arrrgh, pirates

I found another great site. OfficePirates Especially funny are the photo gallaries and the captions.

and I changed my profile pic. It's just like my dad in the 70s.

I knew it

Jon is gonna get some. I knew it. It's about time.

Brewfest or Pubcrawl tonight. I am so excited..I wonder if McDonalds across the street sells Screwdrivers since they built where Bumpers used to be. I could really go for a party starter about now.

And I added some more links to fun sites, blogs, and great t-shirt sites to the left. One of these days I will get all my links over from my website, but for now, if you have a good one, leave a comment or email it to me.

I want this one.

I'm getting this one for Burckhardt.

Deja Vu (Or Something)

Wow. You know how sometimes you read something, and it feels like you could've written it. That's how I feel after reading this.
It's like I was reading my own thoughts. That Jake Scott is a genius.

Let our people go!

Activists Protest Beer-Swilling Pigs

Hey, If we wanna drink, don't stop us. And if our friends the pigs want to drink, then don't stop them. Stupid liberals.

And the Xbox360 makes the news

Xbox Live Arcade allows you to download old school games and play them online and compare scores and get achievements for different acomplishments that you can compare how good (i.e. geeky) you are. For instance, I have about 2,500 points. Dicko's brother has about 25,000 points. As soon as Dicko gets a 360, I'm sure it will take him just under an hour or so to get more points then that, but for now, I am totally better at video games than him.

And I will prove it on the moose lodge pac man this weekend. 150k, here I come! My new mission in life. To buy a sit-down Ms. Pac Man to go along with my 80s foosball table. I found eagle distributing where you can get one made, and include Donkey Kong, Galaga, Dig Dug, etc.

Only about $3,000 total with the extra games. I'm gonna start saving now...Also found 949c.com with one for $2,000 plus $200 for a few extra games. WAIT WAIT
I got a card from the Moose Lodge, and the company that services theirs has one for sale with 39 games installed, for $1,150. Who thinks I should buy it?

And, because there are no words to describe how cool this picture is, I will just post it and knight-foundation who I borrowed it from.

Also, with our weekend of frivolity planned, and inspired by Mulgrew's drink til you shit post, I decided to read a few other recent posts. And this awesome one is the best in a long time.

Drink Til You Shit (West Coast)

So this weekend the guys here at NOSE are going to drink until we shit.
Brewfest is in Portland so Smooty and others will be joining Gus and I for a weekend of drunken debauchery.
Friday night we are planning a little warm-up in the way of a Kelso/Longview Bar Crawl. I think we are starting at a bowling alley / lounge right off of I-5 and working our way towards Gus' house throughout the night. I think we had a list of 13-15 bars that we are trying to hit. I am predicting that I will be belligerent by bar 8. And then I will be in black-out mode by bar 11.
Saturday is going to be the real fun as we head south. We are gonna stop in the Couv and enjoy some indoor Go-Kart racing at a little place called HotTrax. The same place where Erik Williamson suffered second degree burns on his arm for resting it on the exhaust. And this was after the track attendant warned us all to "not touch the exhaust or it will burn you". Classic Williamson.
Then as Erik has repeatedly posted, we will make our way down to the Rose City's waterfront and drink until somebody shits. (My money is on Lowell Roemer)

Should be fun!

Dahaka Jr.

I figured out the secret identity of Dahaka Jr. the mystery commenter here at NOSE. It is the one and only Tosh "Anakin" Bailey.
How did I figure this out you may ask?
I was checking my messages on myspace last night and Tosh sent me some pictures of some scantily clad females. After checking where the pic came from I noticed it was saved to an online album of Dahaka Jr.
Nice try Tosh. I just don't understand why you did it. Is it because I make fun of you being extremely hairy?
(Seriously Tosh is so hairy, Bigfoot takes pictures of him.)

I'm One Handsome Sonuvabitch

So I was surfing the internet and came across a little webpage called MyHeritage.com. It looks like this page is for storing a family tree but they have one other cool feature. You submit a photo of your face and it matches it to it's celebrity database to see who has the same face structure as you. I decided to submit a pic of myself and see how it turned out.

