Bush Visits Germany, Terrifies Children

I don't even know what to write about this. What a douchebag.

Ouch...

Here I am trying to get a good shot of the pitcher from Puyullap and he goes and hits me in the nuts. WTF?

Here is another video of him pitching. He is damn good.

World Fighting Alliance

Everybody, you need to get the World Fighting Alliance Pay-Per-View on July 22nd to see my buddy Jason "Mayhem" Miller kick some fools ass. He is the shit. I met him in Las Vegas at UFC 54 during the weigh-ins. There are some other great fights on the card and it will definitely be worth your money. Quinton "Rampage" Jackson will be fighting and Bas Rutten will be fighting Kimo. Check it out.
UPDATE

Get more pictures like this from SHERDOG.COM
Here is another pic I found of Mayhem against GSP. Despite being bloody as all hell, he finished the fight. What a tough SOB!

Good Fucking Beer

I'm serious about Skinny Dip being the official beer of Summer. I am consuming some right now before I head out to the Beer Gardens with Gus and it's defuckinglicious. Have a great Saturday night. Seacrest out.

Better than the Sears Catalog

I know that title is a tired joke by Jeff Foxworthy, but as long as we are perverts around here, I thought I would also give a thanks to the creator of Victoria's Secret and their catalog and website. Searching for a suitable picture for the blog, I learned that these panties pictured are called Tangas. And damnit if they aren't the best thing to come out of the underwear industry since bikini briefs and thongs...And having Adriana Lima on the covers and website can't be hurting sales...damn.
And, going to myspace off the http://www.1051thebuzz.com/ website I was treated to another true ad. Are they expecting to get any females on this site, or just guys?
And speaking of dating, Nate added a link to another fun blog, singleinscottsdale chronic(what)ling the adventures of single life in scottsdale.

And, feeling bad about living in a small town and not making as much as your big town buddies? Try this salary comparison calculator and feel better about yourself.

phatphree and true

I got a good article from Nate from the thephatphree, which reminded me I hadn't been to the site or checked out their t-shirts recently. The site and this movie quoting article are worth a look if you haven't been there. The best shirt by far is featured here.

As for more interesting stuff than just linking to someone's site that is better than mine...sorry, I got nothing.

I did however just remember that I watched Nate fall asleep towards the end of 'Grandma's Boy' last night. It was pretty funny because he was smoking before he fell asleep, than kind of jumped when his head nodded, and went right back to smoking. Almost like he was sleep-smoking. Safer in the short-run than sleep-walking, but probably not in the long run...

Also, another thing that I have noticed this year (which has nothing to do with the fact I was just talking about Nate) is ads on websites for true.com, which is a singles dating site. I have not gotten further than the homepage, as I am forbidden from checking the site out as it is fraud to register on the site if you are married or a criminal (nice that those two groups of people are lumped together...). But, I am thankful for the ads none-the-less, because they do a very good job of supplying a once a day hot-chick-fix. If you get on hotmail, or myspace, or yahoo, or any of the good blogs or humor sites out there, (or the other 20 millions sites that have ads and pop-ups), you have probably seen one of their ads. I would like to commend their advertising department. While they don't really have a hard job, they do a good job and probably don't get many thanks besides models sleeping with them, handjobs, whip-cream fights, etc. So thanks.

Co-workers, iPods, Beer Gardens, Wiffleball, Bachelor Parties, Grandma's Boy

You know what's nice? When that one person that you can't stand at work goes on vacation. The guy that sits right across from me is an asshole. And he knows it. Back in the late 70's-early 80's I guess he was training to be an Olympic wrestler. And he would have made it, but he blew out both of his knees. So after that he started drinking and getting into bar fights. From some of the stories other people have told me, he is one bad mamma-jamma. So he's a prick. And I can't stand him. So not having to deal with him today is going to make my life so much more pleasant.

I seriously cannot believe how much I love my iPod. If you are a serious music fan and do not have some sort of mp3 player yet, you are missing the boat. I talked my buddy Go-Go into getting an iPod and she loves it. Lately I have been downloading new music like it's going outta style. One new band that I've been digging is Office. Check them out if you're down with some light, feel-good, Summer tunes.
Outkast's "Bombs over Baghdad" has got to be one of my top five all time favorite songs.

This weekend Rainier, the small city across the Columbia River from Longview, is having their annual 'Days in the Park' Celebration. They have a little Carnival type thing with a Flea Market, Fireworks and most importantly a BEER GARDEN. So you know what my plans are gonna be for Saturday night. Getting drunk on cheap beer and watching some fireworks. I'm pretty sure Gus is going with me and I think our buddy Money Mike is going to be in town from Seattle so it should be fun. I was hoping Smooty was gonna head down here and be my wingman, but he told me he has a yeast infection and won't be able to make it.

On Sunday a 'semi-pro' (as funny as that sounds) wiffleball team from Puyullap is coming down to challenge a team of guys from the wiffleball league. This team has played in national tournaments and if I remember right they finished top five in the nation last year. It'll be interesting to see how we stack up against a 'semi-pro' team. I think Gus is gonna play, along with Matt Jones of Jackmove and Jim Hewey and Brian Eyer from the Brewers. We should be able to compete with them with that lineup. Wish us luck.

