-elves - they could fit it into one 2 1/2 hour film.

After dodge-ball, I'm totally going to a kids movie at 10:30. Hope I'm not too drunk to stay awake, cause dodge-ball is a drinking sport.

also, I continued my quest to find other good blogs. Found a tech blog with some good info about computers, including some links to download free software to fix you computer. http://techinacan.blogspot.com/2005/08/free-downloads-ad-aware-this-is-great.html

longview

move to longview. http://www.leaguelineup.com/welcome.asp?url=longview-kelso as you can see there is plenty to do. I am hoping they start kick-ball here like seattle cause after dominating (kind of) in dodgeball, we are set to rule another kids sport... if they will just start a league.

and I like beer. and I like the show Lost and Invasion, although I told Abby not to get me addicted to them and she did anyways. It's a good thing she doesn't smoke pot, cause learning to love Wine, TV, and sleeping in have ended up being such nice habits I'm sure I would follow her right down that road too. I wonder if she could also get me addicted to coffee. I better not chance it...I wouldn't want to be alert all day at work. that would suck.

also, COUGS WIN! We won the space needle contest and Abby even saw the coug flag flying on the space needle on her way back from RA Long losing at State (that sucks) and said it looked awesome. I still don't want to go to the apple cup, but I will watch it on TV at least and hopefully get a chance to talk shit to some Huskies here in town.

also, also, found a girl's blog using the next blog button at the top of the page that had three good things. One was a list of 50 things admissions never told you about college. 50-things-admissions-never-told-you.html Its pretty good. The second and third things are links, that speak for themselves...collegehumor.com and dontspitswallow.com

then I also found another blog after that of a pro poker player. crazy stuff out there on the net. http://specialksplace.blogspot.com/

Xbox 360

Anyone that feels like entering multiple times for a contest to go to a 3 day launch party for the Xbox 360, here you go. http://www.microsoft.com/xbox/zerohour.htm If you are not big on video games and really want to impress me by winning and then giving me the tickets, that is okay too. Plus its in the desert, and you have to get there yourself, so I'm thinking road trip.

Rising Rates and Jason

Hope you bought a house while the rates were low...Cause rates are rising on mortgages. And rates on commercial short term money are still rising if your business loan is based on Prime. (its up from 4% to 7% since July of 03) And CD rates keep going up which pinches the margins for Banks to make money. While regular savings rates stay at the measily 1% they have been at since all the other rates went so low. So if you don't have money in a house and CDs or some other high yield investment, talk to Gina, maybe she can find you something...

Another Fed Move Anticipated
Long-term rates have increased more than one-half percent since Labor Day, but the big hit could come as the Federal Reserve attempts to offset inflation pressure with a slowing economy. The 30-year mortgage rate is approaching 6.5 percent, and housing markets historically begin to cool when mortgage rates rise by 2.5 percent.
So far, mortgage rates have risen 1.25 percent since this cycle's low, but a jump to 7.75 percent may not be a sign of a slowdown due to the availability of adjustable-rate mortgages and other innovative products.
Source: Fed Poised to Put Brakes on Economy Inman News Features (11/07/05) ; Barnes, Lou

Mortgage Slowdown Predicted
The Mortgage Bankers Association forecasts an 18 percent decline in originations in 2006 from estimated volume of $2.78 trillion this year. The group expects the 30-year mortgage rate to reach 6.65 percent by fall 2006, which likely will stifle purchase and refinance activity.
Source: As Interest Rates Rise, Lenders Look at Riskier Business Tacoma News Tribune (WA) (11/03/05) ; Rozens, Aleksandrs

This has been my public service portion of my blog.

next post I'll be back to jokes and comments about pooping and boobies. For now, here is an excerpt from Jason Mulgrew's current blog post about Dating, which if I haven't convinced you to read yet, should convince you that he is funnier than me. Which makes him one of my friends even if we have never met...
Also, making love, if it has already not happened, becomes a realistic goal. And considering my personal circumstances, there is absolutely no way I should have written this. But, I am high. So let’s just move on…

Cowboy Chili

Cowboy Chili
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

(this was so horrible, yet so funny I had to repost it from an email I received from Gary.)
and please check out previous posts. I need more comments about the subjects I talk about, or what you think I should talk about, or what you think is stupid that I post, etc.

also, another link you probably didn't know existed...http://www.genesimmons.com/

Go Cougs

http://www.spaceneedle.com/
Cougars have won every day of the contest so far, check out the standings page.
GO COUGS! FUW!

