World Fighting Alliance

Everybody, you need to get the World Fighting Alliance Pay-Per-View on July 22nd to see my buddy Jason "Mayhem" Miller kick some fools ass. He is the shit. I met him in Las Vegas at UFC 54 during the weigh-ins. There are some other great fights on the card and it will definitely be worth your money. Quinton "Rampage" Jackson will be fighting and Bas Rutten will be fighting Kimo. Check it out.
UPDATE

Get more pictures like this from SHERDOG.COM
Here is another pic I found of Mayhem against GSP. Despite being bloody as all hell, he finished the fight. What a tough SOB!

Good Fucking Beer

I'm serious about Skinny Dip being the official beer of Summer. I am consuming some right now before I head out to the Beer Gardens with Gus and it's defuckinglicious. Have a great Saturday night. Seacrest out.

Better than the Sears Catalog

I know that title is a tired joke by Jeff Foxworthy, but as long as we are perverts around here, I thought I would also give a thanks to the creator of Victoria's Secret and their catalog and website. Searching for a suitable picture for the blog, I learned that these panties pictured are called Tangas. And damnit if they aren't the best thing to come out of the underwear industry since bikini briefs and thongs...And having Adriana Lima on the covers and website can't be hurting sales...damn.
And, going to myspace off the http://www.1051thebuzz.com/ website I was treated to another true ad. Are they expecting to get any females on this site, or just guys?
And speaking of dating, Nate added a link to another fun blog, singleinscottsdale chronic(what)ling the adventures of single life in scottsdale.

And, feeling bad about living in a small town and not making as much as your big town buddies? Try this salary comparison calculator and feel better about yourself.

phatphree and true

I got a good article from Nate from the thephatphree, which reminded me I hadn't been to the site or checked out their t-shirts recently. The site and this movie quoting article are worth a look if you haven't been there. The best shirt by far is featured here.

As for more interesting stuff than just linking to someone's site that is better than mine...sorry, I got nothing.

I did however just remember that I watched Nate fall asleep towards the end of 'Grandma's Boy' last night. It was pretty funny because he was smoking before he fell asleep, than kind of jumped when his head nodded, and went right back to smoking. Almost like he was sleep-smoking. Safer in the short-run than sleep-walking, but probably not in the long run...

Also, another thing that I have noticed this year (which has nothing to do with the fact I was just talking about Nate) is ads on websites for true.com, which is a singles dating site. I have not gotten further than the homepage, as I am forbidden from checking the site out as it is fraud to register on the site if you are married or a criminal (nice that those two groups of people are lumped together...). But, I am thankful for the ads none-the-less, because they do a very good job of supplying a once a day hot-chick-fix. If you get on hotmail, or myspace, or yahoo, or any of the good blogs or humor sites out there, (or the other 20 millions sites that have ads and pop-ups), you have probably seen one of their ads. I would like to commend their advertising department. While they don't really have a hard job, they do a good job and probably don't get many thanks besides models sleeping with them, handjobs, whip-cream fights, etc. So thanks.

Co-workers, iPods, Beer Gardens, Wiffleball, Bachelor Parties, Grandma's Boy

You know what's nice? When that one person that you can't stand at work goes on vacation. The guy that sits right across from me is an asshole. And he knows it. Back in the late 70's-early 80's I guess he was training to be an Olympic wrestler. And he would have made it, but he blew out both of his knees. So after that he started drinking and getting into bar fights. From some of the stories other people have told me, he is one bad mamma-jamma. So he's a prick. And I can't stand him. So not having to deal with him today is going to make my life so much more pleasant.

I seriously cannot believe how much I love my iPod. If you are a serious music fan and do not have some sort of mp3 player yet, you are missing the boat. I talked my buddy Go-Go into getting an iPod and she loves it. Lately I have been downloading new music like it's going outta style. One new band that I've been digging is Office. Check them out if you're down with some light, feel-good, Summer tunes.
Outkast's "Bombs over Baghdad" has got to be one of my top five all time favorite songs.

This weekend Rainier, the small city across the Columbia River from Longview, is having their annual 'Days in the Park' Celebration. They have a little Carnival type thing with a Flea Market, Fireworks and most importantly a BEER GARDEN. So you know what my plans are gonna be for Saturday night. Getting drunk on cheap beer and watching some fireworks. I'm pretty sure Gus is going with me and I think our buddy Money Mike is going to be in town from Seattle so it should be fun. I was hoping Smooty was gonna head down here and be my wingman, but he told me he has a yeast infection and won't be able to make it.