So my little brother is getting married on August 4th (I don't know why he picked Friday). And he informed me last week that I am in the wedding. Pretty cool. I'm not the best man though, as my record in that department is not too good. I've been best man twice in the past, both ending in divorce. Both marriages together lasted shorter than five years. So for my little brother's wedding, my cousin is gonna take care of the best man duties. The one duty I have is planning the bachelor party. This is one area of expertise for me. I know how to throw one hell of a bachelor party. If you don't believe me ask Josh "the Wookiie" Burckhardt, he'll tell ya. So for my little brothers I am planning on taking him and his buddies to Vancouver to a indoor Go-Kart place called HOT-Tracks (or some shit) to start the evening off. After that it'll be bar-hopping through Vancouver and Portland. I am gonna be the designated driver, so my goal is to get my little bro wasted but home safely. He's in for a terrible hangover. It's gonna be fun.

Tonight I plan on sitting on my couch and watching Grandma's Boy. I watched it last night with Gus and my roomie, but after some beers and a little chat with the coach I don't really remember all of the movie. I do remember it was pretty fucking funny though. I figured I would take it easy tonight because I am going to drink like a fish tomorrow.

Believe it or Not vol. 4

Todd decided to take up Skydiving last year. He had gone up with a group a few times, and done all the practicing, but still had yet to jump out of a plane. He finally decided to take a private lesson and get over his fear and just do it, and signed up for an early morning flight.

He was up to jump height when the instructor came out of the cockpit, closed the door, and said "Todd, there a few things I should have told you before we came up."
"First, I am a 6th degree black belt."
"Second, I am a raging homosexual."
"Third, you have two choices."

"Either you jump, or I am using you to satisfy my sexual desires."

Todd is telling me this story a few months later, and as I am laughing, I say "No way..so did you jump?"

and he says,

"Yeah, a little at first..."

Pirates

I saw Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest last night. And it was pretty f'in good. Nice and loud, with lots of explosions and chases and fighting and improbably stunts that you would expect from a sequel to the first installment. And when I say installment, I mean that you know there will be a 3rd one, because the second one is breaking sales records and last night was almost a week after it came out and both screens were sold out again, and this is in little ol Longview. The pirates and special effects were cool. There were actually a lot of people from the first movie that were back, especially strange because I thought some of them were dead. It's pretty safe for kids, but with a few awesome references and startling moments to keep adults entertained.

And of course there is Kiera Knightly and plenty of action and monsters for the dudes, and Orlando and Johnny for the ladies, and a midget pirate for Smoot, so everyone has someone to drool over.

Overall rating - A. One of the best of the year, and I'm glad I went to see it. I can't wait for the next one. And make sure to stay til the end for the sweet ending....

Math Problem

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig, which is the same size as your car, and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
(Try to figure it out before scrolling down for answer)






















Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.

Condom Shopping

The other night I was in a long line at Target. As I got to the register I realized that he had forgotten to get condoms, so I asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"
I replied that I didn't know.
She asked me to drop my pants. I did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of "Rufus" and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
Erik Guttormsen was the next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
A few customers back was Todd Smoot. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did.
She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...




"Cleanup, Register 5."

other blogs

Here is a great example of why it is fun to read other people's blogs.
thedailydump:top-one-most-embarrassing-moment
Any story about farting usually has my full attention, right up until I have to minimize it for a few moments so that I don't laugh too loudly at work. The daily dump is a good blog.

and don't miss the last couple posts and crazy bitch stories below...

Believe it or Not Vol 3

A theory exists that the word 'cocktail' originated from an old practice of bartenders dumping leftover liquors from drinks into a ceramic container shaped like a rooster, and you could get cheap drinks from a tap set in the tail of the rooster; hence these drinks were called 'cock's tail'.

Believe it or Not.

Also, In case the Go 3rd celebration (drinking at the beer gardens on the 1st in Longview, hitting golf balls at the floating green and listening to live music the 2nd-4th, BBQ the 2nd-4th at my house, playing four square, and drinking while watching the town's firworks show from my backyard) won't hold you over until the Portland Brewers Fest at the end of July, there is Rainier Days in the Park
The beer garden in Rainier is much more ambitious than Longview's, running:
Thursday: 6 p.m.-12 a.m.
Friday: 6 p.m.-1 a.m.
Saturday: Noon-1 a.m

With plans for going golfing both days, drinking at night, and the weather supposed to be in the 80's, I think I have this weekend pretty well mapped out. Smoot you or any other Seattle-ites are welcome to come down.

Crazy Girls #2

(thanks to Aaron for a few reader contributions)

High School...There we are on a nice sunny day in Longview, throwing a football around in the parking lot after school when I look up and see a black camaro (yeah... I know she drove a camaro, at least it didn't have T-Tops). She had backed out of the parking spot she was in and started revving the engine like she was in some kind of race... turns out she had seen me instead. She gunned it and what did I do???? I just stood there like an idiot and didn't move until she slammed on the brakes and did a four wheel skid and only stopped when she tapped my kneecaps with her bumper... At that point I gave her the finger and walked away. What a great day....

College year 1.... was dating a girl who was a lot of fun at specific times of the day... or night actually. But the rest of the time she was just a tad psycho... She liked to throw things at me and try to beat me up, it didn't work very well nor last very long because I dumped her ass. Of course, I should have known that when I go out with a bunch of co-workers (during the summer) the day I told her to stay the fuck away from me... who would be at my house in the driveway waiting for me when I got home at 2 in the morning???? Cukoo.....

