Birthday Presents

My mom made me this for my birthday. That's me as a little blonde haired golfing god. Mom's are great at birthday presents. Even when you can't think of anything you need, they come up with something you love.

I especially like how I am swinging left handed with a right handed club. Probably why you see pictures of Tiger golfing correctly as a kid, and he went on to win millions, and why you see picture of me golfing as a kid, and I can only get down to a 13 handicap.

But I still love this frame. I will try to get a picture of the baseball frame she made me last year, and some more cute framed baby pictures for you to be jealous of this weekend. And hopefully I follow up with some Mexico pics and stories next week. My dumb ass forgot my camera so I have to get copies of pics from our friends.

Facts About Gus Vol. 15

He was the original Icy Hot Stunta. Gus has been straight ballin for years. Word.

How Many Men Does It Take To Open A Beer?

None. It should already be opened when she brings it to you.

Birthday quotes of the day

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
- Henny Youngman

Happy Birthday To Me,
Happy Birthday to Me,
Happy Birthday Dear Erik,
"LET'S GET PISSED!"

"One of the good things about getting older is you find yourself more interesting than most of the people you meet."
-Lee Marvin

Happy Berfday Gus

Happy B-Day Gus. You're the shit!

You've Got To See This

Holy shit!!!!!

Happy Birthdays!

Happy B-day Mrs. G-Dizzle. One more year.......

Gus, happy B-day tomorrow. Thanks for the awesome BBQ on the fourth. Even though you cheat at four-square.

Why I Love Maria....

A while ago I wrote a post about my Three. Emily was busting my balls on why Maria Sharapova made my list (along with Jessica Alba and Elisha Cuthbert). Well I think this picture explains it all.
Damn! Now I need a cold shower.

Beer Gardening

Saturday was the annual "Go Fourth" Beer Gardens here in town. From what I remember, it was a blast.
My day Saturday started off with some wiffleball. After having a couple of brews and kicking the shit out of the other team I headed home for a little rest.
My good buddy Tyler got married about two weeks ago in Hawaii and had his reception Saturday afternoon. I headed over there and had some brews, visited with Tyler, our buddy Shane and some others and even got lei'd. Twice. It was starting to be a very good evening.
The beer gardens are put on by a local committee here in town. They shoot for the day before the fourth of July every year, but some years they have to have it on the first or second, just so it falls on a weekend. The wedding reception I was at just happened to be right across the street from the beer gardens. The drunken gods were smiling upon me this day.
I wandered across the street and kept the good times going. Shortly thereafter I ran into Gus and we drank beer. And more beer. I also got to chat with a bunch of friends that I haven't seen in a long time.
Apparently I drank a little too much, as I don't remember about the last hour of the beer gardens or the stop by Taco Bell on the way home.
What I do remember is waking up on my couch at about 2.30 that night, not knowing where I was. I regained my composure, stumbled to bed, and passed the buck out.

If I said or did anything offensive to you while I was at the beer gardens, I'm sorry. Really.

I am the Champion, My Friends

So the Wiffleball League's World Series was today. My team won it all! The Series was set up as a best of five series. We won the first two, lost one then won the fourth game. You can go to the CCWA webpage for a complete recap.

I'm back

I'm back, and searching through old embarassing pictures of Nate and Todd from middle school and college to post on the internet. Fuck you guys. I wish I had thought of something so funny.

The one true thing out of all that is that I do have a pretty big movie collection. But thanks to a birthday present of a newly released classic on DVD, I finally have an old favorite to add to the collection.

This move was great. Best line: "Hubie Boobie? Don't call me that."

Facts About Gus Vol. 14

What most people don't know about Erik is that he used to be into politics. During his eighth grade year he not only was class president, but also treasurer and secretary.
I remember asking him one day why he was so into it because I thought it was a waste of time. His reply? "It's what Alex P. Keaton would do." I swear that Gus had a major man-crush on that guy. He even started calling himself Erik O. Guttormsen. He was planning a four-year long stranglehold on the class presidency that would last through high school.
During the election for class officials in ninth grade, Erik was called to his Guidance Counselor's office. The story is that one of Erik's interns from his eighth grade campaign had come forward and said that Erik had molested them with a candy cigarette.
Erik transferred schools the next morning, finishing his high school years at Mark Morris. He reached a settlement with his accuser a couple of years later. After the settlement his accuser, Anh Nguyen, moved to California never to be heard of again.

Facts About Gus Vol. 12

Many people don't know this, but for about six months after Erik graduated from WAZZU he competed in a midget-tossing league. It was one of the underground, 'Fight Club' type deals. His team wasn't very good when Erik joined, but he started bringing them back. With two games left to go in the season Erik steps up to the line with his midget (BoPhal Khim) and gave him a hell of a heave. His team was down by thirteen feet, but Erik was averaging fifteen feet eight inches on his tosses. As he released BoPhal into the stratosphere he heard a "pop". Erik's career as a midget tosser was over.

Facts About Gus Vol. 11

In 1993, during the end of his sophomore year of high school, Erik told his English teacher Mr. Ramos that he was a Dikfore. This was the first time this prank has every been pulled. Mr. Ramos responded back "What's a dikfore?" The rest is history.
Here is Mr. Ramos wearing his Dikfore shirt proudly.

Facts About Gus Vol. 9

As anybody who has ever read this blog knows, Erik is a video-game fanatic. He has been ever since I can remember. When I was younger, I remember going over to his house and playing either Atari, Sega, Nintendo, Super Nintendo or the Turbografx 16. Most of you will recognize the first four I mentioned but you're probably scratching your head at the mention of the Turbografx.
This particular system came out at about the same time as the Super Nintendo and the Sega Genesis. For some reason, Erik didn't have a Super Nintendo at the time and he asked for a Turbografx for his B-day. Well not only did he get the system and about 20 games but he also got the brand new Turbografx 16 CD. This bad boy played games off of compact discs! The technology was insane!
I remember going to his house to play his new system, and he was playing this brand new samurai game that was on his Turbografx CD. While the graphics of this game were breathtaking at the time, the controls weren't very good. I recall Erik's character committing hari-kari over and over again cause he couldn't hit the right buttons. That poor samurai killed himself a couple hundred times. To me, this was hilarious.
Well G-Fed kept playing his Turbografx and got really good. I remember his agent (remember the Alf days?) calling him and telling him that Turbografx was in the works with a major Movie Studio to produce a movie about it's system. Erik flew down to California and auditioned for the part.
Well before he heard anything back from the studio, the project was scrapped. They decided to change the story over to Nintendo and it's new 'Power Glove' and Super Mario Bros. 3 game. Instead of giving Erik, a natural video gamer, a shot at the lead role they handed it over to that whiny bitch Fred Savage.
Erik was devastated. He vowed to never watch anything with Fred Savage in it again and still gets angry at the mere mention of him or one of his movies. Just try bringing up the Wonder Years or the Princess Bride. Let me know how that works out for you.

Facts About Gus Vol. 8

After reading a couple of Smooty's posts on Gus, one memory became crystal clear. I now remember where he learned his vicious dance moves. It ties into his love of movies also.
I remember when I first met Erik, he had me come over to hang out at his house after school. I remember riding my Stu Thompson edition Huffy over to house with a backpack full of baseball cards. I knew Gus had a good collection of cards and was hoping to do some trading. I got out of my chores for the day and made it to Erik's house earlier than I originally had thought.
I knocked on the front door and Erik's dad let me in. He told me he was downstairs watching movies. I headed down and found Erik watching a video.
On Betamax.
The video?
The Making of Michael Jackson's Thriller.
Little did I know that Erik was honing his dance moves.
He quickly ejected the tape and turned the TV off, but he was sweating pretty badly. I figured he had just ran home from school, but in all reality he was home working on his moves.
Who knew that without Betamax, the world would never have G-Fed, the white pants or the Pop And Lock. Thank you Betamax.