Also, the Huskies lost again this weekend (i know, so did the cougs). Man NW teams are disapointing. I'm sure if its better to be a Husky and not have a chance, or be the cougs and lose by 3 after taking back a field goal in order to try to score a touchdown, then getting stopped, then missing a field goal after getting sacked on the next set of downs, and then not scoring on the last try either.

I like this quote though (with my own little additions):
"It gets worse every week." (being a Husky)
"It's just bad." (being a Husky)
-Washington season-long starting quarterback Isaiah Stanback, whom coach Tryone Willingham replaced with sophomore transfer Johnny DuRocker to begin the second half.

more movies

Or at least more movie... I watched clerks again this weekend because talk of Clerks 2: The Passion of the Clerks coming out next year had me in need of watching people belittle the customers. Man this movie rocks.
http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hv&cf=info&id=1800226270
And the next one should be just as good.
http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hv&cf=info&id=1808730008

Reasons I love Amazon.com: Good Prices, and trivia and quotes from my favorite movies. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/fun-facts/B00000IQC8/ref=imdbdppd_ql_0/102-9356058-0898531?%5Fencoding=UTF8
These are a few of my favorites.

• When Dante asks Randal whether he's ever thought about the fact that all prices always end in .99, most items behind them have a price that end in .95.
• The offended customer in the "jizz mopper" scene is buying paper towels and glass cleaner.
• Randall and the Happy Scrappy Hero Pup lady are not actually in the room at the same time. Jeff Anderson refused to read the list of porno movies in front of her, and particularly in front of the child.
• The VHS cassette of this film is the most stolen video tape in video stores across the USA
• Filmed at the same store in which director Kevin Smith was working at the time. As he was only allowed to film outside of business hours, the plot included an explanation for the shutters being always down.
• Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier edited the movie in the video store next to the convenience store.
• Clerks came out before Mallrats, but actually takes place the day after Mallrats.

and one of the best quotes:

• Randal: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
• Customer: I beg your pardon?
• Randal: Your ruse; your cunning attempt to trick me.
• Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!
• Randal: And, I hope it feels good.
• Customer: You hope WHAT feels good?
• Randal: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

Clutter and Email and Musak

As I ponder why my to-do list at work is never ending, why my to-do list at home is too long to even write down, why my answer to any question about internet usage is usually 20+ hours, and why I have no room for stuff in an1800 sq ft house with only two people living in it, I thought I would leave you with some more interesting links and randomness like I did in my last post:
...short article on boycotting email (or at least using it way less)http://www.forbes.com/2005/10/19/lightman-technology-email-comm05-cx_mh_1024lightman.html
...short article on the evils of email
http://www.forbes.com/2005/10/19/goodall-jane-email-chimpanzee-comm05-cx_de_1024goodallemail.html
...and because I went to forbes.com to see what the current articles are, I found something for you I-Pod users
http://www.forbes.com/home/technology/2005/11/03/ipod-porn-digital-cx_pk_1104iporn.html
...and back to the discussion at hand, or at least the thought that prompted this post, clutter (aka: stuff, crap, shit, etc.).
http://www.tdn.com/articles/2005/10/25/this_day/news01.txt
This article has some really good points, and makes me think about moving, just so I could go through all my crap and have a huge garage sale before I moved. My biggest problem is that I am convinced everything I own is worth something, and I can't just get rid of it, but I don't have time to sell it. Anyone want to go shopping at Casa de Erik? It also had some good links in the print version, but they don't appear to show up online, so here you go:
www.clutterersanonymous.net
www.messies.com
http://organizedhome.com/
www.mindoverclutter.com

The quote that describes my habbits: "People hold onto stuff like their kids' old clothing as a way of holding onto the past. Or they keep things they think they might need someday as a way to control the future." -PeterWalsh, psychologist and organizational consultant

Basically I don't need most of the crap around my house, but am too stubborn to get rid of it.

