Happy Cinco de Drinco

Here's hoping this picture resembles your dinner tonight, or breakfast tomorrow, or whatever.

Also, here's hoping that less than half of you get the squirts from all the Mexican Food and Beer. I know Smoot will be leaving a porcelin imprint on that big ol butt of his tomorrow, and hope that not too many of you follow him into the throneroom.

And to all these alleged "girls" he keeps getting to hang out with, since Damien scares all the dudes away from their get togethers, I hope you enjoy your visits to NOSE, and feel free to comment. Comments make us feel important. And the more embarassing stuff you can share about Todd's drunken exploits, the better.

And for those of you finding your way here via Smooty's email..
Everyone knows that I am funnier than Todd. Todd will just have to live with that knowledge, and that rumor about his huge penis. Everyone hates it when that rumor gets spread about you.

The Coma Patient

A woman was in a coma for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough,there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened - telling him "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined ..no pulse, no heartbeat.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said "I'm not sure... maybe she choked."

random question

Everyone by now has seen these self-important assholes who wear their cell-phones on their belts and my question is this.

What is the main driving force behind wearing their phone here?

What are your thoughts?

• Is it just because they want you to see it?
• Do they really think it is handier than having it their pocket?
• Do they feel like gunslingers from the old west?
• Do they not realize that they look like complete tools, or am I alone in that opinion?
• Do they have really small penises?

Only 4 more days until Cinco de Drinco!

And here are some more pictures for you to enjoy!

Wiffle Ball

Wiffle Ball If you live near me and Nate, you should be playing in our wiffle ball league. If you do not, you can at least see how good we are at it because Nate keeps stats and everything. And if you have your own league or sports team, you check out the site because league lineups.com is pretty cool for tracking your league or team, and its free.

Also, for those of you loyal readers out there, I apologize for the lack of posts lately. Life has been in the way for all three of us. We are ashamed, but will make no special effort to rectify the situation.

(The previous message was written purely to say a word that sounds like rectum.)

Photo of the Week

Nothing beats an ice cold Pabst. Especially if you can get ahold of Pabst glasses to drink it out of like I have...

p.s. I am totally growing my hair out like this guy.

I know its a little early, but...

Cinco de Mayo is the widely commemorated Mexican holiday celebrated in honor of the Mexican army's victory over the French in the Battle of Puebla in 1867. While properly a Mexican celebration, it has become increasingly popular in the U.S., especially in areas bordering Mexico.
The festive spirit of the day is observed with food, folkloric dancing, music and parades.

Cinco de Drinco is the widely commemorated name for the same holiday that involves much of the same thing, except you replace folkloric dancing with drinking, and music and parades with drinking.

This year will be my 9th or 10th Cinco de Drinco (I can't remember if I made that up at 19 or 20?), but the first annual Cinco de Drinco held at our house in our newly remodeled back yard will be three Fridays from now. It will also be preparation for our 6th annual 4th of July Party. And this year I have the week off again and will be just back from Mexico at the end of June (and possibly Montana for a wedding on the 1st), so get ready for a new tradition in only its 2nd year, Go 3rd. Beer Gardens on the 3rd, followed by 3 more days of partying with Go 4th at our house and the Lake, Abby's birthday the 5th, and mine the 6th. The hot tub will be fired up at all occasions, with plenty of beer, BBQ, and four-square for all.

Ping Pong and fun weekends

If you didn't have a good enough reason to buy an Xbox360 before, now you do. That's right. Ping Pong.

On another note, I had a good weekend.
Golf on Thursday with Dad. Some drinking.
Dad's birthday party on Friday. Much drinking.
Blazer game and then visiting Porky's for Easter weekend drinking.
Easter followed by seeing Larry the Cable Guy live in Portland. Very funny, as was his lead in PJ Walsh . I highly recommend the Git-R-Done tour if you get a chance to see it.

And speaking of fun weekends, N8 is planning a whiffleball league, so if you are in the area, make sure and get signed up.

WA quarter

The Simpsons have a movie in the works. Which is nice.

Also, you can vote for the design for the Washington quarter, to make sure that sucky 3rd design doesn't win...

http://www.governor.wa.gov/quarter/default.asp

And lastly, I like beer. Dark Beer, Lite Beer, Hefeweizen, Amber, IPA, Stout, Budweiser, Coors, Pyramid, Rolling Rock, Widmer, Fat Tire, Guinness, Kirin-Ichiban, Henry's, Busch, Ale, Black and Tan, Arogant Bastard, Corona, MacNJacks, Harps...man, I'm getting thirsty already and its not even lunch time.

the Pharmacist

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Fun with Computers

What is your biggest complaint about computers? What is your biggest praise for computers?

For me (and I am sure Smooty can eleborate, as he is in I.T.) the biggest complaint has to be people that do not, or will not, read error messages, help menus, or instructions. How many problems that some schmuck asking for your help has had are solved when you force them to read the instructions on screen and follow them.