Facts About Gus Vol. 6

Erik loves hot dogs (referred to as wieners from here on out). Well he used to anyways.
His love affair ended on August 21st, 1998. That was the day he participated in the one and only, Nathan's Hot-Dog Eating Championship.
You see Erik started eating wieners at an early age. And he was good. He could sit down and devour a plate of wieners in a couple of minutes.
He kept on eating wieners all through high school. He was a wiener eating fool. Around the time of graduation he decided he would like to compete on a national level. He wanted to show the world how good of a wiener-eater he was.
After his junior year of college, Erik spent the summer high up in the Rocky Mountains training for the big Nathan's Championship. He was determined to win. He did nothing but drink beer, play Goldeneye on the N64 and eat wieners. He ate more wieners that summer than Kobayashi ever could dream of. This picture was taken as we were driving down off of the mountains at the end of summer. It was his last wiener before the competition. Look at how happy he is. The happiness would soon be gone.
The day of the contest arrived and Erik was easily the favorite to win it all. He advanced through the first couple of rounds and made it all the way to the finals. What would happen next, stunned everybody.
Erik buzz-sawed his way through the last round, decimating his competition. He was a flurry of gluttony. It looked like Erik defeated the rest of the competitors.
Then the judges stepped in. Erik was taken offstage and led to the judges quarters. There it was determined that Erik had cheated. I won't say how or where wieners were found but Erik was eliminated and banned from all future contests. He vowed to only eat wieners for personal joy, not competition.

Facts About Gus Vol. 5

Erik got the taste of the good life at a relatively early age. While Erik was in elementary school, his family went on vacation to the happiest place in California. While at Knott's Berry Farm, Erik was discovered by a major Hollywood talent agent. This agent guaranteed Erik's parents that he could turn Erik into a major television star.
Erik's parents weren't too sure about the idea, but Erik pleaded with them to let him try. They arranged for Erik to stay with his "Uncles" in San Francisco who would take him to auditions and casting calls.
At only his second casting call, Erik hit paydirt. It was for a show that the National Broadcasting Channel (a.k.a. NBC) was producing. Erik landed the lead role of ALF. He had no idea how much his life was about to change.
The first season, Alf was an amazing surprise hit. The network signed Erik to a multi-year contract to make sure and keep the cast together.
Erik was in costume during filming so the general public had no idea who he was. The other actors on the show were getting practically mugged everywhere they went. Alf was the biggest thing to happen to NBC since the television was invented. Not getting noticed pissed Erik off immensely.
That is when the drinking started. Erik hit the bottle and he hit it hard. He started forgetting his lines, passing out on the set and puking into his fur. It was pathetic.
Erik was released two shows into season three. He moved back to Longview and hasn't mentioned anything about his "acting" career since the early 90's. If you run into him, please don't bring it up.

Facts About Gus Vol. 3

Erik O. Guttormsen is a Furby Fanatic. He started collecting in high school and spent his weekends going to Furby-Fests and buying every Furby he could get his hands on. He spent many a lonely night with just the incessant chatter of the Furbies keeping him company. His prized possesion is seen here in his right hand. The "Zebra-furb" as Gus called it was "one day gonna be worth big bucks!" Um, Okay Gus. He has had to hide his love for his Furbie Friends once him and Abby got together. She then sold them on eBay while Erik was in class. She made a whoppin seventeen dollars. Erik cried for days. What a punk ass bee-yatch. But it needed to be done. Thank you Abby. Thank you very much.

Facts About Gus Vol. 1

Since Erik is a dick and went to Mexico for a week, I have decided that Smooty and I should publish little known facts about the creator of NOSE. I will get the ball rolling, but I'm sure Smoot has his share of little known facts about Gus. I mean they did go to college together. And since Erik isn't here to censor our asses, it's free game.

Fact #1 : Erik *LOVES* Kris Kross. He has seen them in concert seventeen times. I know this because he has the ticket stubs laminated and attached to a necklace he puts on when he wants to feel "gangsta". He even still listens to Totally Krossed Out on a daily basis. In fact, he picked me up for wiffle-ball last week and had "I missed the bus" cranking out of his stereo system. It was wiggity, wiggity wack.

Getting Charged

Boy was I dragging ass this morning. When the alarm went off this morning I knew it was going to be a long day. Lucky for me I have Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink! I am so fucking charged up now that I feel like I'm Under Siege. There's a Fire Down Below and it's Hard to Kill but I'm Out for Justice On Deadly Ground and it's most likely gonna leave Exit Wounds on The Patriot. I should probably ask my boss about it though because it seems like an Executive Decision. I forgot where this is heading so I'm just gonna stop now. I'm sorry.

The Three

One night a couple of months ago me and my now ex were having a chat about cheating. And although it's never right, I told her that she would have to give me a free pass when it came to three ladies. She agreed and said it was only right if she had a free pass also. The Three was born.
The Three is three people out there, that if you had a chance to hook up with, you could and your significant other had to let it slide. One rule was that they had to be famous people that were pretty much unattainable. You couldn't say somebody that you actually knew.
I braced myself for the worst when I asked the ex who her three were. I was actually pretty relieved when she said Jake Gyllenhaal (gay), Derek Jeter (flaming gay), and Carrot Top (huh?).
This brings us to my Three. And although this list has changed a couple of times, I feel pretty good about it. Lindsey Lohan was up there, but she's kind of let herself go lately. I just watched the Girl Next Door again, so welcome to my Three Elisha.
Jessica. The Shit.
Elisha Cuthbert.
Maria Sharapova.




So who's in your Three?

Tootsie Pop

ONLINE POLL
Do you, or do you not, get a free tootsie pop if your wrapper has an indian shooting a star?

The Beer Of Summer

It's official. I am officially declaring New Belgium's Skinny Dip the Beer of Summer.
I was introduced to this beer about two weeks ago and it was love at first drink. It is the perfect beer for the beach, picnics, hanging out at the lake or river, BBQs, the 4th of July (it's American), concerts, midget tossing, karaoke, golf, kayaking, wiffleball, bowling, hang-gliding, walking the dog and for just hanging out with friends.
As we speak, I have a tasty six-pack chilling in my fridge that I am going enjoy right after work.
If you have the means, I highly recommend it.

Ooohhhh, Mexico

Oohhhh, Mexico, I can't wait to go. http://www.paradisevillage.com/

If anyone needs a bottle of tequila or a pair of oakey's, let me know, as I shall be travelling to a land where no one will call me to check the status of their loan request. And I won't have to vacuum or cook dinner. And I will only get up early if I am thirsty for a margarita. I'm getting just a little bit of a chub thinking about it, and can't concentrate anymore, so see you in a couple weeks...

"I'm Pimpin' It"

This has got to be the coolest car ever*!
Starting at the ground, you gotta love the 26" red and yellow rims that match the not only the paint job, but the interior. Sweet Ass Candy.
My only worries are that Ronald McDonald is tied up in the trunk...


*This car is definitely not the coolest car ever

Intellectual Conversation (by email)

-I love ripping on Todd. It makes my day.
Erik
-HA HA HA you are so funny I forgot to kick you in the jimmy's!
Todd
-jimmys? I thought jimmy was slang for penis, not balls? anyways, I am funnier than you.
Erik
-A jimmy is the shlong.....when your putting on a jimmy hat it doesn't cover your balls
Thank you,Nate
-It is corporate email ..lingo for your baby makers. I have a wide foot I will get both of them.
Todd
-I agree with Nate. Jimmy is shlong. Jimmy hat is well known. whoever told you jimmys was balls is stupid. and you should have corrected them.
Erik
-That is it. I am good at boxing and when I get down there you are both getting punched in the twins …just don’t run because I am fat and don’t like to run
Todd
-When was the last time you saw your jimmy? I think that may be why your so angry.....
Nate

All-Stars

http://www.geocities.com/wiffleballrankings/WestAllstars.html
First Nate and Erik make the American League All-Star team for the CCWA, and now they have been voted to the West Region's All-Star team on wiffleballrankings.com

I know you are all excited, but once we get our new shipment of 2006 Topps, we will sure to make autographed cards available to all of you.

Edit: Smoot brags a lot, so when he comes to town, we are having a wiffleball game so he can prove himself. And we will borrow one of those little school size rulers so he can have a penis measuring contest too. And lose a bet to himself!

Wiffleball, Gen-Pets, Inventory, Bachelor Parties, Wedding Season, 4th of July

So my team has two more games left this wiffleball season before we start the playoffs. Tomorrow night my team, the Suckerpunch Pirates, is taking on Erik's team the Bruce Lee Wannabes. Erik wasn't able to play in our first two games so it'll be interesting to see how he does. I was calling my players last night and found out two of my more regular players weren't going to be able to make it. Andy joined our team at mid-season and just last weekend hit a grand slam. He has to work. Skyy (just like the vodka) has been with the team since we started and can pretty much play any position. He too has to work. Damn the man!