Here is the pic I took of myself on my camera phone while I was working. I then submitted it to myheritage.com and anxiously awaited the results. When the results popped up, I was not surprised. I already knew I was handsome.
67% match to Paul Walker (So that's why Jessica Alba won't leave me alone....)
51% match to Jean Claude Van-Damme (and I do know some kung-fu)
47% match to both James Dean and Julio Iglesias and a 45% match to Lleyton Hewitt.

So I decided to try one more pic and see how the results varied. And I would share pic number 2 with you but after inspecting it I noticed I had a booger in my nose. Awesome. I'm thinking I may save that one for Christmas cards this year.
Anyways the results were way different the second time around.
62% match to Kurt Cobain (I'm so fucking ecstatic right now)
59% match to Patrick Swayze (wtf?), 56% match to Denzel Washington (seriously, wtf?), 56% match to Elvis Presley (no comment), 54% match to P. Diddy, 50% match to Scarlett Johansson (she's purdy), 50% match to Bam Margera (It could've been Don Vito), 46% match to Carson Daly

Check it out for yourself. Who's face does yours resemble?

Trading In My Car

Smooty sent this to me and G in my e-mail.

He had hoped to use it to lure in his favorite boy band member Lance Bass now that he is finally OUT, but he will have to settle for luring me and Nate and Dicko this weekend after brewfest. I also would like to point out the amazing similarity between Lance and our beloved Folkestad. You know, the really tall volleyball player from our house who turned down sex with hot chicks in college? Yeahhhh, he's not gay.

Longview Famous?

Once you are on the internet, you are famous right?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Longview,_Washington

I love how it has the story of the Green Day song being named after our town. Read it, and Believe it or not #5. The song is called Longview. They first played the song here. And they then named the song Longview. They should not deny. They should accept...how cool it is here.

And plans for this weekend.

• Brewfest warmup in Portland or Pubcrawl in Longview Friday night (decision still pending), maybe some bowling, maybe some card playing, maybe some hot-tubin. I don't know. I don't know if we'll have enough time.
• Gokarts and minature golf Saturday on the way to Brewfest for a west coast Drink Til You Shit kind of night, inspired by Mulgrew.
• Being hungover and playing wiffleball on Sunday

Looks like I'm set. Who's comin with me?

edit: Also, while looking for a good map to make a pubcrawl plan with, I found two interesting things in the longview/kelso phone directory. Did you know you could go to www.ready.gov or call 1-800-BE-READY to learn about potential terrorist threats and how to prepare for them? Yup, there is a message from Tom Ridge right in my phone book. And, on a slightly more useful note, I found a complete list of Washington Golf Courses. Sweet ass sweet.

The joke that got away

Last summer while visting my sister in New Orleans (right before Katrina kicked her out of town) we decided to spend a rediculous amount of money on dinner one night. So we (Bo, Amy, Abby, my sister Heather, and I) asked the bartender at the gay bar we were at (they had a white russian ice cream machine, I shit you not) which place was one of the nicest in New Orleans. So he of course recommended the one his boyfriend works at, called and got us a table, and after sprucing up a little, we were off.

Now I am not sure if he hooked us up with this celebrity sighting or if it was just a freak coincidence, but 10 minutes into the meal I notice that the guy sitting at the table behind my sister looks a lot like Ferris Bueller. In fact, he looks exactly like...holy shit, that's Matthew Broderick! About this same time, Abby notices over my sisters other shoulder that Sarah Jessica Parker (or is it Broderick?) is sitting about 5 feet from her. We proceeded to tell Amy and Bo as discreetly as possible, which was funny because I swear we told Bo, and about 20 minutes later, he says "Oh shit, that's Ferris Bueller." Either he wasn't listening, or he's just really slow. We also then realize that we both only noticed the star that we liked watching and didn't even realize who they were sitting with. Kinda funny, but we went back to eating and drinking and enjoying ourselves, the whole time kinda wondering how many other people in the restaurant knew they were there, but were being cool and not bothering them.

Now the best part about this, is that somehow Heather had no idea the Brodericks were behind her. I had my sister ask the couple behind her if they would take our group's photo. And I think she got to about "Excuse me, would you mind ta...OH MY GOD!" Then proceeded to apologize and turn around to us bursting out in laughter. They thought it was pretty funny also once we explained, and we ended up talking for awhile with the usual "love your movies, love your show, you are great, and funny, and smart, etc." Then we joined them for a drink after dinner, they took us to see the cool penthouse villa they were renting, went to brunch the next morning, and I am planning on co-starring in a buddy movie with Matthew later this year, which should be out in 2007...

