hhhhmmmmmmm, piiiizzzaaaa

I love pizza, and garfield, and thought todays comic was particularlly good.

Happy Valentines Day. May you all get pizza gift certificates as presents.

Also, I got my wife the 2-disc special edition of Sense and Sensebility, a book of art by Georgia Okeefe, and a teaching book instead of flowers this year. Is that a good gift compared to something that will die in 1 week, or are flowers kinda just required?

One Last Rant

Okay so the Super Bowl was over a week ago and everybody out there is probably getting tired of us here at NOSE bitching about the officiating. So after this post, I will give it up. Let the dead dog lie.
The bottom line though is the Seahawks got screwed. If you don't think so you are blind. In any other game the calls wouldn't have mattered. But in this game their were about four calls that significantly affected the outcome. That shouldn't happen. The refs should never decide any game let alone the Super Bowl.
I was checking out the Phat Phree this morning and came across this article which even includes a couple of pictures. You can clearly see Roethlisberger being short on his so called touchdown and Hasselbeck not even being close to Steeler he supposedly illegally blocked. Check it out.
When's baseball start?

xbox360 news

The veteran difficulty on Call of Duty 2 is fucking hard. Very fucking hard. Harder than Halo 2 on Legendary. But, it is the best game I have played in a long time, which is why I continue to beat my head against the wall on a level I can not pass. Wish me luck as I may waste a few more hours tonight or tomorrow trying to clear one last house full of Nazis.
Fuck I hate Nazis.

And coming soon: Info about a raffle I will be putting on to fundraise for the Cowlitz Volleyball Club that my wife and I coach for. Why would I mention that here you ask? Because I just found out I will have an Xbox360 to include in the raffle prizes. That's right, I will be selling the opportunity to win great prizes, including an xbox360, for $1 each. Interested yet? Want to help a non-profit club that allows young volleyball players hone their skills in the off-season with the hopes of one day earning college scholarships, with the added bonus of winning a 360, or Mariner tickets, or Blazer tickets, or other great prizes??? You bet you do.

And one last-minute edit: While searching for a picture of the "geek" shirts I have to give away in the raffle, I found Cafepress.com and their huge selection of geek-themed shirts. Definitely worth a look. My favorite has got to be "I wear black because I am a ninja." The description if you click on the shirt says "Are you a ninja? Wear this shirt and let the whole world fear your ninja-ness. "

the H&R Block Experience

So last week or the week before (damn you short-term memory loss) I took my taxes in to H&R Block to have them done. It all started out well. I called and made my appointment. Showed up on time and moved right to a "tax specialist". His name was Jerry. He was about seventy years old. Despite being old enough to fart dust, he was a tax wizard.
Before I took my taxes in I figured them out on my own. I was just using H&R to get my refund in a week or so. Well Jerry got me another hundred and some odd dollars. That's my motherfucker. Something to do with my 401k or company stocks or something.
Anyhoo, I call yesterday to see if my refund was in. I was ordered (and not in a good way) to call another number. After punching in all my info I found out my refund was in fact in. Cha. Ching.
So after work I cruise over to H&R to pick it up. I show up and the place was pretty dead, yet nobody was working the front counter. I leaned up on the counter and waited about thirty seconds for a lady to come up and help me. She starts out our conversation by ordering me off of the counter. "It squeaks!" she explained.
"I need your ID!" was the next sentence out of her mouth.
After waddling back to the file cabinet and searching the alphabetical file folders for a couple of minutes, she pulls my refund out of the file.
"What's your address on the refund?" she barked at me.
"20 Jump Street*" I reply.
"Well how come your license says '1620 Memory Lane*'?" she half-yelled back before I could even finish my response.
"Umm....I moved." I explained, which I figured was a pretty rational answer.
"You need to get this changed." she ordered (see any similarities?).
I need to stop watching that damn Chappelle show, because I caught myself before I almost accidentally blurted out "Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?"
Then I went to the bank, cashed my check, and enjoyed $1000 worth of hookers and blow. (just kidding, it was $1350)

*actual addresses have been changed to protect n8

Slowly moving away from superbowl talk

I realized what was really important.
As you can see from the previous post, and the one to the left, it will be a while before we drop the superbowl issues that we have, but for now, here is some unrelated humor.
First, taken out of context, anyone can have a "quote of the day"...
"I love the airplane with the small dick"
-Nate

Second, Willie finally got off the ship in Cali, and apparently waded through months of useless fowards that he had been skipping past in his email. He sent this cool site colortest (beat my 88% on the first try if you can) and this is the best funny one he sent to me:

The Point System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do somethingshe dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system
==============================
SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)
In the rain. (+10)
But return with beer. (-15)
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet. (-25)
==============================
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:
You stay by her side for the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a collegebuddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-4)
Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-80)
Really big breast implants. (-200)
==============================
HER BIRTHDAY:
You take her out to dinner. (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar. (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar. (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is paintedthe colours of your favourite team. (-10)
==============================
A NIGHT OUT:
You take her to a movie. (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
And it's called "DeathCop". (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans that was featuredon "Oprah". (-15)
==============================
YOUR PHYSIQUE:
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggyHawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-10,000)
==============================
ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)[Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT you say.]
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Wh! ere?" (-35)
Any other response. (-20)
==============================
COMMUNICATION:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying whatlooks like a concerned expression. (0)
You listen for over 30 minutes. (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-5,000)

A Picture is Worth 1000 Words...

ESPN 2

ESPN 2 is great when you aren't reading Skip (fucking hit me with a 3 iron) Bayless.
Check this out about the Superbowl and recent college basketball conspiracy theories.
The best line has to be:
Worst new slogan: "Brown and Bubbly" -- this, I must admit, does not evoke an image that makes me thirsty.

I also came up with some VERY good ideas, but don't have the time to follow through with them. Basically they involve making fun of the refs.

1. The first idea making my own "Pontiac Game Changing Performances" but you would substitute clips of the refs making or missing calls on Sunday. And then you would vote for the most outragous fuck-up.
2. The second idea would be a funny pictures of the ref making the Pass Interferance call, and the first time he tugs his flag and misses, he accidentally starts to pull out his Terrible Towel, and then tucks it back in and throws the flag.

Fucking classic, but I don't have the time or technology to pull it off, so if anyone wants to borrow the ideas and make them a reality, just give me a little side credit along the way.

These are the kind of ideas you have when you had too many HOT, HOT sausages at your superbowl party and are keeping the toilet company first thing in the morning. (ouch, I thought they were hot on the way in...) Also, the next blog button strikes again with jokesandfunnystories.

A Living Legend Retires

So the Natural has had enough. At Forty-two years old I guess he's earned that right. What an amazing career. Not just the recent battles with Chuck Lidell, or the fact that he's been the World Champion twice in two different weight classes, but just the way he carried himself. He was a class act through and through. While some of the younger guys (i.e. Nick Diaz) talk all kinds of shit about their opponents, Randy never did. He was confident but never cocky. He would wink at his oppenent and shake their hand before the fight, and then give them a respectful embrace after the match was over.
I actually had the good fortunes to meet Randy on my last trip to Las Vegas. I was in town to watch the UFC 54 in which he was going to fight Mike Van Arsdale. The night before the fights me and my buddies went and watched George Carlin (hilarious). When we got back to our hotel we noticed a black, UFC edition Hummer H2 sitting out front. Who other than Mr. Couture himself comes walking out of the hotel. We all said hello and told him to "kick Van Arsdale's ass". He shook all of our hands and I believe my buddies got some pictures takin with him (I'm not positive, this was after many Heinekens). I remember on the way to our rooms how we all talked about what a class act he is.
Thank you Randy Couture.

Four Things.....

1. Congrats to Ben Roethlisberger for fooling the officials enough to give him a touchdown.
2. Did anybody see Darrell Jackson push off right before his touchdown? Yeah, me neither.
3. Holding on Sean Locklear? If Joey Porter was a Seahawk he would be complaining about the refs wanting the Steelers to win and giving them the game.
4. How do you call a low block on Matt Hasselbeck when he makes the tackle?

The fact of it is the NFL wanted the Bus and the Steelers to win it. It was some of the worst officiating I have ever seen in my whole life. It's funny how the game was decided by eleven points, but if you give D. Jack his touchdown and don't call the phantom hold on Locklear there's more than likely eleven points right there.