I posted a little pic last week about these little things called Gen-pets. Well it turns out it is all a big hoax done by some canadian artist. He didn't really give that good of a reason on why he does it just saying "I’m not against bioengineering, I’m simply hesitant towards where and how and by whom the technology will be used. That’s what this art sums up". Ughh, Okay weirdo.

As most of you have heard, I have inventory this weekend at my work. Inventory is usually an all weekend thing here. Last year we started on Friday morning, worked til about 2 am, came in Saturday at 8 and worked til midnight. This year it should be a little bit better. I'm hoping to be out of hear at a reasonable time on Saturday.

Because Saturday is Teabag's bachelor party. Actually it starts Friday with some camping in Bend, OR. Then Saturday they all are going white-water rafting while I have to work. After they are done rafting, everybody is heading back to Portland for some partying. If I'm lucky I will get out of work sometime Saturday evening and have time to drive down there and catch the end of the party. I *heart* Bachelor Parties. And I hear Teabag's party is gonna involve a Donkey.

It seems like all of my friends that didn't get married during the now infamous 2001-2002 wedding season are getting married this Summer. As of current count I have five weddings and receptions to attend this summer. And I can think of at least another one that I haven't heard the date of yet. One of those five that I have to attend is my brother T.R. Rumor has it that I am in the wedding, but as of know he hasn't mentioned it. It's two month's away and if I'm gonna be the best man (hopefully not, we'll get into that some other time) I would like to know so I can begin planning the bachelor party.

Weddings are a blast. Everybody's dressed sharp, it's Summertime and nice out, and there is usually a bar. If it's an open bar, that's even more reason to celebrate. It's gonna be a very fun, busy, drunken summer highlighted by the Fourth of July.

I am gonna get so drunk this year that my piss will be at least 60 proof. I am gonna take it a little easy at the Beer Gardens on the first. The CCWA playoffs and World Series will be on the second. I probably will stay pretty sober at that too. My team needs to win. I have to work the third, but plan on getting WASTED that evening. (Gus, you know I'm serious when I use the capitals) And then on the fourth I'm gonna hang out with the Guttormsens and drink myself into Williamson status. If you are around on the fourth, Do Not let me play with fireworks. It will only end in disaster. Trust me on this.

Why I love being a guy

Because, as a guy you don't get wedding, wedding shower, baby shower, and bacheloretter party invites. You get one invite. Invite to the bachelor party, and if you have a girlfriend or wife, you will probably get a wedding invite too, although I would be okay with an email and reminder of the date while drinking at the bachelor party. Only guys can send out an email to attend camping/drinking/white trash olympics, as well as come up with the plans for said events 0n a bar napkin. It sucks I can't go, but the idea is so great, I felt it had to be published. Any sport that involves drinking and competing is okay by me. First dodgeball, then kickball, now wiffleball, and the cou de' gra (or however the fuck you spell that) WHITE TRASH OLYMPICS.

(p.s. Yours truly is up for player of the year in the Cowlitz County Wiffleball League. Please take this opportunity to go to the above league to check out my team, and then go to the homepage and cast your vote. I bribe with cheap beer, and lots of it.)

Big Ben's 2006 Topps

I'm sorry, it's too funny not to post. What a retard. "When I ride in the future, I will wear a helmet. Rocckkky Rooad, Bay-Bey Ruthhh"

What The Hell Are These?

My friend Erica sent me an e-mail yesterday with this site in it. Holy shit was the only thing I could think of when I saw it. Some company in Canada has bio-engineered a living mammal type creature. It kinda looks like Golem from LOTR. Too crazy to explain. You have to check this out. Just click on the picture. Leave a comment, let me know if you're as weirded out by these little guys as I am.....


Have a great weekend everybody.

Wiffleball

So we are down to two more weeks in the Cowlitz County Wiffleball Association regular season before we have our championship series. There are lots of good games this weekend, as it is interleague play. My team, the 9-3 Pirates, will be taking on the National League leaders, 9-3 Jackmove. This has a chance of being one of the greatest games of the year. It should be fun.
As I was surfing the web the other day I found WiffleballRankings, and I thought it would be interesting to submit our league. Well we were reviewed yesterday and it was determined that we have the number 2 league in the West Region. I think we have a legitimate shot at number one. I checked out the Fresno Wiffleball League's page yesterday and wasn't too impressed.
Next week on Wednesday is my team's last two games of the season. We just so happen to be playing Erik's Bruce Lee Wannabes. The last time we played, Erik couldn't make it and we ended up destroying them. Gus is quite the baller so it should be a great couple of games. Unless we just give him the Barry Bonds treatment and walk him. That would probably be the best.

Good Joke

I know that I've already posted about fifteen times today, but seeing how it is slow at work today I figured one more wouldn't hurt. I just got this joke from Tara, who is the piss in my pants, here goes.

Two Trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch."
"It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

White Trash Tattoo (Uncensored)

Just got some fresh ink. I think the ladies are gonna love this one...

Did you miss last week?

For those of you chiming in that may have been busy last week, it would be worth your time to go back and check out the Sin City stories and Mis-adventures of Willie. Classics in the making.
http://gus008.blogspot.com/2006_06_04_gus008_archive.html

and because posts gotta have something new and exciting...
Comeback of the Week:
You are lame smoot.
comeback:
You are lame turd burgler!

Comics Rock

I came on to post the Get Fuzzy comic and remark about Censorship, but Nate beat me to both of those. On the plus side, while going to get the link to the Get Fuzzy comic, I found a couple other great ones that needed to be seen.

(damn, can't get the foxtrot comic from today to upload.) today's foxtrot, but here's the caption I wanted. "It's okay, my parents are cool with it."

Also, I was very disturbed by a few of the 4 headlines that popped on on my Adelphia homepage.
Hicks Tops People's 'Hot Bachelor' List
NEW YORK (AP) — "American Idol" Taylor Hicks is ranked as the No. 1 "hottest bachelor" by People magazine — and he's looking for love. The 29-year-old silver-haired crooner tops People's... Full Story
• Teen Uses Video Games to Become Racer
• Bush: E-Mail on Alberto 'Inappropriate'
• Study: Meth Use Rare in Most of the U.S.

• The old looking dude on American Idol is not hot. Sorry about that. He ranks right up there with Mulgrew, in the fact that he is popular and deserves a good woman, but not hot.
• I think Video Games are good, and here is another article backing me up.
• Bush does something inappropriate everyday. Granted, I didn't even click on this one, but lets assume something funny like an email of Alberto with a huge cock pasted on or something. Very funny, but probably considered inapproprate by those right wingers. or is it left wingers. Probably all wingers. Fuckin narrow minded wingers.
• If meth is so rare in the U.S., what Country is Longview in? I thought we were in the U.S., but I guess we are annexed like Wyoming.

Test Post

Drake

I can't even describe how much I like this comic strip. Get Fuzzy Rules!
I used to live with my buddy Tosh a couple of years ago. Tosh had this siamese cat Drake, that I believe Bucky in Get Fuzzy was based upon. He was an arrogant, stubborn, cranky little bitch of a cat.

CENSORSHIP

What is wrong with the world today when you can't even post a picture of your new tattoo?

Now I know how the 2 Live Crew must've felt.

Sissy Job

One of the good things about working in a bank (i.e. sissy job) is that since there are a lot of women, we always have really good ideas when it comes to what to get for someone's birthday. You can get cake, you can get ice cream, but lately we get this.

Best Fresh Strawberry Pie in town from Judy's on Washington Way. Absolutely outstanding, and it has been the treat at the last two bank meetings as well as the last 2 going away parties and last 5 or so birthdays. I am going to go have some right now. Suckas.

Other best thing about Sissy job? Every time the bank buys beer or wine for parties we host, no one else drinks the left overs. So guess who has two thumbs and usually gets free beer and wine...