I'll think a little more and get you some others later today...
AK

Crazy Girl #1

This story happened about two years ago. I was single at the time and hitting the bar on a pretty regular basis.
So I am sitting at the Silver Star enjoying some tacos (it was a Tuesday) with a couple of friends. A couple of tables over I notice a girl that works at my bank. The guys I am with know her and wave her on over to the table. She wanders over and leaves her friend by herself at their table. We bullshit a little bit and I ask her what the deal is with her friend. "She's single" she replies.
I wander over to their table and sit down next to the single chick, we'll call her "Liz", and introduce myself. If you know me, you understand how awkward this is for me. I am not known for approaching girls. I usually wait until I know they are interested in me to make a move.
Anyways Liz and I start bullshitting and it seems like we hit it off. I invite her over to our table, she accepts, and we all sit around drinking beer and bullshitting.
A while later my buddies are ready to go. We are all gonna go to my house and drink a little bit more beer and hang out. So Liz and I exchange numbers and I'm on my way. I get home from the Star and not fifteen minutes later, my phone rings. You guessed it, Liz.
She tells me it was nice meeting me and says that they are heading to another bar in town if I'm interested in joining them. I tell them that I'm hanging out with my buddies, but they are more than welcome to come hang out. She is on that shit fast. They were seriously at my house in like ten minutes.
Liz and I bullshit for a while and make plans to go to dinner and maybe see a movie on Friday. After drinking a couple more beers, my buddies all start heading home. Liz and her friend decide that they are gonna go to and I walked them out to their car. Liz and I kiss a little, nothing major.
The next day I'm at work and Liz calls. Wants to make sure we are still on for Friday. Seeing as we just made the plans the night before, I assure her that we are still on. She says cool and chats a little longer before hanging up.
Later on that night, Liz calls again. I like it when a girl is aggressive and all, but shit, I just met this chick. Red flags start popping up.
Thursday, I'm at work and my phone rings. You guessed it, Liz. I don't answer and let it go to voicemail. Later on when I check my messages, I hear a frantic Liz worrying that I've changed my mind about Friday night. More red flags pop up.
After calling her back and chatting with her a while, she mellows out. We bullshit and I ask her how her day was. Out of nowhere she asks if it would be okay if her mom went to dinner with us on Friday. What the fuck? I just met you on Tuesday. She tells me she's told her mom all about me and her mom wants to meet me. You have no idea how much this freaked me out.
I tell her that I'm not quite ready to meet her mom yet (we just fucking met!) and tell her we should just rent a movie and hang out at my place. She is totally down to just hanging out by ourselves.
So she comes over Friday and we eat some dinner and watch a movie. I'm not sure if she's too aggressive or what, but I have decided I don't want to see her anymore. If you know me you know that I am a bit of a pacifist. I am one that tries to avoid confrontation when possible. So instead of telling Liz that I'm not interested I just plan on not calling her and not answering her calls. We finish our movie and I tell her I'm tired. I walk her to the car (do not give her a kiss) and she was on her way.
I left and met my friend Garrett for some beers.
The next morning, I am hung-over. My phone rings at ten in the morning waking me up. Guess who it is? I don't answer and roll over, trying to fall back asleep. Fifteen minutes later my phone rings again. This goes on for about two and a half hours.
Finally, I answer the phone. "Where have you been?"
"I'm hungover and I'm sleeping, I will talk to you later" I tell her.
"When?"
"I don't know........later".
"I thought you were going to bed cause you were tired, why are you hung-over?"
My response to that was the phone hanging up in her ear. You're not my girlfriend, don't guilt-trip me.
My phone rings right back immediately.
I don't answer.
It keeps on ringing, over and over and over for a good half-hour.
My phone finally quits ringing which is great. What is really bad is that Liz comes pulling into my driveway right after my phone quit ringing.
I meet her at the door and tell her that she needs to leave me the fuck alone. Do not come up to my house (especially when you're not invited), don't call, leave me alone. She cried. A lot.
I felt a little bad for about two seconds until I remember that I just met this girl four days ago. If I would've let it slide anymore it would've ended way worse. Remember that all that happened with this girl is a kiss. I'm scared to think what would've happened, had I actually slept with her.

Mmmmmm...... Tacos

Last night, Gus and I headed over to a local bar for some tacos. Every Tuesday the Silver Star has a taco special. Two tacos for one buck is a hell of a deal. I only ate four of them. Plus, they serve alcohol so that's good.
I stopped by and picked up G around 6:30 and we headed to the Star. Our buddy Craig, who we haven't seen in a long time, is in town for a couple of weeks so he came and met us. Craig's in the Navy and stationed in Florida so it was nice to hang out and bullshit with him. Aside from being a seamen, it sounds like Florida is treating him well.
A little while later Mrs. G-Dizzle and the head coach that she coaches with stopped by and enjoyed a little Hefeweizen with us.
Which brings me to point number 3, Hefeweizen is good. Real good.

Cool with it

"It's okay Gene-O, my parents are cool with it."

I'm Bored......

I was sitting at my house last night, drinking a beer, when I realized that I was bored. I didn't feel like watching TV, or playing video games. No, I needed something else to pass my time. Right about then my roommate headed outside for a cigarette. BINGO!
At that moment I realized how my roommate is always doing something. Usually it's smoking. Then I thought about my step-dad and how much he smokes. And he always has something to do.
It was settled. I was going to be a smoker.
So I borrowed a smoke from my good buddy Matt Jones at work. And you know what?
Those things taste like ass.
But I am determined. I am now on the patch. It's a three-step program, but I am doing it in reverse. I'm up to two weeks and on the "medium" patch now. This Saturday I get to step up to the "large" patch. I can't fucking wait.
I figure once I have the patch handled, I'll step up to the gum. I figure that way I'll be able to pump some nicotine into my system when I want. Not when some patch releases it.
And you know what? The gum ain't half bad.... If you like the taste of ashtrays. The best part is giving a piece of gum to an unsuspecting friend. Watch the look on their face as the taste of ashtray covers their mouth. Yummy!
I figure that after a week and a half of gum combined with the patch, I'll be ready to step up to the real thing. I've got July 19th copied on my calendar. Wish me luck.
This guy is my hero.