HEY ASSHOLE, IF THE MESSAGE SAYS THAT THE SCREEN CAN NOT BE OPENED BECAUSE YOU HAVE POP-UPS DISABLED, MAYBE YOU SHOULD FOLLOW THE PROMPTS AND DISABLE POP-UPS FOR THAT SITE INSTEAD OF GETTING FRUSTRATED AND CALLING I.T!!! Am I right Smoot or what?

Also, I would prefer that people who spam and hack computers (so that my fucking computer at home takes 5 minutes to load because of all the spyware and background programs in the world before I can access a program) could be put in prison with the rapists so they can feel pain on the same level as the pain that this causes me.

On the plus side, I am a big fan of time-wasting sites on the internet and wish that it was my job to look at them or design them, kind of like a web-nanny from that movie 40 Days with Josh Hartnett. Nothing beats reading wastes of space like this blog and then creating your own.

Quick joke

Thought for the day:
If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Also, I heard the funniest line of the month when watching part of Fever Pitch last night.
Jimmy Fallon's buddies are forcing him to take a shower after he goes on a Bill Buckner tape-watching binge, and he looks down and one guy appears to be cleaning his "equipment," and he says "what are you doing?" the guys says, "Don't worry, I'm a doctor." And he says, "Yeah, but why are you shaving my balls Doc?"

Work Sucks, March Madness, Cleveland, Wiffle-Ball, iPods, Myspace

So this week has been one of the busiest weeks evah for me here at work. Monday and Tuesday I had meetings in Portland and didn't get back to town either day til about 6 or so. And the rest of the week here at my office has been so busy that for the ten hours I am here, I have actually been doing work. What's up with that?

Congrats go to Shaun Campbell who held on to win the first annual NOSE/RRR March Madness Pick 'Em. Your t-shirt will be to you soon buddy. I just need to find a place to get one printed because the one I found on-line had a minimum order of six t-shirts. And I figured having six people with "champion" shirts out of a ten person pool was kinda brokeback. The real reason is I didn't want Emily to get a shirt (don't tell her that though).

So I am gonna be heading to the land of the Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame here in May. I was selected out of the salesmen of my branch to go on a training trip to the Ridgid Tool headquarters and I am so happy about it that I just pissed in my pants a little bit. So they fly me out to Cleveland, put me up in a hotel a couple of days, and teach me about Ridgid tools. They also take us the the R'nR HoF and a Cleveland Indians game. It should be pretty cool.

Matt Jones of Jackmove fame and I are getting ready to get our inaugural season of Wiffle-Ball under way. If you live in SW Washington and would be interested in playing leave me a comment with you e-mail addy and I will definitely get a hold of you. It should be a lot of fun drinking beers, hanging out, and striking Matt Jones out numerous times. We had one tourney last year and it was a blast.

So I am approaching the 5,000 song mark on my iPod. I probably haven't even listed to about a quarter of the songs I have on there but it's still nice to have 'em. Currently I have been rocking out to some Bad Religion. If you have any suggestions of tunes I may like, leave me a comment and I will check them out.

Last night I logged onto my myspace.com account and noticed that I just passed the 100 friend mark. I feel so fuckin popular that I went and roughed up the suspect right there. I'd like to give a shout-out to Red Red Rine, who was my 100th friend. Thanks for the ego boost.

Great post

Check this out from one of my favorite blogs.
http://porktornado.diaryland.com/upssucks.html
Dusty got screwed at work because UPS didn't get a package to his boss on time. The letter that he writes to them is awesome.

And I was just watching the Mets beat the Washington team (what the fuck is their name???) and saw a sweet arguing match between the Washington coach and the ump. It was just like old Tommy Lasorda arguing matches. It was sweet.

Automobiiiillle?

Dooooonnnggggg? Where is my Automobile?

Automobiiillle?

Crash...Lake...Big Lake.

More Golf Jokes

First off, condolences to Tricia, whose fellow sonic dancers barely lost to the King's dance team. That Sucks.

As for golf jokes...

Golf
A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball.
She hacks it 10 feet; goes over and hacks it another 10 feet, then hacks it another 10 feet.
She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those f----ing lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replied, "Well, you know, that's your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead."
To this day, his grave marker stands next to that tee box

and Joke #2

It seems there is a foursomes of men teeing off on Saturday morning. The last one gets up on the ladies tee goes through an elaborate pre-shot routine and addresses the ball. As he is about to swing the starter comes on the loudspeaker and announces, "Will the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the men's tee?" The man backs away from the ball and starts his routine over. As he addresses the ball the loud speaker crackles again, "Will the man on the ladies tee move back to the men's tee, PLEASE?" The man shakes his head, backs away and starts the routine all over again. Just as he addresses the ball and is about to swing the loud speaker crackles again, "PLEASE! WILL THE GUY ON THE WOMEN'S TEE KINDLY MOVE BACK TO THE MEN'S TEE!" The golfer shakes his head and yells, "WILL THE STARTER KINDLY SHUT UP AND LET ME HIT MY SECOND SHOT!"

and I just got back from Wine Tasting in Walla Walla all day Sunday, and then a nice leisurly drive back the Washington side of the Columbia with Abby and a few more wineries on Sunday. I will get some pictures on the net this week I hope. Man I spent a lot of money...but boy do they make some good wine in Walla Walla.