The National Study Group on Chronic Disorganization, an association ofprofessional organizers, has established a household clutter assessment scale. http://www.nsgcd.org/ and http://www.nsgcd.org/pdfs/fs006.pdf Are you a level 2 or a level 5?

Also, Musak played I Love That Old Time Rock And Roll on Friday. It made methink about my wedding, and for those of you out there that have gottenmarried, what songs did you tell the DJ or Band that they had to play,besides the first dance song or other required tunes?

one more, sent in by Todd http://www.moviewavs.com/TV_Shows/Simpsons.shtml

Movies

"I know, it's hard to imagine a magical-talking-airplane movie letting you down, but there you go." -Eric Snider, efilmcritic.com, about the movie Stealth.
From www.minerwerks.com/mess.html Critical Mess
(taking 100% realmovie quotes and using them to make very funny movie posters.)
featured on http://www.moviepoopshoot.com/ (from Kevin Smith's View Askew site)
Damn, that's 2 more sites for you, plus view askew and movie poop shoot have tons of links just by themselves. I expect people to read a lot of shit I find. Finding great sites on the internet could be a fulltime job that Smoot and I would be good at, and would enjoy.

Or my new favorite as I read a few
"Mr. Schneider, You're movie sucks!" Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun Times, about
the movie Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
http://www.moviepoopshoot.com/mess/31.html

upcoming movies:
http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hv&cf=info&id=1808475610
harry potter goblet of fire
I'm a Harry Potter geek, which I read doesn't make you attractive to the opposite sex, but I don't care, because I don't need to care.
So I will watch kids movies and read kids books, and go see this on opening day.
also, Office Space (Special Edition) is on dvd now, including how Swingline Staplers now sell red staplers and they are their number one seller, all because ofthe movie. http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/officespacedvd.html
I'm also excited about this;
http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hv&cf=info&id=1808556813
Pirates of the Carribean 2
also Tripping the Rift season one is on dvd, link already on the site.

Try to follow me on this one

- Busy Busy Busy with many random thoughts floating through my head. The most recent, that Abby just got offered a job. SHIT YEAH! It's only half-time, but it gets her in the system so The Man can't keep her down any more. Call her and congratulate her if you know her number.

- http://www.angelfire.com/ma/justliving (my website) has been updated, well at least a little bit. This includes a dorky temp/clock for Longview, and some new links.
(and no, I still haven't gotten the other wedding pictures up on my site. I am lazy and I procrastinate. And although I apologize for it, I am not sorry enough to change my ways.)

- http://www.tvguide.com/News/Insider/?cmsGuid={AE026F8A-1D75-4F5D-B4E9-55C1E6579C99} http://blogs.nbc.com/office/ These two are blogs by people on the show The Office, which follows Earl and I have mentioned before I think.

- My Name is Earl is still very funny, and between that and The Office, I actually plan to watch TV tuesdays if I can remember. I told myself I didn't want to be that guy who plans life around a show, but that was before I set my phone to remind me it was 9:00 last Tuesday, and now Abby has me watching Lost and Invasion on Wednesdays, I plan to watch Cougar Football on Saturdays, and I plan to watch the Hawks on Sundays. So between that, weddings all summer (including one more this Saturday), being busy with work for 5- 6 months straight, after-work hobnobbing at Chamber of Commerce and Lions Club funcitons, and club volleyball coming up, I pretty much get nothing done now. (In fact, I typed most of this last night, and just added the below stuff in a quick couple minutes...)

- I may have mentioned before, that now we have MUSAK (elevator music for offices) at the bank now, and how 5 in 100 songs are actually songs I enjoy, and another 15-20 songs are ones I make fun of, and the rest are just horrible. Well...right now Pump Up the Jam by C&C Music Factory is playing...in a bank...at 9:15 in the morning. And my boss doesn't understand why I like Dilbert. Man looking on the positive side of things and having inside jokes just makes my warm inside. Kind of like Liquor.