Going Back To College

I am very pleased to announce that I, Nate B, will be going back to school in the fall. I know that it's been a while since I've had classes to attend (1998 maybe?) but I am sure that I will succeed this time.
And by succeed, I don't mean actually graduating. No, I am going back to succeed in the college lifestyle.
Choosing which college to attend proved to be quite a challenge. But after doing some serious "research", which involved reading Playboy's top party schools list, I narrowed my choices down to U of Arizona, Arizona State, Wazzu or Florida State.
Then I saw the light. And the light said Wichita State University. And I said okay. Why Wichita State you may ask? Strictly because of their mascot. How did they ever get away with "the Shockers"? And not only that, the cheerleaders actually encourage it with hand signals.
Now for those of you that don't know what a shocker is, tough shit. I'm not gonna explain it to you. But the only way this school wouldn't have been my destination in the fall, was if I discovered either the City college of Cleveland "Steamers" or the Boston State "Angry Dragons". WSU, here I come!
I *heart* cheerleaders.
Man I am gonna love college. (Does anybody know where Wichita is?)

Seriously, I'm Addicted

These Kids Are Morons!

I have a new addiction. It is Youtube. And it is hilarious. Check this out....

Dominant Eye

Holy Shit. I just read in a golf magazine how to find if you are left or right eye dominant. Make a circle with your thumb and first finger, and center it on an object a few feet away. Now close each eye one at a time, and the eye that stays centered on the object is your dominant eye.

Why? Because when putting or lining up golf shots (or in other examples shooting rifles left or right handed, etc.), it can affect your success if you are looking through your weaker eye. Well I just found out I am right handed, but left-eye dominant. Shit. Less than 70% of the population is left eye dominant, and even less than that are right handed and left-eye dominant. You add that to the white jeans and I am one pretty unique fucker.

Now I go back to that golf picture of me trying to hit left handed, and the fact that I bat left handed, and I think I was meant to be a lefty. I bet my parents just didn't want to buy me left handed sporting equipment...

How about you? Righty or Lefty? Right eye or Left eye? Or can you throttle the goblin with both hands???

Beauties of a small town (more pics)

A benefit of living in a small town is that when I want to go golfing after work, I can get a tee-time no problem on a quality course last minute, for only $20-40, and I can pick up my clubs at lunch. Bet you can't pull any of those off in Seattle. Plus, I have time to take pictures of other frames with baby pictures...

Man I was a stud holding Afro-Dad's softball trophy with my little munchkin sister looking on. (Another quality Mom-present, this one from last year.)
Sporting the NBA Championship shirt with style is Abby, since we were born the year the Blazers won it.
And there is me already bragging (lying) about the size of stuff at a young age...Gotta love that linoleum floor back in the day.

Birthday Presents

My mom made me this for my birthday. That's me as a little blonde haired golfing god. Mom's are great at birthday presents. Even when you can't think of anything you need, they come up with something you love.

I especially like how I am swinging left handed with a right handed club. Probably why you see pictures of Tiger golfing correctly as a kid, and he went on to win millions, and why you see picture of me golfing as a kid, and I can only get down to a 13 handicap.

But I still love this frame. I will try to get a picture of the baseball frame she made me last year, and some more cute framed baby pictures for you to be jealous of this weekend. And hopefully I follow up with some Mexico pics and stories next week. My dumb ass forgot my camera so I have to get copies of pics from our friends.

Facts About Gus Vol. 15

He was the original Icy Hot Stunta. Gus has been straight ballin for years. Word.

How Many Men Does It Take To Open A Beer?

None. It should already be opened when she brings it to you.

Birthday quotes of the day

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
- Henny Youngman

Happy Birthday To Me,
Happy Birthday to Me,
Happy Birthday Dear Erik,
"LET'S GET PISSED!"

"One of the good things about getting older is you find yourself more interesting than most of the people you meet."
-Lee Marvin

Happy Berfday Gus

Happy B-Day Gus. You're the shit!

You've Got To See This

Holy shit!!!!!

Happy Birthdays!

Happy B-day Mrs. G-Dizzle. One more year.......

Gus, happy B-day tomorrow. Thanks for the awesome BBQ on the fourth. Even though you cheat at four-square.

Why I Love Maria....

A while ago I wrote a post about my Three. Emily was busting my balls on why Maria Sharapova made my list (along with Jessica Alba and Elisha Cuthbert). Well I think this picture explains it all.
Damn! Now I need a cold shower.

