Two great stories in one great post

Great Story #1
Hey guess who didn't know that WinCo doesn't take credit cards?
That's right, I rushed into WinCo to pick up some pop for a work BBQ, because even though I have never been there, and don't like the fact that it drove 2 good Market Places out of business in our town, it was the closest and off I went.
I'll be back in 10 minutes right?
Wrong.
First I have to go through their Disneyland line style store to get to the pop. Then I load up a cart. Then I get pissed even more by finding later that two 12 packs are cheaper than one 24 pack. The 12 packs are on a display after you go by all the other items, so either switch em, or bitch about it. I choose the latter because I am in a hurry, so I jump in one of the few open lines without switching them out to save a few bucks, behind the least scummy person who isn't rolling at least two full carts up to the line. (Hey porker, saving $.25 on all your items does not save you money if you buy $50 worth of shit you don't need!)
After the inept checker helps the inept customer in front of me, it is now my turn to be embarrassed and inept, because I only have my credit card, and they don't take them. Oh they take debit, or cash, or checks, or I can use the ATM to withdraw cash, but they don't take my most convenient form of payment, credit card. And the only sign for it is the one next to the debit card machine, which I ignored because it looks like every sign in the world that says we take credit, debit, and cash, but no checks, except they switched the words around to keep it a secret.
So, 10 minute drive and 10 minutes at the store at Fred Meyer, and it only took me 40 minutes to make a 10 minute trip. I now hate WinCo. I also would like to meet the braniac financial minds that think they lose more on Credit Card Fees than they lose on bogus checks, fraud, and the cost of processing all those checks. Plus all the business they lose from people like me, who hate them.

Great Story #2
Subway sells gift cards that they call Subway Cash Cards. You would think that these would be useful for purchasing sandwiches. They even say on the back:

• More Convenient Than Cash
• Use your SUBWAY Card to pay for SUBWAY purchases with a single swipe.
• visit www.mysubwaycard.com, or any participating SUBWAY restaurant to reload your Card or check your balance.

Wellllll, me, myself, and I would like to say "YOU SUCK." Abby and I got this card as a gift from our volleyball team. So we should be talking free sandwiches baby. But the cost in embarrassment and frustration is now way over the $5 or $10 value of this thing. I have been turned down at no less than 5 Subways in Washington and Oregon, and have been carrying this card around for about 3 months now. I stopped trying after the first month, so the total would be a lot higher if A.) I felt like trying more B.) I didn't have a friend with a Quizno's (who I might add accepts their gift certificates at all restaurants) and C.) didn't decide to wait until I could go back to the exact Subway where the card was purchased so that I know it will work.

Oh contraire, monfraire. I got a new hassle. Apparently the card has not been activated. Luckily unlike WinCo, I had enough cash to complete the transaction, and even if I didn't they would have taken a credit card. Otherwise you might be reading about a 28 year old banker from Washington who is sitting in jail with an empty stomach awaiting arraignment. Fuckers.

Luckily I already cleaned out Fred Meyer of their stock of wiffle balls and I have a full case of beer and BBQ stuff for the long weekend, because I don't feel like shopping again til next month.

My Top 25

As I have written on here before, I *heart* my iPod. Never did I think a little piece of electronics would change my life in such a way. Currently I am right around 5600 songs on the bad boy. I am always looking for some new tunes so if anybody reading this out there (all 3 of you) has an suggestions, suggest away! Here are my top 25 as of right now;
Bad Religion, 21st Century (Digital Boy)
"Franks & Beans" audio clip from Something About Mary (hilarious)
Trick Daddy, Let's Roll
cKy, Sink into the underground
the Kinks, Lola
Rolling Stones, Beast of Burden
Tom Petty, Refugee
Jay-Z, 99 Problems
Rolling Stones, Gimme Shelter (quite possibly the greatest song evah)
Rolling Stones, Start Me Up
Velvet Revolver, Slither
Jimi Hendrix All along the Watchtower
Modest Mouse, Ocean breathes salty
Offspring, All I want
Bush, Machinehead (greatest driving song evah)
Modest Mouse, Float on
Rancid, Radio
Rolling Stones, Brown Sugar
Method Man & Redman, da Rockwilder
Rolling Stones, Shattered
Snoop Dogg, Snoop's upside your head
Green Day, When I come around
Beastie Boys, Fight for your right
Rolling Stones, Start me up
The Roots, The seed (2.0)

Damn I knew I liked the Rolling Stones but six out of twenty-five is a little ridiculous. What's on your list?......