March Madness & Work Sucks

So it looks like Mr. Shaun Campbell is most likely gonna win the 1st annual NOSE/RRR March Madness Tournament pick 'em. Congratulations Shaun on an amazing first round and following it up with some solid couple of rounds. Mr. Tasker is sitting in third place and has a possible chance of pulling it out with a win by UCLA. And that could very well happen with how the rest of this tourney is playing out. The boys here at NOSE both scored higher than our buddy Emily over at Red Red Rine so let the shit-talking begin.
Work as been extremely brokeback this week. One of our counter salesman blew out his knee a couple of weeks ago. He's been wearing a brace on it and to the doctor a couple of times and the doc decided he needed to operate. So Bob (totally a fake name) is home recouping from surgery. Guess who gets to work his job? And still have all of my regular responsibilities too. I've been so tired every night this week that I go home, watch TV for a couple of hours and usually fall asleep on the couch.
I probably won't be writing much for the next week so I will leave you with what could possibly be the most racist robot joke evah. Hope you enjoy it.
A business man is in a new town where they just built a brand new, five-star golf course. The business man goes to the golf course and approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddy."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." The robot caddy turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole, thanks to the robot and his advice.
But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddy.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"
The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next time I am in town."
A couple of weeks pass, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.
Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said,"I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the hell could've complained about those robots? They were incredible."
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for unemployment, and the other two robbed the pro shop."

The finals

Two sets of finals going on.
The first is VOTE NOW for Tricia and the sonic dancers trying to make it to the finals.

The second is of course the NCAA that we all have no chance at because of all the Sweet! upsets. Any side bets on the remaining teams from the NOSE/RED RED RINE fans? I'm going with Florida and Noah and that WNBA fro hes got going on.

Also, I will be on hiatias (or how ever you say vacation in a cool way these days) while over in Walla Walla on Saturday, and although wine-induced posts are very funny, I probably wont have internet while in a 12 passenger limo/van and hitting up my 5th or 6th winery. And since hangovers and being awake don't mix, don't expect a post Sunday either. Smoot and Nate, its up to you to not let both our readers down...

And Smoot, sorry, but you didn't win the raffle either.

Mind of Mencia

Smooty introduced me to Carlos Mencia last year. And I was just lucky enough to catch the new Mind of Mencia on Comedy Central. And that show is one of the best shows on TV. Hey made fun of Kanye West, and had some huge chicks and midgets dancing at the end of the show...absolutely hilarious. Thank you Smoot for starting down the path.

and then, a commercial for David Spade's ShowBiz News. "Michael Jackson's 2,600 sq ft Neverland Ranch closed this week. It's 15 years old, so I guess he's just not attracted to it anymore..." That's awesome. I need to watch more Comedy Central.

Oh yeah, on another note, I held the drawing for the Xbox360 and the other prizes in our Volleyball Club's raffle. Nate, you didn't win. But I held the auction during the 18s division practice, and found out that I may be out of shape, but I can still hit the ball almost as hard as half their team...of 17 year old girls, so I got that going for me. And I even blocked one...But shit, these girls are taller than me, so I feel pretty good about that.

The Broken Printer

A coworker got a pen stuck inside our printer.

He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to maintenance. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of the maintenance guy's comes in laughing and says he was just in the office, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to........

Funny stuff, and the egg

First of all, some quotes to read, so they don't have to keep going around the email chain:

• "I feel so miserable without you. It's almost like having you here." --Stephen Bishop
• "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." --John Bright (this is about Todd)
• "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --Winston Churchill
• "He had delusions of adequacy." --Walter Kerr (Again, about Todd)
• "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --Groucho Marx
• "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --Mark Twain
• "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --Oscar Wilde (this is Ahn)

And then another funny list from Alex:
How to Make a Woman Happy-
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
a friend
a companion
a lover
a brother
a father
a master
a chef
an electrician
a carpenter
a plumber
a mechanic
a decorator
a stylist
a sexologist
a gynecologist
a psychologist
a pest exterminator
a psychiatrist
a healer
etc. etc. (there is a lot more, but you get the idea)

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY- It's not difficult:
1. Show up naked 2. Bring beer

-Egg Found And for those of you in the area that read the paper, The Daily News had an easter egg hunt going, with daily clues in the paper to where the $1,000 egg was located. And after a couple weeks of good clues that sounded like the egg was at the Lake in the center of town (Longview), it was in fact located in some park I have never heard of in Castle Rock. I would like to be the first to say THAT IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. If 80% of your readers live in one area, don't make a prize available to 8% that live 20 miles North. I had never even heard of the place they found the egg, and I am sure I am not in the minority of people that thought "that sucks." I did however appreciate that a couple of "pranksters" (as the paper called them) took my idea and hid some fake eggs around town. That's awesome.