Or at least that is what would have happened, if only I had a fucking camera. (I'm still pissed that Bo didn't bring it and probably will be forever.) I came up with the perfect joke, and couldn't try and pull it off because for the first time on the trip Bo didn't have a camera around his neck like a fucking asian tourist. The Broderick's were sitting right next to us, and because we didn't have a camera, all that ended up happening was me smiling and nodding at Matthew as were leaving and they were coming back in after a smoke break. And you know how people always tell you that actors are smaller in person? Holy shit, he has to be like 5'5", tops.

I did get to tell everyone after we left about the great idea I had, and we still had the big laugh at Heather's expense since she never did realize they were there until they went outside to smoke and we told her, but I will always wonder if my life would have been different if I could have pulled off "the joke that got away."

Jon gets some?

Wait, wait, wait...Is Jon finally gonna get the girl? I know some around here think garfield is old and not funny anymore, but I still like the fact that garfield eats and sleeps and abuses the dog and gives his owner shit. Get Fuzzy is funnier and newer, but I still like garfield and wouldn't mind seeing Jon finally tap that vet's ass.

Interesting things that happened yesterday

• I saw obi-wan-kenobi on Washington Way with a car wash sign trying to help some young girls drum up business for there fundraiser car wash. (including lightsaber, I really wish I was kidding about this one)
• I tried to call Smoot about it later after a few beers, and he didn't answer.
• I heard that not one, but THREE bars are for sale in town, all of them pretty good bars, and all of them asking rediculous prices. (Hey Smoot, wanna come to Longview and open a Coug bar?)
• I set a new record I think on the Pac Man sit down arcade game at the Moose Lodge. 136,960 is probably my best ever, and beat the other high score on the machine by about 80,000. I had people watching me play like I was the fucking pinball wizard.
• I told the I got screwed over golf story for like the 15th time. Man I can't let shit go.
• I called Nate to get a beer, but his vagina hurt and he didn't want to go.
• I had muchos gracias for lunch, muchos gracias later for a snack, taco tuesday for 1st dinner, 2 beers at the star, 3 beers at the moose, wings and fries for second dinner and 2 giant beers at porky's. I feel sorry for whoever uses the restroom after me in about 30 minutes...

How I screwed up/got screwed over

Setting the scene, I shoot in the 80s just about every time I golf. I am a 13 handicap, which I think is good, but means I usually play descent golf, but fuck up a few times just to keep myself from ever getting real good. I seem to have no problem beating all of my friends except Josh, but can’t seem to beat total strangers and normally have to settle for runner-up, or lately one stroke from winning money. It was 80-100 degrees both days this weekend, we were playing from the blue tees, and the pins were placed so that putting was like the anthill hole at a miniature golf course and they were impossible to hit approach shots to. So although I got really early tee times, I was still sweating like Nate in church*, hung over, and really having to concentrate to give myself birdie and par tries.

I butchered a hole on my first day of the tournament, taking a 9 on a par 4, including a bad hop, causing me to have to drop because of an un-hittable lie, topping the ball, then chipping out, then hitting it on, and FUCKING 4-PUTTING. (Basically as bad as it gets without actually losing a ball.) I proceeded to birdie the next hole and go on to save a few putts and only shoot a net one or two over par. Not bad, but only in 4th or 5th in the 2nd net division. This means I need to shoot low 80s the 2nd day in order to win my money back for the tourney, as only the top 5 in each net division get paid. If you read the title of this post, you can probably guess this is where the story gets good/bad.

The 2nd day I am paired up with a 14 and a 17 handicapper that are in 4th or 5th place with me. Shooting within a few strokes of par in the net division should win you money, so all I needed to do was beat one of these guys, or at least shoot low 80s as planned, and I should win $100-300. I start off good, only having a few errant shots and shooting 41 on the front and tying the 14 handicapper. Now all I need to do is shoot 45 or better and I should be in the money. I get another unfriendly lie on the 10th hole as my ball finds thick sand right by the lip, only 20 feet from the cup. In a blinding display of unbelievable skill and luck, I blast the ball out of the sand about 6 inches….into the only 4 foot section of grass near the green that is not mowed. My next chip from Chewbacca’s mane stops short of course, and I three putt from off the green for a triple bogey. As long as I don’t fuck up any more, I should be fine right? I mean, I come back and birdie the next hole, so I am fine right?

