How you doin?

Although it may sound like I want to talk about "Friends," or lame bar pick-up lines, I was actually thinking more along the lines of the responses people give when trying to avoid a conversation.

How many times have you responded "fine" or "good" to the questions "How are you doing?" or "How you been?" and then 5 seconds later you realize you actually feel shitty? I was sick Sunday, almost didn't go to work Monday, and am not feeling too hot right now, but 2 minutes ago, when someone asked, I said "good" and said it with a smile. Why? Because lying is better than explaining that I feel shitty for 5 minutes. Lying got me out of a conversation I didn't fell like having. Lying is great. In fact, it makes me feel good thinking about it...

Go Cougs

nothing important or very funny today. been busy if you can't tell.

Go Cougs!

It's Beer, Hooray Beer!

engrish preese

These dvd sets I mentioned last time are rad. No spell or grammer check apparently in China…

The Star Wars set I saw was actually about normal size, but Roswell’s case is the size of a hardback book, while X-files is even larger, and Friends is even bigger than a case logic dvd case. And the type on the boxes gets funnier and funnier.

(I am not misspelling these or making these up. These are as they appear on the movie cases.)

The X-files Collector’s Edition (1-9) The complete ONE to NINE Season
“You Cannot Help But be Won over By “Buddy.”It’sA Great Kids Movie”
David Duchovnt and Gillian Anderson
“*****. A Magnificent Movie”
--Michael Medved,New York Post

Then there is other fun stuff on the back like:
The Complete Eaghth Season
The Complet Ning Season
And the credits which include credits for a movie…although this is a TV show include:
The credit to Bruce Willis Die Hard 2
Based on novel 58 Minutes by Walter Wager
Www.Xthefiles.com

And then Roswell which seems allright, including correct spelling and actually referring to the correct show in its descriptions…until you get to the trademark line which reads:
Star Trek and Star Trek: The Next Generation and related marks…etc. etc.

Do Chinese piraters not have English spell check, or not know any English speaking people???

Then there is of course the best of all. The Friends set which on the back has one big tag line and 10 season descriptions, which are as follows:
“Few of the original movie’s political and philosophical preoccupations (abortion, capitalism, patriotism, individualism) remain.” –Boston Globe, Wesley Morris

(please note that the pictures that accompany each season do not match the actual pictures from that season)

Season 1: Rules at Versailles.In the North of France,Prince de Conde has come up with a plan to get his province out of debt:he ll invite the king to his country chateau for a weekend of spectacle and merriment.if he can get back in the Kings good craces,his region can avoid econom disaster.The whole plan,and the prosperity of an entire province.

Season 2: (a whole paragraph in German, still with incorrect puncuation, and it doesn’t appear to be about Friends.)

Season 3: (again, all in German, and again, I don’t think it’s about Friends)

Season 4: (you guessed it…German. And what the hell is a kurzentcholossen?)

Season 5: The acclaimed performances of two-time Academy Award win-ner Michael Caine Bbest Supporting Actor:The Cider House Rules,1999.Hannah Ande Her Sisters and Brend an Fraser The Mummy.Gods And Power a stylish political thriller where love and war col-lide in becomes entangled in adangerous love triangle when he falls for the beautiful mistress of a British journalist.As war is waged around them these only sink deeper into a world of drugs,passion and betrayat where noth ing is as it seems.

Season 6: The Fellowship has broken,but the quest to destroy the One Ring continues,Frodo and Sam must entrust their lives to Gollum if they are to find their way to Mordor.As Saruman s army approaches,the surviving members of The-earth,prepare for battle,The War of the Ring has begun.Nominated for six Acaemy Awards inclusing Best Picture.
(notice a trend of not talking about Friends here….?)

Season 7: Grave brings it!Producer Joel Silver and director Andrzej Brtkowiak.Who Fused martial arts with hip-hop stle in Romeo Must Die and Exit Wounds,take it to the next level with Cradle 2 the Grave.Starring as rivals-trned-partners in a volatile street war ignited by kidnapping.stolen black diamonds and a sadistic crimelord.Kelly HU and Gabrielle Union flex beauty and strength as foex destined for a clawdown And Anthony Anderson and Tom Arnold add comedy james.