Beer Gardening

Saturday was the annual "Go Fourth" Beer Gardens here in town. From what I remember, it was a blast.
My day Saturday started off with some wiffleball. After having a couple of brews and kicking the shit out of the other team I headed home for a little rest.
My good buddy Tyler got married about two weeks ago in Hawaii and had his reception Saturday afternoon. I headed over there and had some brews, visited with Tyler, our buddy Shane and some others and even got lei'd. Twice. It was starting to be a very good evening.
The beer gardens are put on by a local committee here in town. They shoot for the day before the fourth of July every year, but some years they have to have it on the first or second, just so it falls on a weekend. The wedding reception I was at just happened to be right across the street from the beer gardens. The drunken gods were smiling upon me this day.
I wandered across the street and kept the good times going. Shortly thereafter I ran into Gus and we drank beer. And more beer. I also got to chat with a bunch of friends that I haven't seen in a long time.
Apparently I drank a little too much, as I don't remember about the last hour of the beer gardens or the stop by Taco Bell on the way home.
What I do remember is waking up on my couch at about 2.30 that night, not knowing where I was. I regained my composure, stumbled to bed, and passed the buck out.

If I said or did anything offensive to you while I was at the beer gardens, I'm sorry. Really.

I am the Champion, My Friends

So the Wiffleball League's World Series was today. My team won it all! The Series was set up as a best of five series. We won the first two, lost one then won the fourth game. You can go to the CCWA webpage for a complete recap.

I'm back

I'm back, and searching through old embarassing pictures of Nate and Todd from middle school and college to post on the internet. Fuck you guys. I wish I had thought of something so funny.

The one true thing out of all that is that I do have a pretty big movie collection. But thanks to a birthday present of a newly released classic on DVD, I finally have an old favorite to add to the collection.

This move was great. Best line: "Hubie Boobie? Don't call me that."

Facts About Gus Vol. 14

What most people don't know about Erik is that he used to be into politics. During his eighth grade year he not only was class president, but also treasurer and secretary.
I remember asking him one day why he was so into it because I thought it was a waste of time. His reply? "It's what Alex P. Keaton would do." I swear that Gus had a major man-crush on that guy. He even started calling himself Erik O. Guttormsen. He was planning a four-year long stranglehold on the class presidency that would last through high school.
During the election for class officials in ninth grade, Erik was called to his Guidance Counselor's office. The story is that one of Erik's interns from his eighth grade campaign had come forward and said that Erik had molested them with a candy cigarette.
Erik transferred schools the next morning, finishing his high school years at Mark Morris. He reached a settlement with his accuser a couple of years later. After the settlement his accuser, Anh Nguyen, moved to California never to be heard of again.

Facts About Gus Vol. 12

Many people don't know this, but for about six months after Erik graduated from WAZZU he competed in a midget-tossing league. It was one of the underground, 'Fight Club' type deals. His team wasn't very good when Erik joined, but he started bringing them back. With two games left to go in the season Erik steps up to the line with his midget (BoPhal Khim) and gave him a hell of a heave. His team was down by thirteen feet, but Erik was averaging fifteen feet eight inches on his tosses. As he released BoPhal into the stratosphere he heard a "pop". Erik's career as a midget tosser was over.

Facts About Gus Vol. 11

In 1993, during the end of his sophomore year of high school, Erik told his English teacher Mr. Ramos that he was a Dikfore. This was the first time this prank has every been pulled. Mr. Ramos responded back "What's a dikfore?" The rest is history.
Here is Mr. Ramos wearing his Dikfore shirt proudly.

Facts About Gus Vol. 9

As anybody who has ever read this blog knows, Erik is a video-game fanatic. He has been ever since I can remember. When I was younger, I remember going over to his house and playing either Atari, Sega, Nintendo, Super Nintendo or the Turbografx 16. Most of you will recognize the first four I mentioned but you're probably scratching your head at the mention of the Turbografx.
This particular system came out at about the same time as the Super Nintendo and the Sega Genesis. For some reason, Erik didn't have a Super Nintendo at the time and he asked for a Turbografx for his B-day. Well not only did he get the system and about 20 games but he also got the brand new Turbografx 16 CD. This bad boy played games off of compact discs! The technology was insane!
I remember going to his house to play his new system, and he was playing this brand new samurai game that was on his Turbografx CD. While the graphics of this game were breathtaking at the time, the controls weren't very good. I recall Erik's character committing hari-kari over and over again cause he couldn't hit the right buttons. That poor samurai killed himself a couple hundred times. To me, this was hilarious.
Well G-Fed kept playing his Turbografx and got really good. I remember his agent (remember the Alf days?) calling him and telling him that Turbografx was in the works with a major Movie Studio to produce a movie about it's system. Erik flew down to California and auditioned for the part.
Well before he heard anything back from the studio, the project was scrapped. They decided to change the story over to Nintendo and it's new 'Power Glove' and Super Mario Bros. 3 game. Instead of giving Erik, a natural video gamer, a shot at the lead role they handed it over to that whiny bitch Fred Savage.
Erik was devastated. He vowed to never watch anything with Fred Savage in it again and still gets angry at the mere mention of him or one of his movies. Just try bringing up the Wonder Years or the Princess Bride. Let me know how that works out for you.

Facts About Gus Vol. 8

After reading a couple of Smooty's posts on Gus, one memory became crystal clear. I now remember where he learned his vicious dance moves. It ties into his love of movies also.
I remember when I first met Erik, he had me come over to hang out at his house after school. I remember riding my Stu Thompson edition Huffy over to house with a backpack full of baseball cards. I knew Gus had a good collection of cards and was hoping to do some trading. I got out of my chores for the day and made it to Erik's house earlier than I originally had thought.
I knocked on the front door and Erik's dad let me in. He told me he was downstairs watching movies. I headed down and found Erik watching a video.
On Betamax.
The video?
The Making of Michael Jackson's Thriller.
Little did I know that Erik was honing his dance moves.
He quickly ejected the tape and turned the TV off, but he was sweating pretty badly. I figured he had just ran home from school, but in all reality he was home working on his moves.
Who knew that without Betamax, the world would never have G-Fed, the white pants or the Pop And Lock. Thank you Betamax.