- Dodgeball tonight. We are gonna smoke them, and I plan to wear wristbands that are red,white, and blue. Partly because thats the only ones I have, and partly because I watched Best of the Best last night. Did anyone remember that Amahd Rashad (ESPN) was the announcer in that movie? Man he was young then. And that movie is so horrible, but still brings a tear to my eye when the Koren fighter says "To save a life in defeat, is to earn victory and honor" or some shit like that. So touching. Eric Roberts and Chris Penn are very good actors...(that's sarcasm Nate in case you don't get it...)

http://www.clerks2.com/ I plan to check out more about The Passion Of The Clerks (Clerks 2) which is in production. Man I can't wait for this movie.

Busy couple days...Go Cougs

Busy couple days...First off, Cougs need to go make a donation to hurricane relief, if you are so inclined, because it will also help the cougs get the space needle painted crimson & gray for apple cup http://www.spaceneedle.com/(The cougs play Arizona St. this weekend, so maybe we will finally win...)

other busy type things. Abby's C-squad team is done for the year, but now she is one of the assistant coaches for the varsity team, who is headed to Tumwater to try and win districts and a spot at state for the first time in 8-10 years. If you happen to read the sports section tomorrow, look for R.A. Long to see how they did.

The Blazers opened the season with a loss. Their first home game is saturday, which I hope to go to, but with Abby at Districts that day, and another wedding here in town that day, I am not sure what the weekend holds for me yet. Probably drinking somewhere.

I bought a 2005 Ford Escape. Anyone in the market for a 2000 VW Jetta VR6, or a 2000 V6 Explorer? Cause Abby wants a new car also and we need to sell both our rigs.

And dodgeball again this Friday, with all the teams in the league splitting their matches last week, Team McNeely hopes to break the 4-way tie with back to back wins this friday.

Found an Old Email

Anyone find an old email or joke and re-read it and find it still funny?

Top 15 Star Wars Euphemisms for Masturbation

1. Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon
2. Grooming the Wookie
3. Making the Kessel Run
4. Polishing Vader's Helmet
5. Evacuating Tatooine
6. Unsheathing the Meatsaber
7. Releasing the Special Edition
8. Jumping to Delight Speed
9. Communicating with Red Leader One
10. Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo
11. Tinkering with the R2 Unit
12. Manually Targeting the Rebel Base
13. Performing the Jedi Hand Trick
14. Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears
15. Test Firing the Death Star

I would say 14, 12, 6, 3, and 1 are the funniest. I would post something more original, or maybe a funny original comment, but I have to go consume halloween cookies and candy and not get any work done. Happy Halloween.

okay, one original one...Using the Force on Obi-One-Eye-Kenobi

okay one more, but not star wars related...Shaking Hands with the Unemployed

Bumper Stickers

I followed a honda to work today sporting the following gems:

Guns Kill People, Like Spoons

Made Rosie O'Donnel Fat

along with:

Bush / Cheney 04

I thought it was a funny combination. But nowhere near as good as my favorite stickers:

If You Don't Like The

Way I Drive,

Stay Off The Sidewalk

and:

My Kid Beat Up

Your Honor Student

dreaming about pooping

I have discovered a nightmare that is worse than the one where you are falling, or the one where you are speaking in public...in your underwear, or the one with the evil ronald mcdonald (long story...). I am of course refering to the dreams where you have to urinate or deficate in the dream and have nowhere private to go, or for some other reason can't "let loose," although it is very evident that your dream-self really needs to go.

For some people this is usually prompted by waking up in the middle of night, and after a few painful minutes your body convinces you that the reason you are up is so that you can run to the bathroom. (of course, for a few of you, this dream prompts nothing, and you wake in a pile of fluids that you created...) Now I am not saying that this happened to me, but in the dream I didn't have last night, I ended up shitting all over the place in an aquaintence's house (not the bathroom for some reason) before waking and finding to my delight that it was in fact just a stomach ache. My body thankfully allowed me (if this had happened) to go in to the other room and do some word search instead of spending the early morning burning sheets, pajamas, and probably the mattress.

What's the worst dream you've had lately?
And were you happy you had it (like I was, uhhh hypothetically)?

Poop (and Dilbert)

Well...talking about poop, and/or pooping, seems to make you famous if you believe the Jason Mulgrew hype, and this random thought crossed my mind while I was updating adobe reader at work and my eyes fell on the little "search Yahoo" button.