Inventory Sucks Balls

So I get to spend this weekend doing inventory. And by weekend I mean working on Friday til probably midnight, then getting back here on Saturday at about 7 in the morning and working all day and most of the night.
What really sucks about the whole deal is we have it again next weekend. And that weekend just so happens to be Garrett "Teabag" Booth's bachelor party. So I get to miss out on some camping, some drinking, whitewater rafting, more drinking, BBQ'ing, drinking, partying in Portland, followed by drinking, and then some nudie bars accompanied by drinking. So while all of my buddies are getting wasted and having the time of Teabag's life, I will be counting copper pipe and shitters. Awesome.
I'm hoping that since this is our third year of doing inventory for our new company, that the people I work with might be able to bust their asses and hopefully we could get out of here on Saturday night at a reasonable time. Then at least I could run down to Portland and get in on some drinking, partying in Portland, followed by drinking, and then some nudie bars accompanied by drinking.
As for the double-secret mission I had last weekend, it was a little surprise party for "Teabag" and his future bride. And it was successful, as he had no idea. He was just hanging out at his grandparents and then all of his buddies start showing up. Nothing beats hanging out with some good friends, eating great food and drinking some ice-cold beer on a nice sunshiny day.

Got Fuzzy?

If you don't read Get Fuzzy, you really should.

Talking about beer

I found a very interesting post on The Daily Dump.
Read this post about budweiser.
Essentially the comments are the interesting part, and are reffering to the blog post about budweiser and budweiser select and how they are not good. You hear people say how crappy one beer is or the next, but here is a list full of people that actually think beer can be bad. Amazing. I thought I would share my comment with you, and then let you go to the dump and check out theres and see what you think.

(my comment)
I had an interesting conversation with someone the other day. His thought was that Budwieser Select is actually Bud Dry, and that they just had to wait until everyone forgot about it and then come up with a better advertising campaign. I agreed, because who would want a thirst quenching beer that sounds like it will dry your mouth out.
I myself like Bud, or just about any beer. But I wonder if all the beer snobs who posted so far realize the difference between liking something, and actually thinking it is good. I like Budwieser, but it is not good beer. As I like Pizza Hut, but it is not good pizza. Guinness is good beer. Pyramid Hefeweizen is good beer. Budwieser is less expensive. Big difference.
Conclusion: Bud Select is good.......enough.

Also, an interesting question was brought up by Stacy. If someone calls you drunk late at night (or early in the day depending on if its Willie or not), does courtesy require a call back? She says she didn't think a drunk message required a call back.

Why does everyone think that? I asked Tom how come he never called me back last month, and his answer was "Dude, you called me at like 2:30 in the morning. I didn't know I was supposed to call you back." That my friend, is no excuse. What do you think?

Oregon Brewers Festival

For those of you that are able, and actually read this thing, you should make it your mission this July to attend the 19th Annual Oregon Brewers Festival. If you have not made this a part of your yearly routine, you are missing out.

You get to buy a "souviner" (i.e. required) Brewfest plastic mug, and as many tokens as your pockets will hold, and then you trade these tokens for a taste or full mug of beer. It seems to change every few years or so, but last year it was 1 token for a taste, and 4 for a mugfull.

Now while most of the time you can get more beer getting it 1 taste at a time, the lines can be friggin long and there are a few pourers that will only fill exactly to the taster line just to be dicks, so your best bet is just to fill er up, and share with your buddies if you are trying to taste as many as possible. They have food (some of it out-fucking-standing like Gustavs German Sausage), music, tons of port-potties which actually aren't that disgusting, and you are guaranteed to see someone you know if you attended high school between Castle Rock and Salem or a college in Washington or Oregon.

And most importantly they have all the best brewers in the area. You haven't lived until you have had double digit alcohol content stout in 80 degree weather with 5,000 of your closest friends down on the waterfront. I am getting a little excited just thinking about it...

Hungover

What a shitty way to start a weekend. I got roped into coming into work and doing some pre-inventory prepping. Our inventory starts next weekend and it usually takes up two full weekends. We decided to start at 8 o'clock this morning.
I quit drinking last night somewhere around 2.
I started drinking right after work at about 5.30 last night.
And I don't remember eating anything, except for the buffalo chicken wing and jalapeno popper I stole from Go-Go and Reg.
The result of all of this is me waking up at 7.30, not quite knowing fully where I am at (I was at home in my bed), with the lights and tv still on, and my contacts still in my eyes from the night before. Not exactly an ideal way to start the day.
Here in aboot another hour or so I am gonna roll over to Erik & Mrs. G's and check out their garage sale action. I scored a couple of sweet beer glasses and a book from them last night when I stopped by. Those Guttormsens are alright in my book.
After the garage sale, I have a special, double-secret probation mission that I must complete. I will fill you all in on the details Monday morning hopefully (like you care). And then I am going to sleep. I may try to make it to Jackmove's show, but being hungover and hanging out in a bar full of people listening to music turned all the way up to eleven doesn't sound like much fun right now.
I think I'm going to go throw up now. Later.

I'm sorry, but it's an addiction

For those of you who have stayed up all night trying to beat Final Fantasy, or those of you who only answer to your warcraft screen name, or those of you who have ever said "just one more level, then I'm going to sleep," there is hope.
Detox Clinic Set for Video Game Addicts

Also, I couldn't get blogger to work at all yesterday, so you get the short above post to make room for this gem.

Joke of the Day

Brought to you by my dad, who is the inventor of the line “I had a girlfriend like that…”

A guy sits down to dinner after a hard day at work, and sees candles, flowers, roast turkey (his favorite), and a nice bottle of wine. He immediately looks at his wife and says, “Honey, I can’t believe it, but I totally forgot our 25th anniversary. I have no excuse. I’m so sorry.”
She turns to him and says, “I understand. I won’t even get mad if you make it up to me.”
“Anything, whatever you want,” he says.
“When I wake up in the morning, I want something in the driveway that goes from 0-200 in under 3 seconds.”He thinks it over for a second, and then tells her no problem. They sit down to their meal and have a nice relaxing night together.
The wife wakes up in the morning, and seeing her husband is already out of bed, rushes down to the front door. Whipping open the front door, she looks out to see nothing in the driveway. Surprised, she walks outside, and then notices a small package sitting in the middle of the driveway. She bends down and tears off the paper and inside is a scale.

Somebody's Got A Case Of The Fridays (now with more links!)

I am so happy it's finally weekend time. Tonight I think I may go play a little Texas Hold 'Em over at my buddy Jim's house. Hopefully I turn my gambling luck around from my trip to Vegas. Then I plan on sleeping in tomorrow. I'll probably roll out of bed around the crack of noon.
I also have some top secret stuff going on this weekend. I will reveal what it is on Monday, but for now mum's the word. A certain somebody may read this blog and then whatever chance of secrecy there was would be gone. Hopefully it will go off without a hitch.
I'll probably download some more tunes over the weekend also. I've been adding music to my iTunes collection at an alarming rate. The newest song to crack my top 25 list is a band called Panic! at the Disco and the song is called "I Write Sins Not Tragedies". Very catchy song. I've also been enjoying Gnarls Barkley's St. Elsewhere album and another group Block Party that a good friend introduced me to.
Saturday night my plan is to rock out with my cock out. Jackmove (the band, not the wiffle ball team) is gonna be playing a show with Zeke at a local bar, Porky's. If you're in the area and like some good, fast, loud hard rock you should go check it out. And you could by me a beer. That would be super.
On Sunday we have a full slate of wiffle-ball games in the CCWA. My team is taking on our closet competition in our league, the Lexington Brewers. And it will be our first game without TJ being here. It should be a great game. In our last contest with the Brew Crew, we swept both games. Timmy Kramer did hit a monstrous homerun off of me to start the game but my team came back in the fourth inning with back-to-back-to-back jacks by myself, then Tony, and finally TJ. That pretty much won the game for us. After our game, Gus and his team play the infamous Fuck Sticks. It should hopefully be a good weekend for wiffle ball.
Hope you all have a great weekend.