Whose Side Are You On?

Even the President gets into the Super Bowl. "Are you fucking blind, Bettis was short by at least THIS MUCH!"

I got the hat, the coozy, the keychain...too early to start adding to the Diet Coke on Friday? Not when you are going to see the Blazers Friday night I say! Also, we just won a kick ass box of superbowl food for Sunday from Cascade Title. man I can't wait for Sunday. I even just bought a t-shirt, and it is the shiznit.

Fuck the media

Sports writers and talk show hosts are all pussies. I watched a show late last night, where everyone but one AGAIN sided with the Steelers. What happened to rooting for the underdog? In this case you would actually be rooting for the better team, so there is less risk than normal and you would think that more than one of these pussy comentators could side with the NW.

It's one thing to say that you have been a steelers fan and hope they win. It's another to say that the Steelers are the favorite because the NFC isn't as good as the AFC this year. So the AFC was harder this year. I bet if the Giants or the Bears were in the Super Bowl, everyone would be talking about how good they are becuase they beat the Seahawks. No-respect-giving mother fuckers. And Texas A&M, go fuck yourself.

Also, Skip (see below) is an ass. I read some more of his articles, especially this one, and he is a big part of the reason that reporters are interchangable with lawyers in the joke "what do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? -A good start"
although, this article shows that he is probably just a normal media fuckhead and not really a seattle hater. He wants drama, suffering, and arguments, becuase it gives him a job. Also, a Skip Archive link incase you want to see how full of shit this guy is, and send him multiple emails stating so.

Skip Bayless: Dumbass!

Where the hell does this guy get off calling our Super Bowl bound football team the "Sea-frauds"? This guy thinks he knows everything about the NFL yet he hasn't shown the Hawks any respect all year. I've heard him say that they are a team of nobodies and got lucky with a soft schedule. Nobodies? Wasn't our Running Back the MVP of the NFL this year? And now he goes off saying they have no place in this Super Bowl where they are way overmatched by the AFC's sixth seed, the Pittsburgh Steelers. He goes as far as calling Seattle, south Alaska. WTF? Read it all for yourself right here.
If you are a diehard Seahawk fan and don't appreciate some ESPN B-Lister disrespecting our state, sports, and way of life, I encourage you to send hate-mail here.
Who watches Cold Pizza on ESPN 2 anyways. GO HAWKS!

edit: (a good excerpt from one of his columns) - "I can relate: After opening the first few of 2,000-plus e-mail responses to my Sea-Frauds column, my computer screen cracked. Each one was a fireball of unprintable passion."
Thats right fucker, read em and like it.

the Flash?....Seriously?

I was just admiring the beauty of Ford Field, site of Super Bowl XL on Erik's last post. Who woulda thunk it? Our beloved Seahawks in the biggest game of the year. And despite what Joey Porter says, these Hawks are leaving with the Lombardi. No disrespect to Jerome Bettis (isn't he from Detroit?) but these Hawks are winning it all.
Anyways I thought I would check out the comment left on his last post and found this:
redlib said...
I was going to make some snarky East coast comment, but I can not get over how ugly that ski sweater was. Although I have a vintage 80's ski coat in toxic green with a purple swirl on it, so who am I to say?
And I am gonna have to agree with her. G, that sweater was all kinds of disgusting. Nice shoulder pads, Liberace. Anyways I thought I would check out her blog and found the "which super-hero are you quiz" and thought "why not?"

Your results:
You are The Flash

The Flash 80% Spider-Man 75% Robin 63% Green Lantern 60% Superman 50% Hulk 50% Iron Man 50% Supergirl 43% Wonder Woman 38% Batman 35% Catwoman 30%

Fast, athletic and flirtatious.

Steeler Fans can't follow through

An article at the bottom of Saturday's daily news sheds more light on the fact that the Seahawks will win, because the Steelers and their fans just aren't good enough.

Town renames itself 'Steeler' 'til Super Bowl

WASHINGTON, PA. - Just to make sure there's no confusion about which team they are pulling for in Super Bowl XL, the mayor and council voted unanimously to change this city's name.

Welcome to Steeler, PA.

The name change for the city of about 15,000 people south of Pittsburgh will last through Feb. 5, the day of the game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Seattle Seahawks. "Iknow the folks in the state of Washington are rooting for the Seahawks, so we wanted to make sure everyone knows the city of Washington is fully in support of the Steelers," Mayor Kenneth J. Westcott said.

You'll want to keep addressing those bills, cards, and letters to Washington, PA., though, becuase the name change is cosmetic and isn't recoginzed by the U.S. Postal Service. "It's just a spoof until after the Super Bowl," Westcott said.

If you are going to change your name, then change it. Don't change it as a spoof but not actually change it. Don't take a great idea and then piss all over it by saying it's only for a week and it's not for real. That's like someone going to the game and saying "My name is The Bus, but only for today because its the Super Bowl." If a whole town of Steeler fans is too pussy to follow through 100% with their idea, then how can their team feel that they are REALLY rooting for them.

Stupid Steeler Fans.

Public service

Because all you are gonna get this week is Seahawks excitement, and the normal tits and fart information, I thought I would pass on an educational link that I found by accident (while trying to look up a video game...)
http://www.eb.com/
That's right. Why buy enyclopedia britanicas at your door, when you can search them online baby!

Also, in case you missed it in the last post comment section, Seahawks 35-Steelers 21

Only 3 More Days!

I cannot wait for the Super Bowl to get here. I have never in my life been this excited for a sporting event. The only comparison for how excited I am could be Christmas of 1985. When my little brother and I opened up our 8-bit Nintendo Entertainment System I think I may have pissed in my pants a little bit. I was that excited!
I am now realizing how awkward it will be at the Super Bowl party I am going to be attending when the Seahawks score that first time and I piss my pants a little.
GO HAWKS!

ha ha, you said hump

Wednesday is Hump Day, so here you go.

I got an jokemail about 15 toys that didn't make it to production, and this was my favorite. It was a hard fought contest between My Little Pony Glue Factory (the lego gas station + my little ponies + a new Elmer's sign for the station and truck) and Little Johnny Peeper Night Vision Goggles (showing a kid in camo with goggles, and a picture from American Beauty with Thora Birtch in her underwear) but any toy about humping and robots that makes kids happy is okay by me.

Also, the next blog button strikes again, with a blog by a chick that likes Comics. That is cool, and I wish I could be a comic nerd still. http://redlibcomic.blogspot.com/

Who the Hell is Tanner Hall?

So I was sitting on my couch last night, talkin to the coach and unwinding from a long, grueling day at work. My buddy Bora called me from Colorado and told me he was at the Winter X-Games and that there was some pretty amazing stuff goin down. So I tuned into ESPN to check it out and he was right.
Has anybody noticed some of the stuff skiers are doing these days? This kid Tanner Hall threw down a fakie 1080 to win gold in super pipe. A fakie 1080? Three and a half rotations in the air after taking off backwards? That's levitation Holmes.
Well if you've ever watched the X-Games you know how they like to show a little bit of back story on each athlete. It turns out that this Tanner Hall kid had one of the most horrific wrecks ever about a year and a half before the X-Games. It seems that they were doing some filming in the backcountry of Mormonville (Utah) for a DVD where they were all hitting this jump, flying about ninety feet through the air, and hitting their landing. Tanner comes flying in fakie (backwards), hits the jump and pulls a 900 in the air. He comes up short of his landing hitting the lip of it and begins ragdolling through the air. He lands in the snow on his back and begins sliding down the slope. As he's sliding he begins screaming. "BROKEN.....MY ANKLES ARE BROKEN!" It was one of the most chilling things I have ever seen. I will never forget his screams. You can read a recollection of it here from somebody who was there that day.
So he goes from being one of the top skiers in the world to not being able to walk in a matter of seconds. And he goes through rehab and comes back to win on the biggest stage possible. Amazing.

