Golfing, rain or shine

Well...it's Friday. And I approach another weekend where I have plans to play golf. Which is a good feeling, except for the 2nd time this spring, I have plans to play when it is supposed to rain. Last time it was at Trophy Lake in Port Orchard a few weeks back at James' 1st Annual Cabin Trip and Golf (weather permitting). The weather turned out to be sunburn-beautiful instead of raining as expected, and I spent a good 36 hours or so drinking, golfing, playing cards, and catching up with some college buddies that I usually only get to talk to via email or cell phone. It was great, and the weather was exactly like the website pictures.This time it is at Heron Lakes in Portland, and it is for the wife's family reunion and the 6th annual (I think) Fergie Fest Family Golf Tournament. Am I lucky enough to have the weather hold off and look like the picture below? Or will the forescast of rain only in the PM be off and I will get drenched? Let's hope for some sunbreaks so I can enjoy another year's win.

edit: Speaking of rain and sports, I have decided long ago living in the Pacific NW that rain won't stop me from playing sports. It has to be a frickin storm, and windy and raining to the point of not enjoying myself anymore to keep me from playing. A buddy (Bo) wouldn't come play wiffleball the other day because it was barely raining. Does that make him a pussy, or me crazy? (And does it change your answer to know that the rain stopped in the 1st inning?)

Pizza or beer

I had an epiphany today.

If you had to give up either pizza or beer, which would you choose?

My epiphany was that I would give up beer. I didn't realize how much I really loved pizza until the exact moment I decided that. Crazy.

But since I don't have to choose, I think I will go get another slice of free pizza from the lunch room, and later I will have a couple of free beers before I go home after another 9-10 hour day. Hey, no matter how busy you are, there is always a bright side. Usually.

Flushing a shut-out down the drain

I know it's only wiffleball, but it still hurts to have a shut-out going into the 6th and final inning, and having the wind pick up just a little bit, and getting shelled for 7 runs. You would think our manager would pull me, and put Tyler* in, but as I am the manager and was the one that couldn't get Phil to swing at a strike if the game depended on it (which it did), and I am stupid, I stood there like a stubborn bitch until my arm hurt (yes, from wiffleball, screw you) and pitched until I got the 3rd out.

And to make matters worse, I got robbed of a home run in the game for the second time this season. Uhh...crap, I had something else to say, but am now fuming about dropping that game and not hitting a home run in the last at bat to tie the game, that I can't even think straight.

*yes there were only 2 of us playing, which is part of the reason we couldn't stop some of the multitude of hits

the Letter "D"

If you haven't been checking out D's blog you should. Especially today. It is outfuckinstanding.

Rainy Days of Wiffleball

So we played wiffleball on Sunday. Probably not the best idea with the scattered showers and all. Before our game we started of with a little home run derby tournament that was won by the one-and-only Erik Guttormsen. Congrats Gus.
The rain really didn't affect the home run derby that much, except for batted balls that should've been a homerun but just died right next to the fence. I had at least three of them myself.
The rain did affect the regular game. It's very hard to pitch from a muddy mound and to bat in a mud-filled batter's box. I tried pitching a couple of innings and I got shelled, walking a few and giving up a couple of runs. And the other team was killing me with their pitching. I couldn't hit my way out of a wet paper bag. Final score: 17-11.
It wasn't that bad, I mean we only lost by a touchdown.

roped in

DAMMIT!

Why don't I take my own advice? After those horrible shopping experiences, and promising myself I won't shop til next month, I drive by Hollywood Video and see 5 DVDs for $20. I think "finally, the best sale yet." I am in the wrong lane, so I go through the intersection, take the next available left...and can't fucking turn left again because there is too much traffic. So I turn right, go another block, turn left and through a parking lot, and back on to that street headed back to Hollywood.

And what do I get for my extra trouble of 4 minutes worth of driving to go essentially 50 yards? The DVDs are 3 for $30, except for one fucking rack of DVDs from late 2005. "So I can pick 5 of the 9 choices?" Fuck you.

If I hadn't been wearing my work shirt and easily identifiable as someone working only 2 blocks away, they would have got a nice big "POOKIE, LET'S BURN THIS MOTHER FUCKER DOWN!" Bastards. Next time I go shopping I am purposely peeing on the floor next to the toilet.

weekend time

That is awesome. I want some non-monetary compensation. I was thinking golf, but punching people would be fun too. Or wackin em with my wiffleball bat.

And if anyone could please turn off the rain for the weekend, that would be nice. Our wiffleball game got rained out (yes we are wussies) and hope to play this weekend and have the kegger, I mean all star game, and need to not be raining.