The Mis-Adventures of Willie (vol 2)

I also have many stories of the infamous Erik B. Williamson. This is one I would like to share.
About a year ago Willie and my buddy Bailey and I headed down to the coast for Memorial Day weekend. The plan was to get extremely drunk and just have fun hangin out and hopefully meet some girls. We headed out of town on Friday afternoon on our way to Long Beach, Washington. It's about an hour and a half drive and I think Willie probably consumed somewhere near a half-rack on the way there. This is somewhat usual for Willie.
We rolled into town and secured a hotel for the evening. After that we walked out to a local hangout, the Long Beach Tavern or LBT as it's affectionately known. We hung out at the LBT for a couple of hours drinking pitcher after pitcher of Bud Light. By this time Willie's words were starting to slur a little bit. If you have ever drank with Willie you know that when his words start slurring, something fun is gonna happen.
We wandered down to the go-karts after the LBT. Probably not the best idea. The attendant at the go-kart track could tell Willie was drunk and warned us numerous times that if we "screwed around" on the track he would "kick us out for good". Wow. Not even a probation period, just done for good. Well I think we made it around the track three times before Willie started bumper-carring everybody else out there. I think Bailey got the worst of it, but Willie was also tradin paint with people we didn't know. Shortly thereafter, we were told to leave. I tried arguing that I wasn't being out of control like my buddy, but the attendant told me "You guys came in together, you're leaving together."
We decided our next stop should be another bar. Since there's only like four bars in Long Beach, the selection was pretty much limited, so we hit the closest bar to us, Nick's West where they don't care if you write long ass run-on sentences.
**********
BREAKING NEWS
I just got off the phone with Gus and he said that Willie called him, and although his dick is still purple, it doesn't hurt anymore.
**********
So we wandered into Nick's and found a nice place by the bar. The waitress stopped by, took our order for us and was back with our pitchers of beer in about three minutes. We start drinking and Willie almost immediately starts pounding his beers like they were shots. Outfuckingstanding! About fifteen minutes into our visit to Nick's, Bailey starts talking to a couple of ladies at the table next to us. And for once, he's actually talking to good looking girls. So I join in on the conversation and after about three minutes, one of the girls points to Willie and asks if he's alright. He was hunched over his beer, speaking gibberish to it.
I went back over to our table and started talking to Willie and he decided that he wants to wrestle. This happens on a fairly regular basis with him, and it means the end is usually pretty near. So as I'm trying to block his karate chops, I finish my beer so I can take his drunken ass back to the hotel.
We get to the hotel and he flops onto one of the beds and is out in like 2.5 giga-seconds. Giga-what? Giga-who? I make sure he's alright and head back to the bar.
Bailey is still chatting these girls up so I join back into the conversation. It is clear pretty early on that these girls are bitches. Bailey still chatting them up, hoping to pull something, but I start drinking again. After about another hour the girls decide they are leaving. We finish our beers and decide to hit one more bar before going back to the hotel. At this bar I proceeded to burn the fuck out of my lip. I will cover this in another post, because it is a fucking hilarious story.
Anyways, Bailey and I head back to the hotel and crash for the evening.
The next morning Willie is up at about 9.30. So Bailey and I get up and they decide to start drinking. We decide that we've had our share of Long Beach and agree to head over to Seaside, Oregon. It's about a 45 minute drive and during that time, Willie and Bailey decide to share a sixer of talls. It is going to be a good day.
We roll into Seaside at about eleven and decide to get a cocktail and some breakfast (or rut-fut if you're Willie's mom). We hit the closest bar and all order Bloody Mary's. Not any ordinary Bloody Mary's, but probably the tastiest Bloody Mary's evah. Willie decides to share this fact with all the people walking by the door on the sidewalk. "HEY Mister! You like Bloody Mary's? Cause these are the BEST in the World! Woooooooo! Bloody Mary's! Wooooooo!" or something along those lines.
We all finish our drinks and order another round. At that point the bartender informs Willie that he is cut off. Sweet Ass Candy. It's not even noon yet, and Willie's cut off. So he orders a coffee and Bailey and I have another Bloody Mary (they were the shit).
The rest of the day gets kind of hazy but I remember Willie going back to our hotel on two or three occasions and taking naps after getting cut off at different bars through-out the day. I think by the time it was all said and done he got cut off four different times. It was such an amazing display of drinking ability, that I don't think the likes of it will ever be seen again.

Mass Hysteria

Movie Line?
Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria.

Adventures of Willie vol 1.5:
Well, Willie hasn’t called since that great conversation yesterday, so you get an update on the life of me. We have decided to hold a yard sale to unload about 30% of the crap we own and NEVER USE. I spent about 16 hours straight yesterday working for the Man and then working at home til 12:30 in the morning. While the hours were long and hard (he he), I did get inspired and start a few home improvement projects while sorting garage sale stuff. So while rearranging the front bedroom and living room, because I can’t focus when doing tasks, I am also now removing all the space heaters since we got central air 4 years ago, and removing the wood paneling and looking to install cable in the front bedroom to bring it out of the 60s to match the rest of the house. More on this later. Let's see if I can keep up the intensity or if I end up drunk in the hot-tub instead...

Bitch of the Week:
I fertilized my lawn with some stuff that was supposed to also kill weeds last week. So of course my lawn was HUGE, the weeds were bigger and healthier, and the dead spots grew some new weeds but no grass. My back yard even grew some new weeds with flowers that didn’t even exist in my yard before the fertilizer. I had to empty the bag about 20 times, but I got a good workout, so I got that going for me.

edit: 2nd Bitch of the Week:
I had to type this twice, the pic of the dogs and cats together wouldn't post, and yesterday the pic of Willie wouldn't post. Luckily the 3rd time it wouldn’t post I typed it in Word first so I didn’t lose it. Now trying for the 5th time it appears to be working, and the pic works. Blogger.com technology is wonderful... which brings up another point.

Interesting thought of the day:
Is it wrong to be pissed off when free stuff doesn’t work out correctly? For instance, free websites like hotmail or blogger, or gifts of faulty Subway cards (fuck you subway), or any gift for that matter when it isn’t what you want or is more trouble than its worth? What if you get a beer making kit, but upon reading the directions find out that it is a lot of work? Is it wrong to be upset?

Sin City Here I Am (part two in an epic two-part mini-series)

TJ woke me up at about 8 on Saturday morning. That wouldn't have been so bad if we didn't stay up until 5 the night before. "Let's get the truck unloaded before it gets hot" was his reasoning. At 8 in the morning it was already in the mid eighties. In L-town it hits mid eighties in the middle of Summer so to have it that hot at 8 in the morning was a little hard to take.
As we were moving shit up to their second floor condo, the condo's security guard rolled on over to our truck in his golf cart.
"You guys better get some Gatorade. It's gonna be hot today." My first thought was "No shit dumbass. It's fucking eighty degrees at 8 in the morning." "If you're not from around here the heat may surprise you" the security guard added. TJ asked him if water would be okay or if we better run down to the store and grab some Gatorade. The guard replied that "Yeah, water would probably work too."
After he rolled off we finished unpacking the truck. Since it was already a beautiful day, and we were all warm from moving shit on a hot day, we decided to hit the pool. We hung out at the pool for about an hour before heading back up to the condo, having a little chat with the coach, and taking a little six hour nap.
After waking up from our naps, Jill and TJ said we should head over to the new Red Rocks Casino and check out their buffet. The coach agreed with this thought and we were on our way.
Next time your in Vegas stop by and check out the Red Rocks. It's new but it's not right on the strip. It's a very nice place, and I didn't get lost once. Last time we were in Sin City we stayed at the MGM Grand and over the course of three days I got lost about five times. The numerous Heinekens may have played a part in that too though.
After spending a solid couple of hours chowing down, we decided to do some gambling. I decided to hit up the "Wheel of Fortune" slot machines and proceeded to almost immediately go up fifty bucks. I then gave it all back to the casino while waiting for my Heineken that never showed. Stupid waitress bitch. I mean don't tell somebody you're going to bring them a refreshing Heine and then not show. That's just rude.
After gambling a little we decided to go check out Fremont and the light show. Somewhere along the way we had managed to lose a couple of hours and by the time we got to Fremont, the light show was done for the evening. We hit a couple of casinos on Fremont for beverages and decided to head down to the strip.
I forget the name of the place, but on the strip there is a casino that has a mechanical bull in the bar. This sounded terrific. Let's get hammered and then go get hurt. After making our way through the casino and to the entrance of the bar, we decided that we didn't want to pay the cover if we weren't going to be able to ride the bull. And on Saturday night's they have bikini girl bull-riding. If I had another week or so to hang out in Vegas I would have checked it out. Since I was leaving the next morning we head back out onto the strip.
After unsuccessfully trying to get a parking spot at the Double-Down Saloon we decided to make our way to the Hard Rock Casino for Carmen Electra's Celebrity Poker tournament. Well the tournament must've been over already, cause none of us spotted any celebrities. A little more gambling and a couple of Heinekens later we decided to head back to Jill & TJ's place.
On our way out of the Casino we spotted none other than Skid Row's own Sebastian Bach passed the fuck out on a slot machine. This was easily the highlight of my weekend. Right in front of us was the mastermind behind such hits as 18 and life and some other shit I can't remember right now. Awesome.
On the way back we hit the drive-thru of the infamous Fatburger. Nothing to write home about. Anyhoo, we head back to the condo and proceeded to p.t.f.o. I believe it was about five in the morning.
The next morning Jill woke me up at about ten to go to breakfast. I was in for a treat. The Hash House A Go-Go is tha shiznit. I have never seen a plate of food as outrageous as the meals at the Go-Go.
The size of Jill and TJ's pancakes were unreal so I took a pic just to document it. My waffle was also giant in that it was about a square foot and about an inch and a half thick. The pancakes were about fourteen inches across and about a half an inch thick.
We gorged ourselves on breakfast and then made a quick pit stop by the condo. I grabbed my bag, had a quick motivational pep talk with the coach, and was off to the airport.
After one of the most turbulent rides of my flying career I landed safe and sound in PDX. My only regret was that I couldn't stay in Vegas longer.