My Trip To Cleveland (How I Missed My Flight)

So I have stated in the past that I work for a pretty decent sized plumbing and industrial wholesaler. I mainly do residential plumbing sales with a little bit of commercial plumbing and some industrial mixed in just to make it exciting.
Well a couple of months ago I was selected from the salesmen at my branch to go back to Elyria, Ohio to a major tool manufacturer's headquarters and do some training. The training dealt with how their tools operated and what the major selling points of each tool was. The training was set for Monday through Thursday of this week.
Monday was supposed to be a simple travel day. Not for Nate. I woke up at 5 am that morning and hit the shower, knowing it would wake me up. J9 accompanied me to the airport in Portland which is about 45 minutes away. I made it to the airport in time to meet up with a couple of guys from our Portland branch that were also attending the training. We all boarded the plane headed for beautifully overcast Phoenix, Arizona. We were supposed to have a one hour layover in Phoenix and then board the flight for Cleveland. This is where things turned from good to not so good.
We landed in Phoenix and I proceeded to hit the pisser. Afterwards I tried to meet up with the other guys at the Fox Sports Bar. Worst. Bar. Ever.
A little backstory; About a year ago a law was passed in Washington state making it illegal to smoke in public places that are indoor. Bars, Restaurants, and whathaveyou all stopped being smokey and stinky. Verdict: Awesome!
Anyhoo, the people of Phoenix aren't really concerned with the quality of their air. This bar was packed with the oldest bar crowd I have ever seen smoking cigarettes like they were outlawing them at the end of the hour. The guys I was with, being smokers themselves, thought nothing wrong with this and headed into the bar.
Me myself and I hit up the smoke free Gordon Beirsch right down for the Fox Smoke Bar and enjoyed one of the worst $7 pints in the history of man. After such a tasty beverage, I was capital H hungry. Pizza Hut, here I come.
After devouring a personal sized pepperoni I was thirsty again. Not wanting another crappy $7 brewski I hit up the local Starbucks a.k.a. The Dark Side.
If these motherfuckers knew how to make a caramel Frappacino I would've been in Cleveland at 6 pm, Ohio time. When did I get there? I'm getting there, keep your pants on! (except you Jessica Alba)
So anyways I'm walking out of Starbucks and happen to glance up to see:

CLEVELAND : DEPARTED

FUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!

I ran faster than a crackhead with a Franklin towards gate A18. My flight was gone. I headed back up the walkway and found Customer Service. They didn't have another flight going to Cleveland until 6 am the next morning. Problem? I had training starting at 8 am. With the four hour flight and the three hour time change I just don't think I could make that.
I told them I had to be there at that time and they decided to re-route me through Sin City. Five hours later.... And then I had a three hour layover in Vegas before making my way to Cleveland.
After talking to my step-sister, who just so happens to live in Vegas, I had them change my flight there to another that was two hours earlier. I was to arrive in Vegas about a half hour after Jill got off work.
She came and picked me up, we went and had dinner, hung out at her place and then she took me back to the airport.
I arrived at the gate for my flight to Cleveland about a half hour early and easily made it onto my plane after taking two Tylenol PM's to make me sleep. Well the drunken teenager behind me had other ideas. He kept yelling to his buddies "Rectum.............. Hell it just about Killed 'em" which he followed with the most annoying laughter evah.
I was able to get a couple of hours of sleep, arriving in Cleveland at 6 am. The tool company's rep. picked me up at the airport about a half hour after that and we were off to the hotel. I made it there in time to wash my face, brush my teeth, drop off my bags, and throw on my steel-toed boots and head to training.
What did I learn from this experience? Only go to the Tilted Kilt in the Rio. Not the stand alone.

Longview and Dilbert

First off, I was driving through town, and realized how nice it is to live in such a green part of the world. Its really nice hear, with lots of trees along the lake I live by, so I took a few pics.
Also, if you read Dilbert, and/or the Dilbert blog and newsletter, you can appreciate this from the most recent newsletter:
There’s no such thing as a Dogbert Award, but when I heard this story from a reader, I thought that maybe there should be. “I have a student whose vocabulary is rather impressive. He annoys his classmates by answering questions in such a way that they have no idea what he has just said. Finally one student had had enough and asked why his classmate couldn't say things so other people could understand him. Without missing a beat the student shot back "Because I don't speak retard!" My immediate reaction was that the entire school year had been an elaborate set up for that punchline.