Season 8: Curtis plays the cavigator of a tugboat crewe which losee its cargo during a hurricane,in the calm eye of the storm,they come caross a Russian research ship fioating dead on the water.Boarding the vessel,they initially believe it to be deserted-but they soon realize they re not alone,First,they discover a terrified surivor,and then they find that the ship has been taken over by a ruthless alien intelligence,Now,the small band must fight for their lives against a force that has come to claim Earth for its.
(I know it seems like I must be mistyping, but these are still exactly as they appear…in fact, I am typing this in word and a few of these have probably been auto-corrected.)

Season 9: In the chaos of atrench war battle,a small company of men get lost,surrounded by a thick my sterious fog.As they emerge form it,they come across a deserted German trench.Convinced they to find muitilated German corpses everywhere,Some-thing very starnge and evil has happened here.When one of When one of them is found horribly murdered wrapped in barbed wire,they know they arenot alone!

Season 10: IN this exciting supernatural thriller,Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer play a seemingly happily married couple who uncver a terrible secret…a secret so disturbing it threatens to destroy them.When Claire Spencer beings seeing ghostly images and hearing mysterious voices in their home,her husband Norman suspects it s just her toether they must uncover the truth.confront their worst fears and find what lies beneath…

quote of the day

(the names have been changed to protect the people that employee me...)

Actual Email:

Greg- "Hey Bob, we should unsubscribe from this message service."

Bob- "I never subscribed. Do you know how to get me off?"

If a co-worker asks if you know how to get them off, is it sexual harrasment if they don't realize how funny it is? Especially if they are both guys??

on another funny note, A friend of mine (I swear its not mine baby!) received some dvd boxed sets from another friend who is working in China. I absolutley love how these companies do not spell or grammer check their products before mass producing them. For example, the credits on the back of the X-files boxed set include credits to Bruce Willis for Die Hard 2 and the Star Wars boxed set includes credits for only Episode 2, while 4 of the 6 dvd inserts feature pictures of Liam Neeson who was only in 1 of the movies. The best is the back of the Friends boxed set, which I hope to post this weekend.

Because Porn is Funny

Someone asked why I would want someone to give me a list of real porn titles...Why couldn't I just make them up? My answer would have to be:

1. Because whatever name you make up, probably already exists
2. I am Funny, but I could not in a million years come up with the titles "Hotty in the Potty" and "Slammin Granny in the Fanny."

Other recent additions to the list include "Bonetown Buffet," "Bikini Top Gonna Pop," "Love Potion 69," " Whoriental Sex Academy," "Refried Teens" (Lord I apologize for that and the granny one), and "Cowabunghole."

But all kidding aside, Isn't the fact that you can find anything, I mean anything, on the internet the greatest and the worst all at the same time? Like this that Todd sent in, http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/bangbangbang.html

and good news for a change from New Orleans, New Orleans Floodwaters Begin to Ebb

Oh well, my sister is home http://www.tdn.com/articles/2005/09/06/area_news/news01.txt

and safe, so its time to take her to the Silver Star for Taco Tuesday. hmmmmm, 2 tacos for $1.00 and beer....

Movie of the Day (explicit)

NEW!!!!

"Unknown Movie Title of the Day"

(Today's movie that you do not want to see)

Men in Back

This new segment is brought to you by a friend's sister who manages a small movie store here in town. The short-version is that almost none of the stores in town have a "porn room" any more, and so this store has had to expand (more than once) to fit in all the porn that their customers want, including lining the movies up so you only see the titles because the amount of space required is enormous, and the amount of space available is not.

Today was "new porn day," and needless to say she has some absolutely hilarious stories, including the dork yesterday who went up to the counter while "having the flag at full mast..." I bet the conversation went something like this...

"No video games today? Ooooh, something a little spicier I see. Your parents must be gone for the weekend. Maybe next year when you're 25 you can get your own place...""Oookay, interesting choice, but I'm not judging you... (Granny Takes a Squirt) There you go. Thanks, and uhhh sign here, and uuhhh, you might want to do something about that. Your pants seem to have shrunk. Thanks. Come again."

note to self: Always "Shake hands with the unemployeed" before going to rent porn.

2nd note to self: If you are tall enough that your waist is above the counter, WAIT UNTIL YOUR COCK IS LIMP before you rent and/or buy porn. (Or anything else for that matter)

P.S. Please feel free to comment with your favorite masterbation terminoligy and/or favorite porn movie names, whether you've seen em, or if it was just a friend of a friend's sister's cousin's hairdresser's brother who saw it becuse you would never watch such filth as "Split the Uprights."

spread em

Football:
During the Raiders pre-season game today, I swear I heard the announcer say "You want to spread em, then ram it inside." You got to love announcers that speak before they think. Either that or he was reading Playboy instead of watching the game...