The Mis-Adventures of Willie (vol 1)

After about the 50th phone call from Willie since he left for San Fransisco, and the fact that he makes me laugh every time, especially at work when I need it, I have decided to chronicle some of the best one quotes, stories, and embarassing happenings that are his life.

6-6-06 (oohh, spooky)
Willie calls at 1:00 (for the 5th time today since I didn't answer 3 of those times)
(note, from now on in these stories, W is Willie, E is me, N is Nate)

E-What's up stalker?
W-He he, you busy? You at lunch yet?
E-Of course I'm busy. Too busy to go to lunch these days. What's up?
W-I hurt myself bad yesterday.
E-Oh yeah?
W-You know how people in China town only come up to your chest, or maybe chin if they are really tall? Well I was walking and talking on the phone, and all of a sudden I was stopped suddenly. I looked down and there was a waist high "no parking on this side of the street" sign. And then the pain hit me. It couldn't hit me in the leg, or the thigh, no...I't hit me right in the dick. Right about then I realized how much pain I was in and dropped to the ground. A little chinese guy walking behind me stopped to laugh, and between gasps, he asked if I was okay. I tried to get up and kind of walk it off...and then the real pain hit me and I dropped to the ground again.
E- (listening and laughing the whole time) That sucks man. Right in the junk is the worst.
W-I finally did get back up, go down one more time, then got up and hobbled off. The guy hadn't stopped laughing yet, but he was nice enough to make sure I was okay enough to walk away. And later when I took a pee, the end of my dick was all purple.
E-(I proceed to lose it) HA HA HA, I am totally putting this on the Blog.
W-Yeah, if I had a Vag, it would have hit me right in the camel toe.

E- So what are you doing now?
W-Going to see the new X-Men movie. And I am the geek who went by himself, and since there was a line for the 1:00 show, I got a ticket to the 1:30 show so I can get a good seat, and now I am by myself.
E-Are you that guy who talks on his cell phone during the pre-previews?
W-I wanted a good seat.
E-That's awesome. You should come home instead of hang in San Fran pretending to work. Then we could see it together.
W-That's okay. I'm gonna sit here and masturbate with my hurt dick.
E-(I lose it again) You have fun with that. I gotta go back to work.

Stay tuned for the futher adventures of Willie the wonder-friend.
(note: some of Willie's comments have been altered to make them funnier, and/or speed up the conversation, as he tends to talk about 3/4 speed unless he is drunk.)

Sin City Here I Come (part one in an epic two-part mini-series)

So a couple of months ago my step-sister Jill, got a new job with an Interior Design firm down in Las Vegas. Beforehand she was working in the L-town, for a local Interior Decorator. This past weekend her boyfriend, TJ, moved down there. I had the pleasure of going with him. We were scheduled to take off from Longview on Thursday morning. I arrived at TJ's place at about 9 on Thursday to see that he wasn't done packing yet. After a couple more hours of packing he decided that he was going to tow his 1966 Volkswagen bus behind the rental truck. This added about two hours to our leaving time and in the end somewhere between six and eight hours of drive time. So we stop back by the local Budget truck depot and pick up a trailer. TJ also added me as a driver of the truck while we were there. Awesome. After Suzy the garden gnome finished filling out our paperwork and us hooking the trailer up to the truck, we were off back to TJ's for the bus. We got that loaded up and we were off. Well after a quick stop to talk to the coach. We drove down I-5 for about seven and a half hours finally stopping for the night in beautiful Ashland, Oregon. We checked into a hotel and watched a little Sportscenter before dozing off. Beforehand we agreed that we would be up early to hit the road as we figured there was probably about 12-14 hours left of driving. Jill woke us up with a phone call. Needless to say, we did not get an early start. We headed back out on I-5 about 9:30 that morning. We drove for a couple of hours before stopping for breakfast in Northern California. I figured that since we were heading to Vegas, we should be big-ballin and all so I enjoyed some Crystal with my Break-
fast. I can see why all the rappers love this stuff. It was good. Fo Shizzle.
After Breakfast we headed back out onto I-5 for the most boring stretch of the trip. I mean there are just so many fields, orchards, and fields that you can look at. Northern California is damn boring for driving.
We were supposed to hit a junction that would've have ran us right through Bakersfield on our way to Vegas. We missed it. So we ended up in Buttonwillow, California. Worst. Place. Ever.
We were hungry so we decided on some tasty Carl's Jr. for dinner. We ordered our meals and were told that our food we be ready soon.
"Ninety-two" the manager calls out about ten minutes later. Since we were given no order number, we should have known that a Guacamole Bacon Burger meal and a Spicy Chicken Sandwich meal is a 92 in fabulous Buttonwillow. The manager called out 92 about four more times before she finally got pissed and screamed out "#8 and a Spicy chicken meal". TJ grabs our food while we can hear the trollish manager saying "I called out 92 like five times!" Well that doesn't really work if you don't tell us the number. I was amused by how pissed off she was.
The next stop was the local Chevron for some petrol and a couple of Full Throttles. Once inside the Food Mart I noticed that they had no Full Throttles. What the fuck? I headed back out to the truck and noticed another minit mart right across the street. As TJ was still filling up the truck with gas I ran across the street (closer to jogged) and made my way into the minit mart. I'm pretty sure the owner of that there minit mart was/is on something. I grabbed three Full Throttles and placed them on the counter. I was expecting somewhere between five and seven dollars. Here in town they are roughly a buck 79 each. So you can imagine my surprise when the clerk told me eleven bucks. I politely laughed in her face, and left empty-handed.
We headed back out onto the road and drove through Bakersfield and out to the Mojave desert. Two words. Bo Ring. We decided to stop at a rest stop and had a little pep talk with the coach.
We headed back out onto I-15 and immediately pissed off every single trucker around. You see towing a Volkswagen bus on a full sized trailer behind a completely full truck will get you to right around 55 mph. I guess the truckers like driving faster than that (who knew?)
We drove for a couple more hours, arriving in Sin City at 2 in the morning on Friday night. We were so tired that there was no drunken debauchery that night, only a little sleep.
Stay tuned for my Saturday and Sunday morning in Vegas.....

Mondays

MONDAYS FUCKING SUCK!

hmm, I thought that might make me feel better, but I still want to go on a killing spree, so I guess that didn't help. Maybe if I mix all the partial bottles of liquor I have together and then me and Nate take turns swilling it out of an old mason jar until we pass out I might feel better. Or at least forget about work for a while. Just the thought of that makes me feel a little better, so I guess this wasn't a complete waste of 30 seconds...