On Sunday a 'semi-pro' (as funny as that sounds) wiffleball team from Puyullap is coming down to challenge a team of guys from the wiffleball league. This team has played in national tournaments and if I remember right they finished top five in the nation last year. It'll be interesting to see how we stack up against a 'semi-pro' team. I think Gus is gonna play, along with Matt Jones of Jackmove and Jim Hewey and Brian Eyer from the Brewers. We should be able to compete with them with that lineup. Wish us luck.

So my little brother is getting married on August 4th (I don't know why he picked Friday). And he informed me last week that I am in the wedding. Pretty cool. I'm not the best man though, as my record in that department is not too good. I've been best man twice in the past, both ending in divorce. Both marriages together lasted shorter than five years. So for my little brother's wedding, my cousin is gonna take care of the best man duties. The one duty I have is planning the bachelor party. This is one area of expertise for me. I know how to throw one hell of a bachelor party. If you don't believe me ask Josh "the Wookiie" Burckhardt, he'll tell ya. So for my little brothers I am planning on taking him and his buddies to Vancouver to a indoor Go-Kart place called HOT-Tracks (or some shit) to start the evening off. After that it'll be bar-hopping through Vancouver and Portland. I am gonna be the designated driver, so my goal is to get my little bro wasted but home safely. He's in for a terrible hangover. It's gonna be fun.

Tonight I plan on sitting on my couch and watching Grandma's Boy. I watched it last night with Gus and my roomie, but after some beers and a little chat with the coach I don't really remember all of the movie. I do remember it was pretty fucking funny though. I figured I would take it easy tonight because I am going to drink like a fish tomorrow.

Believe it or Not vol. 4

Todd decided to take up Skydiving last year. He had gone up with a group a few times, and done all the practicing, but still had yet to jump out of a plane. He finally decided to take a private lesson and get over his fear and just do it, and signed up for an early morning flight.

He was up to jump height when the instructor came out of the cockpit, closed the door, and said "Todd, there a few things I should have told you before we came up."
"First, I am a 6th degree black belt."
"Second, I am a raging homosexual."
"Third, you have two choices."

"Either you jump, or I am using you to satisfy my sexual desires."

Todd is telling me this story a few months later, and as I am laughing, I say "No way..so did you jump?"

and he says,

"Yeah, a little at first..."

Pirates

I saw Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest last night. And it was pretty f'in good. Nice and loud, with lots of explosions and chases and fighting and improbably stunts that you would expect from a sequel to the first installment. And when I say installment, I mean that you know there will be a 3rd one, because the second one is breaking sales records and last night was almost a week after it came out and both screens were sold out again, and this is in little ol Longview. The pirates and special effects were cool. There were actually a lot of people from the first movie that were back, especially strange because I thought some of them were dead. It's pretty safe for kids, but with a few awesome references and startling moments to keep adults entertained.

And of course there is Kiera Knightly and plenty of action and monsters for the dudes, and Orlando and Johnny for the ladies, and a midget pirate for Smoot, so everyone has someone to drool over.

Overall rating - A. One of the best of the year, and I'm glad I went to see it. I can't wait for the next one. And make sure to stay til the end for the sweet ending....

Math Problem

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig, which is the same size as your car, and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
(Try to figure it out before scrolling down for answer)






















Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.

Condom Shopping

The other night I was in a long line at Target. As I got to the register I realized that he had forgotten to get condoms, so I asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"
I replied that I didn't know.
She asked me to drop my pants. I did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of "Rufus" and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
Erik Guttormsen was the next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
A few customers back was Todd Smoot. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did.
She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...




"Cleanup, Register 5."

other blogs

Here is a great example of why it is fun to read other people's blogs.
thedailydump:top-one-most-embarrassing-moment
Any story about farting usually has my full attention, right up until I have to minimize it for a few moments so that I don't laugh too loudly at work. The daily dump is a good blog.

and don't miss the last couple posts and crazy bitch stories below...

Believe it or Not Vol 3

A theory exists that the word 'cocktail' originated from an old practice of bartenders dumping leftover liquors from drinks into a ceramic container shaped like a rooster, and you could get cheap drinks from a tap set in the tail of the rooster; hence these drinks were called 'cock's tail'.

Believe it or Not.