Nate Bullcock's Escape From Jail

Nate escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous even though he looks kinda scrawny. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Voodoo

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right...Voodoo Penis, my ass."




The rest is history...

Wiffle Ball pics

Here are a few pics from last Thursday, just to show you we mean business. They are not as cool as Kick Ball pics (Gina knows about this), but they are proof that we exist. Kinda.

#1 Alex getting ready to hit a double. Commishoner N8 and his scorekeeper Matt in the background, as well as our new signee, Garrett relieving himself to the left...

#2 A close up of the Commish and his scorebeeachhh. True athletes...

#3 That's me, with a vote of no confidence in Phil's pitching, because he walked me again...

#4 The commish taking batting practice. He really ripped that last one...

LEAVE A COMMENT.......

Us here at NOSE have noticed a dramatic increase in readership but nobody seems to want to leave a comment. What the dilly folks? We rely on your comments to let us know how shitty we truly are. So please leave a comment, and if you get a chance check out the wiffleball page. That is all.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

good weekend and summer movies

Well, now that volleyball is over, I didn't have to volunteer any time this weekend (if you don't count Friday afternoon with the Lions club). So what did I do? I drank Corona and Pacifico on Friday. Then I did this again Saturday, as well as watched Mission Impossible 3 with Abby. Then Sunday our wiffle ball games got rained out, so I drank a few beers watching Nate's team try to play a game through the rain and still hit 4 home runs and demolish Hewey's team. Then it was off to finally try Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter on the Xbox360.

This weekend was the first time in almost 2 months that I had time to play video games. And it was good. I think I am going to get an HD TV just so I can see this game and a few others on a bigger clearer screen. The 360 rocks. And as you can see from my Gamer tag down to the left, they also have previews of upcoming movies, including Nacho Libre, with Jack Black, MI3, which made me go see it Saturday, and X3, which comes out this month. I might actually see some movies this summer, as MI3 was a good experience, very loud with lots of shooting and explosions, and X3 looks good, and you gotta see Jack Black movies, and Nacho Libre looks funny as hell. Speaking of Hell, there is a new Omen movie coming out. The kid in that xbox360 preview looks just a little scary staring at you in that red coat and shorts. This picture is him, and you can see the red tie, but if you have the means, see the 360 preview. And it comes out on 6-6-6, which is a cool (i.e. scary) idea.

Now tonight a little practice wiffle ball maybe after Lions, then some makeup games tomorrow. Check out our stats if you want. Cowlitz county wiffleball association

Happy Cinco de Drinco

Here's hoping this picture resembles your dinner tonight, or breakfast tomorrow, or whatever.

Also, here's hoping that less than half of you get the squirts from all the Mexican Food and Beer. I know Smoot will be leaving a porcelin imprint on that big ol butt of his tomorrow, and hope that not too many of you follow him into the throneroom.

And to all these alleged "girls" he keeps getting to hang out with, since Damien scares all the dudes away from their get togethers, I hope you enjoy your visits to NOSE, and feel free to comment. Comments make us feel important. And the more embarassing stuff you can share about Todd's drunken exploits, the better.

And for those of you finding your way here via Smooty's email..
Everyone knows that I am funnier than Todd. Todd will just have to live with that knowledge, and that rumor about his huge penis. Everyone hates it when that rumor gets spread about you.

The Coma Patient

A woman was in a coma for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough,there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened - telling him "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined ..no pulse, no heartbeat.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said "I'm not sure... maybe she choked."

random question

Everyone by now has seen these self-important assholes who wear their cell-phones on their belts and my question is this.

What is the main driving force behind wearing their phone here?

What are your thoughts?

• Is it just because they want you to see it?
• Do they really think it is handier than having it their pocket?
• Do they feel like gunslingers from the old west?
• Do they not realize that they look like complete tools, or am I alone in that opinion?
• Do they have really small penises?

Only 4 more days until Cinco de Drinco!

And here are some more pictures for you to enjoy!

Wiffle Ball

Wiffle Ball If you live near me and Nate, you should be playing in our wiffle ball league. If you do not, you can at least see how good we are at it because Nate keeps stats and everything. And if you have your own league or sports team, you check out the site because league lineups.com is pretty cool for tracking your league or team, and its free.

Also, for those of you loyal readers out there, I apologize for the lack of posts lately. Life has been in the way for all three of us. We are ashamed, but will make no special effort to rectify the situation.

