How I screwed up/got screwed over

Setting the scene, I shoot in the 80s just about every time I golf. I am a 13 handicap, which I think is good, but means I usually play descent golf, but fuck up a few times just to keep myself from ever getting real good. I seem to have no problem beating all of my friends except Josh, but can’t seem to beat total strangers and normally have to settle for runner-up, or lately one stroke from winning money. It was 80-100 degrees both days this weekend, we were playing from the blue tees, and the pins were placed so that putting was like the anthill hole at a miniature golf course and they were impossible to hit approach shots to. So although I got really early tee times, I was still sweating like Nate in church*, hung over, and really having to concentrate to give myself birdie and par tries.

I butchered a hole on my first day of the tournament, taking a 9 on a par 4, including a bad hop, causing me to have to drop because of an un-hittable lie, topping the ball, then chipping out, then hitting it on, and FUCKING 4-PUTTING. (Basically as bad as it gets without actually losing a ball.) I proceeded to birdie the next hole and go on to save a few putts and only shoot a net one or two over par. Not bad, but only in 4th or 5th in the 2nd net division. This means I need to shoot low 80s the 2nd day in order to win my money back for the tourney, as only the top 5 in each net division get paid. If you read the title of this post, you can probably guess this is where the story gets good/bad.

The 2nd day I am paired up with a 14 and a 17 handicapper that are in 4th or 5th place with me. Shooting within a few strokes of par in the net division should win you money, so all I needed to do was beat one of these guys, or at least shoot low 80s as planned, and I should win $100-300. I start off good, only having a few errant shots and shooting 41 on the front and tying the 14 handicapper. Now all I need to do is shoot 45 or better and I should be in the money. I get another unfriendly lie on the 10th hole as my ball finds thick sand right by the lip, only 20 feet from the cup. In a blinding display of unbelievable skill and luck, I blast the ball out of the sand about 6 inches….into the only 4 foot section of grass near the green that is not mowed. My next chip from Chewbacca’s mane stops short of course, and I three putt from off the green for a triple bogey. As long as I don’t fuck up any more, I should be fine right? I mean, I come back and birdie the next hole, so I am fine right?

Well, that depends on how you look at the 15th hole, and the fact that they don’t make exceptions in the rules of golf for when you get screwed over. I hit my drive a little left along the out of bounds, but fading back into an open spot between some small trees. The three of us get to their balls and hit, but can’t for the life of us find my fucking ball. I know it is not out of bounds. I absolutely know it. A jogger nearby throws a ball to us from the road, and it’s not mine. So where the fuck did my ball go? This is where I get some good advice, and screw myself over by listening to it (or get screwed over depending on how you look at it). The guy who I am down a stroke to says it must be in a tree. (for non golfers, this happens about once or twice in a lifetime…) He says that it couldn’t possibly be further than where his ball is, because he hit it pretty good. Then the other guy who has the 17 handicap, and I need to beat by about 4 strokes in order to win money, pipes in with these words that now haunt my dreams, “I looked up there and didn’t see it.” Well, he has a cart and zoomed ahead to look, we have been searching for 3-4 minutes where it should be, and now another group is waiting. So I have to go back, re-hit, proceed to hit another one OB, then hit in the trees, chip up, make a wonderful saving chip, and then up and down, and get another 9. That is two in the tournament, and my first couple nines all year. What is the big deal you ask? After hitting my 3rd drive up by the green, I decide to walk up the left side to look for my ball on the way to the green. AND I FUCKING FIND IT RIGHT WHERE THE OTHER GUY SAID HE LOOKED. AND IT TAKES ME ALL OF 20 SECONDS TO FIND IT. It is easily 50 yards further than the first guy, that’s why we didn’t find it when we searched. So I get screwed because I hit it over 300 yards? Fuck.

The rules say I have to play the other ball since I already hit it a second time, so listening to those guys costs me at least 3, maybe 4 strokes. I understandably finish the last 3 holes a few over because I am getting over being pissed, and trying not to give up even though I know it cost me a chance to win money. And of course, when all the scores come in, the guy who told me “my ball wasn’t up there” ties for 5th beating me by 2 with a net 147 for the two days. And I win nothing. Now I am not saying I should have wrapped my 5 iron around his neck, but I think I could make a pretty good argument in court if I had…

*see below wedding stories