Facts About Gus Vol. 6

Erik loves hot dogs (referred to as wieners from here on out). Well he used to anyways.
His love affair ended on August 21st, 1998. That was the day he participated in the one and only, Nathan's Hot-Dog Eating Championship.
You see Erik started eating wieners at an early age. And he was good. He could sit down and devour a plate of wieners in a couple of minutes.
He kept on eating wieners all through high school. He was a wiener eating fool. Around the time of graduation he decided he would like to compete on a national level. He wanted to show the world how good of a wiener-eater he was.
After his junior year of college, Erik spent the summer high up in the Rocky Mountains training for the big Nathan's Championship. He was determined to win. He did nothing but drink beer, play Goldeneye on the N64 and eat wieners. He ate more wieners that summer than Kobayashi ever could dream of. This picture was taken as we were driving down off of the mountains at the end of summer. It was his last wiener before the competition. Look at how happy he is. The happiness would soon be gone.
The day of the contest arrived and Erik was easily the favorite to win it all. He advanced through the first couple of rounds and made it all the way to the finals. What would happen next, stunned everybody.
Erik buzz-sawed his way through the last round, decimating his competition. He was a flurry of gluttony. It looked like Erik defeated the rest of the competitors.
Then the judges stepped in. Erik was taken offstage and led to the judges quarters. There it was determined that Erik had cheated. I won't say how or where wieners were found but Erik was eliminated and banned from all future contests. He vowed to only eat wieners for personal joy, not competition.

Facts About Gus Vol. 5

Erik got the taste of the good life at a relatively early age. While Erik was in elementary school, his family went on vacation to the happiest place in California. While at Knott's Berry Farm, Erik was discovered by a major Hollywood talent agent. This agent guaranteed Erik's parents that he could turn Erik into a major television star.
Erik's parents weren't too sure about the idea, but Erik pleaded with them to let him try. They arranged for Erik to stay with his "Uncles" in San Francisco who would take him to auditions and casting calls.
At only his second casting call, Erik hit paydirt. It was for a show that the National Broadcasting Channel (a.k.a. NBC) was producing. Erik landed the lead role of ALF. He had no idea how much his life was about to change.
The first season, Alf was an amazing surprise hit. The network signed Erik to a multi-year contract to make sure and keep the cast together.
Erik was in costume during filming so the general public had no idea who he was. The other actors on the show were getting practically mugged everywhere they went. Alf was the biggest thing to happen to NBC since the television was invented. Not getting noticed pissed Erik off immensely.
That is when the drinking started. Erik hit the bottle and he hit it hard. He started forgetting his lines, passing out on the set and puking into his fur. It was pathetic.
Erik was released two shows into season three. He moved back to Longview and hasn't mentioned anything about his "acting" career since the early 90's. If you run into him, please don't bring it up.

Facts About Gus Vol. 3

Erik O. Guttormsen is a Furby Fanatic. He started collecting in high school and spent his weekends going to Furby-Fests and buying every Furby he could get his hands on. He spent many a lonely night with just the incessant chatter of the Furbies keeping him company. His prized possesion is seen here in his right hand. The "Zebra-furb" as Gus called it was "one day gonna be worth big bucks!" Um, Okay Gus. He has had to hide his love for his Furbie Friends once him and Abby got together. She then sold them on eBay while Erik was in class. She made a whoppin seventeen dollars. Erik cried for days. What a punk ass bee-yatch. But it needed to be done. Thank you Abby. Thank you very much.

Facts About Gus Vol. 1

Since Erik is a dick and went to Mexico for a week, I have decided that Smooty and I should publish little known facts about the creator of NOSE. I will get the ball rolling, but I'm sure Smoot has his share of little known facts about Gus. I mean they did go to college together. And since Erik isn't here to censor our asses, it's free game.

Fact #1 : Erik *LOVES* Kris Kross. He has seen them in concert seventeen times. I know this because he has the ticket stubs laminated and attached to a necklace he puts on when he wants to feel "gangsta". He even still listens to Totally Krossed Out on a daily basis. In fact, he picked me up for wiffle-ball last week and had "I missed the bus" cranking out of his stereo system. It was wiggity, wiggity wack.

Getting Charged

Boy was I dragging ass this morning. When the alarm went off this morning I knew it was going to be a long day. Lucky for me I have Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink! I am so fucking charged up now that I feel like I'm Under Siege. There's a Fire Down Below and it's Hard to Kill but I'm Out for Justice On Deadly Ground and it's most likely gonna leave Exit Wounds on The Patriot. I should probably ask my boss about it though because it seems like an Executive Decision. I forgot where this is heading so I'm just gonna stop now. I'm sorry.

The Three

One night a couple of months ago me and my now ex were having a chat about cheating. And although it's never right, I told her that she would have to give me a free pass when it came to three ladies. She agreed and said it was only right if she had a free pass also. The Three was born.
The Three is three people out there, that if you had a chance to hook up with, you could and your significant other had to let it slide. One rule was that they had to be famous people that were pretty much unattainable. You couldn't say somebody that you actually knew.
I braced myself for the worst when I asked the ex who her three were. I was actually pretty relieved when she said Jake Gyllenhaal (gay), Derek Jeter (flaming gay), and Carrot Top (huh?).
This brings us to my Three. And although this list has changed a couple of times, I feel pretty good about it. Lindsey Lohan was up there, but she's kind of let herself go lately. I just watched the Girl Next Door again, so welcome to my Three Elisha.
Jessica. The Shit.
Elisha Cuthbert.
Maria Sharapova.