I could think of no better way to pass the next minute and a half of my life then to search "poop" and then post a couple links on here for the blogging community. (and don't miss the jokes in the last post, especially the picture of boobees...)

• "About 3/4 of your average turd is made of water." http://www.heptune.com/poop.html quotes like that and questions like "Why does poop stink?" "Why is poop brown?" and "Can you get sick from eating poop?" will keep you entertained for minutes...
• http://www.poopreport.com/ with Poop of the Week and the Poop Blog, Your #1 Source for your #2 business
• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poop the Wikipedia definition (wikipedia, home of the best "coug'n it" definition I've seen, which they did again last weekend...fuckers)
• http://www.doodie.com/ "offers several interactive cartoons featuring characters...uh...pooping." and some other funny links

http://www.dilbert.com/ also, Scott Adams, creator of the Dilbert comics and a few short novels that I have mentioned in my ramblings, has his own blog http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/. He had a good post (actually, they are all pretty good, kind of like Mulgrew's and my site...) about having No Sense of Embarassment. I like that, and am posting that as my blog heading from now on.

I have been trying for a while (and by trying I mean he just reminded me, I don't actually put much thought into anything...) to come up with a phrase for myself and the attitude I inherited from my Father.
"I am secure enough to make people laugh at me, I think I am vaugely funny, and I like to make people laugh, therefore people laugh at me a lot. And I am okay with it." That can be my motto. That, and "I like Beer."

Jokes and Golf and Football

Happy Halloween from two Boobees.
and the blog title in reverse order...
GO HAWKS
Stupid Cougars, I was let down again.
I finally golfed after a month or so off, and was 7 over on 3 holes, and 8 over total for 81. So other than those 3 holes, I played really well, and considering I blew up right in the middle, I would say I had good composure to finish off only 8 over.

and guest blogger Alex N. strikes again...

• At dawn the telephone rings.
• "Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
• "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
• "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died."
• "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
• "Si, Senor, that's the one."
• "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he die from?"
• "From eating rotten meat, Senor."
• "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
• "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
• "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
• "The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
• "Are you insane? What water cart?"
• "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
• "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
• "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
• "What the hell? There's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
• "For the funeral, Senor."
• "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
• "Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
• "Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

and another from Alex

• A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my beautiful wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy! What do you think I should do?"
• "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now tell me, where is Larry's bar?"

pullman stinks

Well, actually it was the drive over that stunk. A couple times we passed areas that must have been having used diaper burning contests. Either that, or we found where they bottle "Sex Panther" from the movie Anchorman. (You know its good cause its got pieces of real panther...)

For those of you in the know, Shakers is gone. It is now called Mikes, and since there was only 1 floor now, the line was too big to wait in. But looking through the window, it looked like it sucked. hard. They pushed the bar all the way back to the wall, so it looks like a trendy night club or something. Fuck them. Oh yeah, and fuck the cougs for Coug'n it again. We left early to watch them finish off UCLA at the Coug, and surprise, surprise, they coughed up the lead. again.

Pluses to the weekend in Pullman:
The Coug
Bob who owns The Coug, because we can legitimately say "we know the owner."
Drinking from 9-1...AM on both those times...thats right, over 15 hours.
Cougar Country....hhhmmmm, burgers
64 oz beers at Sellas...hmmm, calzones
the downstairs bathroom at KD's (no abby, go upstairs, Gina's already in there...)
Me and Jose were easily the drunkest people at Sellas...and we ordered the biggest beers... (P.S. Jose, I have your 64 oz mason jar you "borrowed")
I won $5 off USC, and didn't bet on the cougs so I lost no money on them.

Negatives to the weekend in Pullman:
It takes up like 7 hours to get there
Shakers is no longer shakers, and still has a long ass line
I didnt get any pizza pipeline
Abby was too hungover for us to get Cougar Country on the way out of town
I spent way over 100 bucks getting there and back. $2.89 a gallon can suck my nuts
I didnt get to visit the downstairs bathroom at KD's...

Movies

http://jessicaalba.fanhost.com/ Jessica Alba is Hot. I am going to go buy Sin City, and while I'm thinking about it, I'm gonna order Batman too. Both those movies kicked ass.