Work:
I may be on here and my site less, as I have been super busy at work for about a year and a half, and am now busier. So see you around maybe...

Heather:
My sister heather emailed me back. She is in Memphis, planning to travel to Nashville, then to North Carolina in hopes of visiting a few friends with her roommate as they wait for word on when they will be able to return to New Orleans. Needless to say, she's glad she's safe, but wants us to pray for all the survivors as well as the zoo full of animals they care for...and try not to dwell on the fact she probably lost everything since her car and all her stuff were left behind. She escaped with a backpack and her kitty. That sucks.

fuck you katrina

I said I would get those pictures on the net from the various weddings, but I keep flipping from story to story about Hurricane Katrina, and realizing that I really don't feel like it. I feel selfish for being pissed gas is so expensive, while I realize my sister might have lost most of the stuff she owns since she is living in New Orleans and her rental is probably underwater. I know she got out of town okay, and she told my parents shes having a good time in Memphis, but still, Katrina sucks. I was going though all the pictures, and I realized the swamp, and the bars, and her house, and everything else we saw are totally fucked up.

So I turned on The Office on NBC. That show rocks.

Dicko's Hitched!

The rest of the pics will go on my website, hopefully tonight. Here are a few good ones, 2 nice ones, one of Dicko demonstrating how we are supposed to eat food (I hope...), and another good picture of Brad keeping it real. He's can clap-dance with the best of em...

Recommended Site

I love when someone recommends a site, and I end up laughing out loud as I read it. I hope that people find me funny as often as I do (because if you can't laugh at yourself, then how can you let others do it...), but just in case, here is another site I will be adding to the fun links to the left and to my links page on my website...
http://www.jasonmulgrew.com/index2.php

I fully recommend reading the most recent post or two, then the about me, and then you have to read the photo diary. By the third picture I was laughing out loud at work where I was supposedly doing real work, and had to come here and save the rest of the pictures for later. Needless to say he starts right off with the baby pictures that make him look like a gay sailor, and it just gets funnier from there.

Also, this weekend was Dicko's wedding. I will get some more pictures up here soon. I am sure they will be very funny, but I will need to see them to verify this, as wine was free, and tends to erase memories when drunken from the big fish bowl that used to hold the matchbooks at the bar. Man, nothing says too much to drink like going out for burgers before you pass out, and going to Dicks just so you can giggle about the phrase "I could really go for a mouthfull of Dicks."

Fantasy Football

The only good things about fantasy football are the shit talking, and the fact that its gets me to watch more football on the weekends. The whole tracking players and remembering to check your line up and all that can really drain your life away, but luckily its not baseball or basketball.

Thanks to Dicko for helping me fall back off the wagon. And for autopicking the rest of my team and smoots team when we were without computer.

And good luck to Abby, who is probably on her way over to finish up volleyball tryouts and cut some girls. Maybe James would consider coming down to coach a D-squad so they don't have to cut any...

And hopefully my next post will be a couple pictures from when I was social chair, becuase I know everyone wants to see the skit of James and Hager playing the role of Judy and James (or was it Smoot and ???).

Double Posting Cause I Can

How fast do you think they are going?
A. Not moving.
B. 1 MPH
C. Fast enough that the screaming bunny in the backseat just filled up the seat with rabbit pellets.


On another note, which actually brought me back here on the same day (double-post) My quote page has been updated a few times recently, including a great pic todd sent in, as well as this quote:
"Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has an asshole. The trick is remembering most people don't really want to hear either of them."

Todd's bday & the Foo Fighters

edit: I got reminded that its Todd's birthday today. Looks like the drinking at Dicko's wedding will be extra special, and in larger quantites than previously discussed...