So who's in your Three?

Tootsie Pop

ONLINE POLL
Do you, or do you not, get a free tootsie pop if your wrapper has an indian shooting a star?

The Beer Of Summer

It's official. I am officially declaring New Belgium's Skinny Dip the Beer of Summer.
I was introduced to this beer about two weeks ago and it was love at first drink. It is the perfect beer for the beach, picnics, hanging out at the lake or river, BBQs, the 4th of July (it's American), concerts, midget tossing, karaoke, golf, kayaking, wiffleball, bowling, hang-gliding, walking the dog and for just hanging out with friends.
As we speak, I have a tasty six-pack chilling in my fridge that I am going enjoy right after work.
If you have the means, I highly recommend it.

Ooohhhh, Mexico

Oohhhh, Mexico, I can't wait to go. http://www.paradisevillage.com/

If anyone needs a bottle of tequila or a pair of oakey's, let me know, as I shall be travelling to a land where no one will call me to check the status of their loan request. And I won't have to vacuum or cook dinner. And I will only get up early if I am thirsty for a margarita. I'm getting just a little bit of a chub thinking about it, and can't concentrate anymore, so see you in a couple weeks...

"I'm Pimpin' It"

This has got to be the coolest car ever*!
Starting at the ground, you gotta love the 26" red and yellow rims that match the not only the paint job, but the interior. Sweet Ass Candy.
My only worries are that Ronald McDonald is tied up in the trunk...


*This car is definitely not the coolest car ever

Intellectual Conversation (by email)

-I love ripping on Todd. It makes my day.
Erik
-HA HA HA you are so funny I forgot to kick you in the jimmy's!
Todd
-jimmys? I thought jimmy was slang for penis, not balls? anyways, I am funnier than you.
Erik
-A jimmy is the shlong.....when your putting on a jimmy hat it doesn't cover your balls
Thank you,Nate
-It is corporate email ..lingo for your baby makers. I have a wide foot I will get both of them.
Todd
-I agree with Nate. Jimmy is shlong. Jimmy hat is well known. whoever told you jimmys was balls is stupid. and you should have corrected them.
Erik
-That is it. I am good at boxing and when I get down there you are both getting punched in the twins …just don’t run because I am fat and don’t like to run
Todd
-When was the last time you saw your jimmy? I think that may be why your so angry.....
Nate

All-Stars

http://www.geocities.com/wiffleballrankings/WestAllstars.html
First Nate and Erik make the American League All-Star team for the CCWA, and now they have been voted to the West Region's All-Star team on wiffleballrankings.com

I know you are all excited, but once we get our new shipment of 2006 Topps, we will sure to make autographed cards available to all of you.

Edit: Smoot brags a lot, so when he comes to town, we are having a wiffleball game so he can prove himself. And we will borrow one of those little school size rulers so he can have a penis measuring contest too. And lose a bet to himself!

Wiffleball, Gen-Pets, Inventory, Bachelor Parties, Wedding Season, 4th of July

So my team has two more games left this wiffleball season before we start the playoffs. Tomorrow night my team, the Suckerpunch Pirates, is taking on Erik's team the Bruce Lee Wannabes. Erik wasn't able to play in our first two games so it'll be interesting to see how he does. I was calling my players last night and found out two of my more regular players weren't going to be able to make it. Andy joined our team at mid-season and just last weekend hit a grand slam. He has to work. Skyy (just like the vodka) has been with the team since we started and can pretty much play any position. He too has to work. Damn the man!

I posted a little pic last week about these little things called Gen-pets. Well it turns out it is all a big hoax done by some canadian artist. He didn't really give that good of a reason on why he does it just saying "I’m not against bioengineering, I’m simply hesitant towards where and how and by whom the technology will be used. That’s what this art sums up". Ughh, Okay weirdo.

As most of you have heard, I have inventory this weekend at my work. Inventory is usually an all weekend thing here. Last year we started on Friday morning, worked til about 2 am, came in Saturday at 8 and worked til midnight. This year it should be a little bit better. I'm hoping to be out of hear at a reasonable time on Saturday.

Because Saturday is Teabag's bachelor party. Actually it starts Friday with some camping in Bend, OR. Then Saturday they all are going white-water rafting while I have to work. After they are done rafting, everybody is heading back to Portland for some partying. If I'm lucky I will get out of work sometime Saturday evening and have time to drive down there and catch the end of the party. I *heart* Bachelor Parties. And I hear Teabag's party is gonna involve a Donkey.

It seems like all of my friends that didn't get married during the now infamous 2001-2002 wedding season are getting married this Summer. As of current count I have five weddings and receptions to attend this summer. And I can think of at least another one that I haven't heard the date of yet. One of those five that I have to attend is my brother T.R. Rumor has it that I am in the wedding, but as of know he hasn't mentioned it. It's two month's away and if I'm gonna be the best man (hopefully not, we'll get into that some other time) I would like to know so I can begin planning the bachelor party.

Weddings are a blast. Everybody's dressed sharp, it's Summertime and nice out, and there is usually a bar. If it's an open bar, that's even more reason to celebrate. It's gonna be a very fun, busy, drunken summer highlighted by the Fourth of July.