So..Best Movie of the last year or so?
I say Anacondas, Hunt for the Blood Orchid.
That or Troy.
What do you think?

I still haven't seen War of the Worlds or Kingdom of Heaven, but those looked good too. As for chick flicks, Love Actually and the Notebook were good. Bridget Jones was funny so I could stomach that one too. Of course, if I had a choice between any of those and the new Steven Segal crap, I would choose the one where the guy with the beads kicks the crap out of everyone hands down...And I can't wait for the next Harry Potter, because I am one of "those guys."

edit: and while searching new releases, I found this gem. I am sure you have all been waiting for it, so here is the link...http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000AM4P86/102-9356058-0898531?v=glance&n=130

Gus & Brian Baird

Gus
Search your name, or nickname in this case, and find wierd shit.
http://www.gusgus.com/index.php?page=News GusGus, the official site
http://www.twistedmatrix.com/~gus/dswj/ some chicks blog, wonderfuly named the Dancing Sausage, which would be my nickname instead of Gus if I was a Stripper...
http://www.gusinc.com/ , which for 13 years has been serving people with communication disorders and physical limitations

so in reverse, I'm a retarded stripper in a band named after the fat mouse from Cinderella. Sweet....

Brian Baird
http://www.tdn.com/articles/2005/10/12/area_news/news05.txt
An article in the Daily Snooze about Salmon and my new favorite polictian bashing the experts. I heard him speak last night at a Lower Columbia Contractors Association dinner, and he really won me over. He sounded like he made sense, and didn't sound like he was just kissing ass, so hes got my vote. Of course I hate politics, and if the next guy sounded as intelligent as him, I would say he had my vote too, but us lazy voters can't be perfect. I was just happy they had beer.

Welcome to the Suck

With a clever title like that, I am sure you are expecting more fun porn titles. Sorry, but I am actually referring to Longview. http://www.ci.longview.wa.us/ That's right, we have a website. I don't actually hate Longview, but in order to be popular here, you have to make fun of yourself and your town, so there you go.

(and just to keep some of you interested, "Face Jam" and "Star Whores" are a few classics...)

and in the wonderful world of Fantasy Football, I have gone 5-0 so far. Which is saying something considering the talent we have in our league...But seriously, I feel like I am setting myself up to "Coug-it" bad. Which is why I will be heading to Pullman this weekend to try and perform a pre-emptive strike on the coug-hex by watching as much football and drinking as much beer as possible until the end of the football season. If that isn't enough to please the football gods, then I don't deserve to hold this lead and win in the playoffs....Kind of like the cougs.

Moo, and home values

You all wish you be Garrett's dog, and be this happy about absolutely nothing...

either he is full, or the carpet is soft, or someone was just petting him, or whatever it is...ahhhh, the simple life of licking your nuts, eating, sleeping, and pooping...

and for those of you not into puppy dogs and pooping discussions, how about this. at a recent seminar talking about trends in the home market and the "bursting bubble", they ended with these conclusions:

• Evidence that home prices have moved up faster in recent months than inflation and income, but long-term evidence suggests this increase may have been just "catch-up"
• Some likelihood of bubble developing slow leak, but with low rates and good consumer sentiment, probability of bubble pop is low
• OR and WA appear in good shape and long-term demographic trends suggest some ease in rate of growth, but no bursting of bubble.

Which means, I hope you were able to latch on to a house in the last 5 years, becuase it sounds like the recent home price value increases are here to stay. Which appears to be good to the tune of at least $40k for me, and way more for people like James that bought in very valuable areas. I wouldn't be surprised if James made $100k just becuase of the current market... Damn

Guest Blogger - Meshuggah

For your webpage:
So you think you know metal? You don't know jack. Meshuggah, a Swedishmetal band who released their first album in 1989, continues they're torridpace with a full-length album entitled "Catch Thirty-thr33." The albumfollows their first EP in ten years called "I," which was released in late2004. The newest edition to the Meshuggah discography features a slowerpace, but intricate and complex rhythms typical of Meshuggah's style. Newto this album are programmed drums, mostly produced by their drummer, TomasHaake, but also created by other members of the band. Overall, the album isan A. Meshuggah will be at Berbati's Pan in Portland on Tuesday, October25.