Also, In case the Go 3rd celebration (drinking at the beer gardens on the 1st in Longview, hitting golf balls at the floating green and listening to live music the 2nd-4th, BBQ the 2nd-4th at my house, playing four square, and drinking while watching the town's firworks show from my backyard) won't hold you over until the Portland Brewers Fest at the end of July, there is Rainier Days in the Park
The beer garden in Rainier is much more ambitious than Longview's, running:
Thursday: 6 p.m.-12 a.m.
Friday: 6 p.m.-1 a.m.
Saturday: Noon-1 a.m

With plans for going golfing both days, drinking at night, and the weather supposed to be in the 80's, I think I have this weekend pretty well mapped out. Smoot you or any other Seattle-ites are welcome to come down.

Crazy Girls #2

(thanks to Aaron for a few reader contributions)

High School...There we are on a nice sunny day in Longview, throwing a football around in the parking lot after school when I look up and see a black camaro (yeah... I know she drove a camaro, at least it didn't have T-Tops). She had backed out of the parking spot she was in and started revving the engine like she was in some kind of race... turns out she had seen me instead. She gunned it and what did I do???? I just stood there like an idiot and didn't move until she slammed on the brakes and did a four wheel skid and only stopped when she tapped my kneecaps with her bumper... At that point I gave her the finger and walked away. What a great day....

College year 1.... was dating a girl who was a lot of fun at specific times of the day... or night actually. But the rest of the time she was just a tad psycho... She liked to throw things at me and try to beat me up, it didn't work very well nor last very long because I dumped her ass. Of course, I should have known that when I go out with a bunch of co-workers (during the summer) the day I told her to stay the fuck away from me... who would be at my house in the driveway waiting for me when I got home at 2 in the morning???? Cukoo.....

I'll think a little more and get you some others later today...
AK

Crazy Girl #1

This story happened about two years ago. I was single at the time and hitting the bar on a pretty regular basis.
So I am sitting at the Silver Star enjoying some tacos (it was a Tuesday) with a couple of friends. A couple of tables over I notice a girl that works at my bank. The guys I am with know her and wave her on over to the table. She wanders over and leaves her friend by herself at their table. We bullshit a little bit and I ask her what the deal is with her friend. "She's single" she replies.
I wander over to their table and sit down next to the single chick, we'll call her "Liz", and introduce myself. If you know me, you understand how awkward this is for me. I am not known for approaching girls. I usually wait until I know they are interested in me to make a move.
Anyways Liz and I start bullshitting and it seems like we hit it off. I invite her over to our table, she accepts, and we all sit around drinking beer and bullshitting.
A while later my buddies are ready to go. We are all gonna go to my house and drink a little bit more beer and hang out. So Liz and I exchange numbers and I'm on my way. I get home from the Star and not fifteen minutes later, my phone rings. You guessed it, Liz.
She tells me it was nice meeting me and says that they are heading to another bar in town if I'm interested in joining them. I tell them that I'm hanging out with my buddies, but they are more than welcome to come hang out. She is on that shit fast. They were seriously at my house in like ten minutes.
Liz and I bullshit for a while and make plans to go to dinner and maybe see a movie on Friday. After drinking a couple more beers, my buddies all start heading home. Liz and her friend decide that they are gonna go to and I walked them out to their car. Liz and I kiss a little, nothing major.
The next day I'm at work and Liz calls. Wants to make sure we are still on for Friday. Seeing as we just made the plans the night before, I assure her that we are still on. She says cool and chats a little longer before hanging up.
Later on that night, Liz calls again. I like it when a girl is aggressive and all, but shit, I just met this chick. Red flags start popping up.
Thursday, I'm at work and my phone rings. You guessed it, Liz. I don't answer and let it go to voicemail. Later on when I check my messages, I hear a frantic Liz worrying that I've changed my mind about Friday night. More red flags pop up.
After calling her back and chatting with her a while, she mellows out. We bullshit and I ask her how her day was. Out of nowhere she asks if it would be okay if her mom went to dinner with us on Friday. What the fuck? I just met you on Tuesday. She tells me she's told her mom all about me and her mom wants to meet me. You have no idea how much this freaked me out.
I tell her that I'm not quite ready to meet her mom yet (we just fucking met!) and tell her we should just rent a movie and hang out at my place. She is totally down to just hanging out by ourselves.
So she comes over Friday and we eat some dinner and watch a movie. I'm not sure if she's too aggressive or what, but I have decided I don't want to see her anymore. If you know me you know that I am a bit of a pacifist. I am one that tries to avoid confrontation when possible. So instead of telling Liz that I'm not interested I just plan on not calling her and not answering her calls. We finish our movie and I tell her I'm tired. I walk her to the car (do not give her a kiss) and she was on her way.
I left and met my friend Garrett for some beers.
The next morning, I am hung-over. My phone rings at ten in the morning waking me up. Guess who it is? I don't answer and roll over, trying to fall back asleep. Fifteen minutes later my phone rings again. This goes on for about two and a half hours.
Finally, I answer the phone. "Where have you been?"
"I'm hungover and I'm sleeping, I will talk to you later" I tell her.
"When?"
"I don't know........later".
"I thought you were going to bed cause you were tired, why are you hung-over?"
My response to that was the phone hanging up in her ear. You're not my girlfriend, don't guilt-trip me.
My phone rings right back immediately.
I don't answer.
It keeps on ringing, over and over and over for a good half-hour.
My phone finally quits ringing which is great. What is really bad is that Liz comes pulling into my driveway right after my phone quit ringing.
I meet her at the door and tell her that she needs to leave me the fuck alone. Do not come up to my house (especially when you're not invited), don't call, leave me alone. She cried. A lot.
I felt a little bad for about two seconds until I remember that I just met this girl four days ago. If I would've let it slide anymore it would've ended way worse. Remember that all that happened with this girl is a kiss. I'm scared to think what would've happened, had I actually slept with her.