(The previous message was written purely to say a word that sounds like rectum.)

Photo of the Week

Nothing beats an ice cold Pabst. Especially if you can get ahold of Pabst glasses to drink it out of like I have...

p.s. I am totally growing my hair out like this guy.

I know its a little early, but...

Cinco de Mayo is the widely commemorated Mexican holiday celebrated in honor of the Mexican army's victory over the French in the Battle of Puebla in 1867. While properly a Mexican celebration, it has become increasingly popular in the U.S., especially in areas bordering Mexico.
The festive spirit of the day is observed with food, folkloric dancing, music and parades.

Cinco de Drinco is the widely commemorated name for the same holiday that involves much of the same thing, except you replace folkloric dancing with drinking, and music and parades with drinking.

This year will be my 9th or 10th Cinco de Drinco (I can't remember if I made that up at 19 or 20?), but the first annual Cinco de Drinco held at our house in our newly remodeled back yard will be three Fridays from now. It will also be preparation for our 6th annual 4th of July Party. And this year I have the week off again and will be just back from Mexico at the end of June (and possibly Montana for a wedding on the 1st), so get ready for a new tradition in only its 2nd year, Go 3rd. Beer Gardens on the 3rd, followed by 3 more days of partying with Go 4th at our house and the Lake, Abby's birthday the 5th, and mine the 6th. The hot tub will be fired up at all occasions, with plenty of beer, BBQ, and four-square for all.

Ping Pong and fun weekends

If you didn't have a good enough reason to buy an Xbox360 before, now you do. That's right. Ping Pong.

On another note, I had a good weekend.
Golf on Thursday with Dad. Some drinking.
Dad's birthday party on Friday. Much drinking.
Blazer game and then visiting Porky's for Easter weekend drinking.
Easter followed by seeing Larry the Cable Guy live in Portland. Very funny, as was his lead in PJ Walsh . I highly recommend the Git-R-Done tour if you get a chance to see it.

And speaking of fun weekends, N8 is planning a whiffleball league, so if you are in the area, make sure and get signed up.

WA quarter

The Simpsons have a movie in the works. Which is nice.

Also, you can vote for the design for the Washington quarter, to make sure that sucky 3rd design doesn't win...

http://www.governor.wa.gov/quarter/default.asp

And lastly, I like beer. Dark Beer, Lite Beer, Hefeweizen, Amber, IPA, Stout, Budweiser, Coors, Pyramid, Rolling Rock, Widmer, Fat Tire, Guinness, Kirin-Ichiban, Henry's, Busch, Ale, Black and Tan, Arogant Bastard, Corona, MacNJacks, Harps...man, I'm getting thirsty already and its not even lunch time.

the Pharmacist

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Fun with Computers

What is your biggest complaint about computers? What is your biggest praise for computers?

For me (and I am sure Smooty can eleborate, as he is in I.T.) the biggest complaint has to be people that do not, or will not, read error messages, help menus, or instructions. How many problems that some schmuck asking for your help has had are solved when you force them to read the instructions on screen and follow them.

HEY ASSHOLE, IF THE MESSAGE SAYS THAT THE SCREEN CAN NOT BE OPENED BECAUSE YOU HAVE POP-UPS DISABLED, MAYBE YOU SHOULD FOLLOW THE PROMPTS AND DISABLE POP-UPS FOR THAT SITE INSTEAD OF GETTING FRUSTRATED AND CALLING I.T!!! Am I right Smoot or what?

Also, I would prefer that people who spam and hack computers (so that my fucking computer at home takes 5 minutes to load because of all the spyware and background programs in the world before I can access a program) could be put in prison with the rapists so they can feel pain on the same level as the pain that this causes me.

On the plus side, I am a big fan of time-wasting sites on the internet and wish that it was my job to look at them or design them, kind of like a web-nanny from that movie 40 Days with Josh Hartnett. Nothing beats reading wastes of space like this blog and then creating your own.

Quick joke

Thought for the day:
If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Also, I heard the funniest line of the month when watching part of Fever Pitch last night.
Jimmy Fallon's buddies are forcing him to take a shower after he goes on a Bill Buckner tape-watching binge, and he looks down and one guy appears to be cleaning his "equipment," and he says "what are you doing?" the guys says, "Don't worry, I'm a doctor." And he says, "Yeah, but why are you shaving my balls Doc?"