Alex

(anyone else got a review, opinion, picture or joke? be a guest blogger. send it to me via email.)

new favorite

http://www.nbc.com//My_Name_Is_Earl/
"My Name is Earl," Tuesdays at 9:00 on NBC
(followed by "The Office," which is also very funny.

Earl got picked up for the rest of the season, 22 episodes. I am very happy because I am so tired of unfunny reality crap that keeps getting regurtitated on the public about 3-6 times a season...plus the existing reality shows on season 13 or so...plus the cross-over shows and spin-offs from those long-running reality shows. Its nice to see a funny sitcom introduced and see it actually take hold. I'm not saying all reality shows are bad. Kathy Griffen is actually pretty damn funny. And I don't mind the game show styles like Amazing Race and Fear Factor. But then there is Survivor which borders on bad, and the rest that are just so edited that they make one person the stereotype bitch, one the asshole, one the jock, one the funny guy, one (or two) the slut, one the geek, etc. These people aren't stars, and about 80% of them don't deserve to be on TV, let alone asked back to another show or god forbid their own show. Bring back the sitcoms. I don't watch a lot of TV, but when I do I would rather turn on a Friends or Everybody Loves Raymond episode that I have already seen, then to watch one more fucking new reality show... I sure hope that Earl and shows like Grey's Anatomy and CSI and Law and Order can turn TV back to the way it was...almost reality free.

KARMA GUIDE - by Earl

• As I go through life, fixing my mistakes one at a time, I’ve learned a thing or two about Karma, and part of keeping good Karma is sharing it with others. I hope these notions help you as much as they’ve helped me.
• Do good things and good things will happen to you. Do bad things and it will come back and bite you in the ass.
• If you want a better life, you need to be a better person.
• Bad luck might be contagious. It wouldn’t be fair to bring someone into your life until you clean yours up.
• Never underestimate the power of confidence. And never underestimate fifteen beers, a little enlightenment, and the power of Rob Base and DJ Easy Rock.
• A person needs a little rest after having his moustache tickled at a gay bar.
• You have to do the hard things in life sooner or later.
• If you want the reward, you have to do the work.
• The secret to life is fixing all the bad things that you’ve done.
• Whether picking up trash, returning stolen merchandise, or helping a homosexual find love, it always has the same reward… feeling good about yourself.

Karma. You got to love it.

fantasy skillz

thats right sports fans, yours truly is 4-0 in fantasy football, only undefeated team, and ahead by a comfortable margin. The biggest reward...having a bunch of know-it-alls fall silent in the shit-talking department.

jason lee's reception was this weekend. very fun, very beautiful slide show up at Sahalle country club in sammamish (near seattle). needless to say the reception was prempted by the prefunk, and followed by the afterfunk, and then the bar scene, all followed by steak and eggs aroung 4:00 AM. so we woke up at the crack of noon or so to watch the USC game (no coug game on) then finished off the night drinking, eating pizza, playing video games, watching football, and not doing anything useful or preductive. pretty nice.

then comes monday and back to work. dammit.

Go Cougs

I like beaver. Anyone remember the homecoming shirt from back in 96 or 97 that had a cougar eating a beaver or beaver cereal or something like that? I hope the cougars dump all over them in the rain-fest that will be this saturday's game down in Corvallis. GO COUGS!

I will unfortunately not be going, as my drinkin skilz are required up in Seattle for Lee's reception. But I plan to root on the Cougs from a big screen somewhere in the Emerald City. Man I love beer.
and boobies.

aaaahhhhh fuck those guys

This is a little late if you already read the title, or any previous posts, but I use cuss words and stuff. What you would call, a potty mouth.

"The Parental Advisory is a notice to consumers that recordings identified by this logo may contain strong language or depictions of violence, sex or substance abuse. Parental discretion is advised."

I install this wonderful image upon you, to remind you of the days when you couldn't buy the new Public Enemy cd and so you stuck it to the man by getting your cousin to buy it for you. Or in my case, the new Eddie Murphy or Chris Rock cd. Or again in my case, having to show your ID no less than 3 years ago for a CD, and a year or two before that for fireworks...(lets see 28, minus 3 is 25, minus 2 more is 23, and you have to be 18 and 16 respectively to buy those items...THOSE FUCKERS).