I am gonna get so drunk this year that my piss will be at least 60 proof. I am gonna take it a little easy at the Beer Gardens on the first. The CCWA playoffs and World Series will be on the second. I probably will stay pretty sober at that too. My team needs to win. I have to work the third, but plan on getting WASTED that evening. (Gus, you know I'm serious when I use the capitals) And then on the fourth I'm gonna hang out with the Guttormsens and drink myself into Williamson status. If you are around on the fourth, Do Not let me play with fireworks. It will only end in disaster. Trust me on this.

Why I love being a guy

Because, as a guy you don't get wedding, wedding shower, baby shower, and bacheloretter party invites. You get one invite. Invite to the bachelor party, and if you have a girlfriend or wife, you will probably get a wedding invite too, although I would be okay with an email and reminder of the date while drinking at the bachelor party. Only guys can send out an email to attend camping/drinking/white trash olympics, as well as come up with the plans for said events 0n a bar napkin. It sucks I can't go, but the idea is so great, I felt it had to be published. Any sport that involves drinking and competing is okay by me. First dodgeball, then kickball, now wiffleball, and the cou de' gra (or however the fuck you spell that) WHITE TRASH OLYMPICS.

(p.s. Yours truly is up for player of the year in the Cowlitz County Wiffleball League. Please take this opportunity to go to the above league to check out my team, and then go to the homepage and cast your vote. I bribe with cheap beer, and lots of it.)

Big Ben's 2006 Topps

I'm sorry, it's too funny not to post. What a retard. "When I ride in the future, I will wear a helmet. Rocckkky Rooad, Bay-Bey Ruthhh"

What The Hell Are These?

My friend Erica sent me an e-mail yesterday with this site in it. Holy shit was the only thing I could think of when I saw it. Some company in Canada has bio-engineered a living mammal type creature. It kinda looks like Golem from LOTR. Too crazy to explain. You have to check this out. Just click on the picture. Leave a comment, let me know if you're as weirded out by these little guys as I am.....


Have a great weekend everybody.

Wiffleball

So we are down to two more weeks in the Cowlitz County Wiffleball Association regular season before we have our championship series. There are lots of good games this weekend, as it is interleague play. My team, the 9-3 Pirates, will be taking on the National League leaders, 9-3 Jackmove. This has a chance of being one of the greatest games of the year. It should be fun.
As I was surfing the web the other day I found WiffleballRankings, and I thought it would be interesting to submit our league. Well we were reviewed yesterday and it was determined that we have the number 2 league in the West Region. I think we have a legitimate shot at number one. I checked out the Fresno Wiffleball League's page yesterday and wasn't too impressed.
Next week on Wednesday is my team's last two games of the season. We just so happen to be playing Erik's Bruce Lee Wannabes. The last time we played, Erik couldn't make it and we ended up destroying them. Gus is quite the baller so it should be a great couple of games. Unless we just give him the Barry Bonds treatment and walk him. That would probably be the best.

Good Joke

I know that I've already posted about fifteen times today, but seeing how it is slow at work today I figured one more wouldn't hurt. I just got this joke from Tara, who is the piss in my pants, here goes.

Two Trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch."
"It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

White Trash Tattoo (Uncensored)

Just got some fresh ink. I think the ladies are gonna love this one...

Did you miss last week?

For those of you chiming in that may have been busy last week, it would be worth your time to go back and check out the Sin City stories and Mis-adventures of Willie. Classics in the making.
http://gus008.blogspot.com/2006_06_04_gus008_archive.html

and because posts gotta have something new and exciting...
Comeback of the Week:
You are lame smoot.
comeback:
You are lame turd burgler!

Comics Rock

I came on to post the Get Fuzzy comic and remark about Censorship, but Nate beat me to both of those. On the plus side, while going to get the link to the Get Fuzzy comic, I found a couple other great ones that needed to be seen.

(damn, can't get the foxtrot comic from today to upload.) today's foxtrot, but here's the caption I wanted. "It's okay, my parents are cool with it."

Also, I was very disturbed by a few of the 4 headlines that popped on on my Adelphia homepage.
Hicks Tops People's 'Hot Bachelor' List
NEW YORK (AP) — "American Idol" Taylor Hicks is ranked as the No. 1 "hottest bachelor" by People magazine — and he's looking for love. The 29-year-old silver-haired crooner tops People's... Full Story
• Teen Uses Video Games to Become Racer
• Bush: E-Mail on Alberto 'Inappropriate'
• Study: Meth Use Rare in Most of the U.S.

• The old looking dude on American Idol is not hot. Sorry about that. He ranks right up there with Mulgrew, in the fact that he is popular and deserves a good woman, but not hot.
• I think Video Games are good, and here is another article backing me up.
• Bush does something inappropriate everyday. Granted, I didn't even click on this one, but lets assume something funny like an email of Alberto with a huge cock pasted on or something. Very funny, but probably considered inapproprate by those right wingers. or is it left wingers. Probably all wingers. Fuckin narrow minded wingers.
• If meth is so rare in the U.S., what Country is Longview in? I thought we were in the U.S., but I guess we are annexed like Wyoming.

Test Post

Drake

I can't even describe how much I like this comic strip. Get Fuzzy Rules!
I used to live with my buddy Tosh a couple of years ago. Tosh had this siamese cat Drake, that I believe Bucky in Get Fuzzy was based upon. He was an arrogant, stubborn, cranky little bitch of a cat.

CENSORSHIP

What is wrong with the world today when you can't even post a picture of your new tattoo?

Now I know how the 2 Live Crew must've felt.