Ski weekend pics

Although no one thought to actually bring their camera up on the mountain, there are some good pics on Apul's photo album of the drinking the night before and the night of the big ski trip. Here is me winning the ugly sweater contest saturday night, and a quick glimpse of part of the reason I puked after the first run down the mountain saturday morning.

the Adventures of Living with a Slob (part 2)

A couple of days ago I wrote about my first two roommates, "Josh" and "Derek". Some may not believe that they were as dirty as I said they were, but to the left here I have an actual snapshot of "Josh's" room. Just think ladies, somewhere under that pile of garbage is where the magic happened for him (on a somewhat regular basis that would probably surprise most of you).
I'm not sure how he wasn't embarrassed bringing a lady home to that mess. I can't speak for everybody else but when I bring a date home, beforehand I clean like Martha Stewart on methamphetamines. Not "Josh" though. But then again when it's three in the morning and your date has consumed enough Jack Daniels to kill a moose, she's not really gonna notice your room.
Okay so that's really a picture of the dump, but his room was almost as bad. I think he may have done laundry three or four times (the laundry room was all the way downstairs) while we lived in the house and the rest of the time he would just go buy new clothes. So his dirty clothes would just pile up along with empty bowls of Easy-Mac, half-empty cans of beer, dead midgets and I'm pretty sure there was a used diaper filled with Indian food in there somewhere.
But that rancid smell quite possibly could have been his socks. Combine over-productive sweat glands with bad hygeine and the habit of taking his stank-ass socks off and just leaving them around the house and you have a problem. You try putting the moves on a date when out from between the couch cushions she discovers a old, sweaty, dirty sock that smells like a turd covered in burnt hair. Needless to say, those damn socks cock-blocked me on more than one occasion.
All in all it was a good learning experience though. Except for the place smelling like Bigfoot's dick. Seacrest out.

Out of Shape

You know you are out of shape when:

• After Snowboarding your arms hurt more than your legs from picking yourself up off the ground all day.
• When you finally stop falling down every 15 seconds, but have to stop and take 5 minute breaks instead because you are so tired.
• When you puke your fucking brains out after the first run down the mountain
• When you spend as much time in the lodge as you do out in the blizzard
• When you don't go boarding a second day, because you hurt...everywhere

but on a funnier note, the ugly sweater contest saturday night was a success, and as soon as I get some pictures from Brandon, I will be sure to post a pic of me wearing one my mom's old sweaters from the 80s...that says Skiing on it. absolutely horrible.

the Adventures of Living with a Slob (part 1)

So when I first decided to leave my parent's house for the first time to live on my own, I moved into a fairly nice house with two of my good buddies. To protect the not-so-innocent we will refer to my former roomies as "Josh" and "Derek". The three of us lucked out and found the perfect bachelor pad. It was two-stories and the top floor was all hard-wood floors, a huge living room, the kitchen, a bathroom and two bedrooms. And it was considerably warmer upstairs than down in the concrete surrounded downstairs. But the downstairs had a humongous party room with a bar and fireplace where we used to have some very serious foosball tourneys, my bedroom, a laundry room, a storage room and a sweet-ass bathroom with a sauna and a 1970's era hot-tub/whirlpool. Two words: Very fucking nice.

"Josh" was one of my good buddies from high school. We used to hang out together and shoot hoops, drink brews, gang fight with midgets, play video games, and just basically get into as much trouble as we could get away with. Moving in together may have been the worst idea I ever made.
Out of the six months we lived there, I recall coming home EVERY DAY and having dishes piled up in the sink. EVERY DAY. Somewhere around month four something happened in the upstairs (my roommate's) bathroom and made it so the tub would not drain. Instead of putting some drain cleaner into it what do the roomies do? Start using my bathroom. And to say these guys were dirty is like saying "Guttormsen likes to play his X-Box 360". So after filthying up my bathroom for a solid three weeks they went on vacation with a couple of other buddies. Destination: Mexico.
About the third day they were gone I decided to go check out their bathtub to see if I could fix it (I was working in a home improvement store at the time). My first plan of attack was to drop a little drain cleaner down the drain and see if that helped. Well if you've ever used "good" drain cleaner you know not to drop it into standing water. And that presented a problem since there was a good ten inches of water that had been sitting in that tub for who knows how long. So I looked around and noticed their toilet plunger sitting in the corner right behind their toilet. I thought to myself "why not?" You know why not......once I started plunging, thick clumps of black who-know-what started coming out of the drain and into the tub. About a good ten minutes later the water started to drain leaving the black clumps sitting in the bottom of the tub. I left that as a welcome home present for the dos amigos.
And what did they do when they got home. Bitch at me for leaving a mess. What the fuck?
About two more months go by and the roomies decide they don't like living together. The failed to let me know as I was in Bellingham, Washington visiting some friends at college. I found out they didn't want to live together anymore when I arrived home to an empty house, except for my stuff, the garbage they didn't want, and a bunch of old, near rotten food. Oh and I had three days til rent was due. Suffice to say I ended up back at my mom and step-dad's.
This story is kind of running on so I will share more of my roommate mis-adventures later. And they never did clean up the black clumps.

Fluctuations

I just recently returned home from a short trip to Vancouver B.C. (that's in Canada) and I had a bunch of Canadian dollars left over that I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line... just one guy in front of me... and the guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated. He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla foyen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller says, "Fluctuations." The Asian guy responds "Fluc you white guys,too!"

skiing

After a 2-3 year break, I'm finally going snowboarding again. This weekend at Meadows should be hella interesting, including driving in the snow, falling down in the snow, drinking near the snow, wearing ugly sweaters Saturday night at the first annual McGinty Ugly Sweater Party, and trying not to be too sore and hung over to do it again Sunday. Wish me luck and no broken bones.

Guilty!

GUILTY Inmate Found Guilty of Killing Priest

Wednesday, January 25, 2006 2:11 PM EST

The Associated Press

By DENISE LAVOIE
WORCESTER, Mass. (AP) — A jury on Wednesday rejected a prison inmate's insanity defense and found him guilty of first-degree murder in the strangulation of pedophile priest John Geoghan, a central figure in Boston's clergy sex abuse scandal.

I'm not a big fan of murder, but you molest kids, or anyone for that matter, you should be punished. If someone wasn't already routinely beating the shit out of this guy, then John probably did what everyone else in the jail wanted to do.

Garrett gets the shaft

ohhh, you dont know about garrett? He was Blitz, of the Seahawks for a few years, but this year, they got new management, and the fuckers revamped everything, including his job. They made it part time, and eliminated the reading program part of the job that he spent 2 years creating. So he quit...and now he is hella upset about it considering they are going to the superbowl. So everyone who sees him give him some love, because when he finds his way back into the NFL next year from his current minor leauge football job, you are gonna want tickets from him again.

But on another note, Smoot's wife Deanna is still cheerleading, and Smoot said that if they win, she gets a ring. How cool is that? I told him that if she gets a ring, it needs to be his pinky size so that he can wear it around like a gangsta. Nothing says cool like a slightly overweight white kid wearing a superbowl ring on his pinky finger...especially if it's his wifes'.

Exercise, Kobe, and other random thoughts

So this past New Year's I made the resolution of trying to get into better shape. I figured I would start jogging and maybe start playing tennis and basketball again. The dodgeball league I participated in just wasn't physically demanding enough.
Before I got my promotion (last September) I worked on the front counter helping customers who walked in off the street. One thing about the front counter is you have to pull all your own orders. Now that I have made the move back into the office, I no longer have the responsibility of pulling my own orders. Basically I sit at my desk, answer phone calls, write up bids and orders, and surf the internet. Not very tough at all. And in the last four and half months I have gained about twenty pounds. Skinny guys do not look good with a gut. So this weekend is gonna be my first weekend of actually trying to exercise. And I'm thinking I will be able to keep at it at least until the weather gets nicer and I can start playing paintball again.
What did everybody think about Kobe Bryant's 81 point outburst over the weekend? As I watched it, I felt like I was watching somebody play NBA Live against Danny from "the Other Sister". 81? Why stop there? Why not try to break Wilt's record? You know why? Cause Kobe is a pussy. And what kind of nickname is "Black Mamba"? This ain't Kill Bill motherfucker.
On a completely seperate note; a few friends and I are trying to get a wiffle-ball league started for the summer. If there is anybody out there in the Pacific NW that would like to play, shoot me an e-mail and I will let you know what you need to know. You may be thinking, why the fuck would you play wiffle-ball? Because it's a fucking blast. We had a tournament last year and everyone had a great time. Nothing like sitting in the sun, drinking some brews and just basically hanging with your bros. And one good thing about wiffle-ball is you don't have to run the bases. Translation: You can get fucking hammered!
And for the finale of the Last Man Standing that I spoke of earlier, I took the Pittsburgh Steelers along with another guy and three others took the Seattle Seahawks. Gym that I work with took the Denver Broncos, so he's out. So now I have to split the pot with four other winners and then split my share with the three other guys I work with. Final winnings = $76. Just a little short on the X-Box 360 that I need so badly. So I'll just have to go over to Gus' house and play his. What time you expecting me G? I'll bring the brews. Seacrest out!