Mmmmmm...... Tacos

Last night, Gus and I headed over to a local bar for some tacos. Every Tuesday the Silver Star has a taco special. Two tacos for one buck is a hell of a deal. I only ate four of them. Plus, they serve alcohol so that's good.
I stopped by and picked up G around 6:30 and we headed to the Star. Our buddy Craig, who we haven't seen in a long time, is in town for a couple of weeks so he came and met us. Craig's in the Navy and stationed in Florida so it was nice to hang out and bullshit with him. Aside from being a seamen, it sounds like Florida is treating him well.
A little while later Mrs. G-Dizzle and the head coach that she coaches with stopped by and enjoyed a little Hefeweizen with us.
Which brings me to point number 3, Hefeweizen is good. Real good.

Cool with it

"It's okay Gene-O, my parents are cool with it."

I'm Bored......

I was sitting at my house last night, drinking a beer, when I realized that I was bored. I didn't feel like watching TV, or playing video games. No, I needed something else to pass my time. Right about then my roommate headed outside for a cigarette. BINGO!
At that moment I realized how my roommate is always doing something. Usually it's smoking. Then I thought about my step-dad and how much he smokes. And he always has something to do.
It was settled. I was going to be a smoker.
So I borrowed a smoke from my good buddy Matt Jones at work. And you know what?
Those things taste like ass.
But I am determined. I am now on the patch. It's a three-step program, but I am doing it in reverse. I'm up to two weeks and on the "medium" patch now. This Saturday I get to step up to the "large" patch. I can't fucking wait.
I figure once I have the patch handled, I'll step up to the gum. I figure that way I'll be able to pump some nicotine into my system when I want. Not when some patch releases it.
And you know what? The gum ain't half bad.... If you like the taste of ashtrays. The best part is giving a piece of gum to an unsuspecting friend. Watch the look on their face as the taste of ashtray covers their mouth. Yummy!
I figure that after a week and a half of gum combined with the patch, I'll be ready to step up to the real thing. I've got July 19th copied on my calendar. Wish me luck.
This guy is my hero.

Going Back To College

I am very pleased to announce that I, Nate B, will be going back to school in the fall. I know that it's been a while since I've had classes to attend (1998 maybe?) but I am sure that I will succeed this time.
And by succeed, I don't mean actually graduating. No, I am going back to succeed in the college lifestyle.
Choosing which college to attend proved to be quite a challenge. But after doing some serious "research", which involved reading Playboy's top party schools list, I narrowed my choices down to U of Arizona, Arizona State, Wazzu or Florida State.
Then I saw the light. And the light said Wichita State University. And I said okay. Why Wichita State you may ask? Strictly because of their mascot. How did they ever get away with "the Shockers"? And not only that, the cheerleaders actually encourage it with hand signals.
Now for those of you that don't know what a shocker is, tough shit. I'm not gonna explain it to you. But the only way this school wouldn't have been my destination in the fall, was if I discovered either the City college of Cleveland "Steamers" or the Boston State "Angry Dragons". WSU, here I come!
I *heart* cheerleaders.
Man I am gonna love college. (Does anybody know where Wichita is?)