And tons of movies coming out. I want to see X3 , and Abby wants to see DaVinci Code, which I have not read yet. Is it as good as everyone says?

3 flushes

You know you are having a good day, when 2 flushes just isn't enough.

And it's definitely better than days where you blow mud so loud and so fast that you scare the cat.

Wiffleball

As you have heard on here before Gus and I are participating in the first season of the Cowlitz County Wiffleball Association. We are just about to the halfway point of the season, save for two games that will be played tomorrow and Friday night. This weekend we are having our All-Star game / Homerun Derby / Kegger. If you are in the Longview/Kelso area this weekend and want to drink some beer and have a good time watching some wiffleball, Jones field in Kelso is the place to be. There are directions on the CCWA homepage so you know where to go and the festivities will be getting under way at about 1 in the afternoon. A keg cup will run you five bones and there are rumors of maybe having a little BBQ action. And Mike Jones will be there. No, not the rapper Mike Jones from Houston, but the one and only Mike Jones with his nuts pierced. That alone is worth the price of admission*.
So you should all come out and have some fun and drink some beer. Erik and I will both be participating in the derby and the game. We are both playing on the same team, so the opposition is pretty much doomed from the get-go.

*admission is free, and seeing Mike Jones is definitely worth that

Two great stories in one great post

Great Story #1
Hey guess who didn't know that WinCo doesn't take credit cards?
That's right, I rushed into WinCo to pick up some pop for a work BBQ, because even though I have never been there, and don't like the fact that it drove 2 good Market Places out of business in our town, it was the closest and off I went.
I'll be back in 10 minutes right?
Wrong.
First I have to go through their Disneyland line style store to get to the pop. Then I load up a cart. Then I get pissed even more by finding later that two 12 packs are cheaper than one 24 pack. The 12 packs are on a display after you go by all the other items, so either switch em, or bitch about it. I choose the latter because I am in a hurry, so I jump in one of the few open lines without switching them out to save a few bucks, behind the least scummy person who isn't rolling at least two full carts up to the line. (Hey porker, saving $.25 on all your items does not save you money if you buy $50 worth of shit you don't need!)
After the inept checker helps the inept customer in front of me, it is now my turn to be embarrassed and inept, because I only have my credit card, and they don't take them. Oh they take debit, or cash, or checks, or I can use the ATM to withdraw cash, but they don't take my most convenient form of payment, credit card. And the only sign for it is the one next to the debit card machine, which I ignored because it looks like every sign in the world that says we take credit, debit, and cash, but no checks, except they switched the words around to keep it a secret.
So, 10 minute drive and 10 minutes at the store at Fred Meyer, and it only took me 40 minutes to make a 10 minute trip. I now hate WinCo. I also would like to meet the braniac financial minds that think they lose more on Credit Card Fees than they lose on bogus checks, fraud, and the cost of processing all those checks. Plus all the business they lose from people like me, who hate them.

Great Story #2
Subway sells gift cards that they call Subway Cash Cards. You would think that these would be useful for purchasing sandwiches. They even say on the back:

• More Convenient Than Cash
• Use your SUBWAY Card to pay for SUBWAY purchases with a single swipe.
• visit www.mysubwaycard.com, or any participating SUBWAY restaurant to reload your Card or check your balance.

Wellllll, me, myself, and I would like to say "YOU SUCK." Abby and I got this card as a gift from our volleyball team. So we should be talking free sandwiches baby. But the cost in embarrassment and frustration is now way over the $5 or $10 value of this thing. I have been turned down at no less than 5 Subways in Washington and Oregon, and have been carrying this card around for about 3 months now. I stopped trying after the first month, so the total would be a lot higher if A.) I felt like trying more B.) I didn't have a friend with a Quizno's (who I might add accepts their gift certificates at all restaurants) and C.) didn't decide to wait until I could go back to the exact Subway where the card was purchased so that I know it will work.

Oh contraire, monfraire. I got a new hassle. Apparently the card has not been activated. Luckily unlike WinCo, I had enough cash to complete the transaction, and even if I didn't they would have taken a credit card. Otherwise you might be reading about a 28 year old banker from Washington who is sitting in jail with an empty stomach awaiting arraignment. Fuckers.

Luckily I already cleaned out Fred Meyer of their stock of wiffle balls and I have a full case of beer and BBQ stuff for the long weekend, because I don't feel like shopping again til next month.