I got the new Foo Fighters cd In Your Honor (not because of you, In Your Honor is the name of the cd). The songs In Your Honor and Best of You are awesome, and both cds are completely listenable (is that a word?) There is some bitching online about it being copy protected, but as near as I can figure that just means you can't copy it or rip it to your Ipod, and seeing as I have the cd and don't need a copy, and I don't have an Ipod, I am very happy with my purchase. Especially since it was $10 off ebay with shipping.

on another note, I went on Amazon.com to look up the name of one of those songs because the cd is out in the car, and I saw that their product images are finally working again. I use amazon for all kinds of research, what to buy, movie lines, trivia answers, reviews, prices, etc. (and shop on there when the price is right) and have noticed that about every couple months or so, all the images stop working. You go to the page and its just a bunch of red Xs where the images should be. Has anyone run into this? Because its very annoying, and its happened 3 or 4 times this year, for more than a week or two at a time.

The fun continues

Dicko called with the classic message this morning. "Hey G, its about 6:10 and I'm just passing by the Longview exit. I like to call at inappropriate times..." It continues on about eating lunch together or something, but the nice apart about that second line is that Abby got up for some crazy reason and got the phone. Guess maybe she thought it was hers and it was something important since volleyball tryouts are this week. Of course that wasn't as funny as the end of the message, which went something like "...and I hope you have sweet dreams of Smoot's tiny penis....(where I was just about to start laughing, and then it finished with),...inside you."

Bastard. I make a special won-ton soup for you.

edit:
Found some funny pics on Emily's site and had to post the best one here. These reminded me of the posters that circulated last year making fun of the Huskies. If anyones still has those, let me know, but they are probably on this site Huck the Fuskies.

Not chubby...Healthy.

That's right. I'm not fat. I'm not big boned. I'm not pleasently plump. I'm not a little heavy.

I'm healthy. No shortage of food here. And its not a sign of laziness that I haven't seen the gym more than twice this month. It's because I'm busy. Yeah thats it...

I need to get a kickball league started down here...

Great Song Names

Ever hear a song, and then find out the name of the song or band was just really good. That's what I thought when I found this song

A Hangover You Don't Deserve by Bowling for Soup.

Not quite the stopping power of "I want to fuck you like an animal" by Nine Inch Nails, but still good.

Got any good ones?

Spam can actually be funny

Not the spam you eat, but the spam which floods your inbox if you don't change your email address once a year....of course the spam you eat can be funny too, but that's not my point.
This is.
edit:
Todd has a penis fetish. He sent me this too.
(and in case you can't quite read it, it says "If you're going to overcompensate, then by all means, overcompensate. Ask for Tiny")


edit again:
and the great Abby quotes continue, this time with the help of her friend Amy.

8-19-05
Use the big one.
It's like 10 or 12 inches.
-Abby
That's not big enough.
-Amy
(taken out of context quotes are my favorite.)
I put stuff like this on my quote page too, if you want to check it out. http://www.angelfire.com/ma/justliving/quotes.html

edit: Smoot has small nuts too.

Coug'n it

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coug_it

Coug it is a vernacular phrase meaning "pulling defeat from the jaws of victory" or choking it. This phrase is most commonly used among sports fans in the Pacific Northwest and to a lesser extent in the West Coast of the United States, and is most often directed towards those associated with Washington State University.

You have to see the list of examples, and the other uses on this article. It is great. I hate how people mis-use the phrase "coug-it" and say it whenever we lose. They should realize that its only applicable when we blow a lead or screw up a sure thing.

edit: Gina's blog talked about flavored wine. We just tried some at a wine tasting, where the hosts spilled wine on abby, which prompted us to talk about the infamous "I spilled wine all over me" comment by Gina, when in fact it was Beth who has spilled or something. But anyways, here are two more funny pics of Gina, cause although we talked of trading cameras at the wedding so I would have pictures of me, we didnt, and I only have pictures of other people... uhh, okay there is a funny one of me, and another of Gina, which is wierd because these are before we got drunk. And then the standard KD pic, just because. (Abby, Amy, & Anne in back. Erin & Gina in front.)

Semen Tank

It was funny enough when I saw this on someones tax return depreciation list...SEMEN TANK...

But it was even funnier when I saw that their Schedule C (small business) principal business or profession was in fact ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION...

and i realized that asset item was not a typo, but in fact a giant holding tank full of negative nine month old babies looking to swim upstream...

I've practically got tears streaming. What a great end to a thursday.

(p.s. Double post day, so check the entry below.)

Quote of the day

Abby was talking the other day about how I should have a section on my website that just has her random quotes.
Well until I remember all these gems of wisdom, heres a few good ones from applebees last night (after wine tasting)...

Don't take my drink. I'm driving.

I know I'm driving, I just want a couple more drinks.

classics, absolute classics.