Greatest. Name. Ever.

Usually when a customer calls and places in order we ask them for a P.O. (purchase order) number. Most customers number them by whatever job that customer is on but some customers (plumbers mostly) like using the person's name that they are doing the work for. So my buddy Matt Jones, of Jackmove fame, tells me one of his regular customers just called and placed an order. The P.O.? Dick E. Rect. I swear to god. I couldn't make that shit up if I tried. I am not that funny.
On another note if you haven't been to Jason Mulgrew's site, you should. He is that funny. Seacrest out.

Next Stop: Detroit

So as most of you out there know, the Seattle Seahawks dismantled the Carolina Panthers yesterday to earn their first trip to the Super Bowl in franchise history. Here in the beautiful pacific northwest this a very BIG deal. You see us here on the upper left coast haven't known the excitement of having a sports franchise win it all. I know the Seattle Storm won it all a couple years ago but really, who watches women's basketball? We've had the Mariners go off and win 116 games and then die faster than a one-eyed kitten once the playoffs get serious. And then we have the so called Super-Sonics. They were close a couple of times in the late '90s when all-world asshole Gary Payton was running point and Shawn Kemp had only eleven illegitimate children opposed to the 27 he has now. And the 'Hawks have been disappointing these last couple of years and haven't done shit in the playoffs since like 1984. I don't know about the rest of you but in 1984 I paid more attention to G.I. Joe then sports. I mean how can you go wrong with a real American hero? But this team is different. I can just feel it. As I stated about two weeks ago I am just happy they are in the big show. But they are gonna win it all. I mean the Steelers are good but they aren't that good. Hasselback, Alexander and company are bringing home the hardware. I'm calling it right here; party at Guttormsen's. (thanks Gus)
Seahawks 31, Steelers 24

Go Hawks!

Ooooooh Baby, Oooooooh Mama.

That's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it, uh huh, uh huh.

If it's gonna be that kind of party, I'm gonna put my balls in the mashed potatoes.

blazer tickets available

I have Blazer season tickets, sec 310, row A, seats 16&17 (right on the end, first row corner diagonally opposite the Blazers' bench, great view). Best seats for the money, $17 each face value, selling $30 for the pair.
Any game from now til the end of the season. Abby and I can't get to all the games because of coaching and work, so I need to get rid of tickets, especially sundays when we are coaching, so if you have a team you want to go see, and the Blazers are playing against them, then I have the tickets for you. Schedule at www.nba.com/blazers. I can email them for free so if you are a Vancouver-ite, you don't even have to pick the tickets up. eguttormsen@adelphia.net
Remember, go to see a good team versus the blazers, or go to see a bad team, but a good game. Last nights game versus the Raptors, was a 1-point win with great defense on the last play to keep the Raptors from winning.

also the next blog button strikes again, this time with a little sauna story for nate.

anything star wars

Just a quick FYI, anything (comments, pictures, links, etc.) to do with Star Wars is welcome here. For instance I heard on the radio yesterday that the number one movie that women prefer to watch while sick is Dirty Dancing. The number one for men? Star Wars, followed closely by Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Final a poll that has its finger on the pulse of the masses. And I found this.

And another funny note, this site that Nate found, thephatphree.com, is the new funniest site I have seen in a while. Especially the 50 people who need a vicious beating. I tried to pick a favorite, but there were so many good ones like:

• #33 Corey Feldmen "Anyone who ever dressed like Michael Jackson, including Michael Jackson, deserves to be beaten within an inch of his life."
• and then listing #22 The Bachelors and Bachelorettes,
• and then #21 The People Who Watch the Bachelor and Bachelorette
• #10 Teenagers "We were all there once, and we all deserved a beating for it. Teenagers are the second biggest group of assholes on the planet, bested only by old people. "

Thats good shit.

Illness

Over the past couple of years I have noticed something different about myself. I thought I may be ill but never really mentioned it to anybody because of the chance it was all in my head. But these last couple of months it has gotten worse and worse. I thought about maybe going to see a doctor but then I came across an article on the internet that perfectly described my disease. I can now say without a doubt that I suffer from F.B.O.
Honey, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you in person but I just didn't know how to break the news to you. And to all my friends and family, don't worry, I think I'll be okay. What I need from all of you is sympathy and understanding. Thank you in advance for all the support I know I will receive.
I *sourpatch kid* all of you. Seacrest out.

Last Man Standing......

Here at work we have a little tradition that happens every year when football season starts. It's called last man standing for reasons I will soon explain. To play you sign up, pay twenty bucks and pick your can't miss football team for the week. If your team wins you are on to the next week. If you team loses your done, unless it's the first three weeks of the season then you can pay another twenty dollars and sign back up. Last year we had about twenty-five people in the whole deal and I ended up winning it all (somewhere around $400) about week twelve. Well this year there are way more people who signed up for it. I'm not sure what the final count was for people playing but there is a cool fifteen-hundred in the pot for whoever wins. And apparently people are picking a little better this year. Starting this weekend there were nine people left in the whole deal. Out of those nine, four work at my branch (it's a big company). So Gym Hewey, Matt Jones from Jackmove, "Cheese" Maltsberger and I decided we would pool our efforts and split the winnings. Gym and I took our mighty Seahawks and Jonesy and Cheese decided to go with the Indianapolis Colts who should have killed the Pittsburgh Steelers but Troy Palamalu had other ideas. So I get to work this morning and Cheese tells me that everybody left had either the Seahawks or the Colts. Gym and I have a little strategy up our sleeves so I am counting on coming out of this thing victorious and splittin the loot with other three. Can we say X-Box 360? And you thought I was gonna have some funny story about squirrels getting piss-faced drunk, drinking brews, but instead got some gambling story. Funny. Seacrest out!

playoffs baby

Smoot hooked me up with tickets to the Seahawks/Redskins game yesterday. And it was fuckin sweet, just like I thought it would be. As expected I stayed up too late Friday after not drinking all week, so on the ride up to Seattle, I only got one beer down before I fell asleep. But luckily we got there nice and early so I was able to have a few more Redhook ESBs before going into the game.

Then a couple nice big Budweisers, a little rain, some guys wiping the blue ink from their free towels that were bleeding ink onto the white parts onto their heads and faces, 4 great quarters of football, and some serious yelling, chanting, screaming, and calling people on the phone to tell them we were at the game, the Seahawks took the game 20-10.

Shaun Alexander went out early with a concussion, so hopefully hes okay and will be back next week. Ken Hamlin, who was injured when he was attacked outside a bar earlier in the season, rose the 12th man flag at the beginning of the game, and then they played the scene from Terminator where Arnold says "I'll be back!" So that was cool. Sorry no pics, but I only took my camera phone and they didn't turn out very good.

Then we hit Red Robin on the way home, and after another big Redhook, I passed out again on the way home, and to quote Dr. Dre, "it was a good day."

pic of the day

pic of the day. this is so sweet, I am lost for words. the sweet results of another successful search with the next blog button.

hawks and stuff

GO HAWKS! Smooty hooked me up, so I will be at the playoff game this weekend between the Seahawks and the team that is going to lose, the Redskins. Even if its raining, I am going to love it.

and check this out a little golf trivia game. try and beat 17...on your first try.

also, I am hoplessly addicted to Hexic HD, the game that comes with the Xbox360. I have spent hundreds on this stupid system and games and downloading arcade games like the original Guantlet and Joust (which rock by the way), and I keep loading up the fucking free game. If anyone else reads this, and is similarily addicted, and needs help with the black pearl and the final couple achievments, check this forum out. I am gonna try these tips tonight and you should see a higher gamer score to the left by tomorrow. Of course, I haven't drank in a week, and my sister is in town, so there is the possibility that I will pass out before I get to play, and then have the hawks game tomorrow, and not get to play until sunday...
and speaking of Joust, found a site with hints http://web.mit.edu/kaihow/www/joust.html

lovely journalism

A good article from N8, about fraternity life. Yeah its a little over the top, but as long as you have been to college or know someone who has been in the greek system, you can find it funny.