Golfing, rain or shine

Well...it's Friday. And I approach another weekend where I have plans to play golf. Which is a good feeling, except for the 2nd time this spring, I have plans to play when it is supposed to rain. Last time it was at Trophy Lake in Port Orchard a few weeks back at James' 1st Annual Cabin Trip and Golf (weather permitting). The weather turned out to be sunburn-beautiful instead of raining as expected, and I spent a good 36 hours or so drinking, golfing, playing cards, and catching up with some college buddies that I usually only get to talk to via email or cell phone. It was great, and the weather was exactly like the website pictures.This time it is at Heron Lakes in Portland, and it is for the wife's family reunion and the 6th annual (I think) Fergie Fest Family Golf Tournament. Am I lucky enough to have the weather hold off and look like the picture below? Or will the forescast of rain only in the PM be off and I will get drenched? Let's hope for some sunbreaks so I can enjoy another year's win.

edit: Speaking of rain and sports, I have decided long ago living in the Pacific NW that rain won't stop me from playing sports. It has to be a frickin storm, and windy and raining to the point of not enjoying myself anymore to keep me from playing. A buddy (Bo) wouldn't come play wiffleball the other day because it was barely raining. Does that make him a pussy, or me crazy? (And does it change your answer to know that the rain stopped in the 1st inning?)

Pizza or beer

I had an epiphany today.

If you had to give up either pizza or beer, which would you choose?

My epiphany was that I would give up beer. I didn't realize how much I really loved pizza until the exact moment I decided that. Crazy.

But since I don't have to choose, I think I will go get another slice of free pizza from the lunch room, and later I will have a couple of free beers before I go home after another 9-10 hour day. Hey, no matter how busy you are, there is always a bright side. Usually.

Flushing a shut-out down the drain

I know it's only wiffleball, but it still hurts to have a shut-out going into the 6th and final inning, and having the wind pick up just a little bit, and getting shelled for 7 runs. You would think our manager would pull me, and put Tyler* in, but as I am the manager and was the one that couldn't get Phil to swing at a strike if the game depended on it (which it did), and I am stupid, I stood there like a stubborn bitch until my arm hurt (yes, from wiffleball, screw you) and pitched until I got the 3rd out.

And to make matters worse, I got robbed of a home run in the game for the second time this season. Uhh...crap, I had something else to say, but am now fuming about dropping that game and not hitting a home run in the last at bat to tie the game, that I can't even think straight.

*yes there were only 2 of us playing, which is part of the reason we couldn't stop some of the multitude of hits

the Letter "D"

If you haven't been checking out D's blog you should. Especially today. It is outfuckinstanding.

Rainy Days of Wiffleball

So we played wiffleball on Sunday. Probably not the best idea with the scattered showers and all. Before our game we started of with a little home run derby tournament that was won by the one-and-only Erik Guttormsen. Congrats Gus.
The rain really didn't affect the home run derby that much, except for batted balls that should've been a homerun but just died right next to the fence. I had at least three of them myself.
The rain did affect the regular game. It's very hard to pitch from a muddy mound and to bat in a mud-filled batter's box. I tried pitching a couple of innings and I got shelled, walking a few and giving up a couple of runs. And the other team was killing me with their pitching. I couldn't hit my way out of a wet paper bag. Final score: 17-11.
It wasn't that bad, I mean we only lost by a touchdown.

roped in

DAMMIT!

Why don't I take my own advice? After those horrible shopping experiences, and promising myself I won't shop til next month, I drive by Hollywood Video and see 5 DVDs for $20. I think "finally, the best sale yet." I am in the wrong lane, so I go through the intersection, take the next available left...and can't fucking turn left again because there is too much traffic. So I turn right, go another block, turn left and through a parking lot, and back on to that street headed back to Hollywood.

And what do I get for my extra trouble of 4 minutes worth of driving to go essentially 50 yards? The DVDs are 3 for $30, except for one fucking rack of DVDs from late 2005. "So I can pick 5 of the 9 choices?" Fuck you.

If I hadn't been wearing my work shirt and easily identifiable as someone working only 2 blocks away, they would have got a nice big "POOKIE, LET'S BURN THIS MOTHER FUCKER DOWN!" Bastards. Next time I go shopping I am purposely peeing on the floor next to the toilet.

weekend time

That is awesome. I want some non-monetary compensation. I was thinking golf, but punching people would be fun too. Or wackin em with my wiffleball bat.

And if anyone could please turn off the rain for the weekend, that would be nice. Our wiffleball game got rained out (yes we are wussies) and hope to play this weekend and have the kegger, I mean all star game, and need to not be raining.

And tons of movies coming out. I want to see X3 , and Abby wants to see DaVinci Code, which I have not read yet. Is it as good as everyone says?

3 flushes

You know you are having a good day, when 2 flushes just isn't enough.

And it's definitely better than days where you blow mud so loud and so fast that you scare the cat.

Wiffleball

As you have heard on here before Gus and I are participating in the first season of the Cowlitz County Wiffleball Association. We are just about to the halfway point of the season, save for two games that will be played tomorrow and Friday night. This weekend we are having our All-Star game / Homerun Derby / Kegger. If you are in the Longview/Kelso area this weekend and want to drink some beer and have a good time watching some wiffleball, Jones field in Kelso is the place to be. There are directions on the CCWA homepage so you know where to go and the festivities will be getting under way at about 1 in the afternoon. A keg cup will run you five bones and there are rumors of maybe having a little BBQ action. And Mike Jones will be there. No, not the rapper Mike Jones from Houston, but the one and only Mike Jones with his nuts pierced. That alone is worth the price of admission*.
So you should all come out and have some fun and drink some beer. Erik and I will both be participating in the derby and the game. We are both playing on the same team, so the opposition is pretty much doomed from the get-go.

*admission is free, and seeing Mike Jones is definitely worth that

Two great stories in one great post

Great Story #1
Hey guess who didn't know that WinCo doesn't take credit cards?
That's right, I rushed into WinCo to pick up some pop for a work BBQ, because even though I have never been there, and don't like the fact that it drove 2 good Market Places out of business in our town, it was the closest and off I went.
I'll be back in 10 minutes right?
Wrong.
First I have to go through their Disneyland line style store to get to the pop. Then I load up a cart. Then I get pissed even more by finding later that two 12 packs are cheaper than one 24 pack. The 12 packs are on a display after you go by all the other items, so either switch em, or bitch about it. I choose the latter because I am in a hurry, so I jump in one of the few open lines without switching them out to save a few bucks, behind the least scummy person who isn't rolling at least two full carts up to the line. (Hey porker, saving $.25 on all your items does not save you money if you buy $50 worth of shit you don't need!)
After the inept checker helps the inept customer in front of me, it is now my turn to be embarrassed and inept, because I only have my credit card, and they don't take them. Oh they take debit, or cash, or checks, or I can use the ATM to withdraw cash, but they don't take my most convenient form of payment, credit card. And the only sign for it is the one next to the debit card machine, which I ignored because it looks like every sign in the world that says we take credit, debit, and cash, but no checks, except they switched the words around to keep it a secret.
So, 10 minute drive and 10 minutes at the store at Fred Meyer, and it only took me 40 minutes to make a 10 minute trip. I now hate WinCo. I also would like to meet the braniac financial minds that think they lose more on Credit Card Fees than they lose on bogus checks, fraud, and the cost of processing all those checks. Plus all the business they lose from people like me, who hate them.

Great Story #2
Subway sells gift cards that they call Subway Cash Cards. You would think that these would be useful for purchasing sandwiches. They even say on the back:

• More Convenient Than Cash
• Use your SUBWAY Card to pay for SUBWAY purchases with a single swipe.
• visit www.mysubwaycard.com, or any participating SUBWAY restaurant to reload your Card or check your balance.

Wellllll, me, myself, and I would like to say "YOU SUCK." Abby and I got this card as a gift from our volleyball team. So we should be talking free sandwiches baby. But the cost in embarrassment and frustration is now way over the $5 or $10 value of this thing. I have been turned down at no less than 5 Subways in Washington and Oregon, and have been carrying this card around for about 3 months now. I stopped trying after the first month, so the total would be a lot higher if A.) I felt like trying more B.) I didn't have a friend with a Quizno's (who I might add accepts their gift certificates at all restaurants) and C.) didn't decide to wait until I could go back to the exact Subway where the card was purchased so that I know it will work.

Oh contraire, monfraire. I got a new hassle. Apparently the card has not been activated. Luckily unlike WinCo, I had enough cash to complete the transaction, and even if I didn't they would have taken a credit card. Otherwise you might be reading about a 28 year old banker from Washington who is sitting in jail with an empty stomach awaiting arraignment. Fuckers.