Well, that depends on how you look at the 15th hole, and the fact that they don’t make exceptions in the rules of golf for when you get screwed over. I hit my drive a little left along the out of bounds, but fading back into an open spot between some small trees. The three of us get to their balls and hit, but can’t for the life of us find my fucking ball. I know it is not out of bounds. I absolutely know it. A jogger nearby throws a ball to us from the road, and it’s not mine. So where the fuck did my ball go? This is where I get some good advice, and screw myself over by listening to it (or get screwed over depending on how you look at it). The guy who I am down a stroke to says it must be in a tree. (for non golfers, this happens about once or twice in a lifetime…) He says that it couldn’t possibly be further than where his ball is, because he hit it pretty good. Then the other guy who has the 17 handicap, and I need to beat by about 4 strokes in order to win money, pipes in with these words that now haunt my dreams, “I looked up there and didn’t see it.” Well, he has a cart and zoomed ahead to look, we have been searching for 3-4 minutes where it should be, and now another group is waiting. So I have to go back, re-hit, proceed to hit another one OB, then hit in the trees, chip up, make a wonderful saving chip, and then up and down, and get another 9. That is two in the tournament, and my first couple nines all year. What is the big deal you ask? After hitting my 3rd drive up by the green, I decide to walk up the left side to look for my ball on the way to the green. AND I FUCKING FIND IT RIGHT WHERE THE OTHER GUY SAID HE LOOKED. AND IT TAKES ME ALL OF 20 SECONDS TO FIND IT. It is easily 50 yards further than the first guy, that’s why we didn’t find it when we searched. So I get screwed because I hit it over 300 yards? Fuck.

The rules say I have to play the other ball since I already hit it a second time, so listening to those guys costs me at least 3, maybe 4 strokes. I understandably finish the last 3 holes a few over because I am getting over being pissed, and trying not to give up even though I know it cost me a chance to win money. And of course, when all the scores come in, the guy who told me “my ball wasn’t up there” ties for 5th beating me by 2 with a net 147 for the two days. And I win nothing. Now I am not saying I should have wrapped my 5 iron around his neck, but I think I could make a pretty good argument in court if I had…

*see below wedding stories

When Rednecks Win The Lottery

I don't understand why you wouldn't just by a nice RV. Although it would come in handy for bachelor parties...

Miss Universe

This year was REALLY the Miss Universe contest. Because although she may have signed up under Puerto Rico's banner, she looks straight out of Mars Attacks. Look at those chompers. I bet she's chewing on Carbon Dioxide gum so that she can breath just like in the movie...

My version of Nate's story

(Scroll down and read Nate's post below first.)

Friday
Abby and I were invited to dinner at a friend's house Friday night, so did not get invited to bowling. About 11:30-12:00 Abby drunk dialed Nate to tease him that we stole his david hasselhoff refrigerator magnet (long story) and that we were demanding a case of hefeweizen (and a lemon) or he wasn't getting it back. He reminded us that he had vowed to put a bag of shit on our porch by midnight on Friday if it was not returned, which prompted drunk Abby to boobytrap the front porch with a ransom note, and try to convince me that we should stay up and wait for Nate, and possibly even go to his house to prank him somehow. I had signed up for a golf tournament at 8:00 Saturday and Sunday, and did my best to convince her that Nate was probably passed out at home, she had woken him up, and there was no chance in hell he was coming over to shit on our porch. So both days I played golf, I got about 5 hours of sleep and drank too much the night before, which was fun playing from the blue tees and walking 18 holes at 8:00 in the morning in 80-100 degree heat. AWESOME.