And I also brought you the image to lead into the topic of violence in video games, which is a big topic for people today. And by people I of course mean narrow minded conservative fuckheads that think that violent video games are the reasons I call them fuckheads. Duhhhh, TV is the reason I call them fuckheads. They are listening to the wrong bullshit studies...

http://www.tdn.com/articles/2005/09/27/this_day/news03.txt Our local paper has a great quote in the middle of this article...

- "There really isn't any room for doubt that aggressive game playing leads to aggressive behaviors," says Iowa State University psychologist Craig A. Anderson, one of the pioneers of research in the area and a guiding force behind the association's resolution.

- But the association's action came just weeks after University of Illinois researcher Dmitri Williams, in a study of 213 players of a violent online game called "Asheron's Call 2," concluded that a month of steady, intensive play did not increase participants' aggressiveness. His study did not focus on children but included some players as young as 14.

I have said it before, and I'll say it again.
I would have no difficulty writing a thesis on any topic that would positively prove the point that for every study that says one thing, there is another that says the opposite. So video game bashers can go fuck themselves. Hard.

The Wonders of a Small Town Paper

Living in Longview has its ups and downs. The ups being beer, the smell of the mill, and a pretty decent cost of living. The downs being the cummulative realization that we border on the "hick-town" mentality. That and lite beer... (Recent examples include not wanting a new Lowe's because it's near peoples housing, while at the same time complaining that our county employement rate is the worst in the state...and some bullshit called rock green lite which is rolling rock that tastes like water and is better for you or something...)
I read a few funny things in the local paper today (www.tdn.com), and the more I looked, the more I couldn't realize whether I should cry...or move.

Eye Catcher Headlines:
SCOTCH & BEER (Food - Page C1) Now, this one isn't too bad, but not exactly big city...
R.A. LONG SPIKES KELSO (Sports - Page D1) Can't sports writers come up with NEW headlines?
MOSTLY NICE (High 71 Low 48 Page C8) That is a terribly vague description.
ALVORD SCOLDS A PREP COACH (Sports Page D1) A sports writer's opinion counts now???

Articles starting on the Front Page:
Meth tax going down: After close vote, county looks at resubmitting 0.2% sales-tax increase to combat meth abuse. (So it lost, so how about we waste money voting again???)
Woodland school bond passing by less than 1%: Measure to provide $3.75 million to buy land for a new high school is too close to call. (This county will not spend money to fight drugs or open schools. Great message to send out...)
Botero will face Melink for Longview council: Busack will be heavy favorite for other City Council Seat. (Its votin time on the farm again, and the people remain heavily indecisive on all issues...)
Kelso boy hospitalized after ingesting narcotic: Toddler will recover; charges pending. (I have to quote a line from the article to emphasize this one) "The resident told police he believed that a drop-in guest must have dropped a methadone pill and the child ate it." "Child protective services is investigating to determine if it is safe for the child to return home." (I swear we are not all drug taking idiots, but you would never tell from our front page.)
Growing Rita brushes Keys (Too lazy to spell out Hurricane and Florida.)
Japan's mafia created Katrina, weatherman claims (I guess it could be worse, we could be from Idaho Falls where some weatherman believes some stupid crap posted on the internet. Of course we put it on our paper, which is sad...)

Coming in the daily news:
Thursday: Punk band will attend opening of new Longview music store
Friday: The Potholes - Anglers adapt to new conditions at huge desert reservior in Central Washington
Saturday: Will RAL topple Fort? - Complete game coverage
(those are three attention grabbers that are sure to peak the attention of the teenagers, fisherman, and soccer moms of our county, which asside from the druggies and politicians, makes up the rest of our popluation...)

Double post time (to make up for days of incompetence)

Anyone planning on watching "My Name is Earl" tuesday night?
Looks very funny.
Plus Jason Lee seems to play the part perfectly in the commercials.

edit: I thought the pic would be bigger, but go to www.nbc.com and click on earl to see a bigger list.
He is going to right the wrongs he has done, including:

getting a lap dance from a friends mom and not paying her

sleeping with his prom date's sister...on prom night

littering