Luckily I already cleaned out Fred Meyer of their stock of wiffle balls and I have a full case of beer and BBQ stuff for the long weekend, because I don't feel like shopping again til next month.

My Top 25

As I have written on here before, I *heart* my iPod. Never did I think a little piece of electronics would change my life in such a way. Currently I am right around 5600 songs on the bad boy. I am always looking for some new tunes so if anybody reading this out there (all 3 of you) has an suggestions, suggest away! Here are my top 25 as of right now;
Bad Religion, 21st Century (Digital Boy)
"Franks & Beans" audio clip from Something About Mary (hilarious)
Trick Daddy, Let's Roll
cKy, Sink into the underground
the Kinks, Lola
Rolling Stones, Beast of Burden
Tom Petty, Refugee
Jay-Z, 99 Problems
Rolling Stones, Gimme Shelter (quite possibly the greatest song evah)
Rolling Stones, Start Me Up
Velvet Revolver, Slither
Jimi Hendrix All along the Watchtower
Modest Mouse, Ocean breathes salty
Offspring, All I want
Bush, Machinehead (greatest driving song evah)
Modest Mouse, Float on
Rancid, Radio
Rolling Stones, Brown Sugar
Method Man & Redman, da Rockwilder
Rolling Stones, Shattered
Snoop Dogg, Snoop's upside your head
Green Day, When I come around
Beastie Boys, Fight for your right
Rolling Stones, Start me up
The Roots, The seed (2.0)

Damn I knew I liked the Rolling Stones but six out of twenty-five is a little ridiculous. What's on your list?......

My Trip To Cleveland (How I Missed My Flight)

So I have stated in the past that I work for a pretty decent sized plumbing and industrial wholesaler. I mainly do residential plumbing sales with a little bit of commercial plumbing and some industrial mixed in just to make it exciting.
Well a couple of months ago I was selected from the salesmen at my branch to go back to Elyria, Ohio to a major tool manufacturer's headquarters and do some training. The training dealt with how their tools operated and what the major selling points of each tool was. The training was set for Monday through Thursday of this week.
Monday was supposed to be a simple travel day. Not for Nate. I woke up at 5 am that morning and hit the shower, knowing it would wake me up. J9 accompanied me to the airport in Portland which is about 45 minutes away. I made it to the airport in time to meet up with a couple of guys from our Portland branch that were also attending the training. We all boarded the plane headed for beautifully overcast Phoenix, Arizona. We were supposed to have a one hour layover in Phoenix and then board the flight for Cleveland. This is where things turned from good to not so good.
We landed in Phoenix and I proceeded to hit the pisser. Afterwards I tried to meet up with the other guys at the Fox Sports Bar. Worst. Bar. Ever.
A little backstory; About a year ago a law was passed in Washington state making it illegal to smoke in public places that are indoor. Bars, Restaurants, and whathaveyou all stopped being smokey and stinky. Verdict: Awesome!
Anyhoo, the people of Phoenix aren't really concerned with the quality of their air. This bar was packed with the oldest bar crowd I have ever seen smoking cigarettes like they were outlawing them at the end of the hour. The guys I was with, being smokers themselves, thought nothing wrong with this and headed into the bar.
Me myself and I hit up the smoke free Gordon Beirsch right down for the Fox Smoke Bar and enjoyed one of the worst $7 pints in the history of man. After such a tasty beverage, I was capital H hungry. Pizza Hut, here I come.
After devouring a personal sized pepperoni I was thirsty again. Not wanting another crappy $7 brewski I hit up the local Starbucks a.k.a. The Dark Side.
If these motherfuckers knew how to make a caramel Frappacino I would've been in Cleveland at 6 pm, Ohio time. When did I get there? I'm getting there, keep your pants on! (except you Jessica Alba)
So anyways I'm walking out of Starbucks and happen to glance up to see:

CLEVELAND : DEPARTED

FUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!

I ran faster than a crackhead with a Franklin towards gate A18. My flight was gone. I headed back up the walkway and found Customer Service. They didn't have another flight going to Cleveland until 6 am the next morning. Problem? I had training starting at 8 am. With the four hour flight and the three hour time change I just don't think I could make that.
I told them I had to be there at that time and they decided to re-route me through Sin City. Five hours later.... And then I had a three hour layover in Vegas before making my way to Cleveland.
After talking to my step-sister, who just so happens to live in Vegas, I had them change my flight there to another that was two hours earlier. I was to arrive in Vegas about a half hour after Jill got off work.
She came and picked me up, we went and had dinner, hung out at her place and then she took me back to the airport.
I arrived at the gate for my flight to Cleveland about a half hour early and easily made it onto my plane after taking two Tylenol PM's to make me sleep. Well the drunken teenager behind me had other ideas. He kept yelling to his buddies "Rectum.............. Hell it just about Killed 'em" which he followed with the most annoying laughter evah.
I was able to get a couple of hours of sleep, arriving in Cleveland at 6 am. The tool company's rep. picked me up at the airport about a half hour after that and we were off to the hotel. I made it there in time to wash my face, brush my teeth, drop off my bags, and throw on my steel-toed boots and head to training.
What did I learn from this experience? Only go to the Tilted Kilt in the Rio. Not the stand alone.

Longview and Dilbert

First off, I was driving through town, and realized how nice it is to live in such a green part of the world. Its really nice hear, with lots of trees along the lake I live by, so I took a few pics.
Also, if you read Dilbert, and/or the Dilbert blog and newsletter, you can appreciate this from the most recent newsletter:
There’s no such thing as a Dogbert Award, but when I heard this story from a reader, I thought that maybe there should be. “I have a student whose vocabulary is rather impressive. He annoys his classmates by answering questions in such a way that they have no idea what he has just said. Finally one student had had enough and asked why his classmate couldn't say things so other people could understand him. Without missing a beat the student shot back "Because I don't speak retard!" My immediate reaction was that the entire school year had been an elaborate set up for that punchline.

Nate Bullcock's Escape From Jail

Nate escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous even though he looks kinda scrawny. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Voodoo

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right...Voodoo Penis, my ass."




The rest is history...

Wiffle Ball pics

Here are a few pics from last Thursday, just to show you we mean business. They are not as cool as Kick Ball pics (Gina knows about this), but they are proof that we exist. Kinda.

#1 Alex getting ready to hit a double. Commishoner N8 and his scorekeeper Matt in the background, as well as our new signee, Garrett relieving himself to the left...

#2 A close up of the Commish and his scorebeeachhh. True athletes...

#3 That's me, with a vote of no confidence in Phil's pitching, because he walked me again...

#4 The commish taking batting practice. He really ripped that last one...

LEAVE A COMMENT.......

Us here at NOSE have noticed a dramatic increase in readership but nobody seems to want to leave a comment. What the dilly folks? We rely on your comments to let us know how shitty we truly are. So please leave a comment, and if you get a chance check out the wiffleball page. That is all.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

good weekend and summer movies

Well, now that volleyball is over, I didn't have to volunteer any time this weekend (if you don't count Friday afternoon with the Lions club). So what did I do? I drank Corona and Pacifico on Friday. Then I did this again Saturday, as well as watched Mission Impossible 3 with Abby. Then Sunday our wiffle ball games got rained out, so I drank a few beers watching Nate's team try to play a game through the rain and still hit 4 home runs and demolish Hewey's team. Then it was off to finally try Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter on the Xbox360.

This weekend was the first time in almost 2 months that I had time to play video games. And it was good. I think I am going to get an HD TV just so I can see this game and a few others on a bigger clearer screen. The 360 rocks. And as you can see from my Gamer tag down to the left, they also have previews of upcoming movies, including Nacho Libre, with Jack Black, MI3, which made me go see it Saturday, and X3, which comes out this month. I might actually see some movies this summer, as MI3 was a good experience, very loud with lots of shooting and explosions, and X3 looks good, and you gotta see Jack Black movies, and Nacho Libre looks funny as hell. Speaking of Hell, there is a new Omen movie coming out. The kid in that xbox360 preview looks just a little scary staring at you in that red coat and shorts. This picture is him, and you can see the red tie, but if you have the means, see the 360 preview. And it comes out on 6-6-6, which is a cool (i.e. scary) idea.

Now tonight a little practice wiffle ball maybe after Lions, then some makeup games tomorrow. Check out our stats if you want. Cowlitz county wiffleball association