My Top 25

As I have written on here before, I *heart* my iPod. Never did I think a little piece of electronics would change my life in such a way. Currently I am right around 5600 songs on the bad boy. I am always looking for some new tunes so if anybody reading this out there (all 3 of you) has an suggestions, suggest away! Here are my top 25 as of right now;
Bad Religion, 21st Century (Digital Boy)
"Franks & Beans" audio clip from Something About Mary (hilarious)
Trick Daddy, Let's Roll
cKy, Sink into the underground
the Kinks, Lola
Rolling Stones, Beast of Burden
Tom Petty, Refugee
Jay-Z, 99 Problems
Rolling Stones, Gimme Shelter (quite possibly the greatest song evah)
Rolling Stones, Start Me Up
Velvet Revolver, Slither
Jimi Hendrix All along the Watchtower
Modest Mouse, Ocean breathes salty
Offspring, All I want
Bush, Machinehead (greatest driving song evah)
Modest Mouse, Float on
Rancid, Radio
Rolling Stones, Brown Sugar
Method Man & Redman, da Rockwilder
Rolling Stones, Shattered
Snoop Dogg, Snoop's upside your head
Green Day, When I come around
Beastie Boys, Fight for your right
Rolling Stones, Start me up
The Roots, The seed (2.0)

Damn I knew I liked the Rolling Stones but six out of twenty-five is a little ridiculous. What's on your list?......

My Trip To Cleveland (How I Missed My Flight)

So I have stated in the past that I work for a pretty decent sized plumbing and industrial wholesaler. I mainly do residential plumbing sales with a little bit of commercial plumbing and some industrial mixed in just to make it exciting.
Well a couple of months ago I was selected from the salesmen at my branch to go back to Elyria, Ohio to a major tool manufacturer's headquarters and do some training. The training dealt with how their tools operated and what the major selling points of each tool was. The training was set for Monday through Thursday of this week.
Monday was supposed to be a simple travel day. Not for Nate. I woke up at 5 am that morning and hit the shower, knowing it would wake me up. J9 accompanied me to the airport in Portland which is about 45 minutes away. I made it to the airport in time to meet up with a couple of guys from our Portland branch that were also attending the training. We all boarded the plane headed for beautifully overcast Phoenix, Arizona. We were supposed to have a one hour layover in Phoenix and then board the flight for Cleveland. This is where things turned from good to not so good.
We landed in Phoenix and I proceeded to hit the pisser. Afterwards I tried to meet up with the other guys at the Fox Sports Bar. Worst. Bar. Ever.
A little backstory; About a year ago a law was passed in Washington state making it illegal to smoke in public places that are indoor. Bars, Restaurants, and whathaveyou all stopped being smokey and stinky. Verdict: Awesome!
Anyhoo, the people of Phoenix aren't really concerned with the quality of their air. This bar was packed with the oldest bar crowd I have ever seen smoking cigarettes like they were outlawing them at the end of the hour. The guys I was with, being smokers themselves, thought nothing wrong with this and headed into the bar.
Me myself and I hit up the smoke free Gordon Beirsch right down for the Fox Smoke Bar and enjoyed one of the worst $7 pints in the history of man. After such a tasty beverage, I was capital H hungry. Pizza Hut, here I come.
After devouring a personal sized pepperoni I was thirsty again. Not wanting another crappy $7 brewski I hit up the local Starbucks a.k.a. The Dark Side.
If these motherfuckers knew how to make a caramel Frappacino I would've been in Cleveland at 6 pm, Ohio time. When did I get there? I'm getting there, keep your pants on! (except you Jessica Alba)
So anyways I'm walking out of Starbucks and happen to glance up to see:

CLEVELAND : DEPARTED

FUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!

I ran faster than a crackhead with a Franklin towards gate A18. My flight was gone. I headed back up the walkway and found Customer Service. They didn't have another flight going to Cleveland until 6 am the next morning. Problem? I had training starting at 8 am. With the four hour flight and the three hour time change I just don't think I could make that.
I told them I had to be there at that time and they decided to re-route me through Sin City. Five hours later.... And then I had a three hour layover in Vegas before making my way to Cleveland.
After talking to my step-sister, who just so happens to live in Vegas, I had them change my flight there to another that was two hours earlier. I was to arrive in Vegas about a half hour after Jill got off work.
She came and picked me up, we went and had dinner, hung out at her place and then she took me back to the airport.
I arrived at the gate for my flight to Cleveland about a half hour early and easily made it onto my plane after taking two Tylenol PM's to make me sleep. Well the drunken teenager behind me had other ideas. He kept yelling to his buddies "Rectum.............. Hell it just about Killed 'em" which he followed with the most annoying laughter evah.
I was able to get a couple of hours of sleep, arriving in Cleveland at 6 am. The tool company's rep. picked me up at the airport about a half hour after that and we were off to the hotel. I made it there in time to wash my face, brush my teeth, drop off my bags, and throw on my steel-toed boots and head to training.
What did I learn from this experience? Only go to the Tilted Kilt in the Rio. Not the stand alone.