Saturday
The wedding was about 105 or so, and not only did it start about 25 minutes late, they did EVERY SINGLE thing that you can possibly do during a wedding, including the unity candle, the seating of parents, the verses read aloud, etc. The only cool thing about this 45 min sweat-fest (after the initial 25 min wait), was the Booth's singing a song for the couple like the partridge family. Very sweet, and Booth's sisters (long haired brothers) and parents are pretty talented singers and musicians. Nate was sweating like he was having sex and it WAS funny, even though most of us were sweating too. The reception was pretty good, considering for some reason there was no RSVPs in the invitations, and therefore there were about 50 people more than could fit in the ballroom at the Monticello. Luckily the families were very generous and had enough food and beer to last for the whole party. Nate bitched out after knocking that old lady out (he has a mean left cross that the old ladies never see coming) and the rest of us were left to drink and dance with Garrett and Irena.

Good weekend.

Being Hungover At Hottest Wedding Ever - Not So Good

So this past Saturday my good buddy Garrett got married. So I thought it would be a good idea to get wasted on Friday night*.
Actually I was planning on taking it easy on Friday but instead ended up shitfaced. The evening started off slowly, just hanging out at my place drinking some beers. Then my buddy Tosh showed up and the pace of the beer drinking picked up. About an hour or so after Tosh showed up, my friend T called me to invite us bowling with her and a couple of her friends. We accepted the invite and headed over to the bowling alley.
While bowling, the beers were going down real easy. We rolled two games and I put down a few of the Bud Light bowling pin bottles. Afterwards we headed over to T's house for a little chat with the coach. This is were the night gets blurry for me. I remember sitting on the couch watching something, but shortly thereafter was unconscious. T woke me up a little later and took me to my place.
I woke up Saturday morning to the miserable heat. Sometime during the morning, the power at my house went out. So my A/C (which is currently fucked up and doesn't work worth a shit) and my fans were all dead. This was just great for the hangover that I had acquired. Adding to my misery was the fact that my car was in my garage and I couldn't get it out due to the old-ass electric garage-door opener. So I was stuck home in the hell-like conditions.
After sitting around for about a hour, the power came back on. I turned on some tunes, showered and head out to run some errands. I stopped for lunch then head home and watched a movie while trying to stay cool. I know I said this earlier, but if you haven't seen Grandma's Boy yet, you should. Right Now. Seriously go watch it. Go.
My friend Val agreed to be my date for the wedding, and she called right as the movie was ending so I went and picked her up. I got to her apartment building and called her as I was turning around in her parking lot. She met me in the parking lot and looked absolutely amazing.
We arrived at the church about fifteen minutes before the ceremony was set to begin. And it was HOT. We waited in the lobby for some other friends to join us and visited with everybody while trying to stay cool. Everybody showed up and we were seated. By the time the wedding got started, I swear it was over 105 in that church. I was sweating profusely and thought that I might get ill. I was feeling like I might pass out from heat stroke. I looked over at Val and she laughed at me. Seated next to her were Erik and Abby, and Erik laughed at me too. I struggled but I made it through the wedding.
After the wedding I took Val to pick up her car (she had to work at 6 the next morning) and she followed me to my house to drop my car off. We stopped by Phil's house on the way to the reception and I played a game of 3 man with Phil, Veronica, Sara, Timmy, Jim and Shannon. After a couple of beers we were off to the reception.
As we were walking in to the hotel lobby were the reception was taking place, we could see a line coming out of the ballroom. It was the line for the food and it looked like about a fifteen minute wait. We skipped that and made our way into the ballroom to try to find a seat. I grabbed a beer and we wondered around looking for a table. We found the Guttormsens sitting at a full table, passed a couple of other friends sitting at another full table and finally got seated near the bride's family.
Val and I talked for a while and then noticed that the line for the food had somewhat died down. I left my sunglasses and beer on the table to show that somebody was sitting there and we went and took our place at the end of the line. At the end of the line while I was at the prime rib station, I glanced at our table and noticed an older lady sitting there. WTF? So I walked back over to our table and smacked the lady in the forehead with an elbow which knocked her to the floor. I dropped another elbow on her, knocking her out and pulled her into the coat check. That'll teach that bitch for taking my seat.
Actually we just made room for her to sit with us and ate our food. After eating I had a couple of more beers, some Crown that Erik slipped to me in a flask and even danced a little bit. Val left a little early since she had to work in the morning. I hung out a little longer, drinking another beer or so, and got a ride home from my buddy Jim.
The next thing I know, I'm waking up on my couch at 5 in the morning. What a wonderful evening.

Congratulations Garrett and Irina. May you live a long and happy life together.



* That was sarcasm Gus