And then more fun with the local journalists. Apparently if you read a statistic, and then make it into a blaring headline, that sells papers. Cowlitz has state's highest gonorrhea rate

but on the plus side, the Daily News reported about something good yesterday. A new employer coming to town trailing millions in revenues, thousands in taxes for the county, and hundreds of jobs. And some more specifics on Lyman Lumber today. This is great for our area.

And in case you want to move here, you don't need to bring your own water. I think yesterday was our 35 day of rain or some crazy ass stat like that. And that doesn't even come close to the record of like 50 days. Anyone know how to build a fucking Ark?

Hell on Earth

So as some of you out there know, I work for a plumbing and industrial supply wholesaler as a plumbing salesman. And this month happens to be our dreaded inventory. Here's a little background on my company; we just so happen to be the largest wholesaler in the world with locations everywhere (including Europe). The branch I work for has over 10,000 items on our shelves out in our warehouse with a value easily over a million dollars. So starting Saturday (I usually work Monday through Friday; ten hours a day) we will be spending time out in our lovely warehouse which as of right now is just a little bit colder than a beer cooler. I can seriously see my own breath out there it's that cold. Hopefully Saturday will be a short day and we won't have to work Sunday (that's what management is saying; but you know how they are). But next weekend starting Friday I will stay until a little after midnight only to be back Saturday morning at six in the morning. Saturday night we will probably be here until midnight, run home and take a quick nap and come back Sunday morning probably between 6 and 8. The weekend after that there is a handful of employees from our branch who will be going down to Portland, Oregon's branch and helping them count. I just so happen to be lucky enough to have to go to Portland. About four months ago I got a little promotion into the office from our front desk. One of the stipulations of the promotion was going from hourly pay to salary. I am kicking myself now. So basically this place owns me for the next month and I'm there bitch. And that sucks. Almost as bad as the ladies at Wal-Mart (you know what I'm talking bout Stephaine). So to all of you out there have a safe January and hopefully I will get a chance to post sometime soon. Seacrest out!

cell phones instead of wallets?

(again, sorry this isn't original stuff, but this was too cool not to mention)
Cell Phones as Electronic Wallets
The standardization of near-field communication (NFC) is a form of short-range radio transmission technology that could potentially transform cell phones into electronic wallets. Equipping mobile phones with NFC chips would allow various "smart" cards to be combined within a single device with data display screens.
It is hoped that NFC will appeal to consumers as a way to merge a wallet, transport card and identity card into a single device. Sony, Nokia, MasterCard, Motorola and Visa are among NFC's supporters.
Source: Wireless: Tagging Cellphones as Electronic Wallets International Herald Tribune (01/03/06); Ekman, Ivar

(I want a cool phone that works as my credit card and Id, and has a camera and can only be used by me. that would be some james bond shit.)

just a few good links

Nothing too original today...don't have the time. But I had to post a link to the story about the guy who jumped on the ice during a Canadians practice and took a shot on goal. They didn't arrest him, they just kind of said, nice shot, but I blocked your ass. hockey wannabe
and a few other good stories I had to check out after I read this one.
dead 2 1/2 years
dead drunk (being drunk can turn out real, real bad...)
and a link to 50 ways to get fired from N8.
I especially like the hasslehoff idea.

public service anouncement

You may not of heard, but I am a banker. And the news on the street is Wal-mart wants to get into banking. I'm not in the mood for debate on monopolies and the government and public structure, but this cartoon pretty much says it all.
http://www.danzigercartoons.com Jeff's site has way more great cartoons. Please check em out if you don't read the paper regularly. All rights reserved New York Post.
(if you can't read all those signs, its the rubble left over from hardware stores, drug stores, grocery stores, clothing stores...you get the idea)

great sites and Willie doesn't know

Too good sites that Smoot contributed, but for some reason didn't post.
http://www.despair.com/viewall.html
http://www.flagrantdisregard.com/flickr/motivator.php

and, for those of you that know Josh B., this is funny. Willie emailed me part of the lyrics from Scotty Doesn't Know, from the movie Eurotrip. And I thought it would be funny to change them, and switch scotty to willie, and matt damon to burckhardt, the cockblocker.

willie thinks shes here to see him.
but shes here for my cum.
cause willie doesnt know, willie doesnt know

hes buying her drinks all night,
while I find out shes tight.
cause willie doesnt know, willie doesnt know.

still seems funny to me, but maybe you had to be there...

great quote and halo 2

second thing first, damn Dicko...you have 850 games of team slayer on Halo 2 and are a level 27. Played that game a few times have you?

and watching My Name is Earl and The Office last night, I saw the best quote of the day on the Office. (If you don't watch the show, a quick synopsis: Jim and Pam are the cool ones in the office. Pam has been engaged for 3 years, and you can tell Jim and Pam really like each other, but never have the balls to say it.)

Jim's girlfriend: (outside looking in at Pam and her fiance after they finally set a date for the wedding) "Do you think that will ever be us?"
Jim: (looking longingly at Pam) "No."
Jim's girlfriend: "Well then why did you bring me tonight? Why are we dating?"
Jim: "I don't know. Let's break up."

Classic. And what makes it funnier is that they are on a party boat, so she can't just storm off. They both have to sit on the boat while everyone is celebrating and wait for it to dock. Jim has some rad timing.

game of the year

yeah, yeah, yeah, triple posts are cool. as long as you fine people read the last couple, cause they are good. But since I have temporarily abandonded the website because I am busy and the blog is easier, I thought I would post something that would normally go on one of my website pages.

Specifically, Video Game of the Year for 2005.
For the Gamecube, Resident Evil 4 (I have this one, and it deserves it. Games like this are the reason I still have my Cube...)
For the PS2, God of War (I still haven't gotten this one, or beaten GTA: San Andreas yet for that matter, but I am keeping my PS2 until I play this game.)
For the Xbox, Ninja Gaiden Black (I play Halo 2 too much to even have played all the games I have on the shelf, so I never got to this one, but its supposed to be awesome... and now I have a 360, so I probably won't be ever getting this one as I am addicted to achievements on the 360 and you have to have the 360 versions to earn achievements...)
for the new Xbox360, Project Gotham Racing 3 (I like racing games only if they crash stuff, but like I said above, you have to have the 360 versions to earn achievments, so it looks like its off to ebay to sell a perfectly good copy and spend another $10-20 to get the newer one...damn)
For the PC gamers, Civilization 4 (I'm not much into PC games anymore because of lack of time, but if I was, I would get this. It looks great)
and for the other systems, sorry go to Gamespot.com if you want, cause I don't play the other systems. but I should mention that of all the categories, it was Resident Evil 4 won game of the year. Pretty amazing that Nintendo is still kicking it strong. Anyone see that crazy controller they are promoting for their next gen system (Revolution)?

As you can see, all of here still play video games and are still a little addicted. how about you?

quote of the day

"i know how girls feel"
-N8

thursday night

after 2 full days (12 hours) of work and volleyball (coaching and finances for the club) I think I will enjoy the opportunity to watch some TV tonight. http://www.nbc.com/My_Name_Is_Earl/ My Name is Earl, the Office, and a new one for me Four Kings, are teaming up on NBC with Will and Grace to try and take back thursday nights from whatever station is winning thursdays now. I'm not sure if you've seen the commercials, but NBC has the #1 monday, tuesday, wednesday, friday, reality, sports, and the #1 show or something like that. So I guess no one gives a shit about tuesday because they are moving the 2 reasons for that #1 ranking to Thursday. Which is great becuase volleyball practice is tusdays and i have missed most of that last couple Earls. I hate that I am actually "planning" to watch TV, but fuck, I love that show and the Office.

and I am pissed that I missed the Rose Bowl because of practice. If we have a tournament on Super Bowl weekend I am gonna be super pissed. Like a triple-dog-dare, but the pissed equivalent. But we did go get applebees quisadillas and hot wings and hefewiezen after practice, and I saw some highlights, so that was nice. Plus my good buddy nate Tivo'd the game, so I hope to watch that tonight or tomorrow to see "the game of the year," or what ever they are calling it, for myself.

Also, the Xbox360 rocks.
I highly recommend picking one up if you have the means. (movie?)

also, I finally found a "next blog" worth mentioning. http://isobellasworld.blogspot.com/ not sure if she really is a call girl, but the idea of someone keeping an online journal that mentions anything about the job which is selling sex, is an interesting idea, real or not.

The Greatest Invention EVER!

I must have been very good this past year (funny I don't remember that) because I cleaned up on Christmas. I received a Sony cyber-shot digital camera, some clothes, a couple gift cards, the World Series of Poker video game for the X-Box, but the best gift I received was the new Apple video iPod with a car adapter/charger. This thing is so fuckin sweet that I can't properly describe how it makes me feel deep down inside. There's nothing like coming into work before anybody else is here and pluggin my iPod into my computer and blaring "Fuck tha Police". So since Christmas I have uploaded about 2300 songs and two videos (we love the Chronic, what? cles of Narnia) onto this bad boy and I have room for about another five thousand songs or so. The only downside to all this music is realizing how many CDs have been "borrowed" from me in the last couple of years. I can't seem to locate any of my Pearl Jam, Deftones, Soundgarden, Ice Cube, Snoop and other various good shit. So if any of you reading this out there have my CDs I want them back...Don't make me send three-finger Louie after you. And if anybody out there has any suggestions on music I may like feel free to e-mail the suggestions to gr8_n8_77@yahoo.com. I listen to about everything except for Country. If you suggest country to me I will hunt you down punch you in the neck. Hard.

time off

This comic is a good example of why I love Scott Adams and Dilbert. As for the post title, I spent the long weekend (I had Monday off, Fed was closed) cleaning up Christmas, watching football, playing on Xbox Live, drinking and playing poker on Saturday night, so all in all, it was pretty good. Felt like I got something acomplished while at the same time wasting a maximum amount of time. As for the lack of posts, Smoot is in Yakima, and Dicko, N8, and I were busy not checking the internet all weekend.

Afroman hits home

(sung to the tune of the Afroman hit)
I was gonna come over last night until I got high,
I was gonna check out your new xbox but then I got high,
Now I'm sitting at home not calling you back, and I know why (why man),
cause I got high, because I got high, because I got high.
la da da da la da da la la da da.

(n8's verse)
I was gonna woop your ass at Madden until I got high,
I was gonna drink all your beer until I got high,
Now Gus is playin solo, and we all know why (why man),
cause I got high, because I got high, because I got high.
doo, doo, doo, doo da doo, doo da di,

Addiction

Hi everybody. My name is n8 b and I'm addicted to myspace.
Seriously.
I thought I would sign up and just kind of surf around checkin out all my friends pages. How wrong I was. By day two I was obsessed with upping the number of my friends, adding music to my page, postin new pics, etc. This thing is very evil.
That being said, if you're on there add me to your friends. If you're not and you want to stay sane, DO NOT sign up. It's worse than crack I tell you (well from what I've heard). But if you're not signed up and have a few hundred hours to waste, by all means sign up and let's be friends. Except for you Nancy Smoot. Go breed your hate elsewhere.
Sorry I haven't been posting. I was gonna blame it on the hustle and bustle of the holidaze, but that would be lying. And that's wrong. Just plain wrong. I promise to post more often.
I *sour patch kid* all of you.

No More Driving, No Kids!!

I survived my first official Christmas as a married man, barely. I have always considered myself a Christmas type of guy. I enjoyed driving through neighborhoods looking at the lights, spending time with family. A regular Clark Griswald. I don't know anymore though and I am not sure if it was just all of the running around this year, the changes in family dynamics or if I am just becoming a grinch....

Running Around...
I know that driving to family events, shopping malls and traffic are all part of the holiday season, but this year, it seemed to really piss me off. I found myself cussing out grandmas who have no business on the road rather than ignoring the idiots and decrepit and listening to Christmas music on that channel that plays non-stop holiday music for a month. I seriously almost knocked a guy out because he was actually blocking the entrance to parking for the whole mall and NO ONE was pulling out of a spot.

Family Dynamics...
Usually, my Christmas Eve is spent with my mom's family and Christmas Day with my dad's family. This year, being married, there were two more families to visit, which not only means more running around, it also mean that you get to hear this..."When are the kids coming?" Oh and don't forget about this, "You better take care of her!" coming from the all of the family members that you have never met because they aren't allowed out of the house except for holidays. The other problem is that now that I am older, my cousins are having kids. Although, the 4 "kids" ranging from 6 months to 4 years old are all very cute, I realize more and more that after 10 minutes, cuteness falls to annoying. Nothing says get me out of here like picking up a kid and discovering that there is now piss on your shirt and pants.

So is it just me? I hope it was just this year and next year I will be my normal "Dicko Claus" self.

what did you get for christmas?

I'm always curious about presents. My Christmas was looking bleak between work stress and present buying stress and funerals, but it turned out okay. I got a new jacket and some simpsons dvds and some books and of course I bought myself a Xbox360. Plus I took Abby shopping and to dinner and a movie at Cinetopia in Vancouver. And Abby took care of a lot of the shopping and I think everyone liked what we got them, which is important too me.

Cinetopia was a little spendy, but the snacks are reasonable and you can take those and pizza or other food into the theatres, plus its really loud, really big screens, big comfy chairs with plenty of leg room, and we went into the restaurant and wine bar, which is really upscale. They serve food in portions to share at $7-$15 and you order a few different ones (or 5 like us, we were hungry) and then get some overpriced (but very good) wine, and get full and drunk before the movie. It was nice. (although I spent over $100, you could easily get away with $30-50 without the wine)

We saw the Lion the Witch and The Wardrobe, the Chronicles of Narnia, and that movie was great. Good for kids although young kids might get scared at the battle scene cause they show some close-ups of some really scary and ugly looking creatures. But there is no blood and no sex and no cussing, so older children should be fine. It's a great story and really good special effects.

christmas is rad

there is no feeling like the one that makes you spend money on stuff for people on
1. stuff they don't want
2. stuff they could buy themselves.

thats why I am a big fan of money, gift cards, and liquor.

Mmmmm.....Trout

From the "what the hell?" file;
A rainbow trout fished out of Holmes Lake in Lincoln, Neb., on Dec. 17, 2005, features a double mouth. Clarence Olberding, 57, of Lincoln, wasn't just telling a fisherman's fib when he called over another angler to look at the two-mouthed trout. It weighed in at about a pound. Olberding, who plans to smoke and eat the fish, said the hook was in the upper mouth, and that the lower one did not appear to be functional.
First question: Why would you fish in a pond near a Nuclear power plant? I am just assuming that it was near a power plant due to the uniqueness of this fish. It kind of reminds me of that three-eyed fish on the Simpsons. I remember coming home from Portland and driving by the old Trojan Nuclear power plant near Rainier and seeing old guys fishing in the little ponds next to the plant. Why? I mean there are so many better places to fish than right next to a power plant.
Second question: Why the hell would you eat this thing? I mean look at the damn thing. It has TWO MOUTHS. That shit is not normal. Well at least the lower one did not appear to be functional so that makes it okay. I would imagine seeing this at Marsh's Free Museum, but if I pulled one out of a lake, I would give up seafood forever. I still might just from looking at that pic. What an ugly fuckin fish. Nuff said.

Fa-La-Lah Baby

I had to post this cause it reminded me of A Christmas Story.
"Deck the Harrs Rif Bows of Ha-Rey, Fa-Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra, Ra-Raaa-Ra-Ra"

I listen to Yahoo's launchcast internet radio (highly recommend it) and I'm listening to 80s songs cause I can't stand the repetative christmas songs coming in over the speakers at work
...long story short,
"My future's so bright, I gotta wear shades" best line in the song, "50 thou a year, will buy a lot of beer..." I think I used to believe this a little in college. Now it's more like "35 thou a year will let me get drunk sometimes, but I'll have to keep drinking bud lite and busch occasionally..." Of course, that doesn't rhyme...shit.

Wow! My abs are sore.

No, not from doing situps, but from puking all night. No, not from booze or food poisoning, but I swear it was from seeing the lucky bullshit cards that people were winning with. I felt like Al Roker after a large pizza last night. I got home from a 12 hour poker marathon yesterday and I just knew something wasnt right. To spare the details, it was violent. It was a good representative of me losing to a guy that went all in with a 7, 2 off suit after the flop and all he had was a pair of twos, while I had a ace through 5 straight. Turn = 7! River = 7!!! Me = Puke.

Most Exciting

If you read "Congratulations on owning the most exciting product on the planet!" on the front of the warranty card and owners manual for the newest thing you just opened, what would you think that thing would be? (becuase it says that on my newest purchase...)

Things that make you say "hmmmm"

If you were feeling over-worked, stressed, under-paid, etc. etc. at your job, and you opened two fortune cookies out of a 500 cookie bag, and they read:

• An exciting new job is about to present itself
• You are capable of building a thriving business venture

what would you think?

No spirit in my home this holiday.

The Seahawk stocking was hung by the chimney with care and the bitter cold outside was brushed away by the smiling faces inside. Our hosts had thought of everything that makes a Christmas party great. A beautifully trimmed tree, friends, presents, a food spread to fill the healthiest of appetites. Not to mention, the festive music playing in the background, Christmas cookies and of course, a Nikki Tyler video, a DVD called Filthy Sluts and a 3 inch penis extension.

So apparently porn is the new "must have" gift of the holiday. Or so it may seem from the gift exchange I went to on Saturday. Now, this post isn't some rant about porn and why it is good/bad for society. People can make up their own minds on that. What I am saying here is, the Christmas spirit hasn't found its way to my house yet. You see, during the gift exchange, I opened a present, and low and behold, it was the 1998 classic film, "Filthy Sluts." Considering, that most of the people(and when I say people, I mean MEN) at the party were married, this gift was never "stolen" from me. Partly because most of them already had received some sort of pornography as a present, but mostly for the fear that their wife would "bobbit" them for openly and deliberately taking porn.

Here's where the "no Christmas spirit" part comes in...I get home and look at my wife and say, "Funny, there was a lot of porn at that party, eh?" She replied "yes" as she looked down at her new pink, stuffed animal, rabbit with an erection and balls. Then I say something that didn't go over well. Something about watching the porn. Who knew, she got rerally upset with me. It was like the grinch and scrooge had taken over her all at once. "What the hell, we're not watching that porn! I'm going to bed!" *SLAM* So as I sat there considering if I could get away with watching the porn in the living room without her knowing, I started thinking about how inconsiderate my wife was. Think of it, someone had spent their hard earned money to buy this porn to GIVE. It would be an injustice if the that money went to waste. There are people in Somalia that can't even afford porn and here we are lucky enough to have people care enough to buy it for us. My friend got to use his penis extension that night (even if it was only to put it into the crock pot with the little smokies and BBQ sauce) How insensitive of her. I mean, what can I expect from her down the road.

Child - "Mommy, mommy, I made this for you at school today!"

Wife - "Thanks child, I love it"

Later that night

Wife - "Did you see that crap your daughter made in class for me today. What a piece a garbage."

Me - "Don't you think we should hang it on the fridge?"

Wife - "Too late, I already burnt it. She's lucky I didn't spank her."

Scary to think about, I know. That is why I must watch this porn with her, it is my duty. Until then, I will continue to get the word out and respect those who have the spirit. Consequently, this Blog is dedicated to all the porn industry - the college students, coke heads and hard working people of Burbank, CA. Merry Christmas and I will continue to fight to bring the Christmas Spirit into my household not for only your sake, but my future children's sake. Oh, and for those people in Somalia too. Afterall, isn't it the thought that counts.

My thoughts exactly

Usually when I find something on someone else's page that is the same as what I was thinking, I write my own version, give them a little credit, and maybe post a link. Well, on Friday, Mulgrew said EXACTLY what I was thinking, so I'll just cut and paste and get on with my life.

"Speaking of famous people being assholes, has there ever been a more condescending commercial than the Destiny’s Child Wal-Mart Christmas commercial? Perhaps “condescending” is not the right word…hypocritical? Anger-inducing? Piss-me-off-ish? (Can someone help me a word here, please?)

In the commercial, Beyonce (‘cause Lord knows I haven’t seen enough of her) and the other two girls in Destiny’s Child are at Beyonce’s house on Christmas morning, exchanging gifts. These gifts include: a giant plasma TV, a laptop, a tricked out digital camera, and other exorbitantly expensive gifts.

Maybe it’s because I grew up poor, but I don’t want to see really rich celebrities exchanging $60,000 worth of gifts on Christmas morning. This doesn’t make your product more appealing to me. Instead, it makes me want to punch these rich fucks in the face.

No surprise that this commercial comes from Wal-Mart. The median income of the average Wal-Mart employee is $22,400. Of course, I just made that number up, but it’s got to be pretty low. But then they show Beyonce and the gang throwing presents around that probably 98% of their employees (and probably 90% of their customers) can’t afford. This angers me so much that I can’t believe more hasn’t been written about it.

So fuck you, Wal-Mart, and fuck you, Destiny’s Child. Take your $6000 59 inch plasma TVs and your $800 digital cameras and shove them up your asses.

And Merry Fucking Christmas.

Welcome, Welcome

Two new sucka foos added to the mix. If you are new to the blog (or even if you are a returning contestent), please keep coming back and posting your comments, because with 4 of us lurking around here, you can be sure there will be something new up here just about every day. And don't forget to surf around some of the old posts, because you are sure to miss something unless you click my blog every day like I do to J. Mulgrew's blog.

and remember
"I pity the fool that don't eat my cereal!"

also, I beat Dicko in the semi's of fantasy football. and with an upset win by the Champ over the 1st place Beat-A-Dicko, I have a chance to take it to the house next week for the big W.

and speaking of big W, congrats to the Husky Volleyball Team. I don't usually root for the Huskies (don't usually as in Never), but they won the whole NCAA tourney. That's right, best team in the nation. I watched the last couple matches and a few earlier this year and last year, and they are fuckin good.

dicko going down in fantasy football?

Everyone here needs to be rooting for Hasslebeck and the Seahawks. Cuase they can get home field advantage, which means 4 or 5 of us around these parts could go to a playoff game for the first time in a long time, maybe even my first ever now that I think about it. Also Matt is my QB against Dicko in fantasy football today. I got screwed by dropping to 2nd in the league, meaning I have to play both on fire teams instead of just one. A win this week and next could mean half my xbox360 paid for...if EB ever gets my fucking system in.. bastards.

Bring on the Colts!

It's about time the Seattle Seahawks start to get some national media attention. I mean we are talking about the best team in the NFC. I tried as hard as I could this year to not get too excited and jinx them (see 1984) but damn this team looks good. I know, I know that this team has looked good in the past only to go on and disappoint later on, queue Matt Hasselbeck "We're gonna take the ball and we're gonna score".
But this team is different. These guys are actually playing as a team and not making mistakes. They are scoring when they should and Shaun Alexander is straight out DOMINATING. And all this without their two leading wide recievers for most of the season. I'm predicting the Super Bowl this year, anything else and I will be disappointed.
GO HAWKS!

Road Rage Against the Machine

I have something to admit. I am a road-rager. I try not to be but I just can't help it. I mean if the speed limit is 35 drive 35. Just two nights ago I followed some dipshit for about two miles in a 35 mph zone and I shit you not he never got over 23. And that's being generous. Most of the time it was closer to 18. WTF?
Well now I have something else to rage about. Our wonderful little town of Longview has decided that the only way to stop the speeders is to put these beautiful "speed humps" on the road. And they don't install them where people speed the most. Anybody that can cover the expenses (roughly $800) can have one installed in their neighborhood by the city. According to an article on tdn.com there are currently about 40 of them in our town. The article also went on to say that people are getting angry about these. Well no shit. Some of them are so big that you have to slow down to 12 mph just so you don't bottom out. The article also says that some people have begun to lay on their horns whenever they go through an area with these. What a great idea! So I encourage everybody in Longview (all three of you who read this) who encounters these mofos to just lay on your horn.
Thanks for listening, I feel much better now.

Grandparents

Recently both Nate and I have lost a grandparent, as well as my friend Angela and at least one other person I know losing a grandparent. Very sad, especially at this time of year. December seems to be a crappy time for the elderly, becuase I haven't had to go to any funerals for a while, and then this month, BAM 2 or 3 of them. Anyways, Miss you Grandpa.

On a lighter note
Man, Garfield is some funny shit, and its been around for ever. I love him, Fox Trot, Get Fuzzy, Dilbert, The Far Side, Calvin & Hobbes, and a few others. I'm such a kid. I think that I could be perfectly happy winning a shopping spree at Toy-R-Us.

edit: And I found a new friend with the next blog button (and also a few on myspace lately, feel free to add me if you are there, Erik Guttormsen) http://stevehappens.blogspot.com/ Very Funny picture and discussion today about why people call pants "pants" when they are clearly one article of clothing and not a pair. hmmmm.

Sorry boys, the Bakery is closed

This just in off of ABC News webpage year in review:
How about the Idaho high school boy who fed a batch of semen-frosted brownies to a fellow student and his friends? It seems the teenager was more than a bit ticked when his classmate put peanut butter in his cheese sandwich days before. As a police report said, the prankster, who has since agreed to admit to three counts of disturbing the peace, "hated peanut butter and it made him more mad than he could explain."
Seriously, how much would you have to hate peanut butter to give somebody a jizz frosted brownie? I am suprised this guy is still alive. If somebody would've fed me some "special" brownies (and not in the good way) I would fucking kill them. Twice.

the Kid and the Toy Train (a Christmas Story)

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

New Team Member

Just like Wal-Mart, we have team members.
Welcome Nate Bullcock.

as for me, I finally did some dreaded christmas shopping. Before that I had a chamber of commerce after hours christmas party. So at that and afterwords I had to drink some beers and I had to go to sleep right when I finally got home, so all in all not a horrible night. no dishes, no volleyball phone calls (I coach), no thinking about work, in a word, nice.

That's what I'M talking about

http://www.cinetopiatheaters.com/wine_bar/enomatic.htm
a movie theater with restaurant, wine bar, loung chairs, etc. with the emphasis on the wine bar you can swipe your card for a fresh taste or glass of wine. I know where I want a gift card to for Christmas...

dick jokes

4 days til Howard Stern is off the air. That sucks, because I listen to him for a few minutes every morning, and almost every morning the show is funny. Today, a particularly funny line when talking with one of the Senators who supports him against the FCC.
"Howard, you can be a defender of those who can't defend themselves when you move."
"Well, I don't know about that. I'll probably just do a lot of dick jokes."
Classic. I love it.

and in case you are wondering, the EB games informed Bophal (also has a 360 on preorder) that they MIGHT get them on the 18th. Oh yeah? Well I MIGHT take a big shit in your store. Right after I return the accessories I bought over a month ago because the lying bitch told me that I wouldn't get one one opening night, but probably tuesday. And I bought two games off Ebay, and I would have to return those without receipts dammit. I may just have to stick with what I've got and tell microsoft to go fuck themselves. Maybe start using Navigator instead of Internet Explorer and Linux instead of Windows. Fuckin bill gates.

and i probably should include a dick joke.
My dick is so big that it has its own dick. and its dick is bigger than your dick.
My dick is so big, its behind you.

(stole these from Drew Carey's book, check it out cause it's damn funny.)

great cartoon

http://www.illwillpress.com/xmas.html (parental advisory, he says fuck and shit)
If you are tired of people in general bitching in the public eye for reason or another, then you will appreciate this cartoon of a neurotic squirel bitching about people that try to ruin Christmas becuase it has "religious overtones." My favorite line is "Tis the season to stop being a whiney bitch and shut the fuck up!"(about the neo-yuppie scumbags)
and
"That's why I like Santa. He's a fat bastard, he's happy, he works one day a year, and he gets to eat all the cookies he wants. He rewards the good, and punishes the bad, kinda like a vigilante."

on a side note, my local EB Games says they are supposed to have their second shipment of Xbox 360s in, which means I am supposed to get the one I pre-ordered today. I hope they don't let me down again.

football and david cross

Anyone think that commercial with Payton Manning getting autographs and aprons from normal people and treating them all like football players? I am undecided it It's kind of a "mad at myself for likeing it" kind of feeling.

I also got directed to The Bob and David site, which I forgot about since the last time I watched Mr. Show. David Cross has this long ass letter rippin on Larry the Cable Guy, because Larry ripped on him and is pretty ignorant. Anytime commedians write long-winded letters ripping on people, I want to read them.

proud of who you are

the next blog button strikes again, this time with a blog by someone who is funny, and proud to be who she is. Kind of cool considering most people put on fake displays most of the time.
http://carolyncastiglia.blogspot.com/ *A place for my thoughts to resonate in the sound bank of the world, rocking the comic flow of life until a new era of peace appears and fat girls are fashionable again.* Copyright 2004, 2005 - which is amazing, since I was copying wrong 'til 2003.

other than that, I've been busy, so the first thing to suffer is the website, blog, myspace, emails, etc. Basically the devil computer and all its time-wasting-goodness. But we got a tree yesterday, and some garland, so it probably smells good at home. Maybe If I can find a few hours to actually be home, I will find out. And I get to go watch the Blazers lose again tonight, since we have season tickets. And Christmas parties start this weekend for most people, if you haven't already been to one. Man I love drinking and eating. Unfortunately while I am really excited for getting presents, eating, drinking, seeing friends, partying, drinking, decorating, etc., I have absolutely no desire to go out present shopping. How about everyone just buy them self something and stick my name on it, and I'll buy myself something and stick all your names on it? Sounds good? Great? I'll be at home with the new drink I made up last night.

A frosty white russian:
1 shot Carmel liquor, 1 shot Peppermint Schnapps (preferably Ice 101 or Rumpleminz), 2 shots Kahlua, all poured over ice and milk or cream added to fill glass. Shit its good.

2 good quotes

Peter Jackson Talks Halo
Oscar-winner Peter Jackson has just wrapped up King Kong, but he's turning his eye to the Halo movie, of which he is executive producer. "Hopefully it won't suck," Jackson said.
(that's what I like to hear. Honesty in my movie-makers)

NFL Football
"Houston continues their bid to draft Reggie Bush next year with another loss this week."

also I would like to say a big Fuck You to the Philidelphia Eagles and their horrible offense. Thanks to them I lost my fantasy football week which would have guaranteed me first place becuase they took out Hasselbeck and Westbrook after the game was 42-0 at half time. I only needed like 30 yards of offense, and they pull two of my starters. Fuck. Plus it made the game really boring, although I am glad that Seattle won, and happy for the Seahawks defense, because Seattle is gaining respect for the first time since S. Largent.

Wear the fox hat

I got emailed a funny joke, and thought I would make it more applicable to my own life.

When people come to visit me in Longview, and they are discussing it with their friends unfamiliar to the area, their friends often suggest to them, "Wear the fox hat."

christmas light snobs

I came up with a new phrase on saturday night. Christmas light snobs are people (like me) who can't help but cringe at the tasteless christmas decoration addicts who put every single light they own on the front of their house in an attempt to outspend their neighbors in the electrical bill category of this years tacky fucker awards.

They cover the bushes, the trees, around the windows, the roof line, the icecicle lights, the front path and sidewalk, around the yard, the chimney, and of course the nativity scene and iron reindeer.

They use the colored lights, the white lights, the multi-colored lights, stars, rope lights, pictures of santa, pictures of snowman, and of course, the newest sign of the apocolypse, those fucking inflatable santas, snowman, reindeers, snowglobes, grinch and his dog, and other crap like the Coca-Cola polar bears.

Maybe it's just me (although I know its not), but what ever happened to outlining the roofline of your house and adding a simple star or possibly one or two simple lawn decorations? How about a 10 strand of light maximum or something? How about it being legal to shoot those inflatable animals with a bee-bee gun? The first hint that you need help is if it is brighter outside your house at night than it is during the day. And if you mix multi-colored with single colors and white, or use more than one color and white, then you have tacky lights. Just thought you should know. Try white with blue, or white with red, or red with green, or multi-color only for example. Until you sled so fast that you burn through the bottom of your sled, or have your grandpa burn down the tree with his stogie after grandma makes catfood and pineapple green jello, try and not blind the rest of us with your lights. Clark W. Grizwald, you are not.