Longview and Dilbert

First off, I was driving through town, and realized how nice it is to live in such a green part of the world. Its really nice hear, with lots of trees along the lake I live by, so I took a few pics.
Also, if you read Dilbert, and/or the Dilbert blog and newsletter, you can appreciate this from the most recent newsletter:
There’s no such thing as a Dogbert Award, but when I heard this story from a reader, I thought that maybe there should be. “I have a student whose vocabulary is rather impressive. He annoys his classmates by answering questions in such a way that they have no idea what he has just said. Finally one student had had enough and asked why his classmate couldn't say things so other people could understand him. Without missing a beat the student shot back "Because I don't speak retard!" My immediate reaction was that the entire school year had been an elaborate set up for that punchline.

Nate Bullcock's Escape From Jail

Nate escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous even though he looks kinda scrawny. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Voodoo

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right...Voodoo Penis, my ass."




The rest is history...

Wiffle Ball pics

Here are a few pics from last Thursday, just to show you we mean business. They are not as cool as Kick Ball pics (Gina knows about this), but they are proof that we exist. Kinda.

#1 Alex getting ready to hit a double. Commishoner N8 and his scorekeeper Matt in the background, as well as our new signee, Garrett relieving himself to the left...

#2 A close up of the Commish and his scorebeeachhh. True athletes...

#3 That's me, with a vote of no confidence in Phil's pitching, because he walked me again...

#4 The commish taking batting practice. He really ripped that last one...

LEAVE A COMMENT.......

Us here at NOSE have noticed a dramatic increase in readership but nobody seems to want to leave a comment. What the dilly folks? We rely on your comments to let us know how shitty we truly are. So please leave a comment, and if you get a chance check out the wiffleball page. That is all.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

good weekend and summer movies

Well, now that volleyball is over, I didn't have to volunteer any time this weekend (if you don't count Friday afternoon with the Lions club). So what did I do? I drank Corona and Pacifico on Friday. Then I did this again Saturday, as well as watched Mission Impossible 3 with Abby. Then Sunday our wiffle ball games got rained out, so I drank a few beers watching Nate's team try to play a game through the rain and still hit 4 home runs and demolish Hewey's team. Then it was off to finally try Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter on the Xbox360.

This weekend was the first time in almost 2 months that I had time to play video games. And it was good. I think I am going to get an HD TV just so I can see this game and a few others on a bigger clearer screen. The 360 rocks. And as you can see from my Gamer tag down to the left, they also have previews of upcoming movies, including Nacho Libre, with Jack Black, MI3, which made me go see it Saturday, and X3, which comes out this month. I might actually see some movies this summer, as MI3 was a good experience, very loud with lots of shooting and explosions, and X3 looks good, and you gotta see Jack Black movies, and Nacho Libre looks funny as hell. Speaking of Hell, there is a new Omen movie coming out. The kid in that xbox360 preview looks just a little scary staring at you in that red coat and shorts. This picture is him, and you can see the red tie, but if you have the means, see the 360 preview. And it comes out on 6-6-6, which is a cool (i.e. scary) idea.

Now tonight a little practice wiffle ball maybe after Lions, then some makeup games tomorrow. Check out our stats if you want. Cowlitz county wiffleball association

Happy Cinco de Drinco

Here's hoping this picture resembles your dinner tonight, or breakfast tomorrow, or whatever.

Also, here's hoping that less than half of you get the squirts from all the Mexican Food and Beer. I know Smoot will be leaving a porcelin imprint on that big ol butt of his tomorrow, and hope that not too many of you follow him into the throneroom.

And to all these alleged "girls" he keeps getting to hang out with, since Damien scares all the dudes away from their get togethers, I hope you enjoy your visits to NOSE, and feel free to comment. Comments make us feel important. And the more embarassing stuff you can share about Todd's drunken exploits, the better.

And for those of you finding your way here via Smooty's email..
Everyone knows that I am funnier than Todd. Todd will just have to live with that knowledge, and that rumor about his huge penis. Everyone hates it when that rumor gets spread about you.

The Coma Patient

A woman was in a coma for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough,there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened - telling him "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined ..no pulse, no heartbeat.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said "I'm not